Poem : Faces

oakers

My first serious post here! Just wondering what people think?

Faces

Sat in a bar watching, through the window
A cold blue sky emerges from the clouds.
A magpie sings the song of a widow.
A solitary soul amidst the background
noise of indulgence

I sit alone but with friends, observing their
Idle chatter. Some laugh, some frown
But all converse. A girl flicks her hair
From across her eyes. The companion
Beyond the table; unaware of her affection.

The bartender serves without
A question, faceless people that go & come.
With love the girlfriend waits, his coat
In hand. Her dreams of a home,
And hopes of marriage.

As evening draws to night, people
Staff and faces change. No longer talk
of quandary, now just embracing couples.
Occasional rows ignite the air, step
via these doors next week, I will?

Copyright ©2002

AngryBadger

I like the use of simple language to paint a very complicated scene, and again it's like a sketched cartoon, characters with just features to show you how irrelevant they are, which is cool. But I think the last line destroys the whole poem, via? I'd change that whole line, I think what you're saying is clear, and well done, but the last line...it just doesn't fit well enough on my ears.

oakers wrote:

Faces

step via these doors next week, I will?

Copyright ©2002

oakers

Cool, Cheers. I was beginning to think that it was really awful based on zero responses!

I'm fairly sure that when I wrote it the lats line was "step through these doors again" instead of "step via these doors next week"?

As it makes no difference to the scheme I'm not entirely sure why I changed it?

AngryBadger

oakers wrote:

I'm fairly sure that when I wrote it the lats line was "step through these doors again" instead of "step via these doors next week"?

That line fits the rest of the poem a whole lot better. That one change, makes it an excellent work