granny needs help

gubby

My 3 yrs old granddaughter came, with her mom to live with us last year after her parents split up. For a long time it was very difficult. She was very unsettled for a long time. I guess now when I look back she has improved a lot since she came.
My question is about behavour. She gets really nasty to most people in this house. Her mother and I are about the only people she will tolerate. When my husband comes home from work she shouts at him and says "I dont like him" or she tells him to "get out of my room/house" Also to my daughter in law to be who is mad about her. She shouts at her and doesnt want to talk to her etc.
I guess my question is how should we react. Should we ignore her bad behavour? or should we punish her?
It is very hard to know how to handle it. On one hand I dont want to force her to be pleasant to people if she doesnt want to... dont want to squash her independance.. on the other hand, being a granny, I believe that rude behavour should not be tolerated. Help me!! any ideas..
Also,,
when her dad rings.. lately she refuses to talk to him.. just says "no thanks I dont want to talk to him"
But on the other hand on the few times that she does talk to him she is pleasent to him and says "I love you daddy"
I feel she is confused about the break up.. she loves her other granny and granddad and I am sure she misses them.. is that why she is behaving like this.
Sorry for the long drawn out story. but it is really worrying me. I would love to know how she is thinking.
any suggestions would be great.
gubby :rolleyes:

climaxer

Hi Gubby - I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she was confused. At her age she would probably think that her Daddy doesn't live with her anymore because he don't love her. If it was my little girl I would try explain to her (if you havn't already) in a language that she would understand that Mammy and Daddy still both love her so much but need to live separately for now. Also if its possible try and get her to see her Daddy at least twice a week and maybe the same days so she'll know that maybe every wednesday and saturday she sees her Daddy. Routine is very important at this age. Check out some of the Barney videos or programmes and there is a song about different sorts of families which is really nice and explains why all families are different. Its a lovely song and the lyrics are something like this "Oh a family is people and a family is love, thats a family, they come in all diffent sizes and different kinds but mines just right for me.....". My daughter's father saw her once in her whole life and I've always explained from a very early age the situation. Kids can understand a lot more than you think and will feel more confident if they know exactly what the situation is (to an extent). As for the bad behaviour if she's still playing up after trying all the above and you've asked her why she don't like Grandad etc. and she's just being naughty I would try the time out approach. Or maybe if she's being really naughty maybe no tv or treats for a few days. Best of luck to you as it is hard knowing whether you're being too soft or too hard on your kids. You want to spoil them of course as you love them to bits yet you don't want them to be spoilt little brats who everyone avoids and have no friends. Just thought of one other thing that works very well with young kids is to "try" ignore them when they are naughty and give them tonnes of praise when they are being good. Kids really only want their parents/grandparents attention so if they only get your attention when they are naughty they will be naughty just to get your attention but if you ignore them then they will start to associate being naughty with being ignored and being good with getting attention. Sounds easy but it is hard to change the pattern but it does work. Hope that makes sense!

dewsbury

Granny!
It sound a a bit cheap & tacky but what if Grandad brought home a few sweets each time he arrived home. He might become Mr. Popular!

Also a few years ago my 4 year old was upset when we located back to Dublin. It took her the best part of a year to settle down. She was troublesome in school and found it tough to make friends. She is now 8 and absolutely thriving !

Kids like a boring stable rountine predicable life - which in turn your household can become (??)

Rozabeez

my 3 year old niece can be pretty bad as well. sometimes she cries so much she cant breathe and nearly throws up. whenever i go to my brothers house to mind her while they go out she tells me loads of lies to try and get me to move in with her such as "you have to move in here because granny is getting a new girl and she doesnt love you".
and "granny doesnt love you because she made me buy you a bedroom"

Victor

gubby wrote:

Should we ignore her bad behavour? or should we punish her?

One of your responses is passive and one agressive. You need to find the assertive middle ground where everyone is considered "You'r important, but so am I". I suspect this may be found by talking things out with her.

gubby

thanks for all your replies. It is great to get such feedback. some of the thinngs i get from the comments is routine is importaint!!! that is so true. I know it is not easy for her here.. it is not a "normal" house as there are 6 adults liveing here and i feel sorry for her with so many people pullin her in diffirents directions. Unfortnatly her dad has not seen her since last May. He has stopped paying child support for her. He is not the most mature of people. At the beginning, when my daughter moved home he made life very bad.. phone calls, threats, etc. We all tried to keep most of it from the child but as someone said.. children understand a lot more than we think.
I agree that grandad should bring little treats but he doesnt want to use bribary.

In the last few days, (after weeks of almost forcing her to talk to her daddy on the phone) we dont even ask her to talk to him and she seems happier.
Even though I we do not like this man he is still her dad. we have leaned over backwards to allow him to have a relationship with her.. but he cannot have any relationship over the phone with a child.
He thinks he can interpet a court order to suit himself. he says he will not give any more money to my daughter (it was only 40 euro a week) but will buy anything she need ... yeah right!!! still waiting for that.
thanks again everyone.

luckat

Hmm, tough times, Gubby, sorry that it's come to this. Poor kid, poor you, poor mammy.

As you know from years of being a mammy, kids will do what gets them attention and reaction, even if that reaction is dislike. So you need to ignore her when she shouts or is rude. Ignoring doesn't mean putting your hands on your hips and staring disapprovingly at her, either! It means behaving as if nothing has happened - the same way you'd behave if President McAleese visited and let off a snorter of a fart.

But any time she behaves in a kind way, smile at her - and sometimes give her a sweet.

If the attention she's getting is *positive*, and she's getting that attention for *nice* behaviour, then she'll kind of refocus, and target herself towards the nice behaviour.

As for the way she's treating her father, my personal feeling would be that it serves the bollocks right.

*However*, I think it's super-important that her father should only be discussed in front of her in neutral terms: "When is Bert coming to collect Roisin? Six? OK, thanks."

She's too little - feck *I'm* too little! - to be able to sort out the rights and wrongs of angry grownups. So just steer clear of them while she's around. And don't try talking in code, kids always understand.

But if she asks questions, try to answer them fairly, in a way that makes everyone's behaviour understandable to her: "Your dad's feeling very cross with your mum at the moment, but he'll get over it - and it's nothing to do with you." Try to have fair, emotionally undemanding answers ready for any questions she may ask.

What she needs most at the moment is, as dewsbury wisely points out, routine, stability, calm and knowing what to expect.

One great idea is to stash some sweets around the house where you can retrieve them fast, and if she behaves well, give her one. Not every time, but often at first, and randomly after that. Lots of approval, lots of hugs, lots of sweets, lots of songs made up just about her - but these happening when she's being a good girl. You'll be amazed at the difference.

Beruthiel

The poor little thing, her life has crashed down around her, she’s fighting back the only way she knows how. As has been mentioned already, kids thrive on stability, take that away from them and they are lost. She cannot understand why her parents aren’t together any more, she may think it’s her fault, that she did something wrong. She may not trust men for a while. Patience is required and has been mentioned lots of love, hugs and an affirmation that the rest of her family are not going to just disappear as well. Under no circumstances force her to talk to the father anymore. Ask her what she wants and go by that. She’s mad at him, later she may come around. Grandad could perhaps offer to play with her, in the park, maybe some PC games if she’s into that. Hide and seek, perhaps asking her what game she would like. He could drop a jigsaw in the middle of the floor and start on it, see if she goes for that. Trial and error is what is required till ye all work it out. Bad behaviour should probably be ignored for the present till she gets over her little tantrums - carry on with what you are doing as if she wasn't even there. I used to do that to my daughter when she was little, after a while she worked out there was no point in throwing them as no one was paying any attention. I used to give two choices (great trick that)
you can carry on as you are and I will ignore you
or
you can stop what you are doing and talk to me
eventually they get it.

As has also been mentioned, never, ever slag off the father in front of her. She will find out later when she is older what he was like, for now, he's her Da, no matter what, she doesn't get he's an assh0le yet and it will not help her now to hear negative stuff about him.
love and time is all she needs.
good luck!