Better than usual....

Hagar

A drunk staggers down the main street of a town and up the church steps. He manages to open the church door and falls into the silent building. On his hands and knees he weeps as he struggles to pull himself to his feet, half crawling and half walking towards the front of the church. He crashes from pew to pew softly crying, ‘Oh God help me, God help me,’ until he finally makes it into the confessional box. Having observed the man’s sorry progress the priest sits silently in the booth, waiting to hear the drunk’s tale. He waits for several minutes, hearing the drunk moan and groan, until finally there is a lengthy silence from the drunk’s side of the confessional. At last the priest speaks. ‘May I help you my son?’ he says. ‘I don’t know father,’ the drunk replies. ‘It depends on whether or not you have any paper on your side.’

The day arrived in the Vatican for the Pope’s annual physical – and the Holy See were dismayed to hear he’d been diagnosed with a rare form of testicular cancer. A genito-urinary specialist was called and, after examination, told him the only cure is to have sex. After some thought, the Pope licked his dry lips and spoke. ‘I agree,’ he says. ‘But under four conditions.’ As uproar broke out, a single voice cried out from the hubbub: ‘And what are these conditions?’ The room stilled. There was a long pause, before the Pope croaked, almost inaudibly: ‘First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see who I am.’ The cardinals nodded. ‘Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who I am. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow identifies me, she can tell no one.’ The was another pregnant pause. ‘And the fourth condition?’ a Cardinal piped up. The Pope grinned. ‘Big tits.’

Sir Cliff Richard is performing in Japan on the last leg of a successful world tour. The audience go wild as Cliff asks them if there is anything he can sing especially for them. ‘Tits and fanny!’ scream the audience. ‘I can’t sing that,’ says Cliff. ‘I’m a devout Christian.’ ‘Tits and fanny!’ scream the crowd. ‘Oh, come on,’ says Cliff. ‘Tits and fanny!’ scream the crowd. ‘Okay, okay,’ says Cliff. ‘But I don’t know how it goes.’ ‘Tits and fanny …’ sing the crowd in unison. ‘ … how we don’t talk anymore.’

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted – as was his wife. But after several weeks – when his spam javelin had grown to nearly 20 inches – Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be helped through corrective surgery. ‘How long will Ralph be on crutches?’ the wife asked anxiously. ‘Crutches? Why would he need crutches?’ responded the surprised doctor. ‘Well,’ said the wife coldly, ‘You are planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?’

While out shopping one day, a woman spots her husband cheating with another woman in a restaurant. Waiting until he returns home, the wife pretends everything is normal – cooking his dinner, ironing his shirts and waiting for him to go up to bed. As soon as he is asleep, she stalks into the bedroom, pulls off the covers and cuts off his penis with a bread knife. As the husband wakes up, screaming, the wife panics and runs downstairs, still clutching the severed member in her bloody hand. Suddenly realizing the consequences of her actions, she leaps into the family saloon and speeds off into the night. It’s not long before she skids over the roundabout and onto the nearby motorway. Accelerating up to 90 mph, she soon attracts the attention of a police car and decides she has to get rid of the evidence. Opening the sunroof, she throws the flaccid organ out – only to see it bounce of the cop car windscreen. ‘I think this woman must be a nutter,’ says the police sergeant, hot in pursuit. ‘I don’t know about that,’ says second officer, ‘But did you see the size of the cock on that fly?’

A married couple receive a bank statement saying they have a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill, so they agree to save money. That evening, while watching TV, the man gets up and tells his wife that he’s off down the pub. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go off to the pub and leave her at home when they need to economize. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised, the wife asks, ‘Why? Are we going out together?’ ‘No,’ he says. ‘I’m turning the heating off.’

A man and his wife are driving through the Welsh countryside when they came across a roadsign: ‘Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.’ After the husband attempts to say it, his wife starts laughing – and quickly, the pronunciation soon becomes an argument. So much so, in fact, that they’re still debating as they pull into a restaurant in town. As they're settling their bill, the wife can’t help questioning the cashier. ‘Excuse me, but would you mind settling an argument between my husband and me?’ she asks. ‘Could you pronounce the name of where we are? Only please do it very slowly.’ The cashier rolls her eyes, and leans forward. ‘Liiiiiiiittttlllllleeeee Chhhheeefffff,’ she says.

A middle-aged woman reads a magazine article which claims that, as women get older, their fannies grow. Concerned about this (and her husband’s reaction), she decides to carry out her own test. She places a mirror on the bathroom floor and stands over it, legs apart. While looking down, her husband happens to walk past. ‘Watch out!’ he cries and jumps at her, pushing her over. ‘What are you doing?’ the woman shouts. ‘You could have broken my arm!’ ‘Don’t be so ungrateful,’ her husband replies. ‘If you’d fallen down there, you could have broken your neck.’

After graduating from the University of Arkansas, a young journalist gets a job at a tiny provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment is to write a human-interest story, so he goes out to the country to do his research. Driving through the cornfields, he spies an old farmhand and introduces himself. ‘I was just wondering, sir’ the young hack asked. ‘Out here in the middle of nowhere – has anything ever happened that made you happy?’ The old-timer furrowed his weathered brow for a moment. ‘Yep!’ he exclaimed, suddenly. ‘One time my neighbour's daughter, a good-looking girl, got lost. So we formed a posse, and went out and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.’ The young journo blanched. ‘I can't print that!’ he cried. ‘Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?’ The farmer thought again. ‘Yeah!’ he said, finally. ‘One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. After forming a posse, we found it and all screwed it before we took it back home.’ ‘Christ!’ says the young man. ‘I can't print that either!’ He thinks for a while. ‘Okay – has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?’ The old man looked at the ground. ‘Well,’ he said sheepishly. ‘I got lost once.’

Worried about his failing eyesight, a man goes to his optician – who tells him he must stop masturbating. ‘Why?’ asks the man, worriedly, ‘Am I going blind?’ ‘No, your eyesight is fine,’ says the optician, ‘But it upsets the other patients in the waiting room.’

A burglary was recently committed at Manchester City’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. Police are looking for a man with a pale blue carpet.

After weeks of floating adrift in a tiny boat, two men are forlornly watching the sea for signs of a ship. All of a sudden a huge hand emerges from the water near the boat. It leans all the way over to the left, and then all the way over to the right. Then it happens again – moving all the way over to the left then back to the right, before slipping silently beneath the surface. The men look at each other. ‘Christ,’ says one. ‘Did you see the size of that wave?’

George’s girlfriend decided she wanted to please her man, so one day she went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night she lay on the bed and waited for George to come home. When he got in he was greeted by the sight of his woman lying on the bed with her legs spread, wearing nothing but her new underwear. ‘Hi Georgie,’ she said in a throaty voice. ‘You want some of this?’ ‘Jesus Christ, no!’ George screams. ‘Look what it’s done to your knickers!’

JCDenton

All v.good

Bravo!

*Princess*

there all good

smoke.me.a.kipper

very good!

Peter C

Agreed!!

Pugsley

All good, liked the second one especially

simu

Worried about his failing eyesight, a man goes to his optician ? who tells him he must stop masturbating. ?Why?? asks the man, worriedly, ?Am I going blind?? ?No, your eyesight is fine,? says the optician, ?But it upsets the other patients in the waiting room.?

This was the funniest for me!

Shoolaboola

Hillarious

Hello Kitty

haha very good!!