Long Term Relationship over, how soon before you should start seeing someone else

sligowestlifer

Just wanting abit of advice, I am just out of a stormy four year relationship which I broke off, although I loved my bf at one stage, it was getting to the stage where I just couldn't stand being near him. I have kinda met someone else in the last few weeks and at the moment we've only kissed but how soon should you move on etc!? Any suggestions would be great!

Idbatterim

I think you should move on when your ready for it, the only one that really knows the answer to whether or not your ready is you. Some people get over things faster than others. It dosnt sound as if you will get back with your boyfriend so go for it with the new guy if thatll make you happy, dont let him pressure you into making decisions though.

The Sweeper

They do say the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else...

Though it has to be said, I think that your first fling out of a long term relationship is almost bound to just be a fling... you need time on your own for a bit!

Sleepy

Just go for it. Love isn't something that can be planned or organised. Go with your heart, not your head.

CathyMoran

i think that the amount of time that you wait is immaterial - as long as you let the other person know that you are freshly out of a relationship if it is recent, but beyond that it is no harm...just tred with caution.

Johnny Versace

The only thing I'd be worried about is transferring some of the feelings you had for the ex to the new fella. I've seen it happen with friends and it is bad - together with someone for years, break up, back into another relationship a few weeks later, engaged after a year...

So you wanna be careful something weird like that doesn't happen.

As for how long should you wait before sex etc., only you know that, although as you are single you are free to do whatever you like...

...

My advice is: if you're the kind of person who get madly in love with people you have sex with, I'd wait a bit until your ex is totally out of your life/mind (which he obviously isn't yet, hence your post on this forum.)

shiv

i wouldn't necessarily agree that you can't have relationships back-to-back, or that the second one will suffer in an averse way due to transference from the first.

that being said, i do think it's healthy for most people to have some "me" time in between blokes/chicks to sort their head out and try to make peace with the past.

both behaviours can work equally well, it all depends on the person. sometimes the new interest is so wonderful they can knock you off your feet well before you feel it's "time," but it ends up being the best thing that ever happened to you!

thus there are no hard fast rules to go by here, just your heart...

Corksham

Sleepy wrote:

Just go for it. Love isn't something that can be planned or organised. Go with your heart, not your head.

I second that

Duckjob

shiv wrote:

that being said, i do think it's healthy for most people to have some "me" time in between blokes/chicks to sort their head out and try to make peace with the past.

This is very true. Very often during a long term relationship people lose their sense of personal identity which gets replaced by an unhealthy 'couple identity'. If that has happened i think its a good idea to take some time out after the relationship finishes to get to know yourself as a person again. It also allows you to reflect and learn from the experience of the relationship, which can only make you wiser and more likely to form a better relationship next time around.

Having said that, I met my wife while in a long term relationship. I started dating her when it finished and haven't looked back, so everyones different i guess.

mrhappy42

Corksham wrote:

I second that

third that

WhiteWashMan

do the things that you want to do, that makes you happiest, and that is going to give you enjoyment in botht the long and short term.

try not to live your life based on what others think, or what you think that they think.

just try to remember that the next person you are with, is not the last person you went out with

LegacyUser

Many of us find ourselves in relationships that almost always end up the same way with very similar issues and challenges. We tend to seek out people with similar traits to those who we have not attained closure with (parents, past relationships) etc. There is no prerequisite time to wait before you get involved with a new relationship. The key is, How content are you when you are alone? How much do you think about not having a mate? It is only when you are content with yourself and simply "being " without expectations that you are "complete" in that you are not codependent upon someone else for your happiness. The question to ask yourself is "Do I need a relationship or do I WANT one? Want is healthy, need is a red flag.

You may want to ask yourself what things attracted you to this person. How like or unlike was this person with people in your past? What issues might you have that are unresolved?

Mostly, what challenges relationships are unrealistic expectations, interpretations, and unresolved personal issues which tend to show themselves in a not so obvious manner.

If you feel that you have none of the issues I have spoken about, then your relationship may have ended simply because it was time. If you stayed in the relationship for a much longer time than was healthy for you, you may want to dig deeper within yourself.

Good Luck!
Joe V BS, CEC, PA

www.lifekeycoaching.com
Joev@lifekeycoaching.com

chump

I'd be interested in knowing how you can fall in love with someone and go out with them for 4 years and a few weeks later be preparing for another relationship.

Surely you have to live a little, meet a whole bunch of people, weigh up what you want and all that - before entering another relationship.

You could just keep it casual with him for a bit.

I don't understand this serial long term relationship craic at all to be honest.
I often wonder do people who go thru a series of long term relationships, say 3 1-4 year relationships almost in a row, and then they arrive at a certain age where marriage and stuff comes up and they go with the person they are with at that time, but at the end of the day it could have been any of the people they had the long term relationships with, it just happened to happen in that order...

maybe your just lucky, or maybe you just like being in a relationship

WhiteWashMan

chump wrote:

Surely you have to live a little, meet a whole bunch of people, weigh up what you want and all that - before entering another relationship.

is that a written law, or just an opinion? because if its opinion, it sounds a little preachy to me.

chump wrote:

You could just keep it casual with him for a bit.

to what end?

chump wrote:

I don't understand this serial long term relationship craic at all to be honest.
I often wonder do people who go thru a series of long term relationships, say 3 1-4 year relationships almost in a row, and then they arrive at a certain age where marriage and stuff comes up and they go with the person they are with at that time, but at the end of the day it could have been any of the people they had the long term relationships with, it just happened to happen in that order...

usually because some people dont learn from thier mistakes...

chump wrote:

maybe your just lucky, or maybe you just like being in a relationship

don't knock luck...

as for wanting to be in a relationship, its a comfort factor, and some people need to be in a realtionship. in fact, the need it so bad, they would rather be in a n unhappy relationship, than the discomfort of being on their own.
look around you, the world is full of unhappy couples....

angeldelight

Whenever you feel happy to just be careful lol I've only been out of one 3 weeks and already done something I'd do anything to undo

OfflerCrocGod

Why are you asking?

This has nothing to do with us; do what you feel like not what we tell you!