work in process (story)

damntheman

(in medias res)
Abigail staggered up the stairs and down the hall. She tried to ask the faded figures where the bathroom was, but the only word that could escape her mouth was,"Baaf- room!" People walked passed her and pushed her aside without a care in the world. Three guys walked by and laughed as they knocked her down. She curled up into the fetal position and sat there in there in the hall-- half hoping someone would help her and half hoping that everyone would just leave her alone. Her eyes were half opened. Everything she saw was blurry and seemed to be moving at a fast speed. She heard the voices of her sisters and herself playing and laughing as young girls. The faded sounds of their voices almost muted the sounds of the house. "I'm gonna get you Gabby."
"Come on Lily, hide behind the bushes, Abby won't find us there."
"Gabby, wait for me"
"I got you! Ahahaha!"
"You guys are too fast for me. I won't be able to catch you."
"Well, then what do you want to do Lily?"
"Yeah Lily, we'll do anything you want."
"Ok, can we sing the song that Mommy taught us?"
"Ok. You ready?"
(All three sing) "Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile even though it's breaking..."
Abigail sat lying in the hall and began to sing along with her memory while she tried to hold back tears, which was inevitable. Abigail felt someone lifting her, but she still continued to sing.
"Abigail, its Lindsay can you hear me? Abigail! I don't think she can hear me, Josh. What do I do?"
"Splash some water on her face and keep her awake. Try to get her to drink some water or throw up. I'm gonna call an ambulance." Josh started to dial 911 on his cell phone, but the noise from outside of the bathroom was too loud. He closed the door shut and tried dialing again. He looked at Lindsay to make sure she was all right. He could tell that was panicked, but she was trying to hold it back. "Hello, my name Josh--" Abigail, still singing softly and incoherently, tried to ignore her two friends and tried to ignore what they were saying, but she couldn't. She just wanted them to be quiet. She just wanted to sleep. "Abigail, keep your eyes open. Listen! Listen to me, it's Lindsay." Lindsay looked over at a Josh, but didn't say anything. She didn't need to, Josh could tell from look in Lindsay's eyes that Abigail was in serious need of help. "2546 Newberry Lane. Please hurry, she doesn't look too well."
"...that' the time you must keep on trying. Smile what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile."

AngryBadger

That's brilliant, quietly brilliant. Kind of like something that just sneaks up on you, a terrificly crafted piece of prose.

BEAT

goodgrief, what happens next!
I can t believe you are leaving us hanging here...
please post the rest of the story, beginning and end.

I'd like to read it all thanks

AngryBadger

I think it's complete as it is. Sums up the mindset of someone who's on drugs really well, and the way we assume a lot of them feel to do drugs in the first place, this is a brilliant piece

damntheman

wow, thanks.

damntheman

(in medias res)

Abigail and her father sat in the psychiatrist's office and waited for the doctor to return. The air conditioner was turned on high and made the room feel as cold as ice. Abigail expected ice cycles to fall from the ceiling at any moment. She tried distracting herself by counting the amount of encyclopedias that were aligned on the velvet shelves. Velvet shelves. That appeared a little eccentric to Abigail, so she focused on other inanimate objects. As Abigail's eyes gazed across the room her attention was directed at the pictures and plaques that were hanging on the wall to her left. One in particular was mind boggling to her. It was a crooked photo hanging in the center of all the other pictures and it was of the doctor and a young girl that looked exactly like Abigail. At that moment the doctor walked in and Abigail's concentration was altered.
"Hello, I am Doctor Clandestine. Sorry about the wait, I was on the phone with another patient," she said in an upbeat tone. The doctor seemed different from the photos on her wall. Abigail smirked at how aging can alterate a person's outer appearance, and thought that maybe the doctor kept those pictures around so she is able to remember how beautiful she once was.
"Hello Doctor, I'm Abby's father and,"
"Abigail!" She abruptly interrupted.
"Abigail's father," he continued, "and I would like to discuss my daughter's file with you, and what I think would be best for her."
"Mr. Rhode, though I appreciate your insight and interest in your daughter's well being I have already looked through her file and I have to decided to give her some medication that will assist her." Abigail and her father were somewhat confused. The doctor had not even spoken with them or discussed any vital information with them. Abigail really didn't care, she was just glad that she wouldn't have to wait in that office much longer.
"What kind of medication?" Abigail asked.
"Well," the doctor replied with a weary face, "it has yet to be released but I know it will work wonders with you. It's strange actually. It is as though it was made especially for you. I will give you a bottle now and will send you a new one each month. There may be some peculiar side effects, but don't worry about that." She handed Abigail a strange pink bottle with a green cap. On the bottle in bright green letters were the words, "Thaumaturgics- take once a day."
"Thaw-meh-tur-jics?" Abigail pronounced confusingly.
"Yes. Here is some water, take one now." As Abigail pulled the lid off of the bottle she heard an uncanny melodic whistling, as though coming from a distance. She quickly forgot about the whistling and laughed to herself when she saw the pills, because they were of various colors. There were pink ones, green ones, blue ones, orange ones and more. Then she took one of the pills and followed it by a drink of water. To her surprise it left a fruity taste in her mouth. The pill she took reminded her of watermelons. It seemed refreshing and juicy.
"You will take one a day for six months. After the last pill of the last bottle is taken, I want to see you again. Take this. It's a gift. Wear it with pride. Ok, you can go now. Go ahead, leave."
Abigail took the gift, and then her and her father, puzzled, stood up immediately and walked towards the door. As Abigail walked out of the office she gazed again at the crooked picture. It was different this time. The girl in the photo was shorter and had blonde hair. "Strange," she thought. Abigail and her father walked down the hall towards the exit when Abigail unexpectedly heard the whistling again as an elderly woman passed by. She tried concentrating on the familiar sound it had but was interrupted when her dad told her to put the sweatshirt (the gift) on that the doctor had given to her. She sighed, but she put it on to avoid an argument. Embarrassed by what she was now wearing, she wanted nothing then to get into the car and go home. She waited at the door as her dad brought the car around. As soon as he pulled up she ran towards the car. Lily sat in the back seat and was filled with laughter. The reflection of Abigail's bright pink sweatshirt through the car windows made her cringe, and the sight of the words "I LOVE ME!" in bold black letters made her want to die. She reached for the door handle and then suddenly heard the whistling again. Abigail stopped, listened, and watched as the old lady glided by. It seemed as though the old woman was whistling the tune to Abigail and also seemed like she smiled at her, but Abigail wasn't too sure. "Get in the car!" her dad yelled. Abigail got in and they drove away.

damntheman

Also, I don't exactly have it written beginning to end, I just have pieces. I can post an overview of what it's about though.

BEAT

This is excellent, you have been given quite a gift.
You are an excellent writer, very descriptive.
The story makes you want to read more (which I do want to ) and paints a vivid picture. It leaves you asking questions.

All the makings of a good book.

I hope you plan on doing something with this, and I would like to see more

Do you have any other projects, is this your first?. Tell us a bit about yourself and your writing experience.
Thanks.

damntheman

haha, thanks. I love writing things, I always have. I do hate writing things that are given to me, I like to create them instead. I was thinking of writing a book, but when I tell people they laugh because I'm only 18 and they think I sound like an old woman or something.


this story now is about abigail. she is 20 years old and detached from her family. her mom died when she was younger and she blames herself. she thinks that when you're grown up,you should act it. She has no imagination or no sense of acting like a child. something happens to her and she is forced to move back home and see a doctor. she's completely pessimistic about her whole situation. the doctor gives her these pills to take. they start to alter her perception of things and make her see things through a child's eyes- with imagination. then she meets her neighbor's nephew-adam, who moved in with them from ireland. he is fun, optimistic, and full of life. adam and the medication help her become a happier and fun loving person.

i

damntheman

(in medias res)

She watched as a dad taught his two children, who seemed to be about ten years old, how to fish. They were laughing, joking, and having fun. Abigail's face was one of a nostalgic person's, but she shook away any thoughts of her childhood as quickly as possible. She got up from the rock she was sitting on and went over to her fishing pole to see if she had caught anything. Nothing. She then rendered herself as the worst fisher in history. An unexpected chill ran down her back, so Abigail decided to walk back to the car and grab her sweater. As she walked away she heard the two young children playing, their voices echoed, "I'm gonna get you Harry!" and, "You'll never catch me Gretchen!"
Abigail walked through the forest towards her car, or what she thought was the direction of her car. Wrong. She turned left and was sure her car was over there. Wrong again. The forest was a never-ending labyrinth. Everywhere she looked and went there were trees. She grew frantic. The trees started closing in on her and the wind made piercing sounds as though someone was whistling. She began to pace. She suddenly stopped. At that moment there was an incredible influx of many intoxicating scents all at once. The illuminating and rich scents of ginger could not escape her. Then there before her laid tracks that someone prior to her had made. As she followed the tracks to a huge decorative house, the smell of ginger turned into chocolate. The scent of chocolate was so intense that she could taste it melting on her tongue. She stood alone craving ginger cookies and chocolate candies. As she began to walk towards the house, Harry and Gretchen ran by screaming, "Don't let the witch get you!" They had brushed by her and spun her out of her daze of ginger and chocolate. The children ran away laughing and she smiled at them. When she turned around to look at the house, it was gone. Replacing the house was a dilapidated old cabin surrounded by weeds. The melodious winds died down, the scents had vanished, and the trees were still. Abigail bent down, put her head in her hands and into her lap. She thought she was losing her mind. After a few moments she stood up to leave, and turned around only to find Adam standing there. His sudden appearance frightened her and she let out a horrific scream.







(in medias res)

"What's wrong Abigail?"
"There's something I have to tell you. It's gonna be hard to believe. I'll understand if you laugh and make a mockery of my pathetic life bec-"
He laughs and grabs her hands away from her face as he says, "Stop. I'm listening, tell me what's wrong."
"Alright," she sighs, "on Halloween night I waited around for Lucas-- my ex-boyfriend. I was having a bad day to begin with because I failed my Psychology test. I was getting antsy waiting around for him so I went to his apartment to see him. Well, when I got there I found him in bed with another woman. Our relationship, if you can even call it one, wasn't going anywhere anyways, but I was still upset. So I called up my roommate Lindsay, told her what happened, and met her at this party. I drank way too much that night and had to get rushed to the hospital. They had to pump my stomach and give me fluids through an I.V. After gathering specific information, the doctors and my school concluded that I had tried to commit suicide-- which was completely wrong. The thought never even entered my mind. So anyways, they made me leave school, come home, and then see a specialist. I went to see this woman, Doctor Clandestine, and she gave me these weird pills to take."
"So that's what they are."
"Yes, let me finish. Ever since I started taking them weird things started happening. It's like I see the world through someone else's eyes. It's like I see it through a child's eyes. My imagination takes a hold of me and carries me away. One night while I was in work, I spilled maybe a cap full of shampoo and then suddenly the entire hall was filled with bubbles and then a second later they were all gone. Crazy things like that keep happening and I'm afraid to tell people about it."
"You told me." He smiled and gazed her cheek with his hand.
She smiled back and said,"I told you...but do you believe me."
"It may sound far fetched, but yes, I do believe you."
"And what about everything that happened?"
"Well what about it? It happened. We can't change the things that happened to us, and we shouldn't regret them either, because we wouldn't be the people we are now if they didn't occur." Adam looked at her and she smiled as a child does when receiving its first toy."You know you're amazing," she said. Then he kissed her. It was their first kissed together. As he kissed her it began to rain and time seemed to slow down. When she opened her eyes she felt as though she couldn't breathe. It was like nothing she's ever felt before. Then she noticed the rain. It was different. It was the most beautiful rain she's ever seen. Slowly and aimlessly, colorful drops of blue, red, yellow, orange, green, and many others fell from the sky. Everything was in slow motion except for Abigail. She heard each drop hit the ground. It was as though someone was playing her a melody. She turned her head and gazed at Adam, who was in medias res of opening his eyes. She was in awe. She was happy. She was in love. Time began to catch up but the rain remained the same. She was filled with life and Adam had noticed. "What do you see now?"
"Close your eyes. Picture the raindrops being a variety of colors- like someone took a box of crayons and colored them all in. It's amazing." Adam held his eyes closed and grabbed her hand. "I know exactly what you mean."

damntheman

harry and gretchen are supposed to be like 'hanzel' and 'grettel'

AngryBadger

I really liked the two follow up sections. Honestly, not in the best of form this morning so wasn't sure I wanted to read them, the first piece was fairly heavy, but they were actually realy uplifting. I like the way you give the main characters so much time, and the others are all...it's like they're just sketched outlines, it's actually a brilliant window into how someone thinks, it's fair to assume that for most of us, a small number of people are a complete scene, while most others are just sketches around the edges. Good work man, looking forward to reading more

BEAT

This much talent and you are only 18. Are you out of highschool? college?
this is a wonderful story, what inspired it?

If you are interested in writing a book I can tell you that it will sell. If you need an agent...let me know

Mr E

Brilliant stuff... beautiful description of a first kiss.

damntheman

BEAT wrote:

This much talent and you are only 18. Are you out of highschool? college?
this is a wonderful story, what inspired it?

I graduated high school on June 1, and this Thursday I'll be moving into college.

Everyone was given an assignment in Lit class to make a character. I was sitting in one night and was watching Piglet's Big Movie, I think that's what it's called. The whole time watching I was thinking about how people's lives change, one minute we're watching cartoons and the next we all have 9-5 jobs and we don't go out on the weekends anymore. I don't like the thought of growing up into that kind of person. I want to be able to have fun and be able to watch winnie the pooh and still smile. So, for class (and after watching winnie the pooh) I came up with Abigail. I thought of songs and of stories that children hear when they're little and tried to incorporate them. We never did anything with our characters because there wasn't enough time, but I just kept writing and coming up with new stuff.

A lot of the stuff I put in it comes from my life. She's from Philadelphia just like me. When she moves back home she works at the Hilton ( I hated working there). My mom was cruel and also left when I was little, so in this story I try to make Abigail's mom what I think a mom should be like...and then she dies and Abigail blames herself for it. Abigail is the middle child with two sisters, as am I. I love everything that has to do with Ireland, so of course Adam is from Ireland.

I am a very innocent person and I have a very whimsical way of thinking. I'm a daydreamer and I guess that's where all of this comes from. I'm thrilled that you all enjoy it.

damntheman

I just wrote this and am still adding:
((walking home from work)in medias res)

The rain and winds grew treacherous. It seemed as though they grew heavier and colder with each step she took. Abigail started to worry because she couldn't see more than two feet in front of her. She just wanted to get home safely, but as quickly as possible. With that thought, she began to walk faster. Abigail tried to ignore her situation and pondered about the things that needed to be done when she got home. "The laundry- separate colors and whites. Organize the closet. Mop the kitch-" At that moment her mother's voice echoed with the winds and called out her name."Aaaaabby...Aaaaabigail." Abigail's heart stopped, her eyes filled with tears, and her throat tightened up. She spun around expecting to see her mother standing behind her with her arms held open. She spun too fast and fell off the curb into a puddle. There was no ground underneath her. She kept falling until she was completely surrounded by water. She desparately tried to swim up for air, but every time she did the rain pushed her back down. She didn't know what to do, she was in dismay. Then she began to hear whistling. It was the same melodic tune that she had heard outside of the doctor's office. Then whistling just suddenly stopped. At that moment a hand reached down from above, and reacting on impulse she grabs it. Adam lifts her up onto the ground. "You've got to watch where you're going. I was backing up my car as you tripped off the curb. Are you alirght, you look a little shaken up?"
"I almost drowned." She said in disbelief and shock. A little confused, Adam just laughed, "A little rain never hurt anyone. Well uh, Do you need a ride home?" Abigail shook her head yes and got into his car, fearing that something else may happen to her. The ride home was short, though a little awkward since they had both just met the other day. Adam tried to strike up conversations, but Abigail just gave one word answers.
Finally Adam drives down their street and parks the car. Abigail muttered the word thanks and ran up to her door as quickly as possible. Looking for her keys, Abigail notices Adam waiting at his door until she gets in. Her keys must have fell out of her pocket when she "fell" off the curb. She starts to bang on her door but nobody answers. Embarrassed and annoyed, she just stands at her door in the rain. "Would you like to come in until someone gets home?" Abigail accepts Adam's offer once again, even though she'd probably rather wait in the rain.



I still have to edit this to make it sound better:


THE END in medias res

Abigail smiles and hugs Doctor Clandestine. "Thank you." Before Abigail walks out she looks once more at the wall of pictures and plaques. She goes up to the crooked photo of Doctor Clandestine and the blonde haired stranger and turns it right side up. Abigail and Doctor Clandestine exchange smiles for the last time as Abigail leaves. On her way out, Abigail passes a young girl who wears a bitter smirk on her face. She over hears the girl and her mother discussing the girl's wardrobe as she passes by them. "Cady, would you please-"
"Catherine, mom! Cady is such a little girl name. My name is Catherine!" The young girl yelled at her mother almost bringing her to tears.
Abigail turns to the girl and lightly grabs her arm. "Hey," she says, "ask the doc about Thaumaturgics" She smiles at the girl and begins to walk away.
"What? Who are you?" The girl demands in a cocky tone.
"I'm Abby." Abigail, smiling with a sense of being complete, turns away and proceeds to leave the building. As she approaches the middle of the hall she turns back and takes one last look, then again proceeds towards the exit. She pushes the door open and smiles as the wind blows her hair back, the sun shines bright, and she puts on her sunglasses. She walks over to the car where Adam is waiting for her. As she gets in Adam asks, "Do you wanna go to Ireland with me this summer?"
"Yes, I would love that."
He gives a smile and is relieved by her answer. "Don't you wish life was always like this?"
"Like what?" She asked.
He answered with a smile and then with, "Like a fairy tale?" She looked at him and smiled back. He starts the car and then drives away.
As Abigail and Adam drive off, the young bitter girl, Catherine, walks out of the building wearing a bright pink sweatshirt with the words "I LOVE ME!" in bold black print. She walks away from the building with her mother and crosses the street. An elderly old woman follows behind them, whistling a melodic tune.


And they all lived happily ever after.
Well, one would only imagine so.




*the tense, grammar, and other things need to be fixed

BEAT

thank you so much for sharing, not only your story but the backround bit. Every good writer puts a bit of themselves into thier characters
I certainly hope you will continue to post your work up, it is one of the best story pieces that has been posted IMO.

Any plans of traveling to Ireland? PM me if you'd like some info/advice

damntheman

I posted in the travel/holidays thread about going to Ireland. I realllllllllly want to. My one grandmother (actually my cousin's grandmother, but I was real close to her when I was younger) moved here from Ireland when she was about 20. She still has family over there. My grandmother (my dad's mom) said that her dad moved here from Cork, Ireland when he was a baby.

I'm gonna try to work all summer and maybe go over around end of July/ beginning of August.

Shad0r

Awesome. I love when I stumble across prose on this board and its really good.

Damntheman - don’t listen to the doubters And sweet Jesus, don’t let something as ridiculous as your age be any sort of factor preventing you from writing. Being young isn’t a writing disability, its just a different perspective. A better one I would say when writing younger characters.

BEAT

damntheman,
I didnt see a link in the travel/holidays from you,but i was going to tell you that the best rates are after sep 16th through dec 16th. I am going over end of november, roundtrip $455.
If you have any questions about traveling or whatever Pm me

damntheman

ok, thanks

AngryBadger

damntheman wrote:

The whole time watching I was thinking about how people's lives change, one minute we're watching cartoons and the next we all have 9-5 jobs and we don't go out on the weekends anymore. I don't like the thought of growing up into that kind of person. I want to be able to have fun and be able to watch winnie the pooh and still smile.

I ust had to point out that at 23,doing my phD,I didn't even go into the lab until 2pm today, and spent eh morning buying comic in Forbidden Planet, and watching cartoons...am I living the dream....I think so

damntheman

haha, yes you are!

damntheman

this is supposed to follow the first thing i posted in the original thread:

Abigail was 11 again. She sat in the passenger’s seat across from her mom. She stared straight ahead with a sad and sorry expression upon her face and thought about what had happened earlier that day. She realized that she was wrong for what she had done. She wanted to turn to her mom and say she was sorry, but she felt too bad to even look at her. The car was silent. Usually when driving home from their shore house in Wildwood, Abigail and her mother had a good time talking to each other and singing along with the radio. Her mother looked over at her and smiled. A sorry smile. She felt guilty for yelling at Abigail. Abigail’s mom then reached over and turned on the radio. Abigail finally looked up at her mom while she was searching for a good song. Her mom started singing along with Janis Joplin as she turned up the radio. “Come on Abby!” Abigail smiled. Sometimes her mom would just be silly, but she loved it. They both sang their hearts out.
“…come on, come on, and take it take another little piece of my heart now baby. Break it! Break another little bit of my heart now darlin’ yeah. Have a, have another little piece of my heart now baby! You know you got it, if it makes you feel goo-” Abigail didn’t even see it coming, but at that moment a deer ran out onto the road. Abigail’s mom stepped on the breaks and the car swerved around. Abigail could feel her heart beating in her mouth. She could hardly breathe. She looked over at her mom, who was pressed up with her head against the wheel. She had never seen her mother so vulnerable before. She wanted to break down and cry, but she wanted to be a big girl for her mommy. Abigail’s mom tried to speak as tears came from eyes. “Abby…” The car began to get brighter and brighter until the light seemed blinding. Abigail looked up and saw two headlights coming straight at her and then heard a loud and horrific noise.
“No!” Abigail awoke frantically in her hospital bed. She was 19 again. Lindsay tried to calm her down.