Eye Contact

LegacyUser

This only came to my attention a little while ago, when i was having a conversation with somebody, they told me i was being very rude by not keeping eye contact. I apologised but never realised i was actually doing it, it was almost sub-concious but since they said it, i realise i have a big problem in keeping eye contact with people. what can i do to overcome this?

meepmeep

Yeah I have the same problem. I also blush when people are looking at me.

Its holding me back in my job as I went for a promotion and my boss told me that as I couldn't keep eye contact with anyone, it showed I had no confidence and he didn't think i would be able to go to meetings and speak to groups of people.

If anyone knows what we can do, please help! Or is it a case of building self confidence. Which is gonna be v. difficult

Lenny

Just ignore everyone around you and just concentrate on the person you're talking too, you're only lookin in their eyes. its not like they can see through you,
its just something you've got to work on really and build up..

Dr. Loon

Lenny wrote:

. its not like they can see through you,

Yes they can. Well I can anyway. The eyes give away a hell of alot. I don't like looking at people's eyes all the time either. It's not like I'm in love with everyone I meet.

Original poster, fúck that person, they're being more rude by telling you that. Tell them to fúck off if they do it again.

Lenny

Well maybe its just me so,
I love looking people in the eyes when I am talking to them,

Commissar

meepmeep wrote:

If anyone knows what we can do, please help! Or is it a case of building self confidence. Which is gonna be v. difficult

I've heard that practicing public speaking in clubs like Toastmasters helps.

Dr. Loon

Lenny wrote:

Well maybe its just me so,
I love looking people in the eyes when I am talking to them,

I suppose it shows you've nothing to hide. Not a bad thing. Either way, I wouldn't give out to someone for not looking me in the eyes all the time! That's rude I reckon.

seamus

I keep thinking that I'm not looking people in the eyes, that I'm looking at their teeth, or that weird spot on their face, etc. But when I catch myself, I try to maintain eye contact.

It's a funny thing. Looking someone in the eye the entire time you're talking is intimidating and annoying. But not looking at them at all makes you seem uninterested and not listening. I try (without thinking) to look them in the eye about 60% of the time, and just avert my gaze slightly (to the desk, their tie, something behind them, anywhere slightly off centre) the rest of the time so as not to be staring them in the eyes, but so as not to appear like I'm not listening...

simu

Look at the pace between their eyes. And look away from time to time, as Seamus said.

I am MAN

I only keep eye contact in interviews or in work situations but socially I couldnt give a ballox most of the time.

Sarky

I have been told my stare is very offputting. I only maintain eye contact with people when I'm really paying attention.

ferdi

proper eye contact is a very intimate thing so i believe it should not be over used.

The Corinthian

I like eye contact. Eyes are pretty.

LegacyUser

When talking to women its most important to talk and stare directly at their breasts, in no way attempt to look at their eyes

tinkerbell

I notice that some people tend to look at the other person's chin when they are talking, as opposed to the eyes! They even do it on TV n such, dammit look in their eyes!!

SantaHoe

Un_ wrote:

This only came to my attention a little while ago, when i was having a conversation with somebody, they told me i was being very rude by not keeping eye contact. I apologised but never realised i was actually doing it, it was almost sub-concious but since they said it, i realise i have a big problem in keeping eye contact with people. what can i do to overcome this?

As doctor loon said, fúck them if they think it's rude... Jesus how over-sensitive would you have to be to find that rude.

I don't think it's about confidence or anything else, It just feels weird and awkward when you're not used to doing it.
I used to have the same thing, for whatever reason, I couldn't hold eye contact for more than a second or two... it just felt so stupid to be holding eye-contact for any longer with, say, an interviewer... I mean is there a TV behind those eye-lids?

I got over it by treating it as a game, seeing if I could hold eye-contact longer than the other person and laugh to myself when they divert their attention to break the stare (yes I have a bizzarre sense of humour sometimes).... just like a little staring contest, only in this case 5 to 15 seconds should be all it takes.
I'm not suggesting you try to "stare-down" your interviewer, that sort of thing doesn't go down very well apparently (lol ).
But try it on people where it doesn't matter... be carefull though, they might think you're hot for them, or that you want te' foight! ... so don't do it to weird people.
I reckon once you've stared-down a few people for the laugh, whatever part of your brain is freaked about eye-contact will chill out a bit, then you can choose make as much or as little eye-contact as you feel neccessary/appropriate for the situation.

luckat

Look at someone for a couple of seconds with a friendly expression, then look to something you're holding as a demonstration, then look back at them and smile again. It'll become natural, especially when they smile back at you.

Blushing: the big trick is not to try to hide it. Just stare at the person who's making you blush, and talk to them. And if anyone comments, say "Yeah, I'm boiling in here" or "Yeah, it's really fresh out here..." Nobody really thinks you're blushing unless you try to hide it.

embee

I find it hard to get the balance right with eye contact.

At an interview, obviously its important, but.... not too much.

With people you know, how much is too much? Whats the "acceptable" percentage?

In the past, I would have found it difficult to maintain eye contact with someone I fancied.... would be looking around everywhere but at them.

Not anymore though

Bunnyefey

luckat wrote:

Look at someone for a couple of seconds with a friendly expression, then look to something you're holding as a demonstration, then look back at them and smile again. It'll become natural, especially when they smile back at you.

Blushing: the big trick is not to try to hide it. Just stare at the person who's making you blush, and talk to them. And if anyone comments, say "Yeah, I'm boiling in here" or "Yeah, it's really fresh out here..." Nobody really thinks you're blushing unless you try to hide it.

The Blushing things a complete bitch and usually its down to a lack of self confidence. I can tell because I was the master of blushing for no reason whatsoever for years and it crushes your esteem because the more you think about it, the worse it gets. In saying that, its been almost 2 years since I've seriously blushed and I put it down to trying to forget where you are and who you are talking to, even if it means you're in a daze for a couple of seconds. Eventually, you blush less and less because seriously, the more you think about it, the worse it gets and therefore the less you think.......blahdeblah

So yeh, drift away dolls, drift away. It worked for me, now it can work for you

As for eye contact. You tell if someones being rude or not and its not essential to make eye contact. If it comes naturally, then do it, if not then don't. No point in seeming artificial right?

Falkorre

I used to have the same problem as a teenager, tbh I still do from time to time but only if I over-think it.

My solution as a teen was, lol, to look at the persons eyebrows, DO NOT DO THIS! LOL I kept wanting to laugh an giggle, some peoples eyebrows are like catterpillars on speed when they are talking! LOLOL

B

AngryBadger

meepmeep wrote:

If anyone knows what we can do, please help! Or is it a case of building self confidence. Which is gonna be v. difficult

I've heard that sex in public places can really help build self confidence

The Clown Man

Try looking at the mouth for the time they are talking but look at the eyes as much as you can after that. You only have to glance every now and then at the eyes to keep a confident impression. Try it.

luckat

Did you ever watch Elton John's eyebrows when he sings? *One* of them has a life of its own, and is obviously trying for the Riverdance award. Hilarious!

blobert

Try not to worry about it, though it sounds like you can't help yourself. I've never heard of someone complaining out loud about it though, sounds like a bastard.

the_syco

I look deep into their eyes...

And if I don't like them, or want to irrate them, I look @ an object behind their head. This is meant to be quite unnerving, as I'm looking @ them, but they can't catch my eye.

As for eye contact, my problem is gettin eye contact by accident, whilst day dreaming. Ie; I "wake" up, only to find myself staring @ someone. Highly annoying.

As for it being intimating, I'm 6foot 6. Unless I'm sitting down, it'll be intimating.

SantaHoe

the_syco wrote:

And if I don't like them, or want to irrate them, I look @ an object behind their head. This is meant to be quite unnerving, as I'm looking @ them, but they can't catch my eye.

That's brilliant
Although they might just think you're a bit cockeyed.

Dr. Loon

the_syco wrote:

As for it being intimating, I'm 6foot 6. Unless I'm sitting down, it'll be intimating.

That's a couple of times you've mentioned your height and intimidation factor on boards now as far as I recall. Why? Doesn't matter if you're 8 foot 9... a good kick in the balls and you're goin' down.. I really don't understand this bragging about height... can you explain? I might start a new thread here on it. It upsets me.

pickarooney

Use your hands more when you speak, that way it'll draw their attention away from your eyes as you're talking. Looking at them in the eyes every so often complements it well.
You can also look away slightly as you're thinking about something and look back at the end of the sentence, to cue them in to their turn to speak.

Gordon

Dr. Loon wrote:

That's a couple of times you've mentioned your height and intimidation factor on boards now as far as I recall. Why? Doesn't matter if you're 8 foot 9... a good kick in the balls and you're goin' down.. I really don't understand this bragging about height... can you explain? I might start a new thread here on it. It upsets me.

Not here you won't.

frodi

A trick I used was to look at the tip of the other persons nose. For you there is no eye contact but for the other person it looks to them as if you are keeping eye contact.

Mutant_Fruit

guest1111 wrote:

When talking to women its most important to talk and stare directly at their breasts, in no way attempt to look at their eyes

Yes, remember, they have eyes near there ass, and in their breasts, so its acceptable behaviour to look at those parts of their body when talking to them, or if they walk by.

On a more serious note, i know what you mean. I don't keep 100% contact either, but i try to look every now and again. People focusing 100% on my eyes unnerves me, and then i stammer, if its a hot girl, i blush badly, just like this

My advise, look about 65% of the time, but its up to yourself really. If you are talking to someone 1 on 1, you'd better be at least looking in their direction. Also, try wearing lightly shaded sunglasses (works best in summer), i hear it works for bono. You feel as if they can't see your eyes, and then you (in turn) have no problem looking at theirs.

Laguna

I'm not a shy person so I can't understand how eye contact with someone is a problem. The advice I can give you however is just practice on yourself in the mirror, talk to yourself about anything, maintaing eye contact, making sure not to stare, just relax your eyes. Then try it on your family, as they're a known quantity, then after a while you won't even realise that you're doing it. Don't shirk away from looking into someone's eyes, don't feel intimidated by anyone.

Shad0r

Un_ wrote:

This only came to my attention a little while ago, when i was having a conversation with somebody, they told me i was being very rude by not keeping eye contact. I apologised but never realised i was actually doing it, it was almost sub-concious but since they said it, i realise i have a big problem in keeping eye contact with people. what can i do to overcome this?

Eye contact is an essential element of establishing trust. If you never make eye contact then the majority of people will think your shifty/untrustworthy. You can tell alot about a person by whats in their eyes and thats probably why some people have a problem making eye contact; they feel kinda bare under someone else's gaze. Especially people whom they preceive to have more going for them.

Making eye contact is good way of punctuating what your saying. You dont need to stare into someone's eyes the entire time your talking to them to use this 'interpersonal tool' effectively. (The exception btw is in romantic situations)

The good news is that its EASY to get better at. There is a world of opportunity for improvement out there. With no risk.

It's simple:
Next time your on the bus/walking down the street/wherever there are people that your passing, catch someones eye. Hold their gaze for a sec (if they hold yours obviously, alot of people wont), smile and then look away.

99% of the time they will offer you a smile back, sometimes they'll just look away, and sometimes, you may even get a winning smile from the opposite sex, that may prompt you to start chatting with them You dont have to tho, you can always just keep on walking...

Shad0r

forgot to mention that eventually you will start to enjoy looking into people's eyes.

As Corinthian said: Eyes are pretty!

pickarooney

Laguna wrote:

I'm not a shy person so I can't understand how eye contact with someone is a problem. The advice I can give you however is just practice on yourself in the mirror, talk to yourself about anything, maintaing eye contact, making sure not to stare, just relax your eyes. Then try it on your family, as they're a known quantity, then after a while you won't even realise that you're doing it. Don't shirk away from looking into someone's eyes, don't feel intimidated by anyone.

Yeah, get that Travis Bickle look down and any job you want is yours.

Rozabeez

if people stare at me while i drink something i usually end up laughing, then getting the liquid everywhere, then probably choking.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

You can tell alot about a person by whats in their eyes

pupils?

Stark

Mordeth wrote:

Shad0r wrote:

You can tell alot about a person by whats in their eyes

pupils?

soul.

It's that weird mist you see seeping from people as they sit down at their desks.

Optikus

i get kinda paranoid when making eye contact in job interviews it feels so weird, but i've been told you need to do it otherwise you do come across untrustworthy or uninterested. but other times when im relaxed im probly doing it all the time without even reliasing or its just that im drunk i dunno, it f-ed up anyway.

chill

Un_ wrote:

This only came to my attention a little while ago, when i was having a conversation with somebody, they told me i was being very rude by not keeping eye contact. I apologised but never realised i was actually doing it, it was almost sub-concious but since they said it, i realise i have a big problem in keeping eye contact with people. what can i do to overcome this?

For a start you can practice.... practice on your friends and family...

You don't need to STARE into people's eyes... just occasional contact. This is a body language thing that affects how you are perceived EVERY day... even if you don't realise it, and that goes for friends, mates.... prospective 'mates' and employeres/bosses.
If you have a real confidence/self esteem problem it may be very difficult to develop. But if not .. then you can do it with practice.

tovalee

I'm extremely shy and self conscious and have been told I seem shifty cause i look everywhere except at the person im talking to. When i had to do a presentaion in front of my college class, my instructor gave me great advice.. do the security camera sweep. just look up every few seconds and sort of sweep the audience slowly, you dont have to linger on one person for more than a second or two and it makes it look like your paying attention to your audience instead of concentrating on not depositing your lunch on your shoes. as for one on one eye contact, i always look at the spot right between the eyes.its a great fake

Victor

Practice on simple situations like with cashiers, where you know you can escape in X seconds. Try to hold eye contact longer and longer, but don't look like a freak.

hollocaine

embee wrote:

In the past, I would have found it difficult to maintain eye contact with someone I fancied.... would be looking around everywhere but at them.

ha im glad i came accross this, because this there a girl who i really like and i think there is something between us but eye contact isnt happening when were talking. im never usually that shy and i know from her friends thats she insnt either but theres something nice about it!