Is this the right course of action?

Töpher

Hey, I'll get straight into this.

One of my girlfriend(nearly 6 months)'s mates has taken a fancy to being around alot. And I mean alot! He never leaves! Any time I call her (even at 3am), he's there, any time I get to see her, he's there. For about the past month he seems to have lived in her house (11am-2/3am daily!).

Suffice to say, myself and the girlfriend never have any time alone now. To make things worse, the only thing he does is drink cheap wine and cheap cans all day, and talk about drinking cheap wine and cheap cans in between glugs!

Now, I'm not worried about anything sexual between them, due to his preferences, but am I right to be so frustrated? Last weekend for example, we managed to have some time alone in the apartment, until he turned up locked and passed out on the only bed!

I'm beginning to feel like he's a part of our relationship, which is not something I want! I've voiced my fears to my girlfriend, but this does not seem to have done much.

I was meant to be going to see her today, but he (surprise surprise!) turned up, no doubt with some cheap cans and wine in hand, so I said to hell with it, I decided not to go and visit her today, and explained it was because I didn't feel like being stuck around him today. I'm mad about her, but him being around all the time really puts me in foul form.

I've no problems with her seeing him, or even if he's there sometimes when I'm there, but, as I said, everytime I see her, or talk on the phone he's there. :mad: Was I right to demonstrate my POV by refusing to visit today, as anything I say doesn't seem to have an effect. Is there anything you'd suggest I say/do? Thanks guys.

seamus

Originally posted by Einstürzende
Was I right to demonstrate my POV by refusing to visit today, as anything I say doesn't seem to have an effect.

If you told her why, then yeah, that's a perfectly reasonable way of voicing your opinion.

What's her response when you say he's always there?
Why can't you go over to yours, and get away from him?

Töpher

Her response is generally "I know" followed by a topic change. Certain family and household things tend to require her being at/close to home for the most part, so my place is a write off. And as far as going outs concerned, he manages to ruin that too!

seamus

I've never really had to deal with anything like this, but I would think you'll have to take the hardline.

Ring her before you come over. Ask if he's there, if he is, say you're not going to bother. If you're there, and he turns up, go home.

Don't cut off contact altogether, but make sure that
a) She knows that you cant stand him constantly being around (I know how someone being around *all* the time feels), and
b) You do see her regularish, say two nights a week, whether he's there or not.

IMO, you want to find the balance between you and him, i.e. you don't want to make her choose between you and him - you may lose if they've known eachother long - rather you want to make her realise that íf he's going to be around constantly, then she's going to be restricted in seeing you.

The key is to be perfectly open. If she doesn't know that you're leaving or not coming over because he's there, she's going to assume that the problem is with her, especially since the relationship is young.
Make sure she knows (tell her every day if you have to) that you're crazy about her, but are seriously going to end up ramming a cheap wine bottle up this guy's arse if you have to keep seeing him.

Failing that, approach him and ask him to give you some privacy, but depending on the guy's temperment, and relationship with your gf, this is an unpredictable course of action.

Töpher

Thanks man
Will be taking to heart pretty much all of the above and hoping things work out, either way, something must be done! Thanks again Seamus.

tk123

Originally posted by seamus
a cheap wine bottle up this guy's arse if you have to keep seeing him.

Failing that, approach him and ask him to give you some privacy, but depending on the guy's temperment, and relationship with your gf, this is an unpredictable course of action.

Yer man sounds like a bit of a gobsheen so I wouldn't say it to him directly - he'll prob make you out to be really posessive(sp??) Anyhoos what the others said - you should just tell ur gf that your mad abt her and want to spend sometine with her alone - just the two of you...Also does your gf want him around as much as he his - it could be that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by looking like she's taking sides....

munkeehaven

hmmmm a complicated predicament......and you know the way girls are, if this was the other way round you would be getting an earful.there is nothing wrong with her being friends with him and hanging round but there is a difference between that and smothering someone..has she at all said anything along the lines of ''man he is always around''? does she see it in any way as being a problem? you never know,maybe he is just a lonely guy and sees her as a kind of comfort just to be around ,without necessarily having feelings for her. this happened to me before, only it was obvious that something was going on because everytime i went to my (ex) b/f house, this girl was always there, and she never wanted to stay as soon as i arrived,and was always very cold to me. these things are so hard to figure out without stepping on someones toes.....

uberwolf

TBH Seamus is spot on. If you're not happy the relationship is not 'working' as it should be. Even if you're being unreasonable on an issue you have the right to bring it up. If it is reasonable, it is then her responsibility to then deal with it. As she hasn't, you then have to invoke the sanctions, as such. Be clear the reasoning, be sure not to appear petty, don't force a decision between the two of you.
Don't approach your man, wasting your time i reckon, he's already unreasonable and clearly has a problem.

Oriel

Talk. To. Her.

S.

billy the squid

I would concur. You need to talk to the girlfriend about this. If he is around all the time this might prove to be difficult. Have you considered taking her out to a meal and not telling him where you are going. You might find it difficult to talk to her alone if he is living in your ear all the time.

Don't talk to him. If, like you say, he is constantly drunk he may be unpredictable and, like the others said, she may choose his friendship over her relationship with you.

Etain

Has he recently broken up with someone? Is there a special reason she feels sympathetic ? I agree with Seamus, except that I don't advise you to confront him about the situation, he may just make himself more of a pain. He sounds a bit pathetic, so a confrontation may make him look more so ---- she'll be even more sympathetic to him. You might try introducing him to other girls. When you're out and he's with you, introduce him around, then look for a good time to leave-- very quietly. Good Luck!

Fionn101

what Sinecure said ,

and also she's possibly afraid of saying anything to him , it's up to you ..

don't go trying to find him a girl or even become his mate , just tell him that you'd only like him to rear his head once a week , when your not there, stand up for what you want , your not being unreasonable for wanting time alone with your girl.

Just talk to her before anything and let her know what you want aswell, don't do anything to make her take a defensive position on his side.

but a bit of shouting / agro to his face will cause enough tension that he'll not want to be there while you are.

You know , he's probably just looking for somewhere to drink EVERY night, and since he can get away with it (which he has) at your girlfriends place then he will.I'm getting annoyed reading your mail at how much he's taking the absolute p!ss ,

as tempting as it is , violence won't sort anything out ,ever . just give him agro.say it to his face.let there be no doubts.Go get your girl you must be dying for some quality time.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Einstürzende
Her response is generally "I know" followed by a topic change.

Grow a pair of balls, FFS.

You’re hardly being unreasonable to demand some quality time with her while both she (in refusing to discuss it) and her friend (in his behaviour) are. So tell her that this is an issue and that either she talks to him or you will. This will force the issue as changing the subject is not going to make it go away this time.

Of course, she may choose her friend over you, but TBH, if that’s the case, you’re better off.

Zulu

seriously - just tell him to go for a walk.
He's got to feel a little uninvited - and if he dosen't, make him feel it.

fitz

More bollox advice on PI.
Yes, get agro with a lush, that's really gonna be productive.

Seamus is right, confronting this guy won't help.

But that's irrelevant.

This bloke is her mate, and he's coming between you and her.

It's her responsibility to grow a bloody backbone and tell her mate that this pattern of behaviour is not on.

And tbh, Eins, you should probably say it to her, but approach it from a "well, he's not my mate, I can't talk to him about it" kinda way. You'll get the opportunity if you go through with the blanking the place when he's around. She'll ask why, you say it's cause of him, and there'll no doubt be a conversation about what can be done to sort it out.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by fitz
It's her responsibility to grow a bloody backbone and tell her mate that this pattern of behaviour is not on.

Followed by her saying “I know” and changing the subject again, no doubt.

You'll get the opportunity if you go through with the blanking the place when he's around. She'll ask why, you say it's cause of him, and there'll no doubt be a conversation about what can be done to sort it out.

Good chance she won’t ask why. That’s the thing with passive aggressives.

fitz

True TC, at which point, she needs to be told that she has to sort this out, cause it's ruining their time together, and will have an effect on the relationship.

Then, like you said, she's got a choice to make.

Eins or the lush...bit of a no-brainer surely...

The Corinthian

Originally posted by fitz
Then, like you said, she's got a choice to make.

Why does she have a choice to make? After all, simply telling her she has to sort it out is not going to actually make her sort it out, especially if her attitude to date has be avoidance. So, unless you suggest that he uses a “it’s him or me” ultimatum (something which reading his posts I suspect he wouldn’t be able to carry out), it’ll rapidly return to the status quo.

fitz

I dunno...if he goes from seeing her regularly to once a week, or leaving ever time the lush arrives, well, she'll get pissed off fairly damn quick.
As long as he's made it clear from the start why he's not gonna be around, I think her anger/upset will do the work for him, and she'll say something to the boozehound mate.

The alternative is she dumps him, in which case, there's a lot more wrong than her mate being too fond of the sauce...

The Corinthian

Originally posted by fitz
I dunno...if he goes from seeing her regularly to once a week, or leaving ever time the lush arrives, well, she'll get pissed off fairly damn quick.

Yes, she’ll get pissed off with him, not the lush, regardless of whether he’s made things clear or not. Of course, if she’s passive aggressive, she’ll just bottle this in and the whole situation could drag on for ages.

Zulu

on the other-hand, say to the lush you want some time together alone for some "boom-boom" and he's gonna hit off, unless he's a complete knob and want to split you up, in which case would call for more drastic action. I suggest laxitives in his booze.

tk123

Hang on a min guys Einstürzende said there's nothing going on cos of yer mans "prefences" ANYHOOs look Ein....like I said before just tell ur gf that you want to spend some time with her without the other guy in the way....but dont make out that your just after a shag - tell her that you miss spending time with her alone etc etc - maybe meet her for coffee to talk or something like that and then bring it up...don't go confronting the guy - if i found out that my bf told one of my friends to get lost i'd be a bit annoyed..DONT go telling her to choose between the two of you like people are saying cos it won't work out..

Töpher

Nice idea Zulu! Anyone know where to get elephant laxatives? Yeah, thats right tk123, so I don't think introducing him to some nice girls will help!
Thanks for the replies guys. Brought it up in full force last night, which didn't go down too well! Turns out that this was because yesterday (the day I refused to visit due to his presence) was the day she told him to back off! :rolleyes: Which I can undertsand her point of view of, and things calmed down as she understood more clearly what I was saying and why I did what I did (to spend more quality time with her). So I'm happy enough with the outcome, he won't be there everytime I see her, so we'll have some quality time together (and I'll be in better moods when he ain't there pissing me off ).

Thanks

tk123

hoooo-raaaaaaaay Boards is just full of happy endings today!!!

Sleepy

If it starts to go back to the way it was, start buying tickets for things and surprising your girlfriend with 'em. That way you get the girlfriend to yourself,the lush should start to find other friends to annoy while you're out for the events and you just come accross as being Mr. Nice Guy

Töpher

Heh, if I wasn't living on €15 a week that'd be a great idea!

Typedef

Generally, go for the politik avenue.

If politics fail, take the confrontational approach.

However, rather then have a go at her, if I were you, I'd have a word with the chap.

Something along of the lines of "Do you fancy my bird.... What was that you said about my ma?" plus use of a blunt object.

At a very, primal level, you have a male musceling in on your woman and daring you to do, something about it.

You can, attempt to confront your girlfriend about it, but, most likely the argument (and from the intonation of things in the thread to date, it would seem to be an argument would be the result of direct girlfriend confrontation), would be hanging in the air and be a wedge driven between you and your girl in the future.

My advice is to take her 'mate' aside and expalin to him in whatever way you have to, that you will visit her on days x, y and z, and as far as you're concerned that is time between you and herself, not between the 'three' of you.

Get him to agree to that, and don't pussy foot around with "It's not that I dont' like you" crap, just tell him, you're idea of spending time with your girlfriend *doens't* include him, then point him in the direction of the door.

Fitz is right though, make sure he's not shitfaced when you do that, because, if he's drunk, you'll just get into a brawl, with some alocholed moron.

I doubt your girlfriend ability, desire or perhaps even 'agreement' in asserting that el-drunko goes away and as the err, man in the relationship, it's actually 'your role' to get rid of this leech, if you're girlfriend doesn't have the uhh... balls to do it.

EDIT:

Just read the rest of the thread. Hid behind the girlfriend huh?

Go you.

rar!