Poem: The Pack, The Goddaughter

Shad0r

Alright some more of my crazed scratchings:

This first piece I have changed god knows how many times. For some reason I havent been able to get it to flow as well as I would like. I think the problem was originally each stanza/verse had five lines. So I broke it into smaller parts. Anyway I hope it flows better now than it did before...


The Pack

Yonder the beast stood,
Long sharp fangs,
The colour of blood,

Will he move?
How I wish he would.

His nose to the ground,
His misty breath,
Fear without bounds,

I see death,
Come to me, from all around.

His dark matted hair,
His yellow eye,
Horror hung thick amidst the air.

With a monster’s smile,
He came for me,
Running the half mile,

I was ignorantly,
Dumb, of the pack’s guile.

The end had many faces,
Light and dark,
None with any graces,
Ugly eye and bark,

The wolves were on me, in but a few paces.

---

This one's a little more light hearted and transparent. Written, and heres a big suprise, about my godchild.

The Goddaughter

A big open smile
A small little laugh
A time to beguile
A time to be daft

Your soft silk banter
Or your loud chatter
Your questioning looks
Your fairy tale books

All the fluffy toys
Will not be too long
Too soon there’ll be boys
Innocence all gone

Take care little one
Cause life is a gun
But it can be great
When spent free of hate

With happiness too
And plenty for you
I’ll always be here
You need never fear.

---

As always all constructive feedback welcome...

Battlesnake

I liked both.
You're right though there is something that isn't clicking about 'The pack'

When I started off reading it, it came across as being about some sort of mythical creature that was going about eating villagers cattle and was finally going to meet its doom ie. having a weapon aimed at it unknowingly.

The lines:

Will he move?
How I wish he would.

Its like you were standing there with them, wanting the animal to get away even though it had done so much damage. Like I kind of felt sorry for it!

Then by about stanza six I started to get confused and obviously by the end had figured out it was about a pack of wolves after you and not the other way around. . . . .

Though what I'd thought originally seemed to fit better and touched me more.
Kind of by the end of it I was thinking 'Ok so he got killed, but is the wolf alright?!'
I think maybe if there was more written about how you were feeling mixed in with descriptions of the wolf, (Lets face it, if there were a pack of wolves after you, you'd be s*#ting yourself!) it would be further improved. . . .

In saying that its a grower and the more I read it, the more I can see why you've worked on it so much.

I especially liked 'The Goddaughter'

I loved the lines

Your questioning looks
Your fairy tale books

It would be such a lovely thing if you got it engraved into a piece of jewelry or something for her to get when shes older, its really cool that you wrote it about her

Only thing I would suggest is that you somehow change the word 'beguile' into something like 'tell stories' (even though stories doesn't rhyme with smile). Cos kids aren't deliberately devious really . . . .seems too strong or grown up.
Also Cause life is a gun scared the sh*t out of me, so you might wanna tone that down a little bit!

A really lovely lovely sweet poem.
I’ll always be here
You need never fear.
I'd be really chuffed to have a godfather like you.

Please keep posting, your work makes me feel all enthusiastic and I want to write more. I feel you've so much more to write about, so much more to give
and I can't wait to see how your writing will progress.

P.S. To all those who think I've lost the plot - had one too many glasses of wine and am in the mood to babble

DriftingRain

The Goddaughter

AWWWWWWWWww..

I LOVED IT!

Show us more!!!

~DR~