Adoption Tracing in Ireland

LegacyUser

Hi im a long time poster on boards but my first time having a thread here,
i was born in dublin and subsequently adopted by my now mother and father and have lived in cork all my life. I am now 20 and have decided that contacting my birth parents is something i really must do, but what has been stoping me for the past 2 years is the thoughts of my current Mother and Father, and how to tell them that it has no reflection on what i think of them or the way that they have raised me as i think they did an exceptional job.
Well i have 2 questions,

Question 1: How do i break this to my Mother and Father that i wish to trace my birth parents?

Question 2: What exactly to do after i have traced my birth parents? Anyone else had a similar case?

Sleepy

Search this board, the topic has come up a few times before. There's a few links to sites that can help with this kind of thing.

I'm sure your adoptive parents will understand that this is something you feel you have to do. I'm sure they thought about the possibility when they adopted you in the first place and, as such, should be entirely prepared for it.

Beruthiel

you can start here:

www.adoptionireland.com

www.adoptionforums.com

loz_the_boz

Contact these guys,

St. Patrick's Guild 82 Haddington Road Dublin 4 Tel: 353-1-668-1908/668-1765

lisa.c

your parents have probably waited the last two years also for you to bring up the matter they wont feel rejected at all. the fact that this worries you shows that your probably a very loving and considerate son and your parents know this and wont feel threatened about you wanting to find your birth parents. speak to them about it they'll understand and support you 100%
good luck.

The_Conductor

Hiya-

Am adopted myself and was in a similar situation- terrified about how to tell my adoptive parents that I wanted to find my birth mum etc. I found it totally impossible to even comprehend sitting down with both of them- what I ended up doing was telling mum that there was something that I wanted to tell her privately, and I brought her to a nice quiet cafe where we could sit down and talk without being disturbed.

I am very aware of how difficult you may find it to discuss adoption with your adoptive parents- I managed to avoid it for 29 years.......

Ultimately, seeking your natural mother is a long road with many speedbumps, trials and tribulations along the way. I would strongly advise that you have the support of as many family and friends as is possible- you will be so glad that you have them there when you need them, even if there are a lot of things that you may need to do yourself.

There is a Yahoo message group dedicated to adoption search and reunions: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adoption-ireland/

You should join- you'll get to meet loads of people in a similar situation- or even some who are further along the road having had found their mothers.

Vis-a-vis the advice above- ignore the advice re: ringing St. Patricks Guild- unless they are the agency who handled your adoption in the first place.

If unsure who handled your adoption- contact the adoption authority on 01-6671392 who will be able to tell you who the particular agency were.

There is a very worthwhile document detailing 1) questions you should ask your agency when you initially approach them and 2) how you could go about doing your own search work yourself available at:

http://www.adoptionireland.com/services/traceguide_adopted.htm

Normally you can expect your agency to supply you with some non-identifying information- eg. the name your natural mother originally called you, her first name, a few details about her education and background, possibly a few details surrounding your adoption- it varies really.

Finally- you mention you are in Cork- there is a group based in Cork dedicated to helping adopted people/natural parents trace their parents/children. Its called Know My Own- and normally has a monthly meeting.
They were founded exactly a year ago and are having their next meeting next Monday at 8PM in Tougher House, Ardmanning, Cork (there is a note about the meeting on the Yahoo mailing list above- including directions etc).

There are lots of people both in similar situations and also further along the road than you- most of whom would be more than willing to offer advice or help in any way they can.

Best wishes,

Shane

LegacyUser

thanks very much those links have been really informative, i have been told that i will recieve the details of the adoption agency on monday by post so looks like things have started to roll.

Going Demented

I know partially what you are going through. I decided to search for my birthfather afer 23 years. I couldn't handle the "questions" in my head anymore. I was absolutely terrified to tell my mother. I felt that i was being ungrateful and that me searching was a sign that what my family had done for me wasn't good enough, when nothing could be further from the truth. I didn't want to hurt my parents at all, i just wanted answers. It took me weeks to finally blurt it out to my mother and she was in shock but took it better than i expected. She said she knew with 23 years that the day would come when i would decide to contact my birthfather so i assume your parents know the day may also come as well. I have not told my father that i searched and reunited with my birthfather. Due to his age and ill-health i figure what he doesn't know won't hurt him and my family asked me not to tell him also. Telling my family was the hardest thing i ever had to do, best of luck with it.

After i found out contact details for my birthfathers family i actually contacted his relatives first. I went to see his mother (my birthgrandmother) before i contacted him. Then i contacted him. It was a very hard journey. It did not turn out great although he was very accepting. Words and actions by him differed and i realised i hadn't anymore energy to try and build a relationship/friendship with him when it was all one sided. I got sick of doing all the work. Although it was very hard and there were so many tears (still is) i think it was worthwhile just to have a face and name to put to the relative stranger. Also i got SOME questions answered. Certainly not a lot of answers as he refused to talk about some things. He put a lot of pressure on me to meet up with my family and said he would only answer some questions in their presence, and to me i never wanted him and my family in the same county nevermind the same breathing space. I am a lot closer to my family now after all this. It won't be easy for you but hopefully it will be worthwhile. BEst of luck