what friends?

LegacyUser

I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.I'm a gal who's always had guy friends. I just have more in common with them than girls and all but one of my close friends were guys. Anyway, once I got married, my male friends all backed off, waaaay off. I never hear from them. If I try to get a night out in the works, or even a casual visit, they always come up with excuses to not go. I've tried planning events with my husband and my male friends together in case they're just afraid of offending my hubby, who, btw is not the jealous type and is always very nice to them. So now, a few years later and no matter hard I try to keep these old friends or even make new ones, guys always get really weird as soon as I say I'm married. As a result I have no close friends anymore. none. I try to be friends with women, but i just cant find any common ground. I'm an engineering student and there are very ,very few women in the field anyway. Is there some way convince people that just because your married, your still the same exact person you were before?

Victor

nerdgirl wrote:

Is there some way convince people that just because your married, your still the same exact person you were before?

Well society says you aren't the same. You must now play the "couples inviting each other over for dinner routine". When (if?) you have kids you can then have the "our friends are our children's friend's parents" .....

Staying with my sister one Christmas, one of her friends "had to" balance dinner by matching me up with the au pair - she couldn't tolerate the thought of either a single male or a single female intruding on their world. :rolleyes:

What about tryin the good old evening class routine, either doing something techie or something completely un-techie?

Etain

It would seem very strange to me to have my BF or husband spending his after-work hours with another woman. Do you make it clear that they should bring along their wives or girlfriends? Maybe you would find something in common with the women to spark a friendship.

JustHalf

Victor wrote:

Staying with my sister one Christmas, one of her friends "had to" balance dinner by matching me up with the au pair - she couldn't tolerate the thought of either a single male or a single female intruding on their world. :rolleyes:

I think the only relevant question here is "was the au pair hot?"

Victor

JustHalf wrote:

I think the only relevant question here is "was the au pair hot?"

Reasonably, but my sister would have battered me.

pickarooney

The problem is not the husband, though. He obviously knew she had mainly male friends when they met, and is not jealous of them.

I might be going out on a limb here, but it sounds very much as though they all harboured romantic feelings for her (nerdy, introverted types (not that there's anything wrong with that)?) and now that she's off-limits she's that much less interesting.

I know, I know you're going to say that they would never confuse friendship and love, that you share common interests and are one of the lads... but why don't they want to see you any more? Do they still do the same things they always did? Could you getting hitched be seen as a betrayal of some unspoken pact that you'd always be single friends together doing the same old things as always? Do they, in fact, have wives/girlfriends and if so are those wives/girlfriends OK with them hanging around with a woman?

Swarfboy

I ask a similar Q? last week...
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=187161
I know what ya mean.... I grew up with a load of sisters and have always had a 60/40 split with female/male friends... my wife of 12 years grew up in a family of boys hence how it works.. a lot of her friends are men also and I do not have a problem with that ... in a funny way it has prevented us from straying...I know how hard it is to maintain contact with your old friends but this is something that happens to most ....ie most of my generation left the country and are displaced all over the world....Don't feel bad as this is just a natural progression of things... Concentrate on the good friends that you do have... that's all.

MrNuked

Women having lots of friends who are guys who secretly just want to get with them is a very common thing to see. Possibly the presence of these men are one of the reasons your husband wanted to get married. Your husband was almost certainly aware of what these people were, but had the sense and self-control not to make an issue of it. Almost all the time when boyfriends do bring this sort of thing up it reduces them in their partner's eyes in some way, or has an otherwise destructive effect on the relationship.

The fact is that men find it hard to believe that women are not aware of the "romantic" interest that they are receiving, and therefore a friendly response on the woman's part is usually percived both by the man who is interested and outside observers as her welcoming the attention.

Another fact is that attractive women receive this sort of attention from lots of men, and often really think it is normal friendliness. They either don't see, or really don't want to see, the ulterior motives for it. This somewhat naieve attitude can lead them into compromising or even dangerous situations, depending on the nature of the men involved.

Women who fit this sort of profile also typically don't have many female friends, because other women are often threatened, jealous and skeptical of their "just being friendly" attitude, which unfortuately propigates the problem, because they are more dependent on these fake people for friendship.

Personally, I consider men who approach women in serious relationships in this sneaky manner to be beneath my contempt.

seamus

MrNuked wrote:

Women having lots of friends who are guys who secretly just want to get with them is a very common thing to see. Possibly the presence of these men are one of the reasons your husband wanted to get married. Your husband was almost certainly aware of what these people were, but had the sense and self-control not to make an issue of it. Almost all the time when boyfriends do bring this sort of thing up it reduces them in their partner's eyes in some way, or has an otherwise destructive effect on the relationship.

The fact is that men find it hard to believe that women are not aware of the "romantic" interest that they are receiving, and therefore a friendly response on the woman's part is usually percived both by the man who is interested and outside observers as her welcoming the attention.

Another fact is that attractive women receive this sort of attention from lots of men, and often really think it is normal friendliness. They either don't see, or really don't want to see, the ulterior motives for it. This somewhat naieve attitude can lead them into compromising or even dangerous situations, depending on the nature of the men involved.

Women who fit this sort of profile also typically don't have many female friends, because other women are often threatened, jealous and skeptical of their "just being friendly" attitude.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Single Men who "hang around" with women, and appear to be great mates are one of three things: a) Gay, b) Very very old friends or c) Dying to get into her knickers.

When I say "old friends", I'm talking about anybody who knew you before sex became an issue, i.e. when you were 6 years old. The guy who you've known since college, and still calls for drinks cos he "hasn't seen you in aaages", is secretly in love with you.

My gf has many male friends, but I know exactly who is gay or verging on gay (there are a lot of them), and who secretely wishes that I would disappear/dump her/die. Luckily I trust her, and I'm unwittingly initimidating, so it's not an issue for me.

looking4house

hi there: well i completely understand you, I m not irish and I have three friend at home those are my FRIENDS 2 of them I know them since I m 12 or something and the other one is gay (I m saying this cause I saw it happening seamus)
Now i m here and I find it really hard to make friends I guess for the same reason,not to say I really miss them
My reply is to give you some support I can t tell you how to sort it out as I haven t been able to.
Good luck!

j.

MrNuked

Yeah unwitting intimidation seems like the only way to go in that situation.

The only solution is to completely and utterly ignore it: Even if you have a fight with your gf and they try to come between while she's vulnerable and you're not around, all they'll be is a shoulder to cry on. They'll be emasculated, and appear so, and you'll be secure, and appear so.

Analysing things at an animal level: In a primative society, only the dominant males get to breed. If another male is around the dominant male's females, they are not allowed to breed, and are submissive to the dominant male. If another dominant male is around the females, then there will be a fight.

So: If you react to a guy letching off your girlfriend (in such a way that is not discomforting her) then you are acknowledging him as a threat, and promoting him to dominant male status, thus causing him to be perceived as a potential mate. If don't acknowledge that he is trying to get off with your girlfriend, then you are treating him as a submissive, helper male, and effectively emasculating him. Not only will he not be a threat, but you'll be able to tell him what to do (and he'll do it if he accepts the role you're giving him). He will occasionally challenge you now, which is natural behaviour for a beta male, but you'll be in a very strong position when he does. You will start from the dominant position, psychologically, and on a social level it will be seen that "he started it".

koneko

Etain wrote:

It would seem very strange to me to have my BF or husband spending his after-work hours with another woman. Do you make it clear that they should bring along their wives or girlfriends? Maybe you would find something in common with the women to spark a friendship.

Ah yes, that way all the women can gather in the corner and have a knitting group, because they really shouldn't be friends with the men! :rolleyes:

Have you asked any of them, straight up, what's the story here? Seeing as you aren't really friends with them as it is (they won't hang out with you), you don't have anything to lose.

JohnnyBravo

The voice of reason

LegacyUser

koneko wrote:

Have you asked any of them, straight up, what's the story here? Seeing as you aren't really friends with them as it is (they won't hang out with you), you don't have anything to lose.

First off, thanks for all the replies.
Koneko: yes, i have asked them, they always just make polite excuses.. ie: been working alot, college,no phone etc... I think I'm less upset about not having any friends than I am about realising I've wasted years trusting and investing emotionally in people I thought i could count on. Oh well C'est la vie eh? Thanks for the responses any way.

Bottle_of_Smoke

When I say "old friends", I'm talking about anybody who knew you before sex became an issue, i.e. when you were 6 years old. The guy who you've known since college, and still calls for drinks cos he "hasn't seen you in aaages", is secretly in love with you.

In fairness thats a load of cock, I'm straight, have plenty of female friends im not in love with I made well after the age of six

MrNuked

"In fairness thats a load of cock, I'm straight, have plenty of female friends im not in love with I made well after the age of six"

I think it is possible for men and women to be just friends, but I think that it becomes very unlikely when the girl is unusually attractive.

Try going out with a *really* beautiful woman and you will see what I mean. It's normal for most men to be attracted to very very attractive women.