Mixed signals from ex-gf

pearsquasher

I'm back friends with an ex-gf after a year of little contact. I broke up with her, she got back in touch 2 months ago.

Heres the thing....


I'm really attracted to her again and i've told her. We're both single now and get on really well. However she vocalises that we stay platonic, that she doesn't want a relationship with me (or with anyone for that matter). Thats fair enough, i can appreciate feelings being different now... but she acts quite differently a lot of the time:

- daily txting/phoning and being quite cutesy too. "nitey nite hon" and stuff like that.

- tells me that a lot of her family/friends think she's still into me. She tells ME this, but says "... i don't understand why they think this" and says it upsets her that they don't know her.

- body language. She just looks at me in that way sometimes and i melt.

- lets me stay over on her couch a lot of the time after a video/wine etc.

- we had a "holiday fling" as she puts it, when we shared a tent at a festival a few weeks ago. We kissed and cuddled the next day, but then she said she regretted it. However, when we arrived back at her place after the festival, she said i'd be more comfy in her bed than the couch. Naturally i tried to kiss n cuddle again and she was unresponsive. I thought she was sort of playing and tried again but she suddenly turned the light on and said "No.. i mean it!"... she just turned around then and i was left staring at the ceiling feeling like **** after that and took me ages to explain to her the next day that i honestly thougth she was just being playfull saying no.

- Other little moments like they way she'd brush a crumb off me while we're chatting, and tiny little tactile things like that.

All this time she says she's not interested yet, knowing like that and acting the way she does is getting me really confused. She's hard to argue with when asked directly about this.... what am i going to say "i don't belive you"?

All my mates and family are saying "stay clear", "she just wants a mate", "don't see her again"... but i'm really bloody into her and don't want to lose her as a friend but i'm continuously tempted to make a move on her or start discussing how i feel but she just says "but i don't feel that way"...I can't help feeling she does but am starting to doubt my own perception beacuse of what she says.

What do you think?

Darren

This is what I would do -

Give her an ultimatum and stick to it. Tell her either it's a proper relationship or nothing. Being 'mates' with exs is not a good idea, you'll only keep getting mixed up signals and becoming diappointed. One of my friends stayed 'mates' with one of his exs, next thing he's getting texts off her telling him all about her new boyfriend. WTF!

Dr. Loon

She's fúckin with your head... back off.

koneko

Sounds like what Dr Loon said. Either she's unsure of what she wants, she's being a cow, or she doesn't realise she's leading you on.

In any case, talk to her, tell her how you feel and that she either needs to get with you, or start acting like just a friend. This somewhere-inbetween-floating-bull**** isn't going to fly and is messing with your head.

Beruthiel

pearsquasher wrote:

What do you think?

honestly
if you still have strong feelings for her then I would suggest that you sort it before you get hurt
ask her straight out what exactly she wants from you, from what you've posted above it looks like she's just playing with you, maybe she doesn't know what she wants and is just in a 'wait and see' mode. Who knows? Ask her before you get in any deeper - if she's not interested then stay clear of her for your own good
a little pain now is better than a lot of pain later

seamus

"Back away, not today, disco lady".

She's either messing with your head, or she's not 100% sure in her own head. Once you've been in a relationship with someone, it's very difficult to become platonic again without doing all those little intimate, tactile things that you used to. It feels weird not to. But look at it this way - do any other of your female friends do the same?

The kind of stuff that you're doing is the kind of stuff that *really good* friends might do, but a year isn't long enough for it to have settled into a *really good* friends kind of relationship.

Jim

Talk to her and sort it out. Otherwise strategic retreat is the only way.

"Run away...."

pearsquasher

Seamus... that makes a lot of sense.

I don't like the ultimatum idea - seems a bit harsh. On top of all this she's a little down and has few close friends. I just want her bad and want her to want me too. Fook..... i know i should get out of it...... but we all need a bit of dramatics and in a way, the whole thing is sort of interesting at the same time.... an exciting knife edge. Not gonna do me much good in the long run i guess. I'm also a bit afraid that i'm more "in lust" than in love and feel sort of guilty about not even knowing which it is. Frigging confusing stuff!

Sleepy

I think it's unfair to say she's just playing with you. My money would be on the fact that she's confused. All you can do is talk about it. Have you suggested getting back together with her? Maybe that's what she wants and thinks you' just want her as a fúck-buddy?

Remember, ye broke up for a reason, whatever it was. What's to say the same things that did your head in the first time won't do it in again?

Sleepy

pearsquasher wrote:

Seamus... that makes a lot of sense.

I don't like the ultimatum idea - seems a bit harsh. On top of all this she's a little down and has few close friends. I just want her bad and want her to want me too. Fook..... i know i should get out of it...... but we all need a bit of dramatics and in a way, the whole thing is sort of interesting at the same time.... an exciting knife edge. Not gonna do me much good in the long run i guess. I'm also a bit afraid that i'm more "in lust" than in love and feel sort of guilty about not even knowing which it is. Frigging confusing stuff!

Just read this now - don't even think about making any more moves until you can get your own head straight. Otherwise you'll just end up hurting her all over again. And that ain't a fair thing to do to anyone you care about.

pearsquasher

My best guess is that its a mixture of her being super-cautious and being a naturally tactile/flirty person. She knows i want to develop a deeper relationship with her, but says she doesn't. I just can;t get it through to her that what she finds normal i find cute, and giving-off-vibes. Its a head-wrecker.

As for the ****-buddy thing. I suspect she would inclined that way more than me. She's been there before with an ex but that was a few years ago. anyway, i couldn't handle that no matter how nuch i wanted too. That would kill me. I don't disaprove of it but its totally alien to me to be like that.

Zulu

Fire-in-the-hole! Fire-in-the-hole! Eject!! Abort!!! Get out man!


It's hard to do - and your not going to do it. But you know you have to walk away.

ravenhead

It seems to me that as you were the one that ended the relationship the first time round she is just being cautious - I mean she's not going to set herself up for the same thing to happen to her again now is she?

Give her time & try to make it clear to her that you're not just looking to get the leg over!

Think of things from her side - if it had been the other way around & she had dumped you, would you be so quick to let yourself open for it to happen again????

Gordon

I agree with Zulu... or is it Sleepy, gosh I can never tell you guys apart what with your posting at similar times and having similar avatars...

Get the hell out of there. Code red.

AngryBadger

pearsquasher wrote:

As for the ****-buddy thing. I suspect she would inclined that way more than me. She's been there before with an ex but that was a few years ago. anyway, i couldn't handle that no matter how nuch i wanted too. That would kill me. I don't disaprove of it but its totally alien to me to be like that.

hmm...once again I get to play devil's advocate...the fact that you think she'd be more into the *&"^-buddy idea than you send up the old "super-flirt" red flag in my head. As in, she may not be interested at all man, sorry, but if your' attitudes to physical intimacy are as polarised as this quote suggests, then she may genuinely not realise she's sending you all these signals...just a thought really, can't offer much constructive advice in this case.

My own lack of patience with people sending me what I call bull-*"&^ signals is to either move onto someone a little more earthed, or confront them, and the last time I did the latter a dramatic bust-up was the result....but time bore out every single thing I said to the byatch, BOOYAA!.....king of the world baby

Bloody*Mary

everyone knows that a little flirting can be a great way to make you smile and if you say she is feeling down then you flirting back with her and showing her that you are interested is bringing her self esteem back. It's so much easier to flirt with someone you are comfortable with rather than someone new as you know how they will react and she knows that it's only going to go so far. I wouldn't say she is doing it on purpose its just you are an easy option for her. I know I have in the past flirted with exes to make myself feel better and get a little male attention without having to get into anything (not saying its right ) I think the best option is to stop flirting with her by all means stay friends once you do this it might make her realise that she is interested in you and she will have to broach the subject and if she isn't you will find out sooner rather than being strung along like you seem to be now

pearsquasher

Bloody*Mary...that .seems to make sense in this case. anyway, i've decided to see her less now. I don't need this ambiguity, whether its self-inflicted or actually is because of her confusion. I think i am a bit of familiar security for her so i'll ween her off me slowly my keeping a distance. Sorted!


Thanks for the advise folks. Will update if i make a fooking mess of the situtation!!!

Elessar

It could be one of those things where she doesn't want to see you get into a relationship with someone else since she is single herself. So she makes all the right moves to keep you "on tap" as it were, until she is comfortable or gets another boyfriend, whenever that might be.

TBH, if that were the case, i'd get out of there asap.

pclancy

i guarantee u if you meet somebody else you'd forget about her really quickly! Get out with your mates and try and meet new people. The "friends with ex" just doesnt work and she needs to have it made clear that you cant take this messin around and she's made it clear to you that she doesnt want to be a fu.ckbuddie!

Iago

I think that she's probably a little unsure of where it may be going. When you deal with an ex everything gets very complicated. You have the history already and obviously there was a spark between you or you wouldn't have been together, I have no doubt that she still feels that spark the same way you do. On the other hand, there was also obviously something wrong in the relationship or you wouldn't have broken up in the first place.

It's probably best for you to take this very slowly for now, respect her wishes and remain platonic. You had your "fling" as you call it, and that was probably down to the close proximity and memories and emotions resurfacing from you both, nothing wrong with that but it would still leave a little doubt in both your minds, was it meaningful or just a shadow from the past?

You state that you broke up with her and that she got back in touch, I would guess that she is still interested in you but is afraid of getting hurt again, if you like her as much as you say you do then being platonic shouldn't be an issue. You can catch a movie together, go for drinks or a meal, whatever. Think of it as getting to know each other again and take it slowly, if you are meant to be together than taking the time now will make your relationship much stronger, and if you're not meant to be together than taking it slowly will reduce the level of hurt on all sides.

What you don't want to do is rush in, but a huge amount of pressure on both of you and the relationship and end up losing it all over again. Slowly build back up the trust and feelings and I'm sure everything will work out.

pearsquasher

i like Iago's solution.

Not being mates at all is giving in i think. The "ex-girlfirends never work out" thing just seems too pessimistic or something. imean she's a nice person and i dig her ways.

The best test for both our feelings would be if i met another girl i really liked soon. Then we'd know whats what.......

....*grabs little black book*

jesus_thats_gre

pearsquasher wrote:

i like Iago's solution.

Not being mates at all is giving in i think. The "ex-girlfirends never work out" thing just seems too pessimistic or something. imean she's a nice person and i dig her ways.

The best test for both our feelings would be if i met another girl i really liked soon. Then we'd know whats what.......

....*grabs little black book*

I agree with you on this, big time. I have remained friends with an ex for about 3 years now after going out for just under a year. I often notice the stuff that you mentioned previously and it always plays on my a mind a bit but I cannot ever imagine cutting off contact with someone who I spent alot of good times with.. It does take quite a while before you genuinely know that you are over her though but once you have, you know its worth the effort when you still have a good friend at the end of it all...

Typedef

Said /usr/bin/gurl who is quote "not looking for anything" and is texting you all the time is either

A: Looking for a declaration of love before she'll sleep with you or

B: Looking for some declaration of "we can just bonk" before she'll sleep with you.

If I might risk being castigated by all the females who inhabit boards and allegedly "don't" dream of meeting the right man.

It's quite likely that it's case A, since women are 'generally' [1] much more emotional then we are [2] and thus, if you are serious about marrying her and having lots of babies, you'll find that the ones who text you constantly and call you "honey", no matter how much they might deny it... are ... all things being equal the likely ones to perform such feats.


[1] Pays homage to the Boards-Political-Correctness police.
[2] Except for the pussy whipped ones.

Typedef

Caveat:

Assuming she's not going away to far away lands anytime soon, you could probably court her with impenuity, until such time as you had your way with her.

But, the thing is, as soon as you'd nailed her, you'd wonder why it is you went to so much trouble to get with this gril?

My advice would be to go for a girl who's a little less work.

As soon as she sees you beginning to loose interest either

A: She'll get nervous and text you lots or

B: She'll find someone else to shag.

In any case if you play hard to get, you're be ellusive and thus much more attractive.

In fact... think of all the women you've had, who've played hard to get.. and how much the 'thrill' of the chase exhilerated you... then honestly ask yourself... if said chicks had just hopped into bed with you... would you have been so enamoured with them?

Ergo : Play hard to get.. either she chases you, or you don't put yourself into a position where you can be humiliated by rejection.

In either case you win and get your ego stroked.

CathyMoran

I think that she has been hurt in the past and is nervous about letting her ex back fully into her life - I do think that she may fancy him but she may have been hurt and is subconsciously getting revenge.

Typedef

Revenge is a dish, best served ... cold. -- Ancient Klingon proverb

toxic_angel

its very hard to break a pattern and after being with someone for awhile and then breaking up and remaining friends its hard not to do the things u used to.......

im friends with 4 of my 5 exs and the first few weeks are really difficult trying to act as if friendship is the only thing u want.....

im also an extremely flirty person so that doesnt help.... maybe she is too!!??!!

the best thing is to ask her straight out..... maybe if ur brave enough show her this.... dont read into everything she does it may be just a natural thing for her to do ie picking fluff off u... not sounding harsh but she could do that to every1

dont see what u wanna see, see whats real ..... why did ye break up in the first place she may find that too much to get over so while she still wants u shell stop herself over this......

or else shes a hard hearted ruthless bitch messing with ur head to get revenge on being dumped.... did the breakup go nicely?

either way putting what u think to her will get a reaction read it properly.... shell either apologise and yell gt back together but if shes still iffy then say sorry but its reckin your head and you need time away from her then ask her not to contact u..... its harsh but ull feel better in the end

hope it goes well

J xxx

maxheadroom

Typedef wrote:

Revenge is a dish, best served ... cold. -- Ancient Klingon proverb

[OT]Its Sicilian...[/OT]

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think i was doing what your ex is doing to some girl so I dont think she's interested, the optimistic side is she might besomeone who doesnt realise what she has til its gone, I say fabricate a new girlfirend, or even better "i kissed my friends friend the other night in the pub, I kinda wanna go out with her, how should i put it to her?"

then watch real carefully for her first reaction, then you'll know.

Good Luck

Corksham

Dr. Loon wrote:

She's fúckin with your head... back off.

I agree completely, it happened to me and I am prone to anxiety and depression and had a very bad bout, I would tell her to f*** off politely