Improv poetry

Shanannigan

just deserts

i got a land, oh to hold your hand
but you demand and me repremand(please correct me if i splelt this wrong)

but not undeserved for i was unreserved
and now my head is disturbed and i'm deeply preturbed(this one too)



it's short and i'm not sure if i've said exactly what i want to say... but try it... don't do an initial draught... just post it impromptu here... and see what ya come up with.. the stuff of mine i like the most is stuff that comes when you just feel, it may be emotional drivel to most that read it, but isn't that poetry in it's truest sense? like life you take it as it comes

Shanannigan

at least tell me if it's a load of sh*te... i deserve some feedback surely

Shanannigan

fear hate loathesome fate
best mate ingraciate


broken scattered thoughts have i
blundered scribbles intensify
raw feelings
this is crap... and i'm forcing it at his point so i'll return to it later

and apologies for previous post... although opinions if constructive can help it's important not to depend on them as i sometimes find myself doing

Shanannigan

Forget the thoughts i've laid before you
hang out the words that may mislead you
put away expressions that might bely me
find new things to mystify me

swallow whole and choke upon these
things that may appear beyond ease
climb the obstacles to get there
suit yourself in things that seem fair

munkeehaven

maybe you could try to vary the rhythm of your rhyme...
i see too much jumbled into every line...:p


(but still good):)

ykt0di9url7bc3

Originally posted by Shanannigan
just deserts

i got a land, oh to hold your hand
but you demand and me repremand

but not undeserved for i was unreserved
and now my head is disturbed and i'm deeply preturbed

Fall with me, tell me kind
Happy to take what I find

My heart falling fast, rising Fear
falling close, falling oh so near

i got a land, oh to hold your hand
but you demand and me repremand

but not undeserved for i was unreserved
and now my head is disturbed and i'm deeply preturbed

Mind tears through heart and yells traitor
am I falling or are you getting closer?



how about that for improv??

Shanannigan

exactly the idea of the thread... it's kind of a personal exercise to help get my creative mind working on tap.... and all contributions are encouraged.... like anything you learn these things by drawing on the experience and techniques of the seasoned poets.....

and munky... thats the idea behind the first few attempts... get all the crap thats cloggin the pipes out so the substancial stuff can flow freely

munkeehaven

yeah...i wasnt criticising though... just wanted an excuse to rhyme my words!!:p

Battlesnake

Heres my take on it. . . .

Just deserts

I've reached land
Oh to hold your hand
But your demands, your reprimands
Have left me stranded here on this stretch of sand

Alas this wicked abandonment was not undeserved
For indeed my behaviour blatantly unreserved
Inside the waters of my being are churning
All calm has been disturbed
At the bottom of my ocean burning
My blackened soul lies deeply perturbed

Alone here on this island
Diminished is my worth
I've no one here to comfort me
I've got my just deserts

cleareyed

Just deserts isn't half bad. It's rap more than "poetry" and that's no bad thing. You should keep at it until you get it finished. See where it takes you and enjoy the trip.