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Poems: Crazy Beautiful, The Friend

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  • 13-07-2004 7:33pm
    #1
    Shad0r
    Registered Users Posts: 1,166 ✭✭✭


    I've always had a rocky relationship with poetry. It's kind of a love/hate kind of thing; sometimes I have contempt for it and sometimes I'll read a poem that inspires a 180 degree change in my views.

    At any rate, writing peotry is undoubtedly theraputic so here are two pieces I instructed the filthy monkeys in my brain to write*. Both are on a subject I havent written poetry about before and as such the team of monkeys were a little unsure how to approach the whole thing.

    Anyway for your comments:

    Crazy Beautiful

    It’s how you affect people
    When you walk by
    Your beautiful smile shines
    So please never cry

    It’s your delicate touch,
    Your tanned hand,
    Those deep dark eyes,
    Lounging on the sand.

    Will I ever be privy,
    To your mystery?

    ----

    The Friend

    Of all the girls I’ve half-known,
    On me the most you have grown,
    Now I have a choice I can’t make,
    One I’ll have to, for my own sake.

    Do I speak of what’s on my mind,
    Or would I better leave it behind,
    Abandoned, empty, free of risk
    Be gone, that chance, that possible kiss?

    And if I do choose to open up,
    How would I save us from being broken up,
    Friendship approaching final destination,
    Up next folks: a test of determination.

    It’s not just that your beautiful, but look at you,
    Or how when I’m with you, it’s always new
    It’s not just that you’re so simply cool and laid back,
    It’s how when our eyes meet, my heartbeat’s a racetrack.

    There are many things I would like to do with you,
    I really hope that you want to do them too,
    To see sunset on a beach, arm in arm on the sand,
    To watch a movie, or go dancing to a live band.

    What will come of this fantasy,
    And where will we both be,
    When I ask you what I must,
    God, help me not to ruin your trust.

    ----

    *I dont really have filthy monkeys in my brain. They are actually quite clean for the most part.


Comments

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    #2
    BEAT
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,945 ✭✭✭BEAT


    well done, please share some more :)


  • Options
    #3
    Battlesnake
    Registered Users Posts: 96 ✭✭Battlesnake


    Loved crazy beautiful. I'm no expert so you can tell me to sod off if you wish.

    Was thinking that the word tanned seems too harsh compared to delicate because this girl sounds like a butterfly or something as perfect. . . . .
    Just a suggestion . . . . sun - kissed sounds more feminine, to me anyways.
    Plus would tie in with line three
    Your beautiful smile shines

    Sun shines. . . . sun kissed??!!

    Also the line
    Lounging on the sand.

    doesn't seem to fit somehow. . . . . . how can her eyes lounge on the sand . . . . .

    Will get back to you if I come up with anything. . . .

    I also loved the friend, but found it didn't read as fluidly. . . heres my ideas on it. . .
    do what you want with them, or just ignore. I really think you have talent.

    Of all the girls I’ve ever known,
    On me you have overgrown,
    Now I have a choice to make,
    One I’ll have to, for my sake.

    Do I speak what’s on my mind?
    Or should I leave it all behind?
    Abandoned, empty, free of risk (Loved this line)
    Be gone, that chance, that perfect kiss?

    And if I choose to speak my mind
    How would I save us from divide?
    Friendship approaching final destination,
    Now, a test of my determination.

    It’s not just that your beautiful. . . .
    But look at you,
    Or how when I’m with you, it’s always new
    It’s not just that you’re so simply cool and laid back,
    It’s how when our eyes meet, my heartbeat’s a racetrack.

    There are many things I would like to do. . . .
    I really hope that you want them too,
    To see sunset on a beach, arm in arm in the sand,
    To watch a movie, go dancing to a live band.

    What will come of this fantasy?
    What will happen?
    Where will we be?
    When I ask you what I must,
    God, help me not to ruin your trust.


    I barely changed anything there at all. Mainly the line
    On me the most you have grown,

    I thought needed an extra kick, cos its like she hasn't just grown on you. . . you're so into her that its like shes overgrown your heart and you're completely smitten!
    It’s not just that your beautiful, but look at you,
    Or how when I’m with you, it’s always new
    It’s not just that you’re so simply cool and laid back,
    It’s how when our eyes meet, my heartbeat’s a racetrack.

    I loved this verse and its so obviously honest and from your heart that it really touched me. . . . so refreshing to find a man that can express his feelings like this. Keep up the god work. BS x


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    #4
    Shad0r
    Registered Users Posts: 1,166 ✭✭✭Shad0r


    Thanks for the feedback.

    To be perfectly honest I've already revised both poems a couple of times since I posted them here. Next time I'll wait until I've done that before showing you guys :)

    Both were written about the same person and to remain true to their message I have to be careful how I edit them. Some people have journals for keeping their sanity, I have poetry :) Very few people will probably ever read my scribblings but I know some day, in the distant future, I might again.


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