Friday funnies!

Hello Kitty

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her
a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful
bird, I'm sure you'll agree and it's an absolute steal at only ?20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,"I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new
home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.
"F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A
little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive
home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when
he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well f==k me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old
clients..... How ya doin', Dave?!!"






Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,deeply
and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic
relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears."We
can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common", she wailed. "He claims you are a
mere crab and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class
of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can
only walk sideways." Declan was shattered and scuttleds sideways away
into the darkness and began to drink himself into a filthy state of
aquatic oblivion. That night the great Lobster ball was taking place.
Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making But the
Lobster Princess refused to join in,choosing instead to sit by her
father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan
the crab strode in! The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess
gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly,
Declan the crab made his way across the floor....and all could see that
he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS!!!! One crab claw after
another! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
finally looked King Lobster in the eye.There was a deadly hush across
the room.
Finally, Declan spoke.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Jaysus, I'm locked"

Ragamuffin

lol good one

Waltons

Haha, I love the parrot one. Nice

Kazu

two good ones