help with my mother.

LegacyUser

i'm regular poster with a problem.

i'm 19 and i have an issue with my parents, my mother spicifically, i was wondering if any of you had any little pearls of wisdom to share.
right, well i'm in college, living at home. i'm pretty sure this is the period of my life when i'm meant to be having fun and exploring all the possibilities life has to offer.

The problem is - i cant stay out late at night.

my mother claims she cant sleep unless she knows i'm safe in bed, ie: she HAS to stay awake until i am home. now if i come home past 2am, this is a big problem because she is very busy and needs her sleep, so it is very unkind of me to stay out late because it is sort of a sleep deprivation torture on her.

Now i know this makes me sound like a kid trying to stay up an extra half hour before bedtime but it is actually seriously effecting my life. i miss out on about 1/3 of the social activities my friends engage in becase i have to go home early (i have to include travel time so that means going home even earlier!): i cant stay out late at parties, clubs or anywhere!
i have had this problem all through my youth but no its becoming a much bigger issue as i am now actually an adult. i mean, if you want to romance a lady the last thing you need is a time limit - you should see me, i'm like ****ing Cinderella....and yes, this has effected my success with girls very VERY significantly as you can imagine.

some points you should be aware of before commenting:

*i can understand where my ma is coming from (i'm an only child)
*i can not afford to move out (would dearly love to but it wont be happening)
*talking to my mother about this will result in: 1.both of us shouting, 2.her crying, and 3. me apologising and the matter being closed.
*my da will always take my mothers side


i personaly can see no way out of this.

is it too much to ask that at 19 i should be able to decide how long i stay out?

i am the only one in my group of friends that has to deal with this, it makes me feel depressed and isolated as i miss so much of the fun stuff they get up to, it has become a running joke to them - "oh surprise surprise, ***** is going home early!"
i have no one i can really talk to about this and i dearly love my mother and respect her greatly so i'm not going to tell her to '**** off!' (i've wanted to, believe me)

any help would be great.

Unpossible

offer to ring her if your not comming home? Try to stay at a friends house?


try not to go down the road of "Im over 18 I can do what I want" (despite the fact that its true).

Is there any chance you can get a part-time job? then you could move out. I assume your the eldest? I had kind of similar problems (not so extreem, I just had to tell them if I wasnt comming home).

growler

my mum was of a similar disposition, but i asked a younger relative to try and explain the realities of life, it helped a bit , but eventually it took all out rebellion to grind her down to acceptance , it's hard on them, but to be expected from a teenage son.

aidan_walsh

If you intend on staying out all night, tell where you'll be going.
If it just happens to occur in the course of the night, phone her and tell her you won't be home.

I'm in a similar situation with my folks, and this works a charm for me. Hell, only last Saturday after phoning my father (who works a taxi) to tell him I'd be late, it was after 6 when I finally crawled in the door. Not a word said the next day apart from the usual pleasentries and gentle conjoling for information

Basically, just talk to her. Tell her that you understand where she is coming from and offer to do these. You'll be amazed how well it might work, surprising her with the responsible attitude you'd be taking to the situation. That in itself will help a deal.

LegacyUser

I cannot honestly see you getting out of this without some major conflict with your mother.

You can see where you're coming from and this is good. Now she needs to see where you're coming from. Don't go to her looking to ignite it, just discuss it and if it gets heated, keep going. Tell her that you've been afraid to talk about it because you know it distresses her. Tell her that you have a good bunch of mates who look out for you.

Tell her that if you will stay out that you will phone or text her telling her exactly where you are. Give her your best mate's no. in case she is worried.

I have a mate who's the same. He's like my best mate but he only ever comes out for special occasions. I wouldn't be surprised if my going away was the last time he'd gone on the p!ss. He just feels an overwhelming obligation to do his mother's bidding. He's very conservative, never takes much money out. As a result he's losing out.

Everyone loves their mother and as you get older you appreciate them more. However, you need to cut the umbilical cord at some point.

I dunno, it probably helped that I had a brother and sisters older than me but the time comes when you have to make your parents realise that you're an adult.


I can't see any better way through this than just talking/screaming/crying about it.

It's probably best if your Dad isn't present at the time. It'll just complicate matters and give her another crutch of unreasonability.

LegacyUser

doodle_sketch wrote:

If you intend on staying out all night, tell where you'll be going.

i have done this, she will say no and when i try to protest i will get the "under my roof...." argument.

doodle_sketch wrote:

If it just happens to occur in the course of the night, phone her and tell her you won't be home.

this will result in her screaming down the phone at me and me bending over and going home.

i have a part time job, can afford to move out though because i have to pay her back for paying for college, also i dont earn enough really.

Beruthiel

we will always be kids to our parents and unfortunately until you move out of the house and prove that you can keep yourself safe and alive she will most likely continue to behave like she does.
As everyone has suggested, sit her down and explain that you are now old enough to do as you please, calling her during the night will help her, telling her the approx time you will be back. After doing this a few times perhaps it will ease her mind. Tell her she needs to look at you and see you as an adult now, that eventually you will have to make all your own decisions be they good or bad, you have to learn to grow up and that she is not helping this process.

Victor

Tell me, do you ever / have you ever stayed overnight anywhere that wasn't under the same roof as your mother? Sleep overs? School trips? Drunken sorority nights?

PH01

This is a great story. The mother-son relationship is a joy to behold and particularly the eldest son. You've got it both ways - you're the only and the eldest, and you hold a very special place in the heart of your mother, and your father, that will never go away.

But now it's time that you left the nest. Now I know you can't physically leave home but there are ways you can establish your independance.
If you were working I would suggest you'd start paying your own way at home, but I know that's hard to do when you're at college. However, try doing your own laundry, buy your own food and cooking for yourself and cleaning and looking after your own room. These are a few things you have to do for yourself if you're not doing it already. And make sure your mother, god bless here, doesn't do the looking after you. You look after you. But don't make a big deal about it - be subtle about it - and keep your cool.
Also you might look into getting yourself a part time job so as to enable you to pay your own way. And next summer go abroad, like the US of a J1, and get away from home for a short while. Three months away from home will do you all the world of good.

Finally, talk to you're mother alone about your issues. Try not to fight with her, or raise your voice even when she starts to blub-blub-blub. Stay calm and articulate your issues.

jesus_thats_gre

If its making you as unhappy as it seems and she is giving you the under my roof crap, its time to just tell her where to go. All mothers go through something like you are experiencing and its how you respond to it that changes things.

I assume that she would have a nervous breakdown if you said you were moving out of home. If you told her that you felt so strongly about it that you were considering dropping out of college to get a job in order to move out so you can have your own freedom, she wouldn't be long backing off a little. It will hurt her but I would put bets on it would have the desired effect. Even a quiet word in your dads ear about it and he will break it your mother in a way she can deal with better.

leeroybrown

From the sound of it you don't seem to be able to come to any comprimise in this situation. I get the impression that this is a combination of you being too weak and her being too tough.

If you can't come to a comprimise you're going to have to:

• Move Out (you don't seem to have the money)
• Crawl back under your rock (your current approach)
• Go for it (if they're not willing to comprimise neither are you)

If I were in your situation I probably wouldn't be living at home for much longer.

seamus

Ber's advice is on the button. If you let her know where you're going to be and when, she may calm down some. If a party is going on, and you fancy staying till two, then stay. If she can't sleep, it's her problem, not yours.

You have to approach the situation like an adult, or she won't listen to you like one. If discussing it continually ends in shouting, then you're getting nowhere. So sit her down, give her the "I'm an adult now, you have to let go" speech. If she begins raising her voice or crying, stand up, say, "I'm not going to continue this conversation until you calm down", and then leave the room.

Better yet, try to bring it up with both of your parents. If you're calm, and your Dad is mostly on your side (that is, he thinks you should be allowed out, but only if it doesn't make your mother upset and keep both of them awake.), then he's more likely to keep your mother calm or take over talking to you when she becomes unreasonable.

At the end of the day, it's her problem. She may be busy, but you are a separate individual. There's no reason why your life should revolve around what she's doing. It's something she may need to get help for. The two of you could go to a counseller and talk it over. That's the last thing she'd want to hear, so you'd need to phrase that very diplomatically. If you tell her "It's your problem, get help!", then she's instantly going to go on the defensive and not listen.

Try suggesting to her that she goes to bed early (say 10 o'clock) a couple of nights a week, and then you can head out once she's gone asleep. Don't tell her if you're going out - she probably won't sleep - but if you make it random then she could get used to the idea, and eventually you could go out while she's still awake.

eth0_

I'm 23 and had been living at home for the past 6 months. I finished college four years ago and have been working ever since yet my mum acts in the same way as yours! There's really no way around this, it's unlikely you can talk her around so she'll change her mind about the dangers of you being out on the town at 2am, the dangers *are* real, you can't make them disappear. She's just being very over protective.

I had been living at home so I could save, but at the end of the day i'd rather have a life and some independence so I moved out again. I'd suggest you do the same. Surely you can get a part-time job like the majority of other students, and then you can move out?

Zulu

Believe it or not - you mum is at fault not you. She is using this as an excuse to exercise control over you.
What you need to do is explain to her, that you're going to be out late (just before you go out). When you come home, she'll be awake and hit you with the guilt trip. Promptly apologise and ignore. Go to bed. Continue doing this. She'll soon realise her guilt trips aren't working, that she is behaving as a small child, and treat you with the respect you deserve as a man.

If she needs her sleep, just be quiet coming in - it's her problem after that.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to treat her like a child throwing a tantrum - if you acknowledge and submit, you're the bigger fool. The only thing you are teaching her is that her methods are effective.

Chances are, she doesn't want to treat you like this, but can't help herself because you're her only child. You'll be doing both of you a favour if you stand up for yourself.

Of course, if you don't want to act like a man; if you want to back down when she treats you like a child, how do you expect her to treat you???

bringitdown

I got this when I was younger but then I went to my mothers home town one to visit the relatives, she got slaughtered drunk... it was very funny and slightly wierd. Her sisters and brothers filled me in on her antics as a young 'un (thank god they were much more innocent days).

From then on any time there was an issue I could bring up the story about such and such and the ditch or similar and nowt was said. I love my Mum.

Victor

Beruthiel wrote:

we will always be kids to our parents

Someone said recently "Our parents will always be parents and we need to accept that. Our children will grow up and we we need to accept that."

Zulu

Just stay clam. It you're talking to her at home and she starts shouting - stay the course, don't shout back; wait for her to clam down; when she has - explain that shouting isn't going to solve the problem.

If you ring home, and she shouts down this line. Ask her to calm down. If she dosen't, end the call, and ignore. She'll soon get over it - if you take control.

luckat

The poor, poor girl, my heart goes out to her.

She's approaching the "empty nest" age - the end of a career of maybe over 20 years. Her life is soon going to change beyond recognition, and she's scared.

She's been reading things like the Anabels case, and hearing stories from friends and on the radio.

All her life the correct, responsible behaviour has been what she's doing now - making sure that her child is safe.

And suddenly her behaviour is *not* correct - in fact, it's phobic. She's behaving like someone who touches every third lamppost so something terrible won't happen.

Unretarded, you're going to have to be very calm, and very grown-up, about this, for your sake and for that of your mother. And your father.

First, you're going to have to change your behaviour visibly for a few weeks: become much more organised, and much more calm. Whatever you do, no drama.

Then, when everyone has calmed down, you're going to have to work out a plan to negotiate.

Do you think you would be better to get your father on side first, or your mother?

From your father's point of view, he's going to be living alone with your mother when you do leave, so he is also going to be negotiating a changed way of relating to your mother.

Do your parents know your friends? Maybe you should bring friends home, warning them to behave politely and calmly, so that your mother doesn't imagine them knifing you in the middle of some wild Dionysian orgy.

If you do things gradually and calmly, you'll be able to negotiate your way through this together.

It's just one of the triplines in the journey to adulthood. We all trip over something - for some parents and children it's sleepytime tantrums at 18 months, or sleepovers at 12, or the age of first drinking.

You're probably shocked because your mother negotiated these well, but she's dealing with this one - which should be simple - so badly.

If you can't handle this yourself, you might suggest to your parents that you should go to a family therapist together.

dent

Lots of good advice here. I used to get similar grief. I suspect you never went through the teenage rebellion phase. To be honest mothers worry its what they do. Especially given the amount of street violence prevalent in today's society.

I'd agree with some of the above advice on showing more independence. Do your own washing maybe pay some cash towards the upkeep of the house. I'd definitely agree with having a quite word in your dad's ear.

Ultimately though it sounds like your just going to have to rebel. Don't scream or shout, don't argue. Just stay out late. Sure you will have to put up with grief but its a fact of life we all go through. If she rings when your out just send a text stating that you are staying out. Its going to be hard but eventually she will get used to it and she will learn to sleep. Harsh I know but you have your own life to live. Just make sure you pass the year

Sleepy

dent has the right suggestion here. Next time you're out, send your mother a text at a reasonable hour. "I'm going to spend the night at X's house. See you in the morning. Love ya - Unretarded". Now, switch off your phone and enjoy your night out. Make sure that X is a mate she's met before and it'll help if it's someone she liked.

This way she has no reasonable arguments to lash at you in the morning. You stayed with someone she knows. You let her know reasonably early and even told her you loved her in the text. It wasn't your fault that your battery died or that you had no reception in X's house.

You need to grow up a little in order to get over this. As other's said: make sure you're self-sufficient at home, don't let her mammy you in any sense of the word. And for god sake, stop bending over and taking it when she's being unreasonable. If she starts screaming at you just calmly say "You're being unreasonable, I'll talk to you when you've calmed down" and either leave the house or lock yourself in your bedroom, put on some headphones and block her out entirely. My father used to do this all the time at home, it'll drive her mad initially but eventually she does calm down (and she will) it'll leave you with the upper hand when the discussion does take place. She's acting like a spoilt child and the best way to tell her this is to make her realise it herself by doing something like the above. Don't scream at her. Don't lose your temper. Don't tell her she's being unreasonable. Just tell her how life is going to be from now on. If she starts screaming again, use the same tactic again. She'll have to start seeing you as an adult when you're continuously the one taking the more mature stance on things and once that's done, you've won.

LegacyUser

thanks for your help guys, a couple of points though

i know i am being a total pussy about all this but my mother was all i had till i was about 12 (my dad wasnt around) so we have a very odd bond and i find it extremely difficult to talk to her about my feelings in any way and there is just no way i can 'lay down the law' with her. telling her on the phone when i'm out for example that "i'll be staying out all night at Xs house" will not go down well, she can make my life a living her if she so chooses by putting me on the biggest guilt trip in the world....even as i write this i realise how much of a ****ed up situation this is...

to clear up a few things:

*of course i've stayed out all night on a few occassions and i've gone away on holidays with my friends for 3 weeks or more.

*most of you are advising me to have a chat with her but what you dont understand is that my mother does not seem to see me as an equal, she is excellent at debating and she can not be reasoned with on many subjects and she has the 'my way or the highway' attitude - of course i'd love to take the highway but its just not possilbe and she knows it, so she knows i will always back down and she will get her way. she calls me a selfish childish bully whenever i try to bring the subject up.

*of course i had my teen rebellion period and i work in a job which requires high levels of maturity and a very responsible ethic (lives are involved).

*at the moment it is impossible for me to move out and probably will be for the next 2+ years.

*if i try to say that we need to see a professional she will go spare and attack me.

pickarooney

She's treating you like an imbecile and emotionally blackmailing you - neither are very loving traits. Just calmly tell her what you're doing and when, in the beginning at least. Once she gets used to it, there's no need for you to continue calling/texting every time you go somewhere after midnight. You're not doing her any favours by acquiescing to her tantrums. She needs to cop on to the harsh reality that her baby is a man now, the sooner the better.
If she starts the "under my roof" piss-acting, calmy point out to her that the more she tries to hold you back physically, the more she's driving you away emotionally.
Mention that you're actively planning to move out as soon as financially possible, as the current living situation is becoming unbearable. She might see sense and relax her curfew a little, or she might not, if she's as selfish as you're painting her here.
It sounds as though she has your father whipped using the same cry-baby antics, if he's going along with everything she says for a quiet life. If he genuinely feels the same way, try and talk to him about the rationale behind tying you down, as a father will have less facility than a mother to emotionally manipulate a son.

chump

Get a small loan, relatively easy to get OR save up... and then move out for a month or so... that'll shock the pants off her and show her your serious...

Of course this would work best if you confronted her, and said something along the lines of..

Ma I'm serious, I want to start being able to decide myself how long I stay out ... I know you only me to be safe blah blah blah ... But this is what I want blah blah

She roars and gives you the usal routine, move out... don't come home one day and ring and say 'ah ma, oiv'e moved out...'

At best, she'll get angry but eventually bargain with you
At worst, they'll disown you and hang you out to dry...

either way, you're the winner!

Victor

Sleepy wrote:

She'll have to start seeing you as an adult when you're continuously the one taking the more mature stance on things and once that's done, you've won.

Oh yeah, there is one drawback to this scheme of ours. You will actually have to start acting like an adult. :-(

The Corinthian

Not wanting to put too fine a point on the issue but you’re pretty screwed. Your mother will attempt to control you and your life as long as she lives, and will employ every scrap of dirty emotional blackmail to do so. It’s not a conscious thing on her part; it’s just how she’s wired.

As for your father, my guess is that he will not challenge her on this, or in fact will rarely challenge her on anything.

You have two options; move out of home (and she will fight you tooth and nail on this) or just ignore her emotional blackmail. Mothers like that will cry, wind themselves up into panic attacks or even go as far as become ‘ill’, because it is this sort of behaviour that has allowed them to get their way their entire lives.

As I said, moving out of home is one option, but if you do I guarantee that she’ll ‘worry’ about you so much that her ‘health’ will suffer. Even the thought of you moving out will start this process as she attempts to dissuade you.

Ignoring her antics will cause a lot of grief, but if you can do it, will ultimately result in her giving you more space. The principle is not unlike training a baby (which psychologically is probably what never happened with her). Babies cry until they get attention. At a certain point in their development you have to ignore them, and they’ll learn that they can’t have you at their beck and call. Otherwise they continue and grow up and find more sophisticated ways of emotionally blackmailing those around them.

So go out. Let her stay up all night. Remember, it is her behaviour that is realistically abnormal, not yours. If she starts to tell you how much she’s suffering, just tell her that she has to get used to it and that you don’t wish to discuss it any further. If she cries, hand her a hanky and walk out of the room. Don’t pander to it, don’t let it change your behaviour. Otherwise she’ll keep at it.

Ultimately, if such tactics fail, she’ll eventually stop employing them. It won’t be easy but you know it has to be done. Otherwise you will be treated as a 13-year old until she dies.

Jekell

It is pretty obvious that there is no way out of this situation where you can both be happy. I know some people who sounds like your mother, and there is no way to reason or argue with them.

You are going to have to be a b*stard and stand up to her. She is trying to keep you as her little boy, which is ridiculous. You *need* your own life. Just start staying out late - don't be mean though - ring her and let her know you are going to be late - make sure she knows where you are. If she starts shouting down the phone, just end the conversation and hangup.

It will be hard for a while, but it sounds like this is the only way.

You could also look for books on this subject "How to let your kids live their own lives in 10 easy steps" or something. And casually leave the lying around the house!!

Seraphina

you remind me of the episode of malcolm in the middle that was on last night, with his mother's boy friend.

anyways, i had the same problem. i sorted it early. i was being responsible and not coming home and completely unreasonable hours, but my mam freaked at me all the time for being outside the time she set. there was no talking to her. when you talk to them, they know you're just going to try and bargain and then listen to what they tell you anyway.
the only way i got my freedom was by ignoring my mother. i stayed out til when i felt like it. yeah i got an earful in the morning, but it was always worth it for the night before. eventually she stopped complaining, now she doesn't even ask when im gonna be home. i can leave the house for three days as long as i tell her i wont be home that night and let her know where i am the next day. its still not the same as living on your own, but hell thats just too bloody expensive when you're in college.

The Sweeper

Unretarded wrote:

i know i am being a total pussy about all this but my mother was all i had till i was about 12 (my dad wasnt around) so we have a very odd bond and i find it extremely difficult to talk to her about my feelings in any way and there is just no way i can 'lay down the law' with her...
to clear up a few things:

... she calls me a selfish childish bully whenever i try to bring the subject up...

...if i try to say that we need to see a professional she will go spare and attack me...

Okay - so what, so what and so what?

There is no "can't" when it comes to talking to your parents.

Whatever it is - "I can't tell them I'm pregnant" or "I can't tell them I want to move out and live with my other half" or "I can't tell them I got caught cheating in an exam" or "I can't tell my mother I'll be home late".

In all of the above, for "can't", substitute "don't want to talk to my parents because I'm afraid what they'll say if I".

That's the bottom line. You won't pay attention to any of the suggestions here because you aren't willing to risk upsetting your mother or fighting with her. Perhaps you're hoping for the mystic solution of eternal happiness - hey kids, here's how to swing your mom to your way of thinking without ever upsetting her!

It's not going to happen. She'll be upset. But she's your mother. She's not going to stop loving you because you come home late. The whole reason she's freaking when you do come in late is because she does love you. Perhaps she's afraid of losing you because you were all she had for twelve years too remember.

But you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. There isn't an easy solution to this. If you don't feel you can talk to her, if you don't feel you can convince her, if you don't feel you want to fight with her, if you don't feel you want to rock the boat... then get used to feeling miserable every time you head home at 11pm.

seamus

MAJD post (as usual) is right on the money.

You're not going to get anywhere by doing nothing. You're going to need to grow a pair of balls and call her bluff, to put it bluntly.

You say it's "my way or the highway" when dealing with her, yet she doesn't let you stay out late, staying up worrying when you do? Clearly these two things aren't compatible. If you stay out all night, flaunt her rules, let her do the guilt trips, she will not ask you to leave. As everyone's saying, listen to her and do it anyway. If she goes mad at you, walk away, go out, lock your door and go to bed. Just don't react. Don't let her get her own way.

If she does tell you to leave, you still win. Take a rucksack, pack up two night's worth of clothes and go to the house of a good friend. It won't be long before she's ringing you asking you to come back, and that's if she even lets you get as far as the front door.

There is nothing else for it. If you don't stand up to your mother now, you're going to be henpecked constantly until one day you wake up, you're living at home, you're 35 years old, and you've never had a day of fun in your life. What about when you get a girlfriend? If she's this picky about how you spend your life, imagine how picky and pressurising she'll be when you're trying to create your own life.

The Muppet

Have you tried getting your dad on his own and having a man to man chat explaining to him how the current situation is making you unhappy. You say your Dad always takes you moms side but thats probably the "anything for a quiet life syndrome " most of us fathers tend to suffer from. If you can get him on your side you're half way there and he may be able to help your Mum see sense.

Failing that the only option you have is to do your own thing and see how it pans out. My guess is that after a couple of late nights out your mum will realise that there is no need for her to be staying awake when you are out. She will still be worried about you when you are out, most mothers do, but she will learn cope with that worry and get some sleep.

Sleepy

You missed my point, Unretarded. If you just text her that you're staying out and knock off the phone, there's nothing she can do about it. Sure, you'll catch all the emotional bullsh:t in the morning but if you just stay calm about it, behave reasonably when she's venting at you (bland indifference is the right attitude at this point). Continue to play it this way and, trust me, she'll get used to it.

Otherwise prepare to spend your life as Seymour Skinner.

Ba_barbaraAnne

As a mother of three lads I've got all this ahead of me in the next few years. I hope I won't be too over protective of my eldest when it's time for him to live as an adult. I can see where your mother is coming from but can also remember what it was like for me at your age. You've had lots of good suggestions and you should think seriously about staying over with friends when you want a good night out. That's what I ended up doing and it was ok.

If your mum can't sleep for worrying about you coming home then it's best she knows that you will be staying somewhere else and might manage a few hours sleep herself.

You are good to be concerned about your mother's health but she has to learn to trust you to look after youself. I presume you don't usually give her a lot to worry about?!

It could be worse - my neighbour is 37 and lives with his parents at the moment and his mum STILL can't sleep when he is out! It's a mother thing. I've also had the problem of going out leaving my 14 yr old in charge and him ringing me at 1 am to find out when I'm coming home! you kids can be just as bad as parents sometimes!

Hope you work it out for the best for all the family.

tinkerbell

Just go out and stay out. Don't come back too late the first night you rebel (like we're not talking staying out til seven in the morning!) - maybe be back for 3 a.m. or so, then the next night, stay out til your mates are all heading home, so you might be back at 4 a.m. (coz you said transport etc. takes up time for where you live).

If she gets mad at you the next day, just tell her you're not going to back down on this one. You're in college now and at college they treat you as adults (i.e. the college will not discuss anything with parents, etc. - they will only discuss whatever with the student), so she should be treating you like one too! You don't wanna be miserable - so just rebel!! Just tell her when you are going out - I'll be back when I'm back - will text during the night so as to let you know a time. She can't control your life anymore - what if you were like nearly all other students who have to come up from the country and live on their own - she wouldn't be able to monitor you then. And when you went on holiday with your mates, she couldn't monitor you then either.

And if she starts shouting, etc. and blackmailing you the next day, just walk out of the room. Tiz no way to treat you, it's not right, she may think she's doing you good, but she's doing the polar opposite.

Stark

My parents were the same way (still are). Just keep pushing the boat and they'll get used to it. When I started college there was a period where they'd always be awake when I got home, but it's not the situation now (sleep deprivation has to knock them out at some point ).

Agent Smith

i was under a VERY rule in my house. i was lucky to have a older sister tho...

one night, my mother refused to let me go out at all, ( i'm 19), after the usual argueing, i just went, expecting to hear a ear-full in the morning...


and I Did.

This used to happen Quite a lot, until one night where my sister happened to be in the room as the argueing took place. (she's 23), she basicly told my mother to catch herself on, my dad, as usual suffering from the "anything for a quite life" syndrom, stood up and said, and i quote
" for **** sake terry, he's 19, i was living in a diffrent country when i was his age, if he wants to go out, let him"

from that night on, all i need to do is send a txt when i'm not going to be home.....


i'd speak to your dad on his own first, ask him what he got up to when he was your age, then get him to have a quiet word in your ma's ear,

it could work