Communication Issues

PandeB

Hi there,
I was just wondering if anyone had any tips for over coming communication issues in a relationship.
I love my boyfriend very much but we just seem to not talk to each other and if we do its about nothing important.
When I bring the issue up with him we argue which I really dont like, so has anyone any idea how I could maybe try to fix things from my side and hopefully get us back on track???

Beruthiel

what did you want to talk to him about exactly?

anyway, have ye gone out by yourselves lately?
if you are living together, with a telly/computer etc, then talking can go by the way side after a long period of time - make the effort to go out alone now and again, it gives you the chance to chat without distractions.

btw
blokes tend to think there's something wrong/he's in trouble if you want a 'chat' which is probably why he gets defensive, also, please note that blokes don't even realise that 'chats' are required, things are fine as far as he's concerned and you're making a mountain out of a mole hill

babyhack

Beruthiel wrote:

btw
blokes tend to think there's something wrong/he's in trouble if you want a 'chat' which is probably why he gets defensive, also, please note that blokes don't even realise that 'chats' are required, things are fine as far as he's concerned and you're making a mountain out of a mole hill

I have to say when we hear the words "we need to talk" straight away we think oh hell what have i done now those 4 words freak us out

but the second part i think you may be wrong and dont tar us all with the same brush but if me and my GF where not talking the first think i would ask myself is "what have i done wrong" i love talking to her and tbh i we where not talking i would be trying to fix it asap

Sleepy

To a bloke "We need to talk" means either one of the following:

"I'm pregnant"
"Why haven't you proposed yet?"
"I cheated on you"
"I want to break up with you"
or "You're in trouble for [insert most recent stupid thing the bloke has done here]"

So, you can see why you should never use those words unless it's one of the top four. You're absolutely guaranteed to get a bad reaction when you approach it like that. As Beruthiel said, if a man is in a relationship and there hasn't been a "meaningful" conversation for a couple of weeks, we don't get worried. To us, that means things are comfortable, that we can enjoy a silence together, not that there's a problem. TBH, it's probably one of the things men and women argue most about. And usually unnecessarily.

CathyMoran

To PandeB - there are two people involved in communication...my ex and I left it for far too long...we eventually went to a relationship councellor and and worked it through but I hate to think what would have happened if we had not.

The_Conductor

I think an even larger elaboration on Beruthiel's comments wouldn't even come close to describing how blokes feel about communication.

In all honesty- dig out a copy of girls are from Mars men are from Venus- its a real eye opener. Any of Desmond Morris' books are an eye opener as well.

Guys may be guys and girls may be girls- but we are polar opposites and we never realise it..... it takes a lot of work to really get to know one another- you can think you know the person without ever really knowing them as they would like you to, and without them knowing you as you imagine they do.

Women are far more demonstrative and willing to tell you things than guys are (or ever will be). Guys have a "fix-it" mentality. If you start to tell your guy about your day- he automatically switches into "fixit" mode- and thinks what you are telling him is a problem for him to solve for you. Whereas for him to to even try to respond with a similar level of communication- is totally alien- he would think he was posing a problem rather than discussing life in general......

Sometimes, sitting down and hugging each other can communicate more than words ever can.

Kill the television!!!

S.

Sleepy

smccarrick wrote:

I think an even larger elaboration on Beruthiel's comments wouldn't even come close to describing how blokes feel about communication.

In all honesty- dig out a copy of girls are from Mars men are from Venus- its a real eye opener. Any of Desmond Morris' books are an eye opener as well.

Guys may be guys and girls may be girls- but we are polar opposites and we never realise it..... it takes a lot of work to really get to know one another- you can think you know the person without ever really knowing them as they would like you to, and without them knowing you as you imagine they do.

Women are far more demonstrative and willing to tell you things than guys are (or ever will be). Guys have a "fix-it" mentality. If you start to tell your guy about your day- he automatically switches into "fixit" mode- and thinks what you are telling him is a problem for him to solve for you. Whereas for him to to even try to respond with a similar level of communication- is totally alien- he would think he was posing a problem rather than discussing life in general......

Sometimes, sitting down and hugging each other can communicate more than words ever can.

Kill the television!!!

S.

Don't buy into the John Gray books at all. His PHD is pure and utter bullsht, much like his books tbh.

Linkage:
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/school.htm

babyhack

smccarrick wrote:

Sometimes, sitting down and hugging each other can communicate more than words ever can.

so so true

zervi2003

Interesting post.

Right so, as we all know Males and Females are completely different (well most anyways).

Females are more into the "I feel........." emotions. Women have no problem telling a guy what she feels. Men, for some reason, dont and dont understand this.

BUT

If the male gets defensive and ratty because the woman wants to point out something, then that is not fair.

Women will then not make the effort to communicate anymore cause they are scared to say anything in case they piss the man off, so that 50% less communication. And well really men would communicate say 20% of the time anyways so thats 20% out of 100% that a couple will communicate = problems.

Men should ask women when things are wrong so it doesnt always have to start from the woman.

Beruthiel

zervi2003 wrote:

Men should ask women when things are wrong so it doesnt always have to start from the woman.

I do not believe there is anything wrong, the thread starter did not comment on anything being wrong in the first place
asking for a 'chat' does not imply that there is a problem, I believe that women just like to keep close to their man, chatting helps with that
for a man
all he needs is sex to let him know things are just fine

zervi2003

Well,
She did say that they were having communication problems-that is a problem/conversation started in itself!

From a female point of view, I think that it is not just up to the woman to realise that they are having communication problems, but the man aswell.

She is posting here, asking for advice. In other words "how do I speak to my man" or "How do I approach him"? To me she seems a little scared of pi**ing him off. If not, I believe she'd just walk in there and say "Look we have communication issues/problems etc.....".

The man is probably totally unaware of anything going on.

Women usually feel sorry for men or have the "Ah shur he's a man...poor thing" attitude which I think is wrong.

I wouldnt go in all guns blazing, but I would say and point out to this guy that his communication skills towards the girlfriend could be improved (I would not say they are crap-that would get defense up). But how can things improve if she wont say anything and he doesnt realise anything!

A hug? Come on give me a break! See how far you'd get with a hug (on the other hand as beruthiel said "all he needs is sex to let him know things are just fine"!)