RPing quotes

Raphael

Just wondering if you have any amusing quotes that came up during roleplaying sessions, like the immortal "i wanna attack the darkness" flash. Here's a few of mine:

DM: Roll for initiative
Player:<Rolls 20> I Have CRITICAL INITIATIVE!

DM: In the room there is a small box
Player: I want to use disarm device
DM: Theres no device
Player: What is there
DM: A gnome
Player: I want to disarm the gnome

DM: In this room you see 2 chests.....This is surprising, as you can see neither heads nor arms

DM: You see a gnoll
Player: I want to tell him theres an ogre in the next room that killed all his friends
DM: <Rolls dice>......he believes you and charges into the bottomless pit

DM: This room contains rocks, and a mysterious stain
Player: A mysterious stain?
DM: I randomly generated the room
Player: Let's not do that any more
DM: Yeah

DM: The blind attendant consults a clipboard, then admits you

DM: I have to generate the trap
Player: a skeleton is going to jump out of the chest?
DM: huh?
Player: That's the random encounter table
DM: oh...



These were discussions between a PCs and a NPCs:
DM: You exit the room. In the corridoor you see a cross-dressing italian
Player: I'd like to interact with the Italian
Player(IC): Do you speak Common?
DM(IC): Ciao!
Player(IC): Do you speak Dwarven?
DM(IC): Bonjour!
Player(IC): Do you speak Elvish?
DM(IC): Gracias!
Player(IC): Do you speak Draconian?
DM(IC): Ciao!
Player: I'd like to attack the italian
<Initiative is rolled>
DM: The italian sexually harassess you. You are now pregnant with his child
Player: I would like to call it quits and shake his hand<this is RPed>I would like to cast shocking grasp
DM: The italian is ash
[The preceeding was part of an otherwise normal game]

DM: You must slay the three ogres
Player: I can't, I'm allergic to ogres
DM: Oh, go on. They're not that scary, running around with their little claws, and their black and white stripes
<later>
Player:I slew the badgers
DM: You slew the badgers???? Well done! They're HUGE!

DM: You must bring me a gnoll tooth
Player: where would I find one of those?
DM: in a gnoll's mouth.
Player: (OOC) Can I kill the sage?

Zillah

Oh we had loads of these. We keep a notepad of silly things people say. Off the top of my head...hmm These are all from mage.

ST : You look across the room, at the table are two men in a suit...

*

Player 1 running up : What's up there?
Player 2 running down : GUNS!

*

Player : Couldn't you coincidentally massage my head?

*

Newly arrived young man ST (ic): "I'm a fairy!"



*

ST(IC) : He points your flower at you angrily

*

Player : Can I use magic to get him to tell me the real reason.
ST : No. Get two paradox. Take three levels of lethal damage. You're on fire. Something eats you and a speedboat falls on your head.
Player : Oh

*

Player : Could I...
ST : No whatever it is, of course not.

Sarky

DM: You...You want to confuse your goblin captors... by dancing at them?

Players: Yes! And while they're confused we sort of dance out of the camp!

(Dice rolls. Many critical successes.)

DM: Wow...Fine, as long as everybody roleplays it. You two have to dance, and the rest of you have to pretend to be the goblins egging them on...

(Much high pitched screaming as the two girls tango out the door...)
______________________________

(All flesh must be eaten, the zombies have just broken out)

DM: You see Zombies everywhere, shambling slowly towards you

Player: Are they real zombies, or infected by a virus?

DM: A zombie eats you, because it's a f*cking ZOMBIE. Anyone else want to ask stupid questions?

Earthhorse

DM: On the horizon...oops, no wait, I wasn't supposed to read that yet!
Player: I look towards the horizon.
(Pause)
All: Which one?

Player: I want to sneak quickly but unconspicuously across the room.
Keeper: So basically you want all the advantages of sneaking but none of the disadvantages?
Player: That's correct.

Player: I'm a journalist.
Keeper: Oh really? What paper do you work for?
Player: The one, um, on the street.

Raphael

Player: oh, yeah? well i hit you for *rolls ALL of the dice and adds it up* 88 damage
DM: I roll my being the DM save; *rolls a d4* a dragon eats you.
Player: I roll my owning the rulebook save *rolls d4* the dragon turns into a hamster
DM: *discretely rolls d20* The hamster eats you.
Player: damn...

DM:no wait you can't see it yet, you have to take a spot check
Player: It's a fúcking tree, it's taller than them, how can they not see it!?



DM: Raz (NPC) is now invisible
Player: Then why can i still see him?
DM: cause i can't make the model invisble
Player: Take it off the map
DM: If i do that i'll forget where it is...
Player: you have to take it off the board
DM: ...Raz has left the game

DM: She kidnaps her
Player: who kidnaps who?
DM: she kidnaps her
Player: which one kidnaps which??
DM: Sata kidnaps the Emprix
Player: This is the first time i've heard their names
DM:.....oh, I wasn't meant to tell you that
Player: Who's kidnapped who?!
DM: That model has kidnapped that model

DM: You've killed all the rogues; you now have no way of finding out where they took the Emprix
Player:.......They're not dead they're dying
DM: they'll be dead soon
Player:.......I'd like to cast heal

Player: I'd like to intimidate him
*dice are rolled character is intimidated*
DM: He gets a +10 bonus because of the strict rules of his Order so he passes
Player i think he should get a -10 because of the giant half-orc barbarian sitting on his chest, holding a very large axe and grinning
DM:........you succefully intimdate him

In Character:

Player: I would like to bring the sage to examine the spinning blade trap
DM:ok
Sage: Looks like a giant spinning blade trap, looks dangerous
Therasir: Do you know how to get through?
DM: the sage puts his staff into the blades, he now has staff julienne
Sage: Yes, but you'll be in lots of little pieces
Player: Can I push the Sage into the trap?
DM: No
Player: Why not?
DM: he'll turn into a dragon
Player: I speak Draconic and have a really high charisma score
DM: He doesn't speak draconic
Player: All dragons speak draconic
DM: this one doesn't, he spanish

Kshukrogk is a half orc barbarian character
KshuKrogK: I am KshuKrogK (pronounced Shurog)
DM: (OOC) What are all those Ks for?
KshuKrogK: They're silent
DM: (OOC) Why?
KshuKrogK: I like K
DM: (OOC) right...
KshuKrogK: I am literate!

Player: I'd like to look around my cell
Dm: you see four stone walls a makeshift bed and a wooden door
Player: Is it locked?
DM: no
Player: I'd like to leave the cell
DM: in the next room you see two guards
Player: I'd like to interact with the guards
Guard: Get back in your cell!
Therasir: That's not my cell
Guard: What?
Therasir: My cell has five walls
DM: *rolls dice*
Guard: well this room has five walls so how about we go in there and you stay out here?
Therasir: ok
DM: The gaurds enter you cell and close the door behind them, the door has a number pained on it and a brass lock
Player: I'd like to lock the door
DM: congratulations, the guards are now locked in your cell
Player: that was easy, hey you do know the room doesn't have 5 walls
DM: yah, it has 7
Player: *counts* it has 10
DM: They critically failed their intelligence test ok?

Zillah

Sarky wrote:

(All flesh must be eaten, the zombies have just broken out)

DM: You see Zombies everywhere, shambling slowly towards you

Player: Are they real zombies, or infected by a virus?

DM: A zombie eats you, because it's a f*cking ZOMBIE. Anyone else want to ask stupid questions?

My favourite so far.

Edit: I just remembered one from a friend of mine


DM: You hear a knock at the door...
Player: Is there anyway I could sense that...?
Dm: Em...with your ears?

Sarky

Me: Hmm, I think I can see the pattern for these switches-

Other player: I PULL ALL THE LEVERS!

DM: Um.. What?

Other player: ALL OF THEM! AT THE SAME TIME!

DM: Er, you do know there's a safe pattern to-

Other player: I RUN UP TO THE LEVERS AND PULL THEM ALL!

DM: Oh no...

Me: Right, that's it. I grab her and stuff her into my bag of holding.

Sarky

(Playing Vampire The Masquerade)

GM: So let me get this right- There's a sniper somewhere in this fuel depot shooting at you with explosive rounds, and you're taking cover behind the barrels?

Player: Uh... Yes?

(GM silently hands Player a fresh character sheet...)

Poor woman. She went through three characters in one day, all vampires. One fell from a 25th story and got captured and sold as a Giovanni sex slave, another got blasted to pieces in the above dialogue, and the third gave attitude to the boss...

Boro

So many quotes from my games, cant really remember too many unfortunately.

I had just started a new game as a feral planar halfling barbarian with filed teeth who had been dropped through a dimensional rift into the grounds of a good aligned temple.

When confronted by the hgh priest of the temple, i resorted to intimidation. I rolled a 20 on an intimidate check. The high priest was stunned, then my barbarian tried to run and jump a 20 foot wall. *splatted* about half way up it and knocked himself out (lev 1 char)....

DM: "well you definitely convinced him that you ARE a dangerous lunatic"

====

Another game. One of our players polymorphed into an umberhulk and began digging a tunnel through a mountain (dont ask me why!). Half way through, an enemy turned up and cast earthquake.

Our player : "Ha im an umberhulk - im immune to mountains!" *SQUISH*

========

One of our players was playing as a lizardman - walking crocodile basically. Another player had been feebleminded and was walking around in a happy daze. He bounced up to the lizardman grinning.
The lizardman : "ooh look, a happy meal!"

========

oh i wish i could remember more.. Those ones are nowhere near the funniest ones..

DeVore

One from Gaelcon (which has gone down as legend now but really was a genuine occurance, I was there!)

DM: In this room you see 4 kobolds and a gazebo.
Players: We all attack the gazebo!
DM: Er, ok...
Players: what happens?
DM: well the kobolds all get free strikes and the gazebo is now wooden pieces...

***

Massive party dispute at the end of a Trial-By-Dungeon where only one person can be found not guilty. The wizard puts on his glove of jumping-5-rounds-into-the-future and decides to return when there is only one left. The rest of the party decide to attack the guards and make a break for it, which they do! Leaving the wizard locked in the dungeon for all eternity....
(ps: we wrote him into the official release of the scenario afterwards as an insane wandering encounter in the dungeon )

***

I DM'ed a group who were in the badlands where anarchy basically reigned. Before going into the dungeon the group bought a wand with permanent Detect Traps cast on it and a half dozen slave hobbits. Find trap, toss in hobbit, see how trap works, disarm trap. Simple!

DeV.

Sarky

That's what they're for. A friend of mine hates halflings so much that in nearly every game he runs, all halflings were wiped out in some ancient catastrophe. Dirty little beggars...