It that time again....

Capt'n Midnight · 15-07-2004 1:27pm #1

It just had to be done...

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: Because ten inches isn't enough.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.

Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you lost them.

Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: Because the white ones get dirty too fast.

Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.

Q: Why do elephants float on their backs?
A: So they don't get their tennis shoes wet.

Q: What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish ,clomp,clomp,clomp, swish..?
A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe!

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a taxi?
A: Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back)

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi?
A: None, it's full of elephants.

Q: What sport do elephants play in a taxi?
A: Squash.

Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it.

Q: How do you put an elephant into refrigerator?
A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.

Q: How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator?
A: Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Q: How can you tell when there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: Blue tennis shoes are left outside.

Q: How can you tell when there are two elephants in you refrigerator?
A: It's rather hard to close the door.

Q:How can you tell when there've been four elephants in your refrigerator?
A:There's a taxi waiting outside.

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: Fridge is not large enough to hold them all.

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.

Q: How do elephants get up into oak trees?
A: They sit on an acorn and wait.

Q: How do elephants get down from oak trees?
A: They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

Q: Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat?
A: They walk under trees in Autumn.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient!

Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why are the pygmies so small?
A: They can't tell time!

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A: Cold ones.

Q: What is convenient and weighs 18 tonnes?
A: A six-pack of elephants.

Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
A: For carrying their library cards.

Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
A: From playing marbles...

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a gorilla?
A: A sore gorilla.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: What do you say when an elephant sneezes?
A: "Gezundheit."

Q: How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He asks if you accept Visa.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q: Why do elephants travel in herds?
A: Because if they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep.

Q: What looks like an elephant and flies?
A: A flying elephant.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?
A: Grapes are purple.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant if you're color blind?
A: Dance on it for awhile. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant.

Q: What did the grape say when the elephants stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did he say when he saw elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw giraffes with sunglasses on coming over the hill?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Q: What did the elephants say when they saw Hannibal coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, elephants can't talk.

Q: What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw three elephants in sunglasses coming down the path?
A: Voila les elephants.

Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants over the hill?
A: "Here comes a bunch of grapes over the hill". She was colourblind.

Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
A: About three thousand miles.

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
A: You don't know?
I'll never give you a letter to post!

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.

Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks!!

Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: To spit on burning elephants!!

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?
A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.

Q: Why do elephants wear green nail polish?
A: So they can hide in a pea patch.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green and orange?
A: So they can hide in smartie boxes.

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? - works doesn't it !

Q: By the way, what is the black triangle sticking out of the custard?
A: It's a shark. That's why the elephants hide...

Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?
A: to hide in cherry trees.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

Q: What makes the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: Monkeys eating the cherries.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!

Q: Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: There are no yellow elephants.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.

Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

TomTom · 15-07-2004 1:37pm

Oh man I laughed hard at alot of them, but hey it's my kind of humour

Capt'n Midnight · 15-07-2004 5:38pm

Q: Why don't elephants drink martinis?
A: Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?

Q: How do you run over an elephant?
A: Climb up it's tail, dash to it's head and slide down its trunk.

Q: How do you get down off an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down off a duck.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: What sound you get when you drop an elephant down a mineshaft?
A: A-flat minor.

Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp?
A: A-flat major.

Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant down a shaft ?
A: A-flat minor.

Q: What did the musical elephant say to the knife ?
A: B-Sharp.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: Why do elephants have big ears?
A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Q: What is grey and lights up?
A: An electric elephant.

Q: What is grey, has big ears, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on holidays!

Q: What is brown, has big ears, and a trunk?
A: The mouse coming back from holidays!

Q: Dow do you stop a herd of elephants from charging?
A: Take away their credit-cards.

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Q: Why do elephants need trunks?
A: Because they don't have glove compartments.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.

Q: What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: An elephant going on vacation.

Q: What's brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: The same elephant, coming back from vacation.

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.

Q: How does an elephant get out of a phone booth?
A: The same way he got in.

Q: Why do elephants have wrinkles?
A: Ever tried to iron an elephant?

Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
A: Take out all the matches first.

Q: What does an elephant smell like before he takes a shower?
A: An elephant.

Q: What does an elephant smell like after he takes a shower?
A: A wet elephant.

Q: What do you call elephants who ride on trains?
A: Passengers.

Q: What did the elephant say when he walked into the bar?
A: Ouch.

Q: Where do baby elephants come from?
A: Big storks.

Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What is grey and not there. A: No elephants.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Six, two in the back and fore legs in front.

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: Why are chickens white and elephants grey?
A: So you can tell them from bluebirds.

Q: Why don't elephants ride bicycles?
A: They don't have thumbs to ring the bell.

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Take two scoops of ice-cream, coca cola and one elephant.

Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming?
A: They only have one pair of trunks between them.

Q: Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towl?
A: Because they were wet!

Q: Why don't elephants like blue lace petticoats?
A: Who says they don't like them?

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 8kph

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the bear.

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical?
A: Trunkquilizers.

Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants?
A: The Tusk Fairy.

Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go?
A: Pachydermatologists.

Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
A: By 'elephone.

Q: What's red & white on the outside, and grey on the inside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.