Can't seem to get get over it

LegacyUser

I know there are a million other threads like this on PI, but just wanted to get this off my chest.
I've only ever had one serious relationship in my life. It lasted 4 years, and was for the most a very happy one. Towards the end we feel ouf of love, and rather than stay together for the sake of it, we broke up. I would say the last year we just stayed together because it felt comfortable, but the initial passion wasn't there at all - we were lucky if we had sex once a month.
So by all means we both thought the break up was a good thing, and there were no regrets or bad feelings.

I think though that I underestimated my ability to cope with it. I thought it would not be too hard - I didn't love her anymore, and we were still going to be friends so what was the big deal?

It's now nearly two years on, and I find I am thinking about her or the relationship we had more than ever. I will often dream about her and it often makes me quite depressed.

To make matters worse, we haven't really stayed in touch, seeing each other every few months. And even when we do meet up it feels awkward and we have our coffee and leave as soon as we can.

I think it is more the idea of the relationship than the actual person that appeals to me at the moment. I keep remembering how I enjoyed the comfort of it - the way you can sit with someone for a few hours watching TV and not fell you have to talk to them for example. This is something I long for now, not the love or sex part of the relationship.

Since we broke up I have not had any interest in trying to meet other girls. I know this would probably be the easiest way to overcome it - "To get over someone you need to get under someone else". It isn't easy for me though. I got together with my ex when I was quite young so never really had a chance to "play the field" too much and am lacking the experience/ confidence to do so now. Plus the idea of "hunting" for someone does not appeal to me in the slightest. I would love to meet someone but not in a nightclub or pub.

I was wondering if anyone else had any similar experiences when breaking up? I feel that 2 years is a long time - surely I should still not be hung up on it?

snorlax

your with a guy for 4 years, thats a long time, if it wasnt working for you, you did the right thing by leaving him for your long term future.

Going out with someone that long probably gives you some kind of security, so of course its going to be shock when that's suddenly gone. Aswell some people are more sensitive then others when it comes to breaking up, eg others feel it worse and find it harder to get over. there's nothing wrong with that !

the only thing you need are a bit of self confidence and an ability to find your own independence again. even when your in a relationship never give it up as it will give you all the confidence you need to get out of a relationship if its not working.

once you do this im sure you'll feel better and forget this fella soon enough., in the meantime look after yourself or take a break with some good friends.

LegacyUser

Do I sound that feminine? I'm a guy Thanks for the advice though!

snorlax

sorry you did a little bit. well id give exactly the same advice to anyone. i know a few ppl in relationships that aren't working and they won't break up just because of the security the relationship provides, and the're scared of having to be single in case know one else out there fancies them(self confidence issue).
but there only doing the're self a disservice because they cant meet any new ppl and get out of a rut.

Zulu

Here - you've just posted the last 6 years of my life buddy. I was in the EXACT same boat. Went out for 4 years. Weren't really haveing sex. Exact same story. Finished the relationship 2 years now. I missed/miss the relationship. I miss going to bed at night with someone I really trust. I miss waking up in the morning with someone I love.

But... this morning was different. A while ago I ment someone, by chance, who was really really cool.

Look - don't go out scoring if you don't want to. Don't do anything you don't want to. All you can do is wait. Someday (for me, when I had lost all faith and become very cynical) you'll wake up next to someone and be happy again.

Soory I can't give you more pro-active advice, but your story is so similar to mine - if you were a girl, I'd have taught you were my ex.