Share your favorite "Phoenix Nights" lines here..

Basq

Have always enjoyed 'Phoenix Nights' and saw most episodes on it while it was on TV.

I think Peter Kay is an absolute genius... his live shows are hilarious and the writing in this (co-wrote with Dave Spikey [Jerry St.Clair] and Neil Fitzmaurice [Ray Von]) makes it, in my opinion, one of the funniest British comedies (though 'The Office' is also a big favourite of mine) in years!

I bought the DVD boxset of the first two series last week and realised how much of an amazing show it is!

I think it was a shame it was on air around the same time as 'The Office' as it somewhat overshadowed it!

Heard that the spin-off "Road To Nowhere" starring Max & Paddy will be on Channel 4 from November. Cannot wait!

To tie us all over, share your views of the show and / or favourite 'Phoenix Nights' lines (or dialogue) here!...

EDIT: Here's a good few to get us started!..

[Dougie Hayes has delivered a giant inflatable penis..]
Dougie Hayes: Well what do you think?
Brian Potter: It's not a bouncy castle.
Dougie Hayes: You never said a castle.
Brian Potter: I said I wanted an inflatable.
Dougie Hayes: It is an inflatable.
Brian Potter: Inflatable filth.
Jerry St Clair: We're not having that.
Brian Potter: You're damn right Jerry, we're not having that go on take it back.
Dougie Hayes: But Brian...
Brian Potter: It's a family fun day man, there's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a love length.
Young Kenny: Can't we disguise it?
Brian Potter: Yeah we can, we'll put a wooly hat on it and say it's you.
Dougie Hayes: It's not what it looks Brian.
Brian Potter: Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It's a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don't look like nothing else, it's not happening.

Basq

[At quiz night in the Phoenix Club...]
Ray Von (as Quizmaster): Can you name the Magnificent Seven?

[Cut to Max & Paddy outside..]
Max: OK, now we're talking... here we go! ... Coburn.. Yul Brynner.. McQueen..

[Cut to the Phoenix's own team inside..]
Spencer: ... Dopey.. Bashful.. Sneezy! We'll sh*t em!

Basq

Brian Potter: You should try walking a mile in my shoes, Jerry
Jerry St Clair: You 'oughta try it yerself, Brian
Brian Potter: Oooooh that was a bit below the belt
Jerry St Clair: Well if it was, you wouldn't of felt it
Brian Potter: Oh oh oh, go on, go for the hat-trick Jerry, go on.... slash me tires!

Basq

[Young Kenny's painting the disabled parking space for Brian with a vase in its hand.]

Brian Potter: What are you doing?
Young Kenny: Painting your disabled parking space.
Brian Potter: What's that in its hand?
Young Kenny: It's your vase!...It's you! Do you like it?
Brian Potter: No, I do not like it! Get it off... Get it off NOW!... I'll run over your bloody fingers!

Hanginthere

Garlic Bread??

smuckers

Max: He's one of the good guys Jerry
Paddy: Oh yea sound as a pound, is he still ****ting blood?

Nuttzz

Shabba!!!

smuckers

B Potter: I'm disabled Jerry, I can't be sliding through the window like Daisy Duke.

RainyDay

Paddy (to Max): How far away are they? [As a party of dwarfs on a stag night dismount from their mini-bus]

therecklessone

Thanks to this thread I've watched a couple of episodes of series 2 of Pheonix Nights yesterday.

Cheers for a funny as f*ck afternoon.

therecklessone

Here's a few:

Brian: Could somebody tell me why we have a bike on the wall?
Young Kenny: Its a theme pub
Brian: What theme? Hiroshima? Old sh*te?

Brian to Jerry: You're a bloody hypodermic.

Brian to Jerry: Go on Jerry, live the dream. Pretend you're dying.

Classic

smuckers

Brian: You're the problem Dogtanian

Max: You're addicted to sex
Paddy: I am, its a disease Michael Douglas had it.

Jerry: we havent seen them this excited since they printed the paedophiles address in the paper.

Fireman: it was a disregarded fag.
Brian: Some queer burned down the club Lesley.

therecklessone

How could I have forgotten...

Max's car alarm: Get back ya bastard, i'll break your legs!

smuckers

haha.

Brian: There's a party going on right here, Jerry's better he's got the all clear!

Jerry: When they circumsised you did they take away the best bit?

therecklessone

smuckers wrote:

haha.

Brian: There's a party going on right here, Jerry's better he's got the all clear!

Jerry: When they circumsised you did they take away the best bit?

Watched both those episodes this morning, pissed myself laughing. Loved "Celebrate"...

Also, the pissed-up dwarves on the stag night kicking lumps out of Paddy and Max, quality.

smuckers

haha, I watched all of Season 1 a few days ago on DVD.

Dwarf: who you calling Tattoo? you big string of piss

Brian: who is that the fonz? ( commenting on Paddy's large hair)

This isn't a line but I love in The Talent Trek ep when Michelle Coffee is singing and Right said Frank is improvising with sounds.

weemcd

garry glitter at talent trek (not a line but classic)

most of the great lines have already been said my favourite is the tattoo one ^

grumpytrousers

Brian: Whoa whoa whoa - you hit him, you hit me, son...

REST: And me....

<continues>

Student: I'm not leaving - not until I get a refund

Brian: Best make him a bed up kenny

Student: I WANT A REFUND

Brian: yeah, Well I want to moonwalk, but life's a ****house...

loyatemu

Paddy telling Max about the prostitutes in Amsterdam:

Paddy - "She made me wash me old man in the sink"
Max - "you brought your dad?!"

then the midgets arrive

Max (squinting into the distance) - "How far away are they?"

therecklessone

Watched the 5th episode from Series 2 (the one where Max and Paddy are supposed to do some freelance security work killing a club punter's husband for her) today, still laughing at some of these...

Paddy: What's the crack here anyhow?
Max: She's in there with him now, they're gonna have a meal. She's gonna get him pissed then drive out into t'sticks for a shag. That's when we take over.
Paddy: I'm not shagging him, not for a grand.
Max: Not shag him, shoot him ya prick.

Brian: It just came to me...in a flash, like St. Paul on the road to Domestos

Brian: They better shape up or sh*t out

Max: That's my grandads (pointing at gun), he killed a German with it
Paddy: What, during t'war?
Max: No, in Benidorm. They had a fight over a sunlounger.

Brian: I'm trapped on the stairs, kick the door down.
Jerry: What, with my back?
Brian: No, with your leg ya tool.

Davey Devil

Solid Gold.

Kenny Senior is dressed up as Britney Spears after the show they had to put on for Mark Brennen from Brewery.


Alan: So we managed to fool the brewary then.

Potter: Did we balls. They knew what we were up to straight away, but they loved us. Mark Brennen wanted Britney's number.

Kenny Senior: Why, did he want to book me?

Potter: Well, it sounded like book, close yer legs ye little stut.

grumpytrousers

"That wasn't in the basket"....

The Real B-man

Brian potter to the two chinese workers: i will have a black milkshake & a pound of piss

The Real B-man

classic :rolleyes:

Davey Devil

Potter: There they are Ant and Dec, can't understand a word of the Queens, but they can knock the shìt out of an egg fried rice.

smuckers

Paddy: she could breast feed a creche

LFCFan

When Brian was stuck on the Stair lift after the electricity went out:

'What would Thora Hird do!'

The one legged man singing Blue Suade Shoe! Classic!!!!