~The Closure Myth~

shiv

I hurtle up awake
To the surface
From the lovely suffocation of sleep
Take my temperature along with the usual two painkillers
My circadian rhythm out of whack
My heartbeat weak

You’ve got me writing about you again
Got me so I can’t sleep in
Winding a way into my thought processes
Like a river I remember

All the tributaries
That brought us together

Mulled wine
Identitcal vulnerability
Sharing a black cat

My pen about to run out
Is that a sign I should stop
Trying to get you out

Onto paper
Outside of me

Somewhere other
Than underneath
This new life I’ve created
For me

+

My words to you are wearing black
Long after I thought grief had gone underground

So I’ll use your full name again
Put all your home-made CDs away

What about that soul-mate book
You gave me—
It cost €3.20—
Do you want that back as well?

And maybe I did use you for money
But I think you liked it—
So does it still count?

Funny how it all comes down
To a laptop and a blanket
And all I can think is:

Is that all you’ll ever really given me?
Comfort and a way to stay in touch?
How do I ship that back exactly?

Where did all those pearls go anyhow?
Did I drop them too many times?
Didn’t I line them up in a row?

+

Why do all my relationships come down to this
Disturbing element of third-party involvement
Technology-savvy interlopers
Saving me from infuriated ex-lovers
Trying to gate-crash my life
From out of nowwhere

You would write me postcards from McDonald’s
I think you were actually proud you got mugged
It was a great story to tell people

But now you’re angrier than ever
Engaged to someone else
You can use your mother tongue on her
But it’s not enough
Even though you love her

Is it because we never had full-on sex?
(Don’t you realize I wanted you more than that?)
Because I asked you to stop calling me honey?
(Don’t you know possession is nothing new to me?)

Well my vitriol is slowly fading
Like a screen I have shut down
The part of my heart you inhabited
For so long

Seeping away into resignation
And clamped-down sadness
I am turned off

The shock blocked out
By the arrival of another day
Without you in it

+

BEAT

I can dig it

shiv

thanks beat--i'm sure we've all been there at one point or another!!