putting down pet dog and trygin to explain it to my young daughter

Gillo

Ok, First of all I don't want to spark a debate on the moral issues or animal rights.

I have to put my dog down next week, which is bad enough without starting the whole debate on the rights and wrongs since I've gone over it enough in my head already. The problem is I have a daughter who will be 3 in september, and obviously have to explain to her about the dog been put down.

Does anyone have any experience doing this or any advice. because of her age she won't understand that he has died so what should I say??

As I have said I don't want to start a debate on the issue of putting the dog down, it's hard enough to deciede to do that. so if you're gonna start one the please f*ck off and start a new thread.

Any advice would be great.

uberwolf

in Friends was Joey not convinced the birds had gone off to live on a farm or something. Maybe you could avoid the whole death thing in your explanation? Particularly as I presume you are living in an urban area (one of the reasons I can think that you'd put down a non-sick dog)

SheroN

Say how it's mother wanted it back and that it's gone back to live with it's mother.

koneko

1If the dog is being put down because he's ill or has an illness that will only worsen then maybe you could explain it in that sense. He's sick and he's going to have to go to sleep, it's better for him, and it's not a bad thing he'll be happier/better off that way.

I know you said you don't want to get into this, but why are you so angry over the possible discussion of putting the dog down? I mean, if the dog is ill or whatever it's the humane thing to do, and it would be the right decision. Just my $0.02. A lot of us have been there, it's not an easy decision to make and it's definitely not a nice time if you have a little girl that's going to be wondering what happened Sympathies.

seamus

Originally posted by koneko
1If the dog is being put down because he's ill or has an illness that will only worsen then maybe you could explain it in that sense. He's sick and he's going to have to go to sleep, it's better for him, and it's not a bad thing he'll be happier/better off that way.

I know you said you don't want to get into this, but why are you so angry over the possible discussion of putting the dog down? I mean, if the dog is ill or whatever it's the humane thing to do, and it would be the right decision. Just my $0.02. A lot of us have been there, it's not an easy decision to make and it's definitely not a nice time if you have a little girl that's going to be wondering what happened Sympathies.

Yep, that's what I was going to say. Question might come up that why don't we put down our own old and sick people, but I would explain that the dog doesn't understand that he's sick, so he'll just be unhappy and miserable, or something along those lines.

If the dog's not sick, don't put it down, give it to someone else. That saves you the explanation for a start.

Gillo

The dog is ill, he's gone blind and needs constant attention, (eg has to actually be held in front of the food bowel to find food, he also managed to walk straight into a pond yesterday).

The descussion I don't mind, it's the "high horse" people who know "that it is completely wrong to kill anything" and that I'll burn in hell. This is the first time I've ever personnally known anyone who has to put a dog down so it's emotional enough for myself.

But thanks for the advice.

Beruthiel

I would also go with koneko’s explaination, kids will always bounce back and telling her the truth is the way to go.
Death is part of life, she will be a little sad but she will also see that the dog is suffering and is much better off asleep, you cannot shield you child from pain all the time, nor should you, it's all part of learning to live.

SheroN

I agree but the kid isn't even 3 yet.

seamus

Originally posted by gillo
The dog is ill, he's gone blind and needs constant attention, (eg has to actually be held in front of the food bowel to find food, he also managed to walk straight into a pond yesterday).

I'm guessing he's probably very old, since that sounds like his sense of smell and hearing have deteriorated too.

The descussion I don't mind, it's the "high horse" people who know "that it is completely wrong to kill anything" and that I'll burn in hell. This is the first time I've ever personnally known anyone who has to put a dog down so it's emotional enough for myself.

But thanks for the advice.

I'd be kind of in that group, vegetarian etc, but most people I've ever met who've been the usual vegetarian, militant anti-cruelty, etc, have always been advocates of euthanasia, both human and animal. *shrug*

koneko

gillo,

Then I really wouldn't worry about any nutjobs that come in and criticise you. It's a lot more cruel to have your pet continue to suffer than to put him/her out of it's misery, and it's not an easy decision to make. Good luck with everything.

L5

Its ok, just explain to her you dont want to care for the dog in its old age, and that she'll be allowed put you down when your old and hard of hearing and having trouble walking :rolleyes:
I wouldnt put a dog down in those circumstances but its your choice

uberwolf

Originally posted by koneko

Then I really wouldn't worry about any nutjobs that come in and criticise you.

Its ok, just explain to her you dont want to care for the dog in its old age, and that she'll be allowed put you down when your old and hard of hearing and having trouble walking

As if on cue

Gurgle

We had the same problem last year when my mother's 18 year old labradoor just couldn't even move around any more. Had to explain it to my then 4 year old son.

No need to tell the child the dog was put down, just that he was old and sick and he died and he is much happier now in doggie heaven.

Originally posted by L5:
Its ok, just explain to her you dont want to care for the dog in its old age, and that she'll be allowed put you down when your old and hard of hearing and having trouble walking

Or you could tell her a troll called L5 ate your dog.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by SheroN
I agree but the kid isn't even 3 yet.

from the word go, I have always found 'straight talking' was the only way to go with mini me

Sleepy

You could just explain that the dog has died without going into the details of you actually putting him down. If you explain that the dog is sick and old and has died in his sleep your daughter should be able to deal with it okay.

Renting out "all dogs go to heavan" might be a good idea...

daveg

Originally posted by gillo
The dog is ill, he's gone blind and needs constant attention, (eg has to actually be held in front of the food bowel to find food, he also managed to walk straight into a pond yesterday).

The descussion I don't mind, it's the "high horse" people who know "that it is completely wrong to kill anything" and that I'll burn in hell. This is the first time I've ever personnally known anyone who has to put a dog down so it's emotional enough for myself.

But thanks for the advice.

Gillo - I can only offer you my condolences. My parents had our sheepdog put down a number of years ago. She was 14/15 years of age and I'd had her since she was a pup. My fúcking heart broke in 2 and I was very upset. Tis a very distressing thing to have to do. No way I could have been there for the event.

Personally I would tell the child that the dog is old and tired/blind etc and that he wants to go to heaven to be with his mother and father/friends etc. This is what we told my son last year when my GF's grandfather died. It is difficult but we all have to learn about death eventually.

Ph3n0m

I was in a similiar situation in that I had to tell my daughter (she was 4 at the time), that my aunt's dog had to be put down.

Granted it wasnt a family pet, but my daughter really took a shine to it, she did cry when I told her but within 20 minutes she was fine, and even asked to go out to play.

What really wrenched the heart strings was she asked to get a card to give to my aunt about how sorry she was for the dog being put down

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Ph3n0m
What really wrenched the heart strings was she asked to get a card to give to my aunt about how sorry she was for the dog being put down

which is great and healthy, she was learning to deal with the situation

tk123

I think you should tell her the truth - that the dog is sick and that it's sad and it wants to go asleep or something like that. Our dog "ran away" when I was little and when I found out years later that he'd been put down I was a really upset that I hadn't been told.

lisa.c

this isnt to sound mean or athen but by next year your daughter will not remember the dog so why inflict the thought of a dead doggy on her i think for time being it is best to tell her that he's gone to a puppy farm or back to his mammy as he missed her.

drusilla

Doggy heaven/back to the farm/gone to live in a castle with a princess that she'll get to visit in a few years.

Do not confront the death issue, she's waayy too young to have to deal with the notion. I got all the above when I was her age and i turned out all right!:D

Good Luck.

PS: Don't let your feelings of guilt project unrealistic emotions on to your three year old daughter. She's just mastered lateral thinking, but if santa still works, so will doggy heaven.

TheWolf

Doggie heavan sounds like the best bet. Better than listening to her writing poetry in a few years along the lines of "I had a cat called snowball, she died, she died..." :dunno:

Etain

Our dog went to live on a farm where she could have plenty of fresh air and running space.
A young child isn't going to obsess over the dog if you don't make a big deal of the situation. Tell her once, and then answer questions if she has any. I'm all for honesty, but a young child doesn't need to be burdened with the grim details.

acous

surely at that age both options would be fairly grim. just because you think death is unpleasant and hard to deal with doesn't mean the kid will find it any more difficult than the dog leaving for good to live on a farm. As someone else said, death is part of life. How you present death could end up with her thinking death is horrible and scary, or it could end up with her accepting it as normal and being stronger for that in the future. It's not a fixed concept. Religion shows us that death can really be taught to mean anything. It's completely up to you.

I would take the realistic but positive approach. It's not an awful thing to inflict on someone that age because death is not neccisarily an awful thing. I genuinely don't see how it's any more of a burden than the dog going away to a farm of no return! *that's* a scary concept, imho

uberwolf

would letting her know in advance, with some time to say goodbye be helpful or counterproductive? which ever it be (farm or dead)

Battlesnake

Renting out "all dogs go to heaven" might be a good idea...

uberwolf raised a valid point. I think you should talk to her before it happens but maybe on the day so that she has time to say goodbye but not enough time to get overly distressed.
I think all children have to have death explained to them at some time and its usually easier for them to deal with if their first experience is with an animal.
Explain to her that everything gets old/sick and their body gets really tired.
Say how the dog 'feels' right now so that she knows hes unhappy and maybe something along the lines of theres a little girl in heaven who needs him and in heaven he'll be happy there, all the pain will be away.
The vet will give him some magic medicine that will take him up to heaven.
Make sure that she knows its a good thing, normal, part of life and she should be happy that the dog will be happy.
Hope that helps, its just a matter of reassuring her that theres nothing to be afraid of. Yes she will probably miss the dog, but as said before she will bounce back!

Etain

just because you think death is unpleasant

I think it's important to remember that we are talking about a child who is not yet three years old.
My daughter was not quite four years old when our dog was hit by a car and dragged a considerable distance down the road. I won't ever forget the condition of the dog when we found her. She was alive, a mess of exposed entrails and bone. On the advice of the vet, we had her put down. My son went along with the dog to say goodbye (he loved that dog), he was older and could better understand why we were putting the dog to sleep. I saw no reason for my daughter to see the dogs' mangled body or hear it's heart-rending cries.
She was not informed of these events. The following morning she was told the farm story. We did not portray the farm as" a farm of no return". It was presented as happy place where the dog could run all she wanted etc...
We did not see this as coddling. I feel the approach to certain topics should be age appropriate. A parent is generally an expert on their child and will choose what's best for that child.
My daughter is a strong and healthy individual who has a good understanding of many concepts, including death as a part of life

I discussed the original post with my daughter to get her opinion. She doesn't remember the dog.

Delphi91

Gillo,

Having read the other posts, the only thing I would say is that you know your own daughter and what she can cope with. Is she particularly close to the dog, or is it "just a dog" to her? That could influence the approach you take.

I don't envy you the task in front of you. I had to do the same a few months back with our cocker spaniel who was 15 years old. She developed a condition called uremia (spelling?) where toxins from the urine were going to her brain and eventually she couldn't stand up, eat, or anything. It was heartbreaking to watch and knowing that she wouldn't get better and was going to suffer, the only thing we could do was to have the vet put her down. I dreaded taking her to the vet, but she passed away just as I was getting the car ready to take her there. She was a real character and we still miss her.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Mike

acous

I don't honestly know what kind of stages of development a child is in at the age of 4, but the points i made i think still stand. Death is not neccisarily a horrible thing. If you had told your daughter that the dog had died (and gone to heaven, if you wish), do you think she would remember the dog?

I saw no reason for my daughter to see the dogs' mangled body or hear it's heart-rending cries.

I dont think anyone would suggest you expose a kid to that. Death isnt a horrible thing, but screams and agony of any creature naturally brings out fear in other creatures. The details of the pain and suffering of the dog arent what i'm talking about.

We did not portray the farm as" a farm of no return".

Again i'm not familiar with how developed a kid is at that age, but what if she had been closer to the dog and asked to visit? or questioned why it wasn't possible for the dog to stay?

Just to clarify, I don't think what you did was bad. I don't think it really matters. Many people believe in a form of magical farm for their entire lives (sorry, it's not my intention to start a religious discussion ) and are perfectly reasonable, capable, well-adjusted human beings. I just happen to believe in looking at things as logically as i can. I always want the truth, and it's not always happy. It's a choice you make.

A parent is generally an expert on their child and will choose what's best for that child.

I have to take issue with this, though. I've seen plenty of terrible parents, and plenty of potentially good kids turned, well, bad. I'm sure you know your children very well, but being a parent doesn't magically give you knowledge on how to best raise kids. I'm not questioning *your* parental skills but this same excuse is used a lot in less trivial situations.

graciek

Maybe i can give a different point of view....i was about 3 when my parents had our dog put down, they told me what was going to happen. but i didn't have enough time to say goodbye etc. so i can remember chasing after the car and being very upset. my parents say if they could have done it again, they would have buried the dog in the garden (yeah a tad creepy.....but sweet) so we (my brother and sister and i) would have had some kind of goodbye. Hope that helped!

ArphaRima

I dont want to be insensitive or anything, but where do farmer's dogs go?

As for what to tell the kid, I think the truth is better if the kid already understands the concept of death. The child will respect you a lot more for it when he/she is older. I know i would have. At 3 yrs old though, sleep is probably a better term..