Unrequited love

LegacyUser

Well this is always a hard pill to swallow. Unrequited love.

It all started about 4 or 5 months ago when a new girl started work in the same office as me. From day 1 I was instantly attracted to her. I found out soon enough that she had a boyfriend and I thought, oh well what you gonna do! I thought nothing more of it and left it at that.

We did get on very well though and became good friends. She isnt from ireland and didnt have many friends here so I thought i'd be nice and invite her out to things etc. All innocent enough to begin with and that was fine. I even got on well with her boyfriend, which was the funny thing.

Anyway a few months ago she broke up with her boyfriend and we began to spend a lot more time outside work together. We went to the cinema, had drinks, had meals, came around to mine and watched dvds etc. As time passed over about a month or so I could feel myself falling in love with her more and more. I didn't know how she felt and I didn't want to push her into anything as she had just broken up with her boyfriend.

I just couldn't get her out of my head. Every morning when she smiled at me, all my worries and monday morning blues instantly flew away. I got that sick feeling in my stomach and my heart was always pounding like a jack-hammer.
We both became flirty with texts and emails at work. It was leading me to believe that she started to feel the same way. Im in my mid 20s and I have never felt like this about anyone ever. Ive fancied girls etc, but this was different. I was in love for the first time. Im a stupid romantic at heart really and I was listening to the beatles song 'when im 64', and i thought to myself if that was me and her in 40 years time, I would be the happiest man in the world. I would trade everything I had if that would be true.

I just couldnt hold it in anymore and at the weekend I told her how i felt. I knew I could tell her as we both felt comfortable in each others company and I could talk to her about this. It was an office party type of thing and we both had a few drinks, i wasnt drunk though and i just told her out straight. It was like i was floating above myself looking down at me speaking to her, and of course what you plan to say never comes out right. Its fumbled and akward.

She said that she had a fair idea that I felt this way about her, but she didnt really feel that way about me and that she was still not ready for something like that after her split. It was like a knife was thrusted through my chest and someone pulled out my heart and stamped on it on the floor in front of me. To make things worse she said that she has met someone that night at the party and thinks that she likes him. I just couldnt take it. I had to leave.

I spoke to her the next day and we met. She apologised for what she had said about the other guy as she could see that it was still tearing me up. I really love this girl and i cant muster the energy to hate her as I just cant. We agreed to stay friends and try and move on, but its hard.

I spent the next few days in a daze. I couldnt eat, sleep, my hands were shaking. This was all new to me. If this is how it feels, is it all worth it???

Every time i thought of her I got that feeling in my throat welling up as if i was about to explode. I couldnt speak.

Anyway I saw her today in work for the first time since that and we got on ok. I was doing fine until i was her with the other guy at the coffee room, flirting and laughing. It was just like the other night repeating itself all over again. And to make things worse she sits right across the way from me.

I dont know what to do. Im stuck. Fallen off and I cant get back up. I want her so much. She is the one and I know it. I could spend the rest of my life with her.

I just dont know what to do. I know thats been a long one to read but any words of advice would be appreciated.

Beruthiel

And_I_Love_Her wrote:

I dont know what to do. Im stuck. Fallen off and I cant get back up. I want her so much. She is the one and I know it. I could spend the rest of my life with her

it's a bitch I know, but I don't think there is anything you can do
you've told her how you feel, she explained to you that she wasn't interested.
You can't force her to love you and pushing it will probably just make things worse.
To save yourself further pain I'd say you will have to avoid seeing her for some time. That will be really tough I know, but the longer you drag this out the longer you will be in pain. You need to take care of you at this point.
best of luck
a

Sleepy

IMHO, there's no such thing as "the one". There's many "ones" out there and you'll meet one of them again. I've been lucky(?) enough to have met two people in my life that I've felt that way about (and stupid enough to lose them both again).

Time heals all wounds, it's not an easy pill to swallow, but it's the truth.

(oh, and I'd quit listenin' to the Lionel Richie, not good for your current mood/position!

Going Demented

Sleepy wrote:

IMHO, there's no such thing as "the one". There's many "ones" out there

That reminds me of the friends episode where Ross says what if there was only one woman for him?

Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

To the original poster - chin up.

AngryBadger

And_I_Love_Her wrote:

We both became flirty with texts and emails at work. It was leading me to believe that she started to feel the same way.

She said that she had a fair idea that I felt this way about her, but she didnt really feel that way about me and that she was still not ready for something like that after her split.

To make things worse she said that she has met someone that night at the party and thinks that she likes him. I just couldnt take it. I had to leave.

Damnable women, why oh why must you tug at the heart-strings of us blokes. Gut reaction is she turned to you because you were such a fantastic mate to her, and women automatically flirt with their best mate because, especially after a break-up, they need re-assurance about being attractive and all that crap, and the best mate is a safe area, kind of neutral territory, which is damned unfair. Best mates havefeelings too, and oftimes this is overlooked.

Plus, if she got the impression you liked her she shouldn have discontinued any kind of flirting, otherwise of course she was giving you the idea that she was interested.

If it was me I'd throw on my runners, and hit the road as hard as I could until my lungs threatened to burn through my ribs in an attempt to cool down. Then I'd feel better, always do after a jog, and I'd decide to play it totally cool with her. Be mates and all that, but no hang-dog stuff. If she wants to be that way with you, but so unappreciative that she'll use you to boost herself, and then really put the boot in when you're down by telling you she's into someone else, then let her fly.

Picking yourself up after something like this is dam hard, but it can be done.

Women...I tell ya, they're like my kryptonite.

LegacyUser

thanks guys. its getting easier now.

the joey quote put a lot of things in perspective for me. I think i'll grab a spoon

valentino

Dude,

You gotta learn a few lessons out of this..

She used you as a crutch after her relationship fizzled out
she was interested in you for maybe the first couple of days

You meet her you say

"Wow she's gorgeous, i bet we could be really good together, i'm going
to try and be her friend and hope that she will sleep with me and one day she may become my wife"

She meets you and says

"Hey.. this guy seems kinda cute, i'm curious to find out more about him"

The problem is you spent WAY too much time with her man, you let her know
everything about you FAR too early..

All sense of mystery VANISHED, mystery is the key thing that attracts women
Its like the coal that keeps the steam engine of love burning..

A mysterious man is INTRUIGING to a woman, and keeps her interest level high.

The second you told her all your feelings her interest level plummeted as you ceased to be a CHALLENGE to her. Its like being in a poker game and laying down your cards mid game!

Ever notice that if you are out and you dont give a s.hit girls seem to be more attracted to you, ever wonder why the cutest girl in the room is attracted to the guy most people think is a bit of a gangster..

Everyone thinks "how is he with her, there's no way that guy would treat her HALF as well as i would"

I think we've all had that , and there seems no logical explanation for it but i bet you everything i own that that bloke acted in an challenging manner and did not attach himself to the outcome..

savemejebus

Man i feel bad for you, I've been in this situation before and feel i have to say that you must get away from this girl, avoid initiating any contact at all costss. This does two things, it eases your pain and also it stops her seeing you as the old reliable doormat, or "friend who's a boy" that she can "talk" and "relate" to. If it makes it easier, think of it like this: you never know she might realise that she's losing out, but if that becomes the case let her contact you.

I know it's tough, even if you weren't sitting opposite her at work, it happened me with a housemate, and by christ it ripped my heart out. Basically you just have to become cold to her. I'm not saying be a total prick now, i'm saying just be civil, only speak to her when spoken to and keep it to a minimum, don't joke with her, don't ask her how was her weekend,don't let her drag you into a situation where shes saying "oh you're like a brother to me" or crap like that. Cut any intimate connection to her, no more dvds, meals, go somewhere away from her for lunch, no laughing at "in jokes" that only the two of you could know about. Just ignore her, and don't feel bad about doing it. If she asks you why you're acting different ignore the temptation to tell her it's cos she trampled over your feelings and just say you're busy and walk away.

Most of all realise that she doesn't give a crap about you, and this is the truth. How can i know that you might say? (and i'm sure i'll be challenged for saying it) abut the reality is that you treated her like a princess, were a great friend to her and then when you pour your heart out what does she do?

Does she do the right thing and be honest and give you the respect you deserve by saying. "look you're a good friend but i just don't see you like that"and leave it at that, oh no no she decides to let you imagine that it's not just that but timing also "she didnt really feel that way about me and that she was still not ready for something like that after her split." Therefore giving the impression that well maybe if she was over her split it woulda worked.

Course then she adds insult to injury by saying "that she has met someone that night at the party and thinks that she likes him". wow what happened to not being ready?

Now that was the act of a grade A bitch. She wasn't happy to crush you she wanted to grind you into the dirt as well.

Now i can't speak for anyone else but if i was really good friends with a girl and she came up and said she was nuts about me and i couldn't reciprocate. I'd be honest with her, i'd see how she took it and i'd make sure she was ok (that's what friends do y'know) i sure as hell would not go and start saying that i fancied someone else, and that i think i liked them, especially if i'd used the "not ready" excuse to brush her off.

Crap this turned into a rant, sorry if it causes offence, but it's my two cents and i think that And_I_love_her should steer clear of this callous cow

Esel

Read somewhere that symptoms (brain chemistry-wise) of 'falling in love' mimic those of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am inclined to agree.

Sir Oxman

esel wrote:

Read somewhere that symptoms (brain chemistry-wise) of 'falling in love' mimic those of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am inclined to agree.

It sounds about right...

Whoever said unrequited love is the purest form of love in the world must be a sadist. Really.

impr0v

After you get your head around this by doing whatever you do, e.g. going and getting your spoon dirty in that ice cream or sweating out the frustration, whatever, things will start getting back to normal. That's when phase 2 begins. She will notice that you are getting back into neutral territory and don't feel as strongly about her. She'll loosen up a little, and there might be some more flirting, or you might start to get some sort of signals. Maybe that's just the way she acts normally, or maybe she liked the fact that you were cracked into her, but you will inevitably start to think that maybe she has come 'round. DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Then you'll be free.

ando

Telling you she was into someone else is so unfair and selfish of her. If she started to flirt with you again after a few weeks, I'd recommend you run away as thats probably just her being herself.. a bitch. It sounds like she's one of these women that flirt for the fun of it without thinking about what kind of affect it has on the men

weemcd

i was in a similar situation myself there, i thought i was in love etc and got rejected. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, when i got rejected it was crushing but as time goes on, you will heal and possibly have some kind of friendship with this woman. so hang in there, because things are gonna get better.

LegacyUser

I have to say, the people on boards are really a very wise bunch of people. What you all said really helped me through that time. I thought I'd search for this thread again just to have a read over it again.

I am writing this in the knowledge that I now feel free.

Improv was right, there was a phase 2. I got over her. It took a few weeks before I could speak to her again. She respected that and I was civil with her. We did become friends again and we got on ok in each others company. We did do what we used to before and did it in group situations as well. I was over her. I didn't take the bait.

It was around december that i started to feel the same things about her again. This was just an amazing person that I connected with on so many different levels. I couldn't help myself. She seemed different. We had gotten to know each other a lot better. I was over her in my mind, but this person just kept on getting better and better. It was like a drug, I kept on needing more and more.

I knew in the back of my mind that she didn't like me in that way though, as I had previously found out. But recently something changed, I started getting some signals that perhaps she had started to think of me in the way that I had hoped. I was confused. My heart said one thing, my head said the other. I was being pulled in two different directions by myself. I was free, but I got hooked again and it was my own stupid fault.

We've become friends that can talk about these things openly and honestly and I cherish her friendship. I told her what I was thinking and why I was confused recently.
She hadn't changed how she felt and I have accepted that. I dont feel hurt like I did the last time. Why? It was the same result, but now I feel different. I think the I've come to the point of accepting it for what it is.

Of course I want to remain friends with her, as someone like this doesn't come into your life every day. She is such a great person. I know that I can never be involved with her romantically and im fine with that now. I guess I had to be told twice, after all I am a man.

I'm moving on and I feel that this whole episode in my life has taught me some great lessons. I've been in love for the first time, thats something i'll never forget. Even though the feeling wasn't mutual, I know how it feels to be in love. I also know how it feels to be hurt.

I've done a lot of growing-up in my own mind and I've learned from my own mistakes. I guess the next step is finding someone who I love, and who loves me.

MojoMaker

*at all costs*

Selik

And_I_Love_Her wrote:

I have to say, the people on boards are really a very wise bunch of people. What you all said really helped me through that time. I thought I'd search for this thread again just to have a read over it again.

I am writing this in the knowledge that I now feel free.

Improv was right, there was a phase 2. I got over her. It took a few weeks before I could speak to her again. She respected that and I was civil with her. We did become friends again and we got on ok in each others company. We did do what we used to before and did it in group situations as well. I was over her. I didn't take the bait.

It was around december that i started to feel the same things about her again. This was just an amazing person that I connected with on so many different levels. I couldn't help myself. She seemed different. We had gotten to know each other a lot better. I was over her in my mind, but this person just kept on getting better and better. It was like a drug, I kept on needing more and more.

I knew in the back of my mind that she didn't like me in that way though, as I had previously found out. But recently something changed, I started getting some signals that perhaps she had started to think of me in the way that I had hoped. I was confused. My heart said one thing, my head said the other. I was being pulled in two different directions by myself. I was free, but I got hooked again and it was my own stupid fault.

We've become friends that can talk about these things openly and honestly and I cherish her friendship. I told her what I was thinking and why I was confused recently.
She hadn't changed how she felt and I have accepted that. I dont feel hurt like I did the last time. Why? It was the same result, but now I feel different. I think the I've come to the point of accepting it for what it is.

Of course I want to remain friends with her, as someone like this doesn't come into your life every day. She is such a great person. I know that I can never be involved with her romantically and im fine with that now. I guess I had to be told twice, after all I am a man.

I'm moving on and I feel that this whole episode in my life has taught me some great lessons. I've been in love for the first time, thats something i'll never forget. Even though the feeling wasn't mutual, I know how it feels to be in love. I also know how it feels to be hurt.

I've done a lot of growing-up in my own mind and I've learned from my own mistakes. I guess the next step is finding someone who I love, and who loves me.

Fair play to ye man I don't think I could do that....