Can a guy be just good friends with a girl?

LegacyUser

Okay dudes

Can a guy be just good friends with a girl?

There is a girl at work that I really get on with. We go to lunch together, even go out for a few drinks now and again together.

I'm thinking of asking her out, but the thing is, she is engaged.

I don't want to mess up our friendship, but would like something more with her.

Should I let her know how I feel, be rejected and loss a good friend, or if she does feel something, then that will mess her up with her engagement and all.

Any idea to what I should do, or is there anyone in a similar situation?

kensutz

i'm in the same situation in work but this girl isnt engaged. we're soulmates and have been together before. now we're thinking of stepping it up, the fact that she is engaged will make it all the more awkward for you and would be unfair to her. your best bet is stay as good mates.

Töpher

It's easily possible, but the question is: is it possible for you? If you get put off asking her, or alternatively do but things don't go so well, would you lose the desire to be around her and be her friend? If you couldn't face her after that then perhaps its best not to try, as you know in advance the odds are stacked against you, what with her being engaged and all. But if you could both deal with it, no matter what way she reacts, maturely then why not?

Placebo

Yes, very much so.
telling her how you feel wont mess up her engagement unless your Brad Pitt or one of those hunks. :rolleyes:

Typedef

Given the right set of cirucmstances, any man will sleep with any woman he doesn't find repulsive.

So, if the girl is extremely unattractive, then from the man's perspective you can be just friends, but, most likely she will have a crush on you, since you are completely forbidden fruit, thus negating the 'friendship'.

Sure, you may have female people who you wouldn't sleep with, because of a male friend and where said girl doesn't fancy you, because of her boyfriend/your mate, but, that said... if the two of you were drunk and all alone, and she made a pass at you.... 99% of the men in the world would ride her.

Beruthiel

=_advicewanted_]Okay dudes

Can a guy be just good friends with a girl?

I have many mates who are blokes and I would never in a million years see them as anything other than mates. I suggest you don't rock the boat if you wish to remain her friend.

Nightshiftguy

Been there done that.... Exact same situation mate. So what did i do? Well I asked her out for a drink. And told her how I felt it was a tough thing for me to do... (lack of self confidence etc) but it worked out for the best. she said she knew and understood. But nothing could happen. Which gutted me a wee bit but thats life.. NOthing changed. a week or so later she invited me round her house and I met her bloke.. and I saw how happy she was and he was a nice bloke. I knew if i kept on at her it would upset her. So today were still best mates and talk about everything. we can be naked together share stories about experiances and everything I love her to bits and she loves me. So in a way it is a relationship but a non physical one// so after all that rambeling the moral of the story is tell her. and hey it could be what she wants to hear!

Best of luck mate

tk123

If she wasn't engaged i'd say go for it. If you think that you can tell her and be knocked back and still be friends then go for it. If you think she feels the same then DEF go for it - she could be stuck in a rut with the guy she's engaged to waiting for somebody like you to get her out of a boring relationship!!!!
That's prob no help to you thou - it's a tough situation and I know how you feel. I really like a guy I work with but I'm not brave enough to make a move. Actually if any of you guys fancy that girl from IT could you ask her (i.e ME) out for a drink or something (or even start by getting ME a coffee for a change)?? Thanx!!

Nightshiftguy

tk123 wrote:

I really like a guy I work with but I'm not brave enough to make a move.

So when u free?????

LegacyUser

OK - this is a bit of an aside but I like a guy in work, not sure if it is friendship or more but I do not have clue how to advance it - I fancy him too much to "safe flirt"...oh, did I mention, I am considering a marriage proposal...as the girl is engaged I do not think that you should do anything - men and women can be friends, I think it is normal to fancy them a bit but just not take it further.

tk123

lol!

Typedef

The problem with the nerds on PI, is you're/we're all suffering from buyers remose at being nerds.

All the time everybody else was getting pissed/knocked up/STD injections, we were whispering sweeting nothings to computers, into the wee hours.

Can't meet a girl but good with computers?

You don't *want* to meet one enough to go through the social contortions required.

Less with the buyers remose, this is Ireland, you could find drunk birds in a pub, who'd not even notice if you were being charming or not considering alochol ingested...

But you don't.

Buyers remose. Get some porno from the internet, forget about the femmes left behind in the real world. Become one with your nerd life.

"You have no idea of the power of the dark side".

*grin*

Repli

She sounds like bad news

vorbis

engaged to me would be a bit of a no no. Presumably, she's in a pretty serious relationship. All ye currently do is go for lunch and occasionally drinks. I mean that sounds like standard work mates behaviour. Big step from that to asking here to break up here negagement to go out with you.

David-[RLD]-

If she's engaged then don't try to ask her out. Don't try anything. Just be good friends.

And of course a guy can be just good friends with a girl. My girlfriend only has four friends who are girls and the rest are guys. Sure I get a bit jealous sometimes.... but who cares? :rolleyes:

irlirishkev

I tried to be friends with a girl who was engaged once.
We went out for drinks etc, all friendly like. Then we got pissed one night and ended up snogging. It wrecked her head a bit, and agreed it wouldn't happen again. Then it did. This went on for months. She split up with yer man eventually, and me and her had a good time for a while. Then she decided she needed 'space'. That was the end of that.

It's a dangerous avenue to tread down, and personally, I wouldn't recommend it.

Kevin.

jesus_thats_gre

I think that over a long period of time a fella can be just good friends with a girl.... However, I genuinely believe that at one stage there will be an attraction toward her. Its impossible not to be attracted to a woman you consider a really good friend at some stage..

gandalf

Well speaking from my own past I crossed over the line with a woman who was a very good friend of mine and for a short time we had fun but it ended in tears and we drifted apart (rapidally). Every now and then I wonder how she is etc. and miss her as a friend.

I lost a good friend because of that and I suppose you should consider what your friendship with her is worth and how you would feel if you lost it (which you more than likely will if she is engaged).

CathyMoran

OK, first of all - to Gandalf: surely you need to be friend with the person that you date!!! I know that you risk loosing the friendship, but if you are good friends to begin with then the friendship will survive either way...I have always dated friends and while I am in limbo at the moment I have made a pass at a friend and I am still friends with him years later, sure, things were strained for a while but he is still my best friend...I always believe you regret the things that you do not do, not the things that you do!

Sarky

At least half of my friends, probably more, are female.

I have little or no desire to have sex with any of them. No, they're not ugly, no they haven't betrayed or otherwise hurt me in the past, and no, they don't all have boyfriends/engagement rings/husbands. They happen to be witty, intellignet people with similar interests, senses of humour, and outlooks on life. They're people I respect and trust. They make me laugh and/or think. I can meet with them for a chat, game, drink, or show without obsessing over what any of them think, or if a hug meant anything more than a hug.

If someone as reclusive and cynical as myself can be friends with women, it has to be possible for others. I simply refuse to believe I'm the only guy on this planet capable of being friends with a girl without wanting "more".

Try thinking about something besides sex for a while, that might help.

CathyMoran

OK - there seem to be two separate ideas here:

1 - Can men and women be friends - in my experience this is the case, most of my friends are male and while I like them a lot, (there may be even some flirting), they are friends. I would be tactile with them in that I am touchy feely with most of my friends of both sexes, but no-one gets the wrong idea (except maybe people on the outside who see us together). So, I agree with Sarky there.

2 - Should the original poster ask out the girl that is one of his friends in work (correct me if I am wrong). I would say go for it were it not for the fact that she is engaged. Making a move on someone that you have been friends with for a while is harder as you have more to loose - it can be done, I have made a pass on someone that I was friends with for a few years but we are still friends, I have also dated friends and remained friends when the relationship ended, but that was tougher.

Firefox

Intresting, Iv'e just got into something the very same. Good looking girl, been really good friends years etc....she's just come out of a relationship and only recently iv'e starting having feelings for her and it's getting worse and now im stumped as what to do. I think she has an idea but as said in previous posts it's a dangerous suitation to be in. Going to have to make my mind as whether to go for it or not soon.

Typedef

Sarky wrote:

At least half of my friends, probably more, are female.

I have little or no desire to have sex with any of them. No, they're not ugly, no they haven't betrayed or otherwise hurt me in the past, and no, they don't all have boyfriends/engagement rings/husbands. They happen to be witty, intellignet people with similar interests, senses of humour, and outlooks on life. They're people I respect and trust. They make me laugh and/or think. I can meet with them for a chat, game, drink, or show without obsessing over what any of them think, or if a hug meant anything more than a hug.

Yes but.... are you a gay best friend?

Be honest.

Amz

As Sarky is a friend of mine I can honestly say, NO he's not a gay best friend.

Sarky

I can honestly state I have no interest in shagging Amz, either. See? The system works.

Er, sorry, Amz...

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think ya should ask her, you will eventually and maybe better now than when shes married with kids....

On the topic I think men and women can be friends even if there's an attraction, I told one of my best friends recently that I'm really physically attracted to her and love her but not "in love" with her and she understood perfectly.

Typedef

Ah, but, the whole "notion" of the two of you shagging exists there... lurking behind everything you do.

Assuming you're both hetero, you 'have' to admit that given the right set of circumstances (say you were both very drunk) that, intercourse of the naked monkey sex variety *is* a permissable outcome, on an order of magnitude more then say, with one of your similarly straight *same sex* friends no?

When Harry Met Sally anyone?

Amz

No problem m'dear



[edit]Any suggestions as to what unreggie name I can use for the forthcoming "My friend doesn't want to shag me" thread?[/edit]

secret_squirrel

CathyMoran wrote:

OK - there seem to be two separate ideas here:

1 - Can men and women be friends - in my experience this is the case, most of my friends are male and while I like them a lot, (there may be even some flirting), they are friends. I would be tactile with them in that I am touchy feely with most of my friends of both sexes, but no-one gets the wrong idea (except maybe people on the outside who see us together).

I would lay good odds that at least one or more of your males friends wants more than your friendship. Its a very rare man that doesnt go through a state of fancying a female friend or two.

And I also bet someone on the outside will have noticed it before you to. Its amazing how often we can be blind to whats happening around us.

You sound just like one of my female friends (very tactile, touchy feely etc) and right now I fancy the pants off her. Im sure it will pass given time.....

[Preacher]

I believe it was Chris Rock who said "Woman have platonic friends, Guys have friends they havent ****ed... Yet."

[Preacher]

Women can have platonic relationships. Guys can't.

In my experience anyway.

CathyMoran

secret_squirrel wrote:

I would lay good odds that at least one or more of your males friends wants more than your friendship. Its a very rare man that doesnt go through a state of fancying a female friend or two.

And I also bet someone on the outside will have noticed it before you to. Its amazing how often we can be blind to whats happening around us.

You sound just like one of my female friends (very tactile, touchy feely etc) and right now I fancy the pants off her. Im sure it will pass given time.....

Yes, one of my male friends fancies me, I never clued onto it but someone else mentioned it, then he mentioned it in passing. Both of us are cool about it - he is in another relationship. It happens the other way around as well...

To Typedef - loved the Harry Met Sally reference, though for me that film related more to the fact that you fall in love with someones personality, not with their looks (or is that just me being shallow)...

Sleepy

Yes, men and women can be friends. Granted there may be an attraction there and there are a few of my female friends I'd certainly shag in the right circumstances. That said, there are others that I'd never be interested in. (And no, that isn't based on looks).

With anything involving relationships, it all boils down to the people in question.

Original Poster - Don't even think about it. She's engaged ffs. :eek:

Zulu

tk123 wrote:

Actually if any of you guys fancy that girl from IT could you ask her (i.e ME) out for a drink or something (or even start by getting ME a coffee for a change)?? Thanx!!

...unless your the beauty I haven't managed to talk to yet - you weren't working on a win2k roll-out reciently??

To the origional poster - you are SO close to getting burnt, bad, don't be daft. She has decided to spend the rest of her life with another dude.

blondie83

Yeah I'm in the same boat too - without the engaged bit. I really like this guy in work, we go for lunch together, go out for drinks ect, but I can't pluck up the courage to ask him out. It's highly annoying altogether, cos we both get on really well, and this has never happenned to me before! To the original poster I would have said go for it, if she wasn't engaged, but tbh I think you should stay away as she is. If she is engaged to someone, it prob means that she wants to spend the rest of her life with them ect ect. Whether it will work out or not is anyones guess, but now isn't really a good time to step in :cool:

Zulu

blondie83 wrote:

Yeah I'm in the same boat too - without the engaged bit. I really like this guy in work, we go for lunch together, go out for drinks ect, but I can't pluck up the courage to ask him out. It's highly annoying altogether, cos we both get on really well, and this has never happenned to me before!

Ask him out, tomorrow (or Friday) for an after work drink. Stay in the pub until 11pm, suggest going to a nite-club - or back to yours/his for a night cap.
Blondie - I dare you Consider it a personal challenge.

secret_squirrel

/me hopes blondie is the girl I lunch and go drinkies with at work...fingers crossed

Orig Poster - Asking out someone who is engaged is going too far and setting yourself up to be burned. She might also think you lack any sort of respect for her, if you consider her so available when she is actually engaged.


Try and handle things with a bit more subtlety. Next time you are alone together ask her how the wedding preparations are going. Try to feel out if she is having second thoughts. If you get the feeling she is - make some jokey comment about being her backup. You know the sort of comment I mean...one that says I really really fancy you but Im putting it this way so we can both pretend to take it at face value if I've overstepped the mark. Does that make sense?

tk123

Zulu wrote:

...unless your the beauty I haven't managed to talk to yet - you weren't working on a win2k roll-out reciently??

To the origional poster - you are SO close to getting burnt, bad, don't be daft. She has decided to spend the rest of her life with another dude.

Kind of - changing pcs to active directory.........

blondie83

Zulu wrote:

Ask him out, tomorrow (or Friday) for an after work drink. Stay in the pub until 11pm, suggest going to a nite-club - or back to yours/his for a night cap.
Blondie - I dare you Consider it a personal challenge.

He's away at the moment so I cant do that, also we both still live at home with the parents, so going back to my place or his place may not be such a good idea :O I like your "go to the pub/night-club" idea though - think I'm going to try that when he gets back. Will update and tell all what happenned!

BEAT

I have been on both sides so I will share a bit for you.
I have a ton of male friends that are just friends and we hang out, shoot pool, play poker and just have a good time and I havnt been involved with any of them and wont be because they are married or dating people and generally are just my friends. Then there are a few that I am friends with that I'd like to have more with but they already have partners so I stay detached .

Yes you can be friends, but...if you have these feelings for her and it goes further than just a shag then you have to say something now before she gets married, afterwards it is too late.Right now she is only engaged, nothing is final until she says "I Do"

I have this friend that had a similar situation except when they met she wasnt engaged yet. They still were close friends until she got married, (secretly she wanted the friend but he never said anything) so she got married and 5 years later this guy finally gets married but still wants her and she still wants him. Today they are both married with kids and they want o be with each other and just now find out that niether of them spoke up and now they are both miserable. Its a mess but it could have all been avoided with a simple bit of communication.

Basically, you dont have to ask her out to find out how she feels about you, just talk to her about her relationship and hinting that if she werent engaged she'd be your type kind of stuff, if she has similar feelings she will let you know if she doesnt then let it rest and keep your friendship and move on.

There is nothing worse than the feeling "only if I had said something"
you only live once.
I have risked it myself, said something to a guy I really fancied (he wasnt even dating anyone) but he didnt feel that way and the guy doesnt even want to be friends now. So I said oh well, and got on with my life. Ya dont need people like that in your life anyway.
A friend is a friend is a friend and they will stick by you no matter what so,
have no fear...everything will work out

CathyMoran

I would have to agree with Beat - is better to have said something (even if it does not work out), a true friend will stick by you no matter what (even if it may be akward for a while). As previously said, I have made a pass at a friend and while it did not work out I am still friends with them...have also made a pass at a friend and they ignored me afterwards (I figure their loss, not mine), but I don't regret it. Surely you are supposed to be friends with your partner in any case...being engaged is a commitment (though leaving it until the day before she gets married is a bit too late!), but it is not the same as being married, so see before it is too late.