Funniest TV One-Liner

neuro-praxis

My choices are probably all from the one episode of Fr. Ted. Remember the episode with Owen McLove (a spin-off of Daniel O'Donnell) when he shouts fearfully at Mrs. Doyle in his Donegal accent, "Go away from me, you, I don't wanna catch the menopause!" and when she presents him with his two favourite things (cakes and jumpers) unfortunately combined into one gift (a jumper baked inside a cake) he shouts, "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!"

when trying somehow to justify why he doesn't mind being dressed in baby-clothes and being mothered by old women, he says,

"I've no willy."

SantaHoe

LOL yep
I can't think of any good ones off-hand, but some people/shows that spring to mind are:
Father Ted (Doogle)
The Simpsons (Homer Simpson)
Friends (Chandler/Joey)

Hobbes

"but Ted! Bishops like scifi!"

THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER

Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

neuro-praxis

thought of another. tee hee.

simpsons.

ralph Wiggum: Miss Hoover, a worm went in my mouth and then i ate it. can i have another one?

Miss Hoover: no ralph. while the other children dissect their worms you go to sleep.

ralph Wiggum: yay sleep! that's where i'm a viking!

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Do your limbs ever get tingly, eh? eh?

Kali

FRANK: What the fup are you doing here? This is my fuppin' spot. Get the fup off!
MRS.FUP: Hit him Frank.
FR.TED: But there's lots of room, could you not go over there.
FRANK: No fupping way!
MRS.FUP: F-U-P O-F-F.
FRANK: Ye. Fup off. We come here every fuppin' Sunday.
FR.TED: But this is Saturday.
MRS.FUP: Hit him Frank. I'll hit him for you.
FRANK: She fuppin' would to, and so would I you fuppin backsterd.

bugler

hehe .
Homer(taunting a shark which is ramming the bottom of a glass boat hes taking a trip on):
"is that the best you got? and you call yourself the king of the jungle?!"

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This is not a good day...to be a bad guy.

[IAR]Nevermind

no that just didnt sound funny writin down

neuro-praxis

(meekly) i laughed

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Do your limbs ever get tingly, eh? eh?

ThunderingMike

[The room is covered with empty food wrappers and assorted other pieces of rubbish. There are several ash trays loaded with cigarette butts. Ted has his sleeves rolled up and a guitar in one hand. He looks as though he is having a break down. Dougal is sitting on the bed with a keyboard, a completely bewildered look on his face]

Ted: Just play the ****in' note...
Dougal: ...The first one?
Ted: NO, NOT THE ****ING FIRST ONE! THE ****ING FIRST ONES ALREADY ****IN' DOWN!... JUST PLAY THE ****IN' YOU WERE ****IN' PLAYING EARLIER! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THE ****IN' FIRST ONE!... WE HAVE THE ****IN' FIRST ONE!

But you really have to hear it

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Smoothing over the cracks in decaying Western Society with plasticine and a butter knife, ThunderingMike

[This message has been edited by ThunderingMike (edited 06-01-2001).]

neuro-praxis

hey guys, please try for non-Father Ted entries for variety, puh leeze!

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Do your limbs ever get tingly, eh? eh?

whitetrash

goes something like this:

at krusty's funeral

homer(to Bart): Don't worry son, i'm sure he's up in heaven with all the greats: john dillenger, joseph stalin, <someone else>.
homer (sighs): I wish I were dead.

funniest line ever (even if i can't remember all of it )

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I Live (in a dream world)

D-Generate

Kent Brockman: Some people or calling this a meltdown Mr.Burns

Mr. Burns: Oh Kent thats just one of these new buzzwords, we prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

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Homer: Yeah Moe they were the suickiest team that ever sucked, oh no here come my damn wiener kids.

Bart & Lisa: We're not wieners.

Homer: Ohhhh, "We're not wiener" that sounds like loser talk you got to be more like a winner like me and my team. Nothing can stop us now.

Mr.Burns: Stop everything, i didn't pay $1000 for bowling.

Smithers: Sir, that's your bowling treatment. Remember the time when you forgot.

Mr.Burns: Oh yes that was unplessant for all.

stu_69

Homers kitchen
Barney:hey guys i think were running out of beer after this crate, and the next crate there's only one crate of beer left, puts hand over mouth "yeh yeh barneys right"
homer: ok clam down guys i'll go buy some more beer.

stu_69

actually that doesn't sound right.

only fools and horses:
del: think about it rodney you could be buyning your clothes from man at c&a
Rodney: (longingly) man at C&A

or

in the nags ead
mike(barman): lets prepose a toast to rodney and casandra
everybody with glasses raised: rodney and casandra
a split second later
Trigger:casandra and dave

Hobbes

Rodney: 'ere Del do they call him Trigger because he carries a gun?
Del: Naa cause he looks like Roy Rogers 'orse

bugler

hmmm we're stretchin the term one liner a bit lol.
oooooo nevermind was it not as funny as your olympic condom 'joke'?

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This is not a good day...to be a bad guy.

Mills

Simpsons is full of great one-liners, it'd take all day to list them all so 'll just describe one

It's in the episode where Homer an Marge are both on the panel for choosing the winner of a film competition. Barney wins with his moving film all about how drink has ruined his life and how he's never going to drink again. It's announced that the prize is a years supply of Duff beer and barney rolls up his sleave, holds out his arm and screams "Just hook it to my veins!!!!"

You'd probably need to see it but hey, I nearly wet myself laughing

Hobbes

good simpson one liner?


Mr. Burns: "This is a thousand monkeys, working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man! Let's see... It was the best of times...it was the blurst of times! You stupid monkey!"

neuro-praxis

Ralph Wiggum

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

[IAR]Nevermind

oh ur pushing me castor ur pushing me

Take it

"go crank you crazy some where else we're all stocked up in here"
Jack Nickelson (cant remember the name of the film its a classic film!)

neuro-praxis

From: Old movie "Stand By Me"

Amusing skinny boy says to confused annoying fat boy,

"Did your mother ever have any kids that LIVED?"

Excelsior

corridors
they are, arent they?

alan partridge

Miguel_Sanchez

Dammit - More Simpsons: WUHO!!

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Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?

Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

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I'm the Dude

Miguel_Sanchez

And before anyway says anything I know that that WUHOO! should have had an extra 'O'

Another quote:

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Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.

Judge: You mean a mistrial?

Lionel Hutz: That's why you're the judge and I'm the... law... talking... guy.

Kali

ive a few from Mallrats anyway:

Brodie: hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

and Jay planning about their attack on LaFours:

"Phase one, first you take a run at LaFours with a sock full of quarters, I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Noonch. Okay, you clock him on his head piece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Beserk style and knock out the ****ing pin and bickety bam the mother ****er is rubble. Hence no game show."

Bard

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Take it:
"go crank you crazy some where else we're all stocked up in here"
Jack Nickelson (cant remember the name of the film its a classic film!)</font>

Just so it doesn't drive you bonkers, "Go sell crazy somewhere else... we're all stocked up here." is said by Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets" - which is a damn fine movie and no mistake

Da Bounca

this is from a film ,not tv, but it has prolly been on TV.

girl- "Lionel, Your mother ate my dog!"

lionel- " not all of it (pulling tail out of mother's mouth)"

films called braindead, its disgustingly funny

bugler

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by neuro-praxis:
From: Old movie "Stand By Me"
Amusing skinny boy says to confused annoying fat boy,
"Did your mother ever have any kids that LIVED?"</font>

was that in stand by me??wasnt that also in full metal jacket then? Sgt.******* guy says it to Prv.Pile(fat guy)

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This is not a good day...to be a bad guy.

bugler

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by [IAR]Nevermind:
oh ur pushing me castor ur pushing me </font>

/me looks for castor in this topic thread but cant see him.....

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This is not a good day...to be a bad guy.

neuro-praxis

hey bugler - it was definitely in Stand By Me, but there is always the chance that one movie ripped the phrase off from another...or perhaps it's a common sarcastic sentence shared between peeps in the US..?

oh, and i've been wondering about the castor/nevermind quote thing too..

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Do your limbs ever get tingly, eh? eh?

bugler

yeah i never really saw stand by me properly so im willing to believe u on that,but yeah im almost sure it was in Full Metal Jacket too.

--Kaiser--

No one else will think this is brilliant, but who cares:

"People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch"
Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets

Soren

There are some classics in Porridge. One from the movie....

Mr.Mackay: There are only 2 rules in this prison. 1.you do not write on the walls, and 2.you obey all the rules.

the celtic tiger

The one Excelsior was talking about was not actually from alan partridge, it was a one off show that steve coogan did. and the line was something like this.

Steve Coogan and some other guy standing in the doorway of a hotel room. an awkward silence.

Other Guy: These corridors.
Steve Coogan: They are, aren't they.

classic.

another great moment was in the simpsons the other night when homer was a missionary.

Homer is building the chapel on his own. one of the natives starts talking in his own language and the subtitles say......

Native one: Maybe we should help him?
Native two: Maybe YOU should shutup!

tct

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I'm a bicycle!!


In all seriousness....the greatest place on earth!

bugler

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by the celtic tiger:

Other Guy: These corridors.
Steve Coogan: They are, aren't they.
classic.
</font>

oh dear. I havent seen said sketch,but im afraid its a blatant rip off of Airplanes continuos gags. i.e
Man: Chewing gum? (offering nielsen gum)
Nielsen: Yes,it is.
and so on,joke is repeated with diff people diff things being offered. shame Mr.Coogan.

Panda

Heeh
The Simpsons,
Ralph Wiggum: "Me fail English? thats umpossible..."
Always makes me laugh.
Also there was loads of short sketches in Monty Python that could qualify as one-liners:
Scene;
Giant Gorilla on a beach chases a topless woman and passes John Cleese who is seated behind a large office desk.

Cleese:"And now for something completely different...."

Heeh

Take it

thanks bard couldnt think of the name of the film at all

the celtic tiger

I don't think u quite get the genius behind...They Are, Aren't they!

The best bit was when he said.....These Corridors. It made no sense at all.

FIE!

tct

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I'm a bicycle!!


In all seriousness....the greatest place on earth!

Gerry

on the subject of airplane...

"I just wanted to say, good luck, we're all counting on you"

"Should we switch on the landing lights?"

"No, thats just what they'll be expecting"

"Looks like I picked the wrong time to give up sniffing glue"

and

Ted: "will you buy a ticket father?"

Father Billy: "Gamblin Ted, ruined me father and me grandfather!"

Ted: "Ah its just for charity."

Father Billy: "Ah ok so."

Ted: "How many will you take?"

Father Billy: "two thousand!"

Ted: "Are you sure about this" (or something)

Father Billy: "I CAN HANDLE IT TED, I HAVE FRIENDS WHO LEND ME CASH FROM TIME TO TIME"

sorry, I just thought it was funny.

Hobbes

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by bugler:

Originally posted by [IAR]Nevermind:
oh ur pushing me castor ur pushing me </font>

/me looks for castor in this topic thread but cant see him.....

I was wondering that too.

Victor

/me thinks Castor deleted his post!

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[Nsk]Victor
[NSK]MAC10ASSASSIN

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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

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I know things about pigeons, Lily

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bugler

/me thinks nevermind mistook me for castor lol.
anyway,heres another:
episode where homer and marge are riding like bunny rabbits and acting all in love etc:
Marge: you don't think what we're doing is wrong do you?
homer:i dont think anything i've ever done is wrong(stupid grin)

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This is not a good day...to be a bad guy.

TwoShedsJackson

errr what the hell are y'all on? I don't believe I have yet posted on this topic and I sure as hell haven't deleted anything.

bugler

thank u mister troy. so its true,nevermind "iz nutz".

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This is not a good day...to be a bad guy.

[SN]JAG

TV - "Its eleven O'Clock, do you know where your kids are?"

Homer - " I told you last night NO!!!"

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from calvin&hobbes

calvin wakes up in the middle of the night pulls on his coat and climbs out his window, from the nearest payphone he calls.

"hey dad its 3am do YOU know where i am"

black_wizardd

simpsons-monorail episode.....

homer throws someting(cant remenber what it was)from the speeding train....it catches on a big donut and stops the train from crashing.....homer sez...

- donuts.....is there anything they cant do.

also from that episode...

spock appears after the train is saved and sez....

- my work here is done

homer....

- but u didnt do anything!

spock.....

- oh didnt i (and disappears)....

NakedBibleReadingMan

Monty Python:

"We are the knight's who say ni! Now bring me us a shrubbary!"

Later, when Arthur brings a shrubbary:

"We are no longer the knights who say ni....We are now the knights who say Ekky Ekky Ekky Pwutang Boyhoo!"

Arthur: "Oh great knights who say <pause> Oh great knights who formally said ni....."

cyberdog

"She tires easily under the strain of trying to be interesting"

from Frasier (Niles explains to Frasier why his wife Maris is asleep under the coats at a dinner party)

shep the malevolent pixie

"in america, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women."

"stan, stan, he's our boy, if he can't do it, no one...will"

"aargh! the pointy kitty took it!"

"oh look, i'm making people happy! i'm the magicalman from happy land who lives in a gum-drop house on lollipop lane!"

all from the simpsons. i've got more, but i can't remember them.