Should I tell him?

LegacyUser

Hello, I need advice badly. About ten years ago, I fell completely in love with a man. I never told him how I felt because we were good friends and I didnt think he'd ever feel the same way, besides that, it always seemed that when one of us was single, the other would be in a relationship. Anyway the years went by and I kind of gave up on us ever being more than friends. I married a good man that I get on well with, but I never stopped loving my friend. Now I find out from a mutual friend after all these years, that he's felt the same way along, but felt I wouldnt be interested in him!!!! Now I cant think straight. I have no plans on leaving my husband or cheating on him, but I feel like I need to tell my "friend" how I feel. I know that no good can come of this,and my husband would be crushed if he knew my true feelings, but I feel like if I dont get some closure , I'm going to go insane. I've even considered leaving my friend an annonymous letter that just says i love you. Have any of you ever been in a situation like this? I know theres really noway i can act on the relationship, but theres got to be way to move on after ten years? please help!

CathyMoran

My mother was in a situation like this - she never told him - she is happily married 43 years and while I know she thinks about him she has no regrets being with my father (they were made for each other)...

dub45

I think that you have to ask yourself what you want from this situation.

You obviously want or need to tell this man you love him but what then?

(I also wonder why your mutual friend decided to tell you this now - it also seems to me that the last thing telling him your feelings will bring is closure in fact I think it would be quite the opposite! and that is why I think you really need to figure out what you want from this situation.)

mrhappy42

your mutual friend has told you his feelings. You could mention it to the mutual friend along the lines of 'been thinking about what you said...'

however being flatered or feeling the rush of a new relationship is not a basis for a relationship. Your married you seem happy...let it go.

You will meet lots of people over your life who will flatter you and make you feel in a way that gives you a buzz...take the buzz and store it as a nice memory.

'regrets I've had a few but then to few to mention' !!!!!

MrNuked

God that's a killer!
I've no idea what you should do. 10 years!
I don't feel qualified to give advice on this. Getting on well with someone isn't enough I think. Is there any possibilty that your husband might have feelings for someone else too? Or is the path I'm exploring here a bit ridiculous?

mrhappy42

MrNuked wrote:

God that's a killer!
I've no idea what you should do. 10 years!
I don't feel qualified to give advice on this. Getting on well with someone isn't enough I think. Is there any possibilty that your husband might have feelings for someone else too? Or is the path I'm exploring here a bit ridiculous?

Do you really think that jumping into another relationship is going to be any better/different...she was happy for 10 years, let it be. Just 'cos she is a bit flattered/excited is no need to fek 10 years of good times out the window...it will pass.

Its good to raise the issue and talk about it and share it to let others know she is still attractive etc. etc. but lets be realistic this is not even an option its just a fancy.

Victor

help wrote:

I've even considered leaving my friend an annonymous letter that just says i love you.

Don't. It can only lead to trouble.

When I was 16, I really liked (can't say I loved) this girl. We stayed in contact for a few years and then drifted. I never really had the courage to say I liked her. I asked her to our debs and then chickened out.

A few months ago I was in a bit of a mood and thought about all the girls I've ever liked and it cruxhed me that I never siad anything in so many cases. I felt really bad that I never said anything. So I googled her (she was the first response). We exchanged e-mail. Initially she didn't even recognise my name, but when I jogged her memory, she did remember. We exchanged pleasentries and promised lunch, but then again thats what we promised when we last saw each other in 1994.

seamus

dub45 wrote:

I think that you have to ask yourself what you want from this situation.

You obviously want or need to tell this man you love him but what then?

I think that's the best advice. Seriously consider what you hope to gain by doing this.
Do you just want to get it off your chest? Well, that may work, you two may become good friends again, and nothing will come of it. Or you may find him ringing more and more frequently. Friendly lunch becomes friendly drinks. Friendly drinks become nightly drinks, and before long it could all be messed up again.

You say you're happily married, no intention of cheating. Then why bother? Do you think if he finds out that you love him, that he'll just say "Ah well, that's nice, glad I found that out now."? You say you need closure - of what? You loved him, thought he didn't love you, he loved you, thought you didn't love him, now you know the truth, what else is there to find out? What is there to close?

If you do decide to go ahead and contact him in any form, I beleive that your husband has a right to know the full story before you do.

elivsvonchiaing

There's a girl I used to work with that I really liked, but I thought she had no interest in me. Never made a direct approach - felt a bit like a dirty old man - she was 4 years my junior I was 23 - what an idiot I feel now. When I was 28 I met her again - I had left the workplace she was leaving to get married. And I talked to her at her leaving do - I had so many signals from her - some maybe drink related - and maybe from the heart. I just didn't respond as I felt I just couldn't - and thought it was just the booze talking.

I have vowed if we ever meet again (she's left Dublin) . I won't entertain this unless she's divorced, separated or a widow or something.

I think feelings can very often get mixed-up in your head - absence etc, - and the idea of someone not the true person but your idea of them, not really knowing them can mess you up into thinking you love them. The reality I suspect is that if you entertain these feelings you could end up in 2-3 months with two broken relationships.

LegacyUser

mrhappy42 wrote:

Do you really think that jumping into another relationship is going to be any better/different...she was happy for 10 years, let it be. Just 'cos she is a bit flattered/excited is no need to fek 10 years of good times out the window...it will pass.

Its good to raise the issue and talk about it and share it to let others know she is still attractive etc. etc. but lets be realistic this is not even an option its just a fancy.

Im appreciating the advice, but i think there may be a bit of confusion. I have not been married for 10 years, only a couple. And i havent been casual aquaintances with the one I love, we've been close friends since we were teenagers, he knows more about me than my husband does( I've known him much longer) . Dont know if that helps clear things up , or changes any advice. Thanks again , i think you're all right about not doing anything. It has helped a bit just venting here.

seamus

help wrote:

I have not been married for 10 years, only a couple.
....................
me than my husband does

Uh, what?

mrhappy42

its not strange sometimes to have secrets fro0m your husband when you first meet...as long as over time you tell all (well nearly all :-). I think its irrelevent how long you know your husband...thats not the point. Its the fact that he is your husband and you seem to have no issues what that fact. Maybe you should just open up to him more.

Stop looking for the buzz, trill of engaging in a bit of excitement...its to short lived. Go explore someting new with your hubby.

Sleepy

I think you'll find we all have cases of "the one that got away" if we look back on our own histories. The thing to remember is that all those people we've never been with in that sense are far more exciting to us than our current partners because the whole area of a relationship with them is a fantasy. For us men, it's the fantasy of a woman that only has fantastic lingerie, always looks beautiful. It's nothing more than a fantasy because that's exactly how you'll see that person for the first few dates. These fantasy figures (be they old friends or the person in accounts that looks cute at the office party) are exactly that: fantasies. They have all the crap in their lives that you and your partner do, you just haven't seen it (or the full extent of it yet).

Rent out High Fidelity or read the book, it certainly changed some of my opinions on relationships, and it's bloody hilarious to boot!

koneko

What purpose will telling your friend serve? So he knows? Then what? He'll want to pursue it. It'll put you in a sticky situation, one where you might not be able to resist just going for it, sure who will find out!

Think long and hard about what you want, and why you want to tell him. Nothing will happen between you and your friend, you said yourself you don't want to cheat on/leave your husband. Telling him will only fuel his/your feelings and bring the situation back to the forefront, make everything fresh and new. Opening old wounds so to speak.

Get over him, try to get past this and go on with your life. If you weren't happy with your husband it would be an altogether different situation but you don't want to cheat on him, so I don't see why you should tell your friend how you feel.

I just realised I basically wrote the same thing as Seamus, damn youuuu!

Beruthiel

far away hills are always greener....

sceptre

help wrote:

Hello, I need advice badly. About ten years ago, I fell completely in love with a man. I never told him how I felt because we were good friends and I didnt think he'd ever feel the same way, besides that, it always seemed that when one of us was single, the other would be in a relationship. Anyway the years went by and I kind of gave up on us ever being more than friends.

/presses PAUSE button

If this was all you had to say, I'd say tell him straight out. I met my rather-happy-in-a-relationship(-with-me)-girlfriend in 1990. We started going out in 1999. There's a more long-winded version of that involving my kind of asking her out in 1991 (or rather getting someone to enquire and getting a no, apparently if I'd actually asked she'd have said yes), her going out with someone else instead, the occasional every-three-years-snog-session, each of us always going out with someone else when the other person found themselves single, the year in 1994 we spent working part-time in the same burger joint, being in lax contact for a few years with the odd few letters (slack on my part, all my friends have unfortunately become used to it), her sending me an anonymous valentines card apparently (1993 I reckon), most of my girlfriends apparently looking like her (can't see it myself), meeting up at Christmas in 1998, both of us dumping our respective other halves and getting together the day before Valentines day of 99 (coincidence, trust me, I regard it as a "fecking Hallmark Holiday") but I'm saving that for a wistfully amusing speech at a possible future wedding. Hard to pick an anniversary date, there's the trouble.

(y'see, I can empathise to some extent, which is why the reply is longish)

But...

I married a good man that I get on well with, but I never stopped loving my friend. Now I find out from a mutual friend after all these years, that he's felt the same way along, but felt I wouldnt be interested in him!!!! Now I cant think straight. I have no plans on leaving my husband or cheating on him, but I feel like I need to tell my "friend" how I feel. I know that no good can come of this,and my husband would be crushed if he knew my true feelings, but I feel like if I dont get some closure , I'm going to go insane.

Well, at least you know why you feel like doing this. Closure tends to be a good thing in general (apparently real psychologists say this too). The amateur psychologist with no qualifications and little knowledge here reckons that what's just as important is the type of closure you get.

So, er, with that in mind, you've got to consider why you're doing this (which at worst you seem to at least have an idea of, at best you know) and what you hope to get out of this. Happy with your husband? (different question to "going to leave your husband?) Let's say you just told him - what would happen if he said he loved you too and wanted to elope or whatever kids do these days? If you are happy with your current existence and you just want it off your chest in some way without screwing up your current (presumably) otherwise-hapy life then you should really run with something along the lines of...

I've even considered leaving my friend an annonymous letter that just says i love you.

The trouble with this is that you're sending him something that he's going to wonder about/mope about/whatever blokes do. If you are going to send an anonymous note, make it actually anonymous. Dropping little "clues" into it so he can figure out who sent it isn't part of what constitutes an anonymous note.

Personally, if I was (relatively) happy in my current relationship but was occasionally thinking about someone else, I'd say nothing. No talk, no notes, perhaps an "I really fancied you when we were teenagers" over a cuppa before switching the topic to how awful some chart-topper was but nothing more than that. As sleepy said, we've all got one that got away. Actually, that's not quite true as I've been going out with the one who got away for five years at this point and I'm rather glad she didn't get away. There's a pig rolling around in the muck somewhere complaining that I'm happier in my relationship than he is in the muck. I'm also perfectly aware that if we'd gone out with each other in 1991 like I wanted, or if I'd turned up on time to have a Christmas drink in 1996 or if the train hadn't been delayed by two hours the next year (same scenario) we probably wouldn't be going out at this stage. I don't believe it any of that "destiny" rubbish (given that it is in fact rubbish) but circumstances can be as important to the success (or the initial happening) of a relationship as all the effort you put in. The key question for me would be "so what do you want now?" (and "when you married your current husband, were you 'settling' for second-choice?"). Not something we necessarily need to know the answer to, but you do.

My two cents: He's gone (despite his continued interest), let it go. One vote for don't tell him at all. If the only way you can let it go is by telling him in some anonymous way, do that, but I rather doubt that'll be enough for you when you've done it. Worse still if you're still close and you're the designated person to call to when he gets a handwritten note on scented notepaper from some unknown bird at the bottom of a box of Milk Tray.

Seriously, what would you ideally (in one of those reaching for the stars kind of ways) like to come out of telling him?

Walls

You know your husband makes you happy, your friend might make you happy.

You know your husband will stick by you, you frankly have no idea regarding the depth of the feelings your friend has for you.

Not once in all the time he has known you has your felt strong enough to speak. He watched you walk up the aisle and said absolutely nothing. How much has he put himself out for you? Even been there for you?

Yet, at the idea of his liking you, you get all in a tissy and wonder at the possibilities. Why did you get married if it is of such light importance to you? Why did you say what you must have said, if this is what it comes down to?

I would talk about it, but to the one person not mentioned; tell your husband. As a joke, as a confession, as a laugh or as a condemnation, but tell him. Treat your marriage and yourself with some dignity and own up.

Typedef

Walls wrote:

You know your husband makes you happy, your friend might make you happy.

You know your husband will stick by you, you frankly have no idea regarding the depth of the feelings your friend has for you.<snip>

Therefore, with women being the pragmatic entities they are, you should throw caution to the Wind and have an affair, with this old friend of yours al-la "The English Patient". It might all end horribly, ie (with your husband dead, your lover burned and yourself starving to death in a cave)[1], but, you know, I'm told Ralph Finnes is quite a dish as far as the ladies are concerned.

Your mileage may vary...

[1]Read the book

mrhappy42

This must be the first time all replies agree with each other in the 'personal issues' board.

- own up to husband
- hint at it to friend if you must
- take you marriage serious

'when all have agreed none have taught enough' - my mum.

Typedef

help wrote:

I'm going to go insane. I've even considered leaving my friend an annonymous letter that just says i love you. Have any of you ever been in a situation like this? I know theres really noway i can act on the relationship, but theres got to be way to move on after ten years?

Ha, ha. You think so?

Generally, you get two types of people.

Those who don't move on from relationships that never were and always carry some sort of baggage around with them because of it... and those who lie/delude themselves about it.

Personally, unless you do have a mind to have an affair, I'd probably try to avoid this 'friend' of yours, because you know, it's highly likely to end up in some sort of lurid he-said she-said nonsense, with the two of you being all bitter with anymosity because of something you do or say, based on your recent revelations. Else, you are quite likely to decided to test the waters ... as it were.

In either case, either you stop having contact with him, or you effectively admit defeat and (flirt) with the idea of affair... or worse (some might say better) yet, actualy commit adultry.

Might I be so bold as to suggest that... deciding you 'love' another man... irrespective of whether or not you are courageous enough to _do_ something about it, effecitvely means _you have no marriage_. I mean seriously, you can't love someone else when you're married to another person and if you do.. all you're doing is pretending to be married... and ... you know what's the point? You should probably actually _not_ be married, irrespective of mysterious_old_never_was(x).

Probably, that's a little too much of an honest opinion...

I think the reality is, the passion of the initial relationship with your husband has worn off... I think you always subliminally knew (whether you conciously admitted or not), that you had a crush on the other man... you chose your husband... but, it relieves some sort of meloncholy to be 'in love' with someone else.. perhaps it relieves some sort of boredom... perhaps I'm just wrong.

In any case, I think marriage and you don't mix... I think that a married man looking at a bimbette's butt is not the same as a woman claiming to love another man..(and yes.. that's sexist, but, true since men and women are different), I think you should probably leave your husband... However, knowing some people in just about the same situation, fact is... all you're doing now is relieving your boredom... and giving yourself a big pat on the back... for martyrising yourself for your children.
Fact is, you crave the security of marriage... and perhaps you miss having 'permission' to screw around...

Either way... people can 'choose' who they love.. they absolutely can. You can simply never see this 'friend' again... all the time you've been seeing him, you've know at the back of your mind, what was happening.... and you 'choose' to do that... and to think yourself in the obsessive nightmare people call 'love'. Yes you did, do that... so, quite simply, you can not see this other guy... and, if I were you... go to see a councillor, you can properly negotiate the various neuroses that underpin your desire to stray.
I say that because marriage martyrs (usually for their children), are much too used to the unhealthy marriage situation, to ever be courageous and honest and admit when it's over.

blah

Typedef

mrhappy42 wrote:

This must be the first time all replies agree with each other in the 'personal issues' board.

- own up to husband
- hint at it to friend if you must
- take you marriage serious
.

What are you talking about?

I'm advising she leaves her husband, sees a councillor and ... either does or doesn't see man(x)... that part isn't important.

You have no _marriage_ if you love someone else.

That's an oxymoron. It's not 1781, you don't have to do the _right_ thing and be a martyr for the rest of your life.

*bump*

Gordon

Actually the original poster may not have a marriage full stop .

Are you married, help, or are you living with your common law husband question mark ?

mrhappy42

Could open this up further by asking the question 'can a woman love more than one man?'...and how would that impact the married man's standing in our society.

hahaha...

mrhappy42

Typedef wrote:

What are you talking about?

You have no _marriage_ if you love someone else.

That's an oxymoron. It's not 1781, you don't have to do the _right_ thing and be a martyr for the rest of your life.

*bump*

Disagree, depends on: age, sex, society etc. Lots of examples in history of this working just fine. Polyandry is less common in history but the bible is full of polygamy. Lots of religions still allow this as well.

Mitterrand himself said speaking of his mistress, "I have a natural daughter." "Et alors?"

Love is not exclusive for one item or person it hence its possible to have marriage and love others...the problem is where this is done in secret.

(hard keeping a straight face writing this)

Walls

I think that a married man looking at a bimbette's butt is not the same as a woman claiming to love another man..(and yes.. that's sexist, but, true since men and women are different),

Whether or not that's true, there is within marriage the same standard to be maintained, i.e. not being stupid muppet with regard to the honesty thing. I would argue with you about the general tenure of your statement and the rights of women, but this is PI and you are Typedef, and I know my limits.

(Random thougth; If men are indeed so obsessed with sex, why on earth aren't they better at it?)

Typedef

Have I mentioned I like my stake medium?

jesus_thats_gre

If you told him, he would try bopping you. He cannot help this, he is a bloke. You wouldnt be able to resist his advances and would enjoy the bopping. This is the only possible outcome.

So if you wanna bop him, tell him. If you dont wanna be bopped, dont tell him.

Victor

Typedef wrote:

Have I mentioned I like my stake medium?

Will we drive it through your heart.