Drunken Paddies

Exit

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy suddenly has a brainwave and says to Mick, "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home! I'll stay out here and look out for the police."

Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried. He shouts,

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" -to which Mick replies,

"I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy!" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts:

"You ****ing idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

Flukey

Paddy and Mick are sitting at the bar well pissed. Paddy gets up to go to the loo but on returning he forgets to do up his fly and his dick is still hanging out of his trousers. After a few moments Mick happens to look down.

"Paddy, don't move a muscle. There is a snake on your stool and he is heading for you!"

"Oh my God, what am I going to do Mick?"

Thinking quickly Mick smashes an empty bottle over the bar.

"Hold still now and I will deal with him"

With that Mick, with all his might, smashes down on the object in question.

Paddy screams in pain.

"Hit him again Mick, he is after biting me!"



A drunk gets sick all over a dog. Looking down he says to himself, "I don't remember eating that."