attracted to 2 people

LegacyUser

I just need some advice here,

Im in a long term relationship. I really like the person I'm with, I love them to bits, thing is, recently we have been having some ups and downs. Par for the course really I know, but its led to a couple of problems.

My partner took a fancy to someone a couple of months back, we eventually sorted it, and things went back to relitivly normal. I was well hurt by the fact the wanted someone else more then me, but like I said- its sorted now.

I have gone back to classes, and I have to say I dont really feel supported by them, i feel like a money draining useless case, i have talked to them, and hope things will improve.

Now thing is, with all the bad karma, and fighting, I'm less dependant on having this relationship go through to marriage and kids. I'd like it but I dont feel the need to chase it down anymore.

Recently I made a friends with someone I'm quite attracted to. I think they are one of the sexiest people I've ever seen, and I'm slightly worried that I may want to act on it, most likely I wouldnt, but I have put the person in my fantasy bank, so to speak. I also have a feeling that they feel the same.

I have not told them I'm taken. Should I?

Now my problem arises from the fact I'm technicaly in an open relationship, so is it really illegal to act if I want to, and should I tell my partner I now have the same problem they did?

When I'm with either person, I dont want to leave, but they dont know bout eachother in more then a vague way.

oh and any thoughts on why this new person makes me feel so much sexier, cleverer, nicer etc then my partner?

jesus_thats_gre

Simple.. New and shiney things always feel better but you tend to get bored of something with no substance, i.e. it does fook all but shine!!

sceptre

guest21 wrote:

Now my problem arises from the fact I'm technicaly in an open relationship

There's one word in that sentence that I wouldn't mind you explaining. And in case I'm being too roundabout, it's not "open", "relationship" or "problem".

Shoolaboola

hah, hate to be in ur position

Penfolds

guest21 wrote:

I was well hurt by the fact the wanted someone else more then me, but like I said- its sorted now.

Even though it's "sorted" you must have felt a bit of anger with him at the time and it'd only be normal if your esteem took a bit of a dent that he was attracted to someone else and it sounds like your esteem is still a little low by the way you describe yourself as feeling "like a money draining useless case".
Also, it's made you question your boyfriend and so wonder if it will go all the way to marraige kids etc, and so maybe unconciously lower your expectations as a safety measure.

guest21 wrote:

oh and any thoughts on why this new person makes me feel so much sexier, cleverer, nicer etc then my partner?

Not telling the new friend that you have a bf is your minds way of re-building your esteem by experiencing the feeling of being desired. Having been in two long term relationships myself I think I can say that no-one can genuinely say they experience the feeling of being desired constantly from their partner in a long term relationship as everyone tends takes their partner for granted most of the time (Same as you take for granted your TV will work when you get home and that the local pub will have beer...not taking for granted in a bad way, but you get so used to these things that it becomes normal that they'll continue as always!).

So some one new flirting with you / complimenting you, is bound top make you feel attractive etc as your bf probably doesn't do it anywhere near as obviously as the new guy. But would the new guy be there for you in the same ways your boyfriend has over the years ?

guest21 wrote:

I'm technicaly in an open relationship

What makes you say you're in an open relationship ???? You've mentioned you're having ups and downs but give the impression that there nothing more than the normal ups and down and you also mention that "it's all sorted now" as regards him fancying someone else.

jesus_thats_gre

sceptre wrote:

There's one word in that sentence that I wouldn't mind you explaining. And in case I'm being too roundabout, it's not "open", "relationship" or "problem".

oh oh oh, pick me, I know, pick me!!

LegacyUser

technicaly? well it was left open to relieve pressure from us.......and we never closed it, so to speak. I still feel like I'd be cheating if I acted, and even my own conscience aside, I dont think its fair to drag the other person into it.

I told them I'm taken, and yes they do like me, my intuition was right.

With my partner I sometimes feel like I never want to let go, but other times feel like I don't care less. I get the feeling that they didnbt want me as more then a fall back until I pulled away and said its a day by day basis, I'm not serious bout it anymore really, as its too much too soon etc. I quoted them back. Yeah the wanting to run for the hills thing is partly self-defense. I like the idea of a wedding and marriage, but I don't know if I can trust in that complete devoted love again. Its such a risk, and the pain when it backfires is unbearable

So when me and my partner break up (for a few reasons this will happen within the year) it will be meaningless sex I guess. Why do people fall for you when you are not 100% interested, but when you get there, they stop caring as much? Is it a revenge tactic....to hurt you on purpose because you accidently hurt them?

narommy

guest21 wrote:

So when me and my partner break up (for a few reasons this will happen within the year) it will be meaningless sex I guess.

What?

Why would you intend tell the other girl you're taken if you intend on breaking up with your partner?? She might admire your honesty. She might'nt like being left to wait tho. Hope you didn't burn any bridges with her.

You have to make two separate decisions.
1. Do you see a future with your current partner?? If not why not?? Will another girl be different? If it's hopeless then discuss it with her and think about ending it. ( She mightn't be happy though after she came back to you and then you dump her)

2. Whether to go to the other girl?? Will she be game, the moment may have already passed. what will she be looking for in life. I'd give it a while after/if you break up with partner. Play field for a month?? Then contact the other girl and take it slow, they don't want to be a rebound girl. and not really looking for the grief of some1 out of longterm relationship. Mention that meeting her put seeds of doubt in you mind and that you broke up with partner so you could have a chance with her. But that you wouldn't cheat on any girl.

Tbh I wouldn't make decision 1 on whether or not you thought you could get it on with other girl.

LegacyUser

not basing a decisin on attraction, some doubt was there already, it just showed me what a relationship should be, and what it shouldnt.

Not saying u need to be all cuddly and sick-making all day every day, but surely your partner should make you feel desired and attractive, and not say other people are really hot/hotter then u etc more then they say you are what works for them?
Im quite confused, lots of things about them annoys me.....such as if we are just watching telly etc and I bang off them, or stand on their foot etc, they chuck a fit, and hit me hard, on purpose, but if they do it to me, and I say anything, im being unreasonable.

They wont do anything around the flat we share, so its all left to me, as well as college and P/T work. They work F/T, and anytime I ask for help all i ge is "but I work hard all day, I bring in more money, you dont do anything really, your so much better at it, you do it". If I dont do it, it never gets done (believe me I've tried leaving stuff build up so that they do it, and they won't). I've told them how I feel, but it makes no difference, except maybe to annoy them, and make them grouchy and mean with me. I'm going away for college stuff next year, not far away- still in the same province even, a hour or so of a drive,but acording to my partner, unless they see me a lot more then not see me, they dont think they can remain faithful. yet they dont want us to break up when I go, stating that if anything like that happened it would be my fault for leaving (excuse me for wanting to do well in college!!) as they stayed at home, so it was me who changed things.

anyway I'm not disclosing my gender, or that of my partner, as I dont want any advice coloured by my sexual persuasion, or my gender. should I saty and try to work it ou or should I go?

How can I love someone so selfish, so much?

TwoShedsJackson

guest21 wrote:

not basing a decisin on attraction, some doubt was there already, it just showed me what a relationship should be, and what it shouldnt.

Not saying u need to be all cuddly and sick-making all day every day, but surely your partner should make you feel desired and attractive, and not say other people are really hot/hotter then u etc more then they say you are what works for them?
Im quite confused, lots of things about them annoys me.....such as if we are just watching telly etc and I bang off them, or stand on their foot etc, they chuck a fit, and hit me hard, on purpose, but if they do it to me, and I say anything, im being unreasonable.

They wont do anything around the flat we share, so its all left to me, as well as college and P/T work. They work F/T, and anytime I ask for help all i ge is "but I work hard all day, I bring in more money, you dont do anything really, your so much better at it, you do it". If I dont do it, it never gets done (believe me I've tried leaving stuff build up so that they do it, and they won't). I've told them how I feel, but it makes no difference, except maybe to annoy them, and make them grouchy and mean with me. I'm going away for college stuff next year, not far away- still in the same province even, a hour or so of a drive,but acording to my partner, unless they see me a lot more then not see me, they dont think they can remain faithful. yet they dont want us to break up when I go, stating that if anything like that happened it would be my fault for leaving (excuse me for wanting to do well in college!!) as they stayed at home, so it was me who changed things.

anyway I'm not disclosing my gender, or that of my partner, as I dont want any advice coloured by my sexual persuasion, or my gender. should I saty and try to work it ou or should I go?

How can I love someone so selfish, so much?

No offence, but your partner sounds like an idiot. And if you're so sure you're breaking up within the year anyway, I say try it out with this new person you met. Surely it can only be an improvement.

OfflerCrocGod

guest21 wrote:

unless they see me a lot more then not see me, they dont think they can remain faithful. yet they dont want us to break up when I go, stating that if anything like that happened it would be my fault for leaving (excuse me for wanting to do well in college!!) as they stayed at home, so it was me who changed things.

I'm lost are you having them both at the same time or is English not your first language ?

Gordon

I think that this person doesn't want to reveal the sex of the other person so refers to them as they. Possibly. Although it's pretty obvious what sex you are guest21

If you are in an open relationship then it really doesn't matter what you do surely? Open relationship means havecake+eatit. So go girl, and have your cake, or eat it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your advice,its helped, still confused but not as bad.

I'd really like to kiss the other person, but would that not make them feel cheap and used? I dont want to screw them over, I'm not sure how far I'd take it. Tbh I havn't thought beyond a mere kiss. I think my partner wants to "close" our relationship again, but I don't know if I trust them.