when you came out

bopper

i am out to parents a year now. i'm glad about when i told them that i didn't tell them any earlier or any later. i do regret how i told them though. just wonderin how do other posters feel about when, where, why etc. they came out

moridin

They found out when I was about 16, through less than ideal circumstances, and we agreed to wait till I was in college and see if my feelings had changed.

I told them properly after breaking up with my ex-bf, cos I felt really crap and didn't want to pretend to be okay.

They started to accept it when they met another bf, who was and remains a really really lovely person, and they could see that he wasn't a freak

segadreamcast

My parents found out through lack of discretion on my part (they found a 'coming out' book hidden within...heh, my closet no less). I didn't want them to find out - I still don't. It's all under the rug. Eventually when I'm comfortable with it and find someone else my age that's gay and that I can relate to...then, perhaps, I'll tell them again. With certainty. And pride.

Hurrah.

azezil

Bout a year and half now i suppose, happy enough with how it went, only sorry i couldn't have accepted it myself sooner

Stark

Had a few incidents where my parents found out stuff to suspect I was gay but I wasn't ready to tell them at the time so it was just kind of sweeped under the rug. Wouldn't mind it being out in the open now, but I can never find the guts to tell them, and my brain always envisions the worst case scenario that might happen. My mother will just mock me, and sneer about how it was so obvious, I know that much. My dad's the closed book on the other hand. Don't have a clue how it would go.

Shewhomustbe...

I find it so sad that people still have to hide who they are.

I don't claim to know anything substantial regarding homosexuality but after confirming to yourself, yep I like boys/girls, the fact you can't celebrate that with your family/friends, well saddens me. And not being able to show a new relationship is worse.

I just don't get why people have such a problem with it. Everyone just wants someone to love, and love them, does it really matter who?
Well yes since it's against nature, blah, blah, blah.
I know stupid question, ism's of any kind frustrate me.

Without sounding like a condescending hetro, I hope you all find someone to hold hands with.

moridin

Shewhomustbe... wrote:

I just don't get why people have such a problem with it. Everyone just wants someone to love, and love them, does it really matter who?

Without sounding like a condescending hetro, I hope you all find someone to hold hands with.

Well that depends on the perception of the people whom you're 'outing' yourself to.

With parents, naturally they're going to be worried about you... and it doesn't help if they've met gay people in the past who're total freaks, or they think that you're hanging around with weirdos.

I think this was a big part of the problem with my folks, it wasn't until they saw that I wasn't going to end up shacked up with some nutjob and actually had some taste as regards potential partners that they started to accept it.

ixoy

Me? Well the first suspicions came up when I was ehh 20 I think it would be. Friend sent a card and my mum mis-read it because it was very affectionate for a guy (I just thought it was sweet). There was a "talk" and then my Mum wanted to see if my opinion would change (yeah right) over time.

Couple of years later we have a conversation like this in the sitting room:
Mum: So I was walking with Caroline, and she asked me "Does Aidan have a girlfriend?" And I said no, not that I know of. But y'know Caroline, she's kinda blunt [I could so see where this was going] and she asked, "Well is he gay?" And I said, "Well I don't think so. But having said that I don't know." So ... are you?
Me: Yes.

Now the conversation went on a little, in awkward fashion and, with upsets here and there. My Mum thought she "caused" it and then flipped between fretting I'd end up with some psycho as well. I still think it only really settled in when she meet my boyfriend and saw me being affectionate around a guy.

Now it's accepted and all and the thing is the most troublesome part for my parents wasn't so much accepting my being "different" but that I'd not end up happy. It's both sweet and sad.

Hopefully, as being gay is ever more being widely accepted here, people will find it easier to tell their flks and have no shame in it.

Falkorre

Weirdly enuf, I dont think I was ever really *IN* the closet! lol
Whenever the subject of boyfriends / girlfriends came up, it was always "he" I would say, for example, "he would have to have a good sense of humour"......

I mean, yeah ppl asked, were surprised, an yeah, iv had my fair share of hassle over it, (specially because apparently a disabled person actually *having* any kind of sex, is still apparently taboo lol,)...gotten into arguments an fights over who I am, but the closet thing was never really an option for me for some reason...... still not sure if thats a good thing or not lol, somtimes not being a mouthy old queen is safer maybe lol

I remember once, as a 7 year old (or thereabouts), bout 20 years ago anyways, being asked in class "Who is your hero and why", as a homework essay,.... hehe never forget the teachers face when she read my essay on "My hero Kenny Everett" lolol

b

ferdi

love is never wrong

fozzle

Still haven't told my family. I think my sisters have a fair idea, and I don't think my mum'd care, but I'm worried about my dad. From what I can tell he had a few bad experiences with agressively gay guys when he was in his twenties on the continent and it's left a bad tast in his mouth, a "not in my back yard" kind of mentality. The thing is, he's met quite a few gay friends of mine and my middle sister's and gotten on great with them, but I'm afraid that he only doesn't mind because it's not his kids. Also, I don't know how well they'd understand the whole bisexuality thing, I know a few of my straight freinds had a problem getting their heads around it. I don't want this to be treated like a passing phase or a fad.

Annasopra

Came out to friends in college about 1-3 years ago, haven't come out at home yet

College was strange. I had this good friend who I came to by texting; she replied by texting back a message saying "x is gay, I won the bet" I was not happy, but we made up, after that I gradually came out to more people in college and then one day did it sort of publicly in front of a group. The reaction dissapointed because it was a big huge deal for me but for them it was like; so what, we knew anyway

I guess the last 2-3 years have been a journay of me feeling comfortable with myself, cause school was just hell which meant I closeted myself for another 4 years after leaving school

I find it so sad that people still have to hide who they are.

I don't claim to know anything substantial regarding homosexuality but after confirming to yourself, yep I like boys/girls, the fact you can't celebrate that with your family/friends, well saddens me. And not being able to show a new relationship is worse.

I just don't get why people have such a problem with it. Everyone just wants someone to love, and love them, does it really matter who?
Well yes since it's against nature, blah, blah, blah.
I know stupid question, ism's of any kind frustrate me.

Without sounding like a condescending hetro, I hope you all find someone to hold hands with.

You have to understand that people have been brought up being told that it is wrong that gay people are sick perverts and paedophiles, they have been bullied in school, religions have been less than tolerant and pervaded shame in our society

If young people are bought up with constant messages like these then it may be very hard for to accept themselves; I don't know the stats but I am sure many youth suicides are caused by internalised homophobia.

Also I am aware of some people who have come out and been disowned/ thrown out of home by their parents. some people in older generations still hold extreme religious beliefs

Stormfox1020

ferdi wrote:

love is never wrong

Bar when Michael Jackson is involved.

OfflerCrocGod

Johnnymcg wrote:

I gradually came out to more people in college and then one day did it sort of publicly in front of a group. The reaction dissapointed because it was a big huge deal for me but for them it was like; so what, we knew anyway

LOL Drama queen

Scarling

erm...i haven't..:(

pixie_student

Scarling wrote:

erm...i haven't..:(

Me too :eek:

And can't see it happening for a long long time

Im a scurdy cat

Stark

The time will come when it'll feel right. When you just can't shut out a whole part of your life to your closest friends any more, when you just have to know the answer to "would they still be my friends if they knew I was gay, and if they the answer is no, then they were never really my friends anyway".

Scarling

pixie_student wrote:

Me too :eek:

And can't see it happening for a long long time

Im a scurdy cat

hehe...you're me!!
It doesnt matter what sane and decent advice people give, all that goes through my mind is ''but yes, this is me though..hmm something shiny..''

MistressPandora

I've come out to my friends that I'm bi, but not to my parents. My brother found out once, when he was extremely drunk about 3 years ago, but, even to this day, he's not really sure if that conversation ever happened lol. Although, after several times of telling him I was bi, he was so certain that I kept saying "lesbian" instead of "bi-sexual" and you've got to be pretty wasted to mix those two completely different sounding words up.
I doubt I'll ever be able to tell my parents tbh, my dad tells too many "gay" jokes which upset me enough as it is, I don't need to hear any more.

dictatorcat

My friends know, but as for family only my sister knows, my parents and other siblings will never know, rural Ireland, elderly religious parents and all that. Some might call it gutlessness, but I just don't want to hurt them, and it would.

pixie_student

Stark wrote:

"would they still be my friends if they knew I was gay, and if they the answer is no, then they were never really my friends anyway".

Well they'd still be friends with me.. but they wouldn't understand or act the same around me!

I drop the odd hint now and again just to test the water but they are a bunch of homophobics :rolleyes:

tendofan

I'm out to most friends, but not to family, and I have to say that without
doubt it's something I regret, though the manner in which I came out was okay (all over at mine and it kinda just came out in a gin soaked haze).

It was a minor disaster, not in the 'I'm never speaking to you again' way but
more in a change in their behaviour around me, a certain _politesse_ that
wouldn't have been there beforehand; metaphorically dancing about a "touchy subject" that I'm not touchy about at all!

I expect over time that it'll fade into the background, but for now, but it's
a period of adjustment for them/us, though it remains to be seen if things will recover to any extent.

Tendofan

Zillah

I'm the same as tendofan, out to most of my friends but not to family. However most of my family has presumed; not that I'm camp or anything, far from it, they just noticed the lack of a girlfriend for, well years(I'm actually bi, but have rarely met any girls that really catch my interest. There's been a few, but not many). It's been hinted at but never actually discussed. No one seems to care really.

With my friends there was never any big revelation, it just slowly came out now and then until I realised there was pretty much no one that didn't know. No one acted differently, no one got freaked out. Remarkably simple over all.

Amnesiac_ie

I suppose this is the first time I've come back to Uni more "out" than "in." I'd been on the "gay scene" and even worked on it and a member of the LGB soc etc for a long time before I ever felt ready to tell close friends, classmates and family about my sexuality.

Anyway, USI LGB Pink Training 2003 was something of a catalyst for me. I'm not great at describing feelings but I really did leave Galway last year with a sense of empowerment and contentment in myself; something I had never felt working in a gay bar or being on the scene before. That's why I would encourage anyone who is a USI registered student who hasn't been to PT before to attend this year. It's in Cork and contact your LGB(T) soc or Wlefare Officer for details!

But anyway, back on topic...

I told my mother one week following Pink Training. That was something I had put off for a long, long time. I don't think anything can really prepare you for "telling" your parents. Even in 2004 it's an incredibly difficult, daunting and scary thing for most people to do. The one common denominator in most peoples' experiences seem to be tears. Mum cried, but I didn't. I told her that I had shed far too many tears regarding the whole thing in the past.

I'm from a rural Catholic background and my anouncement came as a complete surprise to my mother. (Stop sniggering, I know she must be blind but a mother's love can be!) Without thinking she blurted out some pretty stupid things but at the end of the evening she hugged me and told me she loved me and was proud of me for telling her.

Trouble is we haven't discussed it much since. If at all. That has been very hard. It's hinted at if we're having a disagreement (and used in a derogatory way) but she's not ready yet to deal with it fully and discuss it openly. That is hard to deal with but I do feel a lot happier in myself for having told her. Everyone around me has noticed how much more content and confident I am now. I'm happier than I have been for quite some time. And apart from that nothing has changed. She still supports me as much as ever and I do believe in time she will come to view it and accept it and be prepared to tell others/meet a partner etc.

My friends have been pretty amazing regarding coming out. Of course for them it hasn't been as unexpected. Most people claim it doesn't bother them and the only change in the friendships is that they are stronger. It's great not having to hide anything or lie about any situations and that does allow you to be closer to people because not being honest about your sexuality does create a significant barrier.

I have a lot of friends who would previously have been self confessed "homophobes" and it their reaction that has touched me the most. Their attitude to "the gay" has changed completely since I've come out. They see me as the person I always was and it is their homophobic attitudes that have changed and not their attituide to me. Naturally a couple of people can get akward at times, but it's nothing major and a lot less of a problem than the akwardness of trying to pretend to be something you're not.

God I've rambled. But basically even though I mightn't have had some Dawson's Creek Fairy Tale coming out experience I'm a helluva lot happier for havign done it and life is good. I've lost nothing... wasn't so long ago I thought doing so might lose me everything!

Boston

pixie_student wrote:

Well they'd still be friends with me.. but they wouldn't understand or act the same around me!

I drop the odd hint now and again just to test the water but they are a bunch of homophobics :rolleyes:

Queer and Fagot are just words, there maybe no subtance behind them, just habit