minor crisis

LegacyUser

sigh, im really, really sorry for producing another 'im depressed, sort me out' thread, but i cant help it this time, usually i get over it, but i dont think i cant handle myself this time.

ive had a personality disorder since i was 16 (im 21 in a month).

im starting college for the third time. the first time i went to UCD, and realised it wasnt the course for me. i was also heavily depressed at the time, having attempted suicide just the summer before and having my friends desert me. ive posted before under 'loopers' about that.

the second time i successfully completed a course which got me where im going on monday. i am torn between being proud of my achievment, to knowing its not worth very much where im going. most of the people there will be more talented or as talented as me. i dont want to be the best, i just dont want to struggle all the time, im incapable of not comparing myself to everyone else.

the only reason last year was such a success was the way the teacher 'took care' of me. she understood i had depression yet she implemented firm guidlines and structure, under which i really got down to work and produced some good stuff.

this year is going to be totally different. im going to this college on the advice of my teacher last year, who i really respect. the thing is you're left on your own, they dont really 'care', its completely up to you to do the work and if you dont, tough bananas. im not expected to be mollycoddled or told im great or anything, but college starts on monday and im terrified into paralysis. we have a project to complete that ive barely started due to being depressedover the summer.

ive just moved out, much to my surprise that i could manage such a feat on my own. i felt so strong and able. moving out was a whole new step and i felt ready and able for it, and happy, of all things, but now thats fallen to pieces (sort of), we may not get our deposit back which means i cant move anywhere else. so its the same old story of me not ever being able to compelte anything for myself that i really wanted to do for me, as opposed doing it for anyone else.

now im just super depressed, ive been crying for the last few days. i know a girl who i met on boards, who is the best, she rang me the other day and i couldnt even tell her that i was depressed, even though she knows i suffer from deppression and she'd probably be the most understanding person.

now i have a month to find elsewhere to live, a half done, VERY mediocre project that is so basic and unoriginal and uncreative that im thinking of not handing it in at all.

im terrified of starting over, yet again, having to make friends all over again, not let on im depressed. my two best friends from last year both went abroad to college, my best friend since i was 14 just upped and left to Belfast with barely any notice, and didnt appear to care very much about not being able to see me before he left. after everyone else, i genuinely thought i mattered to him.

i just feel so alone. i was sitting in the flat last night, my flatmate had gone home, (she dislikes the place so much), and i just collapsed into tears. usually after crying id pull myself together and generally feel a bit better, but last night i just sat there for about two hours, in a state, and dragged myself to bed at about 3. i came back home to my mums tonight, because i was too depressed to be on my own again, but for various reasons i cannot stay here.

i feel so out of control and lost and trapped in this downward swirl. because i know its downward. im bulimic,and usually id only get sick after something bigger than a slice of toast,, but the last week or so ive been getting sick after everything i eat.

ive been feeling suicidal and been writing letters to my family, my ex, and my two friends who are in england. i have a message in my phone stored to send people when the time comes. usually all this planning relaxes me and gives me some power, then the suicidal feeling fades and i get on with things, but it isnt happening this time.

i dont want to sabotage my chances at possibly being a good artist, but i lack the self belief and self confidence that i would need. i would go see a therapist, or maybe the one i had before, but i cant afford it. i dont trust college counsellers even though they are free. maybe when i start college ill ask to go back on anti depressants. maybe im just panicking. its the lack of security, in college, not having a stable home, my friends are always coming and going.

ive stopped selfharming, like cutting, instead ive taken up having sex with whoever wants me, im learning that that is REALLY painful and im not giving myself away anymore, so far.

now its getting to become winter, and thats generally my lowest peak, i really dont like christmas, too many horrible memories, i only start getting alright again after february.
my 21st is in november and i am totally not looking forward to it, i was thinking of having a house party, because in know everyone would come to a house party, when really i just want to go to the pub, but there'd be much less of a chance of people coming. and i do sort of want to do something for it, even if its little, i just dont have enough close friends to do something little with. my 19th and 20th birthdays were both complete depressing disaster, im just hoping my family arnt the only ones who remember me.

i dont want you all thinking im a drain on people, im not at all, i dont offload my problems to anyone, sometimes i get excited by something and reveal to much, but i always apologise, i like going out and drinking and i love music and art and philosophy but i end up loving something or someone so much its becomes twisted and evil and does me more harm than good. i think too much about life and how insignificant we/i are/am. i like boys but then who'd want a suicidal insane girlfriend. i broke up with my ex because i was causing to many fights, too much craziness. the love was being dwarfed by my bitterness. so yes,i guess i was a major drain on my ex, but im careful now to appear fun, outgoing and friendly, i am actually quite friendly, i have a job which demands it, but its like acting or something.

i love people and i have all this hope for humanity and for myself but it never goes anywhere, i always always always end up at this bleak point again, where i can see no way out of. usually the mist clears, but this time, i swear to god, i can feel myself being dragged under for good. and im getting angry at how unfair it is, that i have to deal with all this **** ontop of everything else that my friends dont have to. that they can afford to be happy and they deserve it, thats the thing.

im extraordinarily odd. i crave human relationships, yet i shy away when i get too close, or reveal too much and scare potential lifelong friends away. im learning though, i think im learning. but i have a bottle of sleeping tablets above my bed and every night i think about them, and ive written out all the music i want at my funeral, and a poem id like my ex to photocopy and give my friends, and im really scaring myself.

im so sorry to be warbling on about myself like this, im so self indulgent and self absorbed sometimes all i can see is me and the mess ive made and its so disusting. take care everybody, take care of the people you love, and tell/show them you love them as much as you can, you mightnd know what a huge effect you'll be having.

tovalee

please, please PLEASE talk to a counseller or your family, or anyone whos in a position to help you.

x in the city

thats a harrowing tale.

im starting life at ucc, at 30. im a transfer into year 3. im movin into a stupid flat and know no one and have a pile of stuff to worry about.......

life is a bitch, at the best of times......its what you make of it.

friends come and go, there is new friends just around the corner for you.

i hope you dont do anything stupid.......

AngryBadger

meh....I didn't even read the whole of your posting. Mainly because after a while I began to feel that the difficulties you are experiencing are what we all do. Honestly I hated my first 2 years in college. Hated in every conceivable way. Not interested in getting into details here, it's nobody's business but my own. Point is, college isn't just something youdo and go "well whoopdeedoo college is a great place of learning and getting laid whenever I feel like it". College is difficult, and the more serious you take it the more difficult it is.

I'm doing postgrad now, just starting my second year, and I still ****ing hate it. I just came home from a night out with some cool people, because I just couldn't deal.

Look, the bottom line is, there's no equation for getting on in life. If it were as simple as going to a place, drinking lots of alcohol, and getting on with everybody, then we'd all be experts.

Unfortunately it's not like that. Each of us has our own unique set of needs. But no-one else has those needs, so it take a lot of time, and patience to find some people who we can even share a fraction of those needs with. And i'm sorry but that's it.

It's lonely, and it's difficult, but that's it. My money says you're very sensitive, so when someone makes a joke at your expense you're really hurt. When someone elseis hurt, you feel for them. And sometimes you don't do what you think you should because you want to fit in,and I bet you hate yourself for that.

if any/all of the above is true, all it means is you're not infallible. And that's it. There's nothing wrong with that. There's no-one saying we all have to be perfect speciments of humanity, because none of us are.

Point is, you're not tie to what you feel everyoneelse expects you to be. take some time, decide what/who you want to be. then come back, and if you feel like it try to fit that to what other people want/need.

and I wish you the best of it, I really do, it's about the hardest thing you'll ever try to master. Good luck

spoiltbrat

Hey,
Don't go listening to the old "snap out of it" answers people give you. Depression isn't about your 'perception' of things, its how things really are for you... its not how you see things, its the way it is for you.
You feel things deeper than most people. This may seem like a big burden for you now but in time you'll see that its a gift - people will want what you have.
You worry about your art and people being better than you or being your equal. Art is not about bettering others, if someone apparently draws better than you or sings better than you, or whatever, thats just the way they do it.
You need look no further than the greatest artists/musicians of recent centuries to see that. During his time Van Gogh was laughed at because he dared to leak his own feelings into his paintings. At the time it was presumed that the real measure of a painter's skill was how closely they could detail a scene before them.... little did they know that Van Gogh's sensitivity to the elements around him would create timeless portraits and landscapes.
Look around Dublin even. Look at some of our most disgusting concrete creations... the dude that designed them was top of the class once.
Just be you.
I imagine some of the problems you have with your friends are related to your feelings and maybe you burden them with how you feel. At some stage you'll realise that no-one is going to look after you, and that when it comes down to it that job belongs to you.
Have strength. Breathe deep. Its a ****ty world sometimes but believe me that when it goes right it will go very right... especially for anyone capable of true compassion.
Life swings both ways.
Hang in there and give it a chance.
[Heart]For you[/HEART]

b3t4

*hug*

A couple of years ago I could have written something very similar to what you have written. Some advice I will give you is to take some time out. Do something which you like to do and do it right now and enjoy it for what it is. Your mind is racing around itself with so many thoughts. Take a day off to let your mind rest a bit. Start pleasing you and not everyone else around you. You'll find that once you stop trying to be what everyone else expects you to be or the expectations you have off yourself, people and yourself will love you for just being you.

Also getting in any way better is going to take along time. It took me over three years to get where I am now and it wasn't an easy road. I still get bads days but there isn't as many of them.

Concentrate on the small things and the big things will work themselves out.

*hug*

dewsbury

Nothing contructive to add except the the "minor crises" was well written and a very good insight into your situation.

Gareth O'Callaghan wrote a book about depression. One of his major conclusions was that physical exercise (& lots of it) was a major help.

AngryBadger

dewsbury wrote:

Nothing contructive to add except the the "minor crises" was well written and a very good insight into your situation.

Gareth O'Callaghan wrote a book about depression. One of his major conclusions was that physical exercise (& lots of it) was a major help.

Hey,would you mind putting up the title of that book? Curious to read about the link between lack of exercise and depression

Doodee

Depression is something that people have to come to terms with by themselves.
Going to Councellors and Shrinks only gives you a better understanding of why you are miserable, but actually getting out of depression is up to the individual.
Exercise helps since it gives you a goal to achieve with results that help your confidence.
For me, I just think about what i want from life, and think of all the ways I can achieve them. Its a ****ty ****ty feeling, but dont let it run you right down. Getting over it builds your character and makes you a better person, better able to cope with life and better able to guide others.

Theres not really much anyone could say, but Best of Luck and look at the things that make you,yourself,happy.

LegacyUser

thankyou so much for all your replies. ive given a lot of your advice to other people here before, i hate being in this position. my mother surprised me this morning with an article in the paper linking suicide and self harm with body piercing and tattoos. shes unbelievable. i thought coming home for a night would help, but its made things worse.

she also told me that one of my sisters said that everybody leaves home because of her, which is true. she demanded a yes or no answer from me about it, then claimed i left to avoid my problems. apparently im the one who's disfunctional, not her.

she really upset me, now i dont know why i thought it would be a good idea to come home. she was so nice to me on the phone, but it all changes once youre back in the house. so i cannot tell her anything, really. she uses things ive said or done, she twists them around to suit her, like bringing up something i said two years ago this morning, that i couldnt even remember.

she keeps saying how she'd never cope if something happened again, my dad is 65 and im sure all he wants to do is retire and enjoy his grandkids. this is the time in my life when im supposed to be getting on with things on my own terms, being independant etc etc, and all i can manage is to get depressed and whinge on the internet.

i am really hoping that once i start college ill get into it and ill be okay, but i wanted to start in a good frame of mind, and thats not going to happen by monday.

i know i sound like im a moaning and feeling sorry for myself, i wish i could show people just how not sorry for myself i am. its a constant struggle i have to keep it up all the time.

the summer was okay, i worked alot and went to visit my sisters, all in all my summer was akin to an old ladys, lots of hanging about, doin glots of very 'safe' things. gos ive gotten so boring that if i do anything interesting itll 'set me off' or something. too much stimulation and i crumble. i cant read more than one page of 'zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance' a day or ill start thinking too much and feak out.

i was thinking about going to an aware group thing, its free, but i had a bad experience with groups before and i think id need one on one to be honest, this isnt me wanting a therapist all to myself or anything, but i get very insecure and and bothered talking about myself in front of others. i used to just not talk at all, then got accused of being attention seeking because i didnt talk. it was nuts.

i keep thinking im going to wind up back in john of gods, in a way i think its what i need, but that would mean holding off college for another year, which i cant afford to do at this stage. maybe i just need a good reality check, maybe ive got a serious mental illness. im so confused that its 'all in my head', that im making things out to be worse than they are, my head is full of all this constantly, i wish i could just prick my head like a balloon and let it all out. i cant make any decisions, then i regret the ones i did make, im all over the place. i cant take any time out because i have college in less than two days and im completely screwed for that too.

its all such a mess yet its all my own fault. maybe i will go talk to the counseller in college, just to get some perpective or something.

thanks spoiltbrat, for what you said, it is really part of me, its not like an addition that i dont want to remove, its part of my personality at this stage. sometimes i think its a good thing to feel things so deeply. surprisingly i dont take things very personally, i dont mind very much what other people think of me, its what i think of myself thats doing the most damage. about two years ago i stopped thinking that jsut because id take care of my friends, doesnt mean they have to take care of me. im very creful now who i tell stuff too. im inbetween the two extremes of being too trusting, and not trusting enough, i cant find a balance.

i would let up of myself, but i know this year i have to be tougher than ever to keep up.

thanks for your reply dewsbury, i can barely get out of bed in the morning, think ill takle that one first. im putting off the whole suicide thing untill at least after college has started.i cant belive im writing about it in such a flippant way.

angry badger, the fact that you didnt bother reading my whole post but replying in such an offhand way about what is an incredibly huge deal for me, makes me thinking that your advice is based not on actually caring about my situation, but caring more about yourself. this post is about dealing with depression on top of other stuff, yet you just spoke mainly about your own college experience, with no reference to the main problem, which is my depression. i doubt very much you were suicidal while also dealing with college.
but i appreciate the last part of your advice, which ill take to heart, thankyou. please read my entire post, itll give you a better understanding of my situation.

b3t4, you've replied to me in the past, and i respect everything you have to say, thanks a million.

Doodee

ive given a lot of your advice to other people here before, i hate being in this position. my mother surprised me this morning with an article in the paper linking suicide and self harm with body piercing and tattoos. shes unbelievable. i thought coming home for a night would help, but its made things worse.
she also told me that one of my sisters said that everybody leaves home because of her, which is true. she demanded a yes or no answer from me about it, then claimed i left to avoid my problems. apparently im the one who's disfunctional, not her.

she really upset me, now i dont know why i thought it would be a good idea to come home. she was so nice to me on the phone, but it all changes once youre back in the house. so i cannot tell her anything, really. she uses things ive said or done, she twists them around to suit her, like bringing up something i said two years ago this morning, that i couldnt even remember.

Heh, This happens all the time to me, My mother will send me up newspaper articles on Drugs or Something else she is concerned over. Your mother probably just doesn't understand the matter, and she blames you cause she doesn't like the idea of her either being a cause of certain sadness or else not helping in any way. Its like that saying goes, You always hurt the ones you love.

i am really hoping that once i start college ill get into it and ill be okay, but i wanted to start in a good frame of mind, and thats not going to happen by monday.

Thats a very positive outlook, hang onto it. You can't just suddenly climb out of a state of depression, you gradually get over it. And little goals and achievements all help, no matter how insignificant you believe they are to others. Do what makes you happy.

i know i sound like im a moaning and feeling sorry for myself, i wish i could show people just how not sorry for myself i am. its a constant struggle i have to keep it up all the time.

Heh, I dont think you should worry about what a load of internet nerds think. This forum is here for Venting or seeking advice.

im so confused that its 'all in my head'

It happens to the best of us. Just find something to do that takes your mind off it. Either your College work or else joining a club or something. It can work a treat. You're your own worst Critic.

Hope It helps.

Pet

Curious to read about the link between lack of exercise and depression

It's not so much lack of exercise causes depression; rather it's that exercise dispels depression. I think it's something to do with endorphins that are released during and after exercise, which lift the mood. Ever notice how you always feel (a little) better after a good 40 minute walk?

my mother surprised me this morning with an article in the paper linking suicide and self harm with body piercing and tattoos.

Again, I always find that body piercing (again, because of the endorphins) lifts the mood. I was severely depressed for about six months last year, but when I'd get piercings, I'd feel better, if even for a day or so. I think the link is there because of the type of people who are attracted to that "scene" (if you want to give it such an annoyingly old-fashioned name). Probably similar to the link between "satanic music" (:rolleyes:) such as Marilyn Manson and suicide in teenagers in America.

she keeps saying how she'd never cope if something happened again, my dad is 65 and im sure all he wants to do is retire and enjoy his grandkids. this is the time in my life when im supposed to be getting on with things on my own terms, being independant etc etc, and all i can manage is to get depressed and whinge on the internet.

I guess she has an idea of how you're feeling at the moment. But again, it's the dysfunctional Irish mammy - she can't bring herself to discuss it with you, instead she's trying to let you know how much it would affect her if you did commit suicide. I guess it's a pretty selfish way of doing it - "stay around for my sake", but even so, it shows that she knows and cares.

As for getting on with your life, what bull****. You're only 21, and in this overpriced ****hole of a country, you won't be "settling down" for many years yet. You've nothing to worry about in that respect.

im very creful now who i tell stuff too. im inbetween the two extremes of being too trusting, and not trusting enough, i cant find a balance.

yeah, I guess I'm the same too. Part of me wants to confide in others, but really, I don't want to be a burden to them, silly as it sounds.

As for the main issue, the depression...I can't really pinpoint what drew me out of mine, but I'm pretty sure it was getting to know someone who was as dark as I was at the time. I really poured it all out to them, and them to me. They'll never know how grateful I am to them.
I came close to medication many times, but the side effects would have been too much, especially since I was in the middle of 6th year at the time. SSRIs can be a bit crap for the first few weeks. I suppose I still live in the shadow of it, but I try to put it to the back of my head.

You sound like you're going to art college...I think the best thing to do would be to find someone your own age, of similar viewpoints, who you could confide in. AS great as the internet is, you can't beat old-fashioned 1-to-1. YOu say you don't want to try group again, but if you could find one with people your own age, I'd say go for it. And you're lucky to be an artist, because I found creativity (music) to be a brilliant release, it must be the same with art. And pain is supposedly the root of creativity..

I'm sorry that I can't give any better advice though.

king_of_inismac

more deppressed,

Glad to see you are able to talk about the way you are feeling on an open forum. Too long depression and suicide were topics never discussed.

From what I have read of your posts, you seems like a very intelligent, articulate and honest person. I would suggest, and hope, that you would find professional help.

It would seem a much wiser decision to seek help immediately, then to let the problem esscalate. College can wait, and I'm sure you would achieve more, and find college much more enjoyable, if you were in a better state of mind.

I often think myself that those who suffer from depression are often more receiptive to their emotions and by such, can find themselves overcome by them.

I do hope you will find help and start enjoying your life,

there is hope, and most importantly, remember you are not alone

Best of luck,
Martin

dewsbury

AngryBadger wrote:

Hey,would you mind putting up the title of that book? Curious to read about the link between lack of exercise and depression

The book by Gareth O'Callaghan was "A Day Called Hope - A personal journey beyond depression". ISBN 0-340-82649-5.

If you want I can post you a free copy of the book. I have read it once and no longer want it.

LegacyUser

more depressed. I feel for ya in this situation,

All last year i had a severe bout of depression, Not as drastic as your sitiuation would appear.
I think it was because of my(dont laugh) over thinking, id wind up thinking my self into a deppression, Most of it was Self orientated thoughts. So i decided to stop thinking if that makes sense, and just got on with it. Although I went away on a holiday for the whole summer that helped alot. It kinda gave me a clean slate to work from.

From the sounds of it your doing an arty course, i started one last year, i believe thats what brought about my deprression , 1st year was such a headfuk, So just a bit of pre warning, don't let college bring ya down. I forget who said it on this thread but theres no way to snap out of depression, its gradual.

Good luck, stick it out, and don't do anything rash.

MiniMcGee

I hope your first day at college went ok.

I have just read your post. You are very brave sharing your problems like that. You must remember that you are not the only one suffering like this. Everyone at some stage in their lives will feel down about one thing or another however it has all got on top of you. My advice would be to just take one day at a time, no feck that, take one hour at a time. You also need to tackle one issue at a time and dont think that everything can be solved at once.

Firstly:

You must start eating again (and keeping it down) Food can really help, you might find that you are more depressed because your body is suffering too. Just take it one meal at a time, ease yourself into eating a little more each day, if you feel like rushing to the bathroom afterwards - try your hardest to stop yourself and be proud when you do. Reward yourself each day by doing something you like, whether its drawing or chatting on here.

Secondly:

Try not to worry so much about college work. It is hard, some find it harder than others, but you should be proud of yourself that you made it that far, there are thousands of people in this country who havent done well enough to do what they want. Me being one. You are there now and thats great. Remember that there are people at your college that are there to help you pass and get though the year! And im sure your paying enough to be there so you should use them. They are getting paid to listen and help you. They will help you organise you projects/assignments so you dont seem so bogged down with work.

Thirdly:

Dont expect to make tons of friends straight away. This will take time. Just be friendly to people and dont be afraid to start up conversations in a group. It will take a few months cos everyone else is new too. I can bet you that they were all sitting at home last night too fretting over what their class was going to be like and if they'd get on with everyone.

Lastly:

I want to tell you to get these suicidal thoughts out of your head. But its not that simple. You will see that if you work on the above things, as you start to see some progress (like keeping your food down for a week), you will begin to feel more in control and content with what you are doing.

I hope this has helped a little, im sorry if i rambled on at all. I have to head now and sit on a stinky train for 2 hours to get home, and then get at 6am in the morn and do it all again :eek:

Hope your feeling better.

Shad0r

more deppressed wrote:

sigh, im really, really sorry for producing another 'im depressed, sort me out' thread, but i cant help it this time, usually i get over it, but i dont think i cant handle myself this time.

You have nothing to apologise for, thats what this forum is for.

the second time i successfully completed a course which got me where im going on monday. i am torn between being proud of my achievment, to knowing its not worth very much where im going. most of the people there will be more talented or as talented as me. i dont want to be the best, i just dont want to struggle all the time, im incapable of not comparing myself to everyone else.

Dont do that to yourself, really, you should be very proud of what you've achieved. College is a tough transition for anyone because it is basically down to you to get your work done etc. There is no hand holding, but remember that you worked to get where you are today and as such you deserve to be there as much if not more than anyone else on your course. Regardless of how talented they think they are. Also when it comes to art, its all about personal perception which can and will vary drastically, so try not to get too bogged down by how talented everyone else is.

I could be completely wrong here but it sounds like your getting stressed over your art and its quality. Your words say you dont want to be the best but your message suggests that you do want to be one of the best. And theres nothing wrong with that so long as you dont loose sight of why you started to draw/paint the second time you ever did it. The first time was probably because it was something else to do, the second time, I'm guessing, was because you really enjoyed doing it the first time.

If your enjoying your work it will show in it.

now im just super depressed, ive been crying for the last few days. i know a girl who i met on boards, who is the best, she rang me the other day and i couldnt even tell her that i was depressed, even though she knows i suffer from deppression and she'd probably be the most understanding person.

You sound like your pretty alone right now, which is probably the worst place in the world to be. If she knows of your situation and is a real friend, I'm sure she'll be nothing but understanding and empathetic. You should ring her and talk to her about it.

i dont want to sabotage my chances at possibly being a good artist, but i lack the self belief and self confidence that i would need.

It really annoys the crap out of me when people post about things they have no understanding about as they usually just come across as complete retards <and my knowledge on depression is pretty limited, but its getting better every day. Apologies if this makes me sound like a retard> BUT when I read this I had to ask a question: Is it not enough to just enjoy your craft for right now? For right now instead of thinking about the finish line why not just enjoy the painting for the sake of painting. TRY to have fun with it and see where it goes.

i dont trust college counsellers even though they are free. maybe when i start college ill ask to go back on anti depressants. maybe im just panicking.

If suicide is a real option and by the sounds of things lately for you its been too real, then your not over reacting. You probably should go back on anti-depressants.

ive stopped selfharming, like cutting, instead ive taken up having sex with whoever wants me, im learning that that is REALLY painful and im not giving myself away anymore, so far.

Sounds like you've switched from self harming on the outside to self harming on the inside. Just cause your not bleeding doesnt mean your not hurt.

i dont want you all thinking im a drain on people, im not at all, i dont offload my problems to anyone, sometimes i get excited by something and reveal to much, but i always apologise,

EVERYBODY NEEDS to have someone they can offload to. Keeping all that stuff bottled up is incredibly self destructive.

im so sorry to be warbling on about myself like this, im so self indulgent and self absorbed sometimes all i can see is me and the mess ive made and its so disusting. take care everybody, take care of the people you love, and tell/show them you love them as much as you can, you mightnd know what a huge effect you'll be having.

I've said it once already and I'll say it again and again if thats what it takes, you have nothing to apologise here for. It what this place is for. Dont loose hope, things will get better if you hold onto it. And regardless of how inable they are to express it, I'm sure there are people out there who love you...

Best of luck, I really hope everything works out for you...

LegacyUser

thankyou so much for your replies, im feeling a little better now, getting up is never going to be an okay thing to do. college is hard and full on but i think maybe this time itll be worth it. havent gone to the counseller, im working on it. thanyou again so much

snorlax

hey, i don't think there's any advice i could give you except to look after yourself, don;t bottle it up, even keep posting on boards, just talking alone will make you feel better. check out these link
http://www.samaritans.com/ or www.aware.ie
or www.niteline.ie (for college students)
you can email them annoymously or ring them/or meet them in person. there probably better trained to answer you/ give advice then anyone here on boards.

i hope you feel better and remember that your not alone, thousands of ppl suffer from depression, including some ppl i know. just please look after yourself and remember that if things gets too hard to handle and you feel like doing something to yourself, thats the time you need to look for help.

LegacyUser

today i just ended up crying all day, i didnt go into college untill after lunch, then stayed late to catch up, but ended up just wanting to cry every few minutes. i feel so weak and helpless and useless. this has been going on for longer than 4 years now, and im still unabe to control myself. anyway, thanyou again, shador, pet etc, for your warm replies which boosted me up so much. i keep thinking about my funeral and being very scary about it. i cant continue in this vein. ive found that im much more depressed in the mornings, so im going to try to work my schedule around that, if i can, but then i end up being very tired in the afternoons. took a nap yesterday that lasted 7 hours and fnucked up my sleep that night.

sigh, again, thankyou so much, i wish i could describe better just how thankful i am for all your compassion

x