im no longer sexually attracted to my gf

LegacyUser

I've been seeing her for 2 years...We're close and do lot together...However, i'm no longer attracted to her physically. I constantly fantacise about other girls, even tho she is good looking. I'm bored sexually..We've done it all and it just doesn't excite me anymore. I feel awful about it. but can't help it. I know it may be best to split up, but I couldn't bare not being with her...I feel like she's more of a 'best friend' than a girlfriend. She's the only person im close to, even tho im very social.

So to sum it up: I'm not attracted to her sexually, but i love her and want to be with her. I love hugging and sleeping with her, but just nothing sexual.

And im not be an a$$hole, or selfish. just being honest.

What should i do??

MistressPandora

helpme wrote:

I've been seeing her for 2 years...We're close and do lot together...However, i'm no longer attracted to her physically. I constantly fantacise about other girls, even tho she is good looking. I'm bored sexually..We've done it all and it just doesn't excite me anymore. I feel awful about it. but can't help it. I know it may be best to split up, but I couldn't bare not being with her...I feel like she's more of a 'best friend' than a girlfriend. She's the only person im close to, even tho im very social.

So to sum it up: I'm not attracted to her sexually, but i love her and want to be with her. I love hugging and sleeping with her, but just nothing sexual.

And im not be an a$$hole, or selfish. just being honest.

What should i do??

This seems to be a bit of a trend a lot lately. I know many people with this problem. Tbh, I'm not sure what advice to give you, since you still love her and you still like hugging and sleeping with her. I would say take a break from each other, say like a month or so, but please, before you even consider that, maybe you should just talk to her. Explain your problem, and if it can't be resolved, then...I don't know, but I wish you the best.

yossarin

when you say you've done it all.

do you mean:

1: you have things you wanted to try, but she's not interested

2: you 've really done it all.including frottage (my word of the week )

LegacyUser

pandora, I couldn't say it to her! She's often said 'i know it's me...you're just not attracted to me!', and id contradict her, saying im just tired or its too hot or something...I'd hate if someone said to me they weren't attracted to the stage where they couldn't even have sex.

yos, when i said i've done it all, i meant we've done everything sexual that two people can do, well...within reason its besides the point anyway, even 'kinky' things wouldn't turn me on.


thanks for replies.

Zulu

It happenes. If your not attracted to her now - will you be in 2 years? in 5 years? in 10 years will you want to be with her?

I don't know what to tell you, my friend, but that seems to be the way long term relationships end. How old are you?

I'd be inclined to talk to her. ...and perhaps move on. I know it sounds harsh - but would you like to go out with someone who dosen't find you attractive?

Your not being selfish or an a$$hole. Everyone has been in your situation at one stage or another.

Do what you believe is the right thing to do. Best of luck.

loz_the_boz

give her 200 euros and send her off to miss fantasia - that might help a bit !

Zulu

...or you'll waste €200. If she's not attractive - she's not attractive.

Typedef

im no longer sexually attracted to my gf


So dump her.

Good luck with that now.

loz_the_boz

thats cruel

I meant to add some spice - get into pvc or something

MistressPandora

helpme wrote:

pandora, I couldn't say it to her! She's often said 'i know it's me...you're just not attracted to me!', and id contradict her, saying im just tired or its too hot or something...I'd hate if someone said to me they weren't attracted to the stage where they couldn't even have sex.

Ah. Well. There's no point in lying to her either, that makes things worse. Hmm. Have you considered my other idea, the lets-have-a-break idea? You'd be surprised, a lot of people have a lot of fire in them when they haven't seen their partner in a while.

And also

Zulu wrote:

It happenes. If your not attracted to her now - will you be in 2 years? in 5 years? in 10 years will you want to be with her?

is a good point. A damn good point.
There is an old proverb "In life, kisses and love may lose their flame, but the cooking gets better". I'd say forget the cooking and keep the flame alight.
But if you can't keep the flame alight, then you could be stuck with great cooking for the rest of your life.

yossarin

helpme wrote:

yos, when i said i've done it all, i meant we've done everything sexual that two people can do, well...within reason its besides the point anyway, even 'kinky' things wouldn't turn me on.

In that case, the situation isn't likley to change is it? Its not sexual frustration, but the lack of any desire.
I'd go with Pandora then. take a break and see. go without any activity for a while and see. get out of wherever you are.

maybe theres some external thing that is taking away all your drive. are you annoyed with her for some reason? does your area have flouride in the drinking water (just planting seeds)? has she changed, become short tempered ? maybe theres currently too much pressure on you.

If you really are bored of her, its not very fair to not tell her in the long run.

Zulu

loz_the_boz wrote:

thats cruel

I meant to add some spice - get into pvc or something

It might be cruel, but then the truth has a tendency to trample on emotions. If he's not attracted to her - all the PVC in the world won't change that.

I know how he feels. I've been there (on both sides), and nothing will change the fact. Relationships run there course. All things, no matter how good, come to an end.

Typedef

loz_the_boz wrote:

thats cruel

I meant to add some spice - get into pvc or something

It's not even slightly cruel.

He doesn't want to have sex with her anymore.
They aren't married.

It would probably be _more_ cruel to pretend, that he still found her attractive.

No kids, no houses, no wedding rings, no commitments.

LegacyUser

yeah i think ill have a break sexually...I know what you guys mean, and it's happened before unintentionally, for holidays etc. I suppose i'll have to give up porn too


heh
thanks for the replies.

bringitdown

What about tromboning - http://www.encyclopedia-of-sex.com/displayarticle226.html

Wow an all time low for me!

alienhead

yup, i've been in this boat, had to end it, just felt wrong thinking about being with other women all the time.

has she put on weight by the way?

pixie_student

having the same problem myself..

been with my bf on and off for about 3 years and absolutely not one bit sexually attracted to him. Like him as a friend and only do anything sexually when im under the influence :eek:

problem is, i really fancy girls lately and this is kind of taking over all thoughts in my head.

So what do i do next?

IrishMike

pixie_student wrote:

having the same problem myself..

been with my bf on and off for about 3 years and absolutely not one bit sexually attracted to him. Like him as a friend and only do anything sexually when im under the influence :eek:

problem is, i really fancy girls lately and this is kind of taking over all thoughts in my head.

So what do i do next?

u have only one option ....

threesome

everyone wins !!!!

nobodythere

Ah, these forums are like the problem pages in womens magazines that we're all too macho to read. You don't have to say "I'm not sexually attracted to you", you just tell her you're sexually bored cos you're done everything.

pickarooney

Let's get down to the real issue - what makes you so afraid to admit your attraction to men?

MrNuked

Got to be cruel to be kind in this case. It's going to make her feel like **** when you tell her; but she'll feel worse the longer that her relationship is essentially a sham. She's going to feel bad anyway, but she doesn't have to feel foolish too.
Or if you really want to stay with her, try to figure out why you're attracted to other people over her, and increase in her whatever it is that attracts you. (Don't tell her that's what you're doing though).
Maybe it's because it's safe and expected so some of the thrill has gone out of it, and if that's the case maybe the "break" would work. Make it clean though and don't talk to her for a week or two at all. She might be shcoked and hurt that you want a break, and not understand why. You'll get pulled into fights, or else hurt her inadvertantly if you don't give things a little time to settle.

narommy

guest1 wrote:

yeah i think ill have a break sexually...I know what you guys mean, and it's happened before unintentionally, for holidays etc. I suppose i'll have to give up porn too


heh
thanks for the replies.

Give up porn!!! It does reduce the attraction you feel towards your gf. It should be reserved for when you're in the dog house and are waiting for gf to come around to you view on the relevent matter.


and either take a break and go away for a weekend. or do both.

and longterm relationships are boring in most cases (could explain popularity of 3somes as discussed in other thread). something about love being what's left when passion dies. Hugs and cuddles indicate some feelings remain for gf. and posting here shows that he cares too

neuro-praxis

If you love her and can't bear to be without her as you say then face up to this.

As hard as it is, be honest with her and say that you've lost interest in sex.

This happens sometimes. People in long term relationships fall in and out and in and out of love again and again and the passions flares and dies accordingly.

When you've discussed it with her, consider seeing a sex therapist together for advice and guidance.

If you really just aren't attracted to her after you've explored all avenues to deal with this, then the kindest thing to her is to say goodbye. She must be very hurt as it is.

Good luck with it all.

LegacyUser

The thing is, I'd probably get bored of Pamela Anderson in a few months also...or anybody. Might sound stupid but 'not knowing' what a person looks like and acts like is kinda the turn on for me.

Typedef

I still maintain.

He isn't married to her... so in the abscence of good/enjoyable sex... or perhaps, because it's a Saturday and he's just in that sort of mood, it would be _easier_ to just dump her.

Or.... .. Perhaps 'progress' to one of those _open_ post boyfriend/girlfriend relationships... where he can roide who he likes and she waits by the phone for him to get in the mood and give her a call.

angeldelight

Break up with her.......Does she not deserve to be with someone who is attracted to her AND loves her??

dub45

Have you asked yourself what exactly you want (forget about hurt and all tht for moment) if you could wave a magic wand what would the spell give you?

It sounds to me as if you want the benefits of keeping the friendship with this girl and having a great sex life.(its just not possible with her for whatever reason)

So the two things you want most are mutually exclusive.

Now ask yourself if the gf was in the situation what would you want her to do for you?

Other points - you dont mention if your sex drive has diminished as regards response to other people?

Is this a pattern in your life - I have known people who had two year relationships regular as clockwork.........

3cups

For many years in my teens and early 20s (I'm 31 now) I thought I was gay. I got married not too long ago and I'm going off my wife big time - I don't know why but it's killing. She is beautiful so it's not as if she put on weight or suddenly became disgusting looking, she is a real looker, if a little small. But I just don't want to make love to her anymore and find myself fantasising about almost every bloody woman I see, in Tesco's, on the Luas, at work, you name it. Been this way for about 18 months or maybe more. I know I don't fancy guys now but jesus is this really starting to bug me. I jack off about 3 times a day mostly, sometimes less if not in the mood but like others I am very highly sexed. Anyway, I sympathise with the original poster.

dub45

3cups wrote:

For many years in my teens and early 20s (I'm 31 now) I thought I was gay. I got married not too long ago and I'm going off my wife big time - I don't know why but it's killing. She is beautiful so it's not as if she put on weight or suddenly became disgusting looking, she is a real looker, if a little small. But I just don't want to make love to her anymore and find myself fantasising about almost every bloody woman I see, in Tesco's, on the Luas, at work, you name it. Been this way for about 18 months or maybe more. I know I don't fancy guys now but jesus is this really starting to bug me. I jack off about 3 times a day mostly, sometimes less if not in the mood but like others I am very highly sexed. Anyway, I sympathise with the original poster.

Well if nothing else unhappiness is good for the prostate! Just out of curiosity why did you think you were gay? Presumably you were attracted to guys in some way - did you try it out and not like it? Is there anything going on in your relationship that would make you dislike your wife because reading your post it comes through to me that you dont seem to like your wife for some reason!

I dont know why I get that impression just something about your wording I guess.

MrNuked

Maybe if you didn't look at other women you would be more intereted in your wife/gf? I don't mean that to sound judgemental, it's just an idea!

Maybe you just don't love them any more. Surely if you love someone you'll want to have sex with them. I mean I love my mother and father, and I'd be in bits if they stopped wanting to have sex with me.

Etain

I jack off about 3 times a day mostly,

This could be the reason that you have no interest in sex with your wife. Maybe you should give you hand a rest for a few days and see if your attitude toward her changes. Do you ever wonder if your wife finds you sexually attractive? Just a reminder: Women are sexual beings too. I doubt that she married with the intention of living a celibate life.

LegacyUser

Etain wrote:

This could be the reason that you have no interest in sex with your wife. Maybe you should give you hand a rest for a few days and see if your attitude toward her changes. Do you ever wonder if your wife finds you sexually attractive? Just a reminder: Women are sexual beings too. I doubt that she married with the intention of living a celibate life.[/QUOTE

I'd have to agree. Work for me...

All the posts about leaving her I think are far too premature. He loves her and wants to be with her as he has made more than evident. Sex is such an issue these days that it can be stigmatised too easily.

Talk to her. Just tell her you find sex with her not an attractive idea. I think that you still find her attractive. Its just the sex thing that bores you.

Taking time out is a short-term solution. I'd probably take a pot guess that the problem can be attributed much to external factors also.

I found myself in a similar sitution with my long term gf of 5 years also. We have tried it all and alot more.
We have had been going through a long period of me being interested in it all but her not. Followed by both of us uninterested.
After much freting and moodyness we came to the conclusion that the serious emotional strane caused by a recent family break-up was to blame in tandum with the reality of being a young 20something with no real income having to stay at home to finance an education.

Things are improving now that we will find ourselfs living under our own roof in a months time. We were renting a place for about 6 months a year ago but moved back to our respective homes so that college could happen and the family break-up could be dealt with. Living together was one of the happest moments of our lifes(individually and together)....

Perhaps something like a step that you need to take or a step you took too soon is to blame. WOuld having kids help? WOuld moving to a different country be better? SOmetimes its the big events and ideals in life that can effect your pants

miniperson

Quote guest: "The thing is, I'd probably get bored of Pamela Anderson in a few months also...or anybody. Might sound stupid but 'not knowing' what a person looks like and acts like is kinda the turn on for me"


See, the thing is and as Ive read many many times on boards is that "The grass is always greener on the other side.

My version of this is "The grass "appears" greemer on the other side.

Operative word being "appears"

My advice to you would be to give yourself a break - not the relationship but yourself. Dont give yourself such a hard time about this. As one of the other boards members said above, couples DO go through periods where things like this happen. You need to "ride" it out.

If you do love her, and it seems that you do, help yourself before you can help the relationship.

You need to get the fluttery feeling back into your heart. Stressing about this wont help you.

Now, your gf seems to know whats going on - probably scared out of her mind to say something in case she rocks the boat.

Remember why you fell in love with her in the first place. Take her out to someplace that ye had a good date on. Laugh about something embarassing that happened........something that made ye feel close/have a connection.

That is if you are willing to work to save your relationship........

narommy

miniperson wrote:

Now, your gf seems to know whats going on - probably scared out of her mind to say something in case she rocks the boat.

I think this is a good point. It's probably hell for her too. She's probably waiting for that dreadful day when you tell her it's over. It must be torture.

You have to talk and sort it out. or finish it.

I need to do some talking myself

pickarooney

You're probably just complacent because you can have her any time you want (that probably sounds a bit cruder than I mean it to).
What would you feel like if someone else fell for her and she returned the feelings? Would this new challenge be enough to reignite the passion for her, or would you not really care all that much?

ThreadKiller

Ask her for a threesome with her best mate...

pretty-in-pink

Take the blame, and let her go. If you really love her you will want her to be happy.

what age are you, and how "serious" are you? living together, or still dating?have a cat?dog?kid?car?

Being attracted to other people happens, but not being at all attracted to her? its cruel. That "but I still want to give you hugs and kisses stuff" is unfair. If it was her doing it to you, and you were getting horny.but not getting anything from it? Its gut wrenching, heart breaking and all that kind of stuff. You have to let her go, cause you are going to hurt her more and more every time you hold her, and everytime you don't.

While women may try hide from the bad truth, we can pull through it. like the old saying goes....."a women needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle". Not to say we dont want ye, but we dont need you in our lives. She will survive.......but the longer you drag on this facade the longer she will take to get over it. How would you feel if she kissed another man? or fancied another man? what if due to frustration and need of comfort/reassurence she strayed to someone who fancies her more then words can say? Don't think of your needs, think of hers. Because by living a lie you are being selfish

Doodee

naughty_girl wrote:

Take the blame, and let her go. If you really love her you will want her to be happy.

what age are you, and how "serious" are you? living together, or still dating?have a cat?dog?kid?car?

Being attracted to other people happens, but not being at all attracted to her? its cruel. That "but I still want to give you hugs and kisses stuff" is unfair. If it was her doing it to you, and you were getting horny.but not getting anything from it? Its gut wrenching, heart breaking and all that kind of stuff. You have to let her go, cause you are going to hurt her more and more every time you hold her, and everytime you don't.

While women may try hide from the bad truth, we can pull through it. like the old saying goes....."a women needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle". Not to say we dont want ye, but we dont need you in our lives. She will survive.......but the longer you drag on this facade the longer she will take to get over it. How would you feel if she kissed another man? or fancied another man? what if due to frustration and need of comfort/reassurence she strayed to someone who fancies her more then words can say? Don't think of your needs, think of hers. Because by living a lie you are being selfish

Spot on.

elexes

yep break up . that or cheat on her both will give u the same instant feeling

the omfg i just ****ed up majour and i need to fix this quick .

she will survive . that is for sure but before you do eithour one of the above things u must realise that there is no going back . if u cheat on her ur a scumbag ( yes most of us including me have done it in the past but we all know we are scum for doing it and reasise that it may of been a bad thing to do ) and if u break up with her only to realise that u want her back the next day after uve spent 24 hrs without talking to her for the first time in 2 years then u are worse then hitler for putting her through the emotional feelings that u will of done .


time to rack up the negitave carma but thats what i think and is my opinion thus what u asked for . in the end u will know what to do but i would say u dont use anyones advice including my own just do what u believe is the right thing to do