Am I too picky? or unlucky?

LegacyUser

Am I just too picky?
I've been posting for a while now, but decided to go incognito today.
The problem I have is a little strange, let me explain.
I split up with the last girl I loved some years back. It had a fairly devastating effect on me. Unfortunately I suffer from Irish Male Syndrome, so instead of dealing with it, I just bottled it up and carried on. I have no problem meeting girls, as I'm sociable and (I assume) reasonably handsome, but I am unable to be intimate spiritually or physically with anyone.
I find, I'll see a girl I like, chat her up, score her, meet her again, and again, and by the time I meet them the fourth/fifth time I've already decided that I no longer want to see them again. On the spiritual side (I use that word because there's a mental aspect to my problems) I can't find that feeling of overwhelming joy that I have felt in the past when I was with someone I really wanted to be with. On the back of that I decide that it's not going to work out; that I'm wasting their time, so I cut them lose. On the mental side, I'm convinced that the sex - while it could be great - is just an act, that it means nothing, and as a direct consequence of this, on the physical side I need drugs to keep me hard. ...not all the time - just at the start.

This (the physical side) is evidently destroying my confidence in bed, and shattering my fragile male ego. The only solution to this is to find a person I love; someone I really want to be with; who I can share everything with. But what am I to do? Stay celibate until hopefully some princess walks into my life to rescue me from my loneliness? or do I actively pursue the single scene (as I'm doing) in the hopes of finding a compatible mate? It appears to be dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. I don't enjoy hurting people; I don't like meeting them a few times and dumping them, it's all a bit wrong for me; it doesn't feel right.

Or am I just too shallow, and looking for a really beautiful woman? One who I can show off to all my friends; someone to make everyone envious of me? One to aggravate my ex?
Anyone feel a similar shallowness?

Sleepy

Looking for women outside the confines of a nightclub might be a good start...

midget lord

you know, STD has a point.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Sleepy
Looking for women outside the confines of a nightclub might be a good start...

I genuinly do, if fact I don't score much in Nite Clubs. I tend to go for house parties/freinds of friends/work collegues. I understand the nite club scene and it's pt falls.

Sleepy

Are you referring to me as STD? or has someone with that username posted and since deleted the post?

midget lord

im referring to you, i assume you post elsewhere under a similar handle?

Sleepy

I post elsewhere under the username Sleep Comes Tomorrow which has been shortened to SCT at times but never STD.

midget lord

ah ok, my mistake, ignore my posts.

I do agree with you on this though.

Zulu

I guess if your not attracted to someone - your not attracted to them. Perhaps you're the opposite of shallow? and these girls really don't do it for you?

Beruthiel

midget lord
please read the charter with regards to posting comments on threads in this forum
B

midget lord

are you referring to the "off topic" bit ruthie?

If so, please accept my humblest apologies, i will be a good midget henceforth.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Zulu
I guess if your not attracted to someone - your not attracted to them. Perhaps you're the opposite of shallow? and these girls really don't do it for you?

TBH I'm quite shallow. I'm definatly physically attracted to them. I wouldn't be bothered otherwise.

CathyMoran

I think that you need to look in different places for the right person - it helps to be friends first...also, slow down - sure, it will be hard loosing a friend if it does not work out, but I hope that it will be better than what you are going through. Love always happens when you least expect it, so start living your life - do things that involve your hobbies and you never know what might happen...best wishes.

dazberry

Originally posted by Shallow Hal

I split up with the last girl I loved some years back. It had a fairly devastating effect on me. Unfortunately I suffer from Irish Male Syndrome, so instead of dealing with it, I just bottled it up and carried on. I have no problem meeting girls, as I'm sociable and (I assume) reasonably handsome, but I am unable to be intimate spiritually or physically with anyone.

That sounds uncanningly familar, and a lot of the rest too. Not that that's any consolation mind.

Shallow. Possibly, but unlikely. Its sounds to me like you're a stage 4. Stage 3 being you've started to date again, but your heart really isn't in it - even if you do start dating with the best of intentions. Stage 4 is the soul searching and analysing phase - where you ask yourself questions like - "Am I shallow" / are my standards to high / am I afraid of commitment etc. - and generally over analyse things. Stage 5 is the realisation of the psychological paradox - you go for what you can't have because you won't get it - hence not disturbing the status quo. By stage 6 you're just set in your ways and couldn't give a sh1t - most of the time. Stages need not be exactly linear btw.

D.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by CathyMoran
I think that you need to look in different places for the right person - it helps to be friends first...also, slow down - sure, it will be hard loosing a friend if it does not work out, but I hope that it will be better than what you are going through. Love always happens when you least expect it, so start living your life - do things that involve your hobbies and you never know what might happen...best wishes.

I think you may have missed the point Cathy - I am living my life, I'm looking in every available avenue. You may be right about the whole slow down point though. Cheers for the advice.

Originally posted by dazberry
That sounds uncanningly familar, and a lot of the rest too. Not that that's any consolation mind.

Shallow. Possibly, but unlikely. Its sounds to me like you're a stage 4. Stage 3 being you've started to date again, but your heart really isn't in it - even if you do start dating with the best of intentions. Stage 4 is the soul searching and analysing phase - where you ask yourself questions like - "Am I shallow" / are my standards to high / am I afraid of commitment etc. - and generally over analyse things. Stage 5 is the realisation of the psychological paradox - you go for what you can't have because you won't get it - hence not disturbing the status quo. By stage 6 you're just set in your ways and couldn't give a sh1t - most of the time. Stages need not be exactly linear btw.

Dazberry - it is a consolation, thanks. It's good to know. Until I went to the doctor about the physical side I was very very worried. I think I'm progressing to stage 5.
Would love to see all the stages (is it just a 1-6 scale?).

CathyMoran

Hope that I did not offend - have survived breaking up from a six year relationship recently myself...I went straight into another relationship instead of mourning - it is a tough call - what I did was admit that I had a recent past to the person that I was dating...

Do not know how you split with your ex but you have to let go - I was head over heals for a guy 7 years ago and I took the path of being friends with him, but I would not recomend that for most people as it still hurts ocassionaly, but loosing the friendship would be worse now...

Good luck with whatever you choose - the one thing I did find though is that love hits you even when you think that you can't...

dazberry

Originally posted by Shallow Hal

Would love to see all the stages (is it just a 1-6 scale?).

TBH I just looked at what I could see as definitive stages that I experienced. Naturally every one is different so different rules apply. Stage 1 - depending on the breakup - is sadness / hurt / mourning / numbness (all bottled in). For me it was like a death and was compounded with guilt for eventually finding another woman simply attractive - nothing more. Stage 2 is anger / blame, and generally other negative native emotions - the dark side depends on the person and their state of mind - and possibly other "external" circumstances.

As a self confessed stage 6 :eek: if I'm emotionally drained or stressed - often I can revisit prior stages briefly. Stage 2 is the one to avoid. I'm beyond the rawness of it all, but I'm not beyond getting irked for things that should just flow off me - when I just feel like packing everything up - disappearing and starting again - but its only me I'd be running any from.

Stage 7 - hopefully that's faith...

But one thing of note and I think its important. These so called stages are not a map. I now realise that perhaps one of my biggest mistakes during all this time were not my actions, but my inactions. I refused to see (or atleast believe) what I should have. Bummer

Best of luck ShallowH

D.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by CathyMoran
Hope that I did not offend - have survived breaking up from a six year relationship recently myself...I went straight into another relationship instead of mourning - it is a tough call - what I did was admit that I had a recent past to the person that I was dating...

Good luck with whatever you choose - the one thing I did find though is that love hits you even when you think that you can't...

Cathy - you certinaly didn't offend; thanks for your honest opinion.
We split some time ago, and are still friends (by that, we pretend to be friends but very rarly meet and avoid each others regular haunts). I couldn't/can't do the whole relationship thing though. I want to, but can't. I just can't open to these people. I'm quickly comming to the conclusion that I'm just going to have to wait for someone to really blow me away.

Originally posted by dazberry
TBH I just looked at what I could see as definitive stages that I experienced. Naturally every one is different so different rules apply. ...
But one thing of note and I think its important. These so called stages are not a map.

Hey Dazberry, I understand your point on the whole "everybody is different", but pass that hymn sheet brother, its like you've just written the last 2 years of my life!

It's a great comfort to see another person has gone through similar effects. I was very worried when the whole physical side kicked in TBH.

Originally posted by dazberry
I now realise that perhaps one of my biggest mistakes during all this time were not my actions, but my inactions. I refused to see (or atleast believe) what I should have. Bummer

I don't follow - what do you mean exactly?

Thanks for your help guys.

CathyMoran

I hope that you find your princess soon - do not give up! Just forget about it for a while, love always happens at the worst possible times and you find yourself powerless to resist...have been in love twice out of the five relationships that I have had - am hoping that 3 will be the charm for me...but then you start to wonder how do you know? It might be an idea to give the slow burners a chance, I knew someone for a year before I dated them and then when I kissed him it was the most magical thing in the world...

Wish I had all the answers for you - all I can do is wish you all the best again.

dazberry

Originally posted by Shallow Hal

It's a great comfort to see another person has gone through similar effects. I was very worried when the whole physical side kicked in TBH.

Glad I could be of help :eek: Some people will of course offer well meaning advice, and then there are those that regardless of everything else think they know all the answers because of their emotionally shallow lives - which all can be a bit hard to take at times. So atleast you know it 'aint just you.

I don't follow - what do you mean exactly?

Post stage 3 - just thinking of one particular girl I met - and convinced myself that we'd only be friends. In retrospect there could have been something more but I refused to see it at the time.

D.