Cheap Pizza

dod

Eating on a budget does not present too many insurmountable problems for the single man- bolognaise a couple of times a week; a packet of powdered soup and a sliced pan occasionally; a decent fry-up will never break the bank; tea and toast if the finances are really tight. Perhaps the greatest debate is whether to choose the chicken or the pepperoni pizza; whether to succumb to the indulgence of the special offer bottle of wine; or indeed considering the thorny issue as to how necessary one square meal a week really is.

On Thursday night, I wandered into the local supermarket, the object being to buy some sort of victuals for supper. I came across an own-brand “Meat Feast” pizza. For the sake of protecting the guilty, the store in question shall remain anonymous, but the name of the supermarket concerned begins with the letter… “Tesco”. I got home in time for the evening news, stuck the pizza in the oven for the recommended fifteen minutes and tucked in.

For a few euro, you really don’t expect much. Something filling, with some semblance of being vaguely edible, and a suggestion of flavour- the demands of those of us who shop at this level do not set too high a hurdle for the supplier. Tom Doorley I am not, so I lack his eloquence in describing what exactly was deficient in this pizza. However I would dearly love to read a critique by him of one of these gastronomic marvels.

The dough tasted like a well-worn mattress from a rent-by-the-hour hotel. I had no idea that my jaw had so many muscles, but if mastication were an Olympic sport, I’d be the Eddie-the-Eagle of the Irish team. If only that magazine with the raunchy adverts were still around, I’d be able to advertise unbeatable oral massages of athletic thighs, and I’d keep myself in shape by eating these pizzas a few times a week. (Terms and conditions apply. The stipulation that the thighs be female is first and foremost. This offer is subject to availability… and, eh, the suitability of your thighs for the suggested procedure…)

Dough aside, the pizza topping had all the consistency of a telephone directory. It had the flavour of a well-trodden carpet- a cheap well-trodden carpet. In the supermarket, there was something that, in my naivety, I mistook for pepperoni. I chewed on it. And then I chewed on it some more. Using my fingers, I stretched it out like an eight year old trying to nauseate his elders might do with chewing gum. What it was intended to taste like eludes me even now, but it had the consistency of draylon armchair upholstery.

In fairness to the pizza, not everything about it was bad. It is important to underline what positives there were to be taken from the experience, so I would like to unambiguously state that it was hot. I usually demolish a pizza in a matter of minutes. In theory, if there were a female dining companion, I would eat unhurriedly and enjoy the food as an accompaniment to her delightful company. Of course, my suggestion as to how I might behave is very much conjecture, as the female guest scenario has never been tested in the fire of reality. Ten minutes out of the oven, ninety percent of the pizza remaining, and it was still very warm. If the own-brand pizza were to be relabelled, I could see it flying off the shelves as household insulation.
I am not a fussy eater. I survived a boarding school diet of black potatoes, uncooked beans and, even once, a boiled egg curry. The school matron dispensed paracetamol as a cure for everything- from headaches to ingrown toenails to black eyes; paracetamol was even the cure for food poisoning caused by boiled egg curries. Until now, I thought that I had a stomach of iron and a constitution of steel. I looked down on fussy eaters or people who turned their noses up at such delights as devilled kidneys. Now however, I have found the gourmet wonder that has put me in my place - own brand pizza.

Occasionally these people visit me that I do not like. I have never done anything to encourage them to come. When they come, I do nothing to encourage them to stay. When they eventually condescend to leave, I don’t ask them back. A few weeks later, nothing is more certain than that they will turn up unannounced on my doorstep again. Now I have a new weapon in my armoury- next time they come, I am going to welcome them with open arms, and cook them up a few of these pizzas.

If they come back after that, I’m going to move house.

Oriel

Best post in a long time!
Thanks dod.

Repli

Dunnes own brand pizzas are lovely - the fresh ones

Kêrmêttê

This post both entertained and intrigued me. I sympathise with you for the stressful ordeal you unknowingly embarked upon. Little does anyone know what delights will emerge from own brand packaging!

May I suggest another practical use for these gastronomic delicasies...
When your unwanted visitors arrive, load the oven with the offending cheap pizzas, allow the scintillating aroma stimulate your "guests" taste buds... then fling the pizzas out the front door "fris-bee style" and pray the greedy buggers run after them. You can then safely slam the door after their exit! Good plan eh?

Also, can you aquire for me the recipe for boiled egg curry? I have a few "guests" of my own that I'll be forced to entertain in the near future.
I reckon boiled egg curry and fairy liquid cappuchino's will be on the menu that night!

vibe666

at the opposite end of the spectrum, tesco's own brand packet noodles aren't that dissimilar to the koka packet noodles.

koka are about 60c and 2 packs will fill just about any hungry 'can't cook, won't cook' type person with relative ease 5 mins in the microwave with 200ml of water is all it takes to cook them.

the tesco's ones cook in the same time and look and taste more or less the same when you are eating them (apart from the chicken ones which taste mildly of fish for some reason) but they cost a miniscule 15c per packet. you can thereofre feed yourself for 30c. chuck a couple of slices of toast in there and you have yourself a full blown meal.

just my 2c.

or 30.

jor el

I often buy Tesco frozen thin and crispy pepperoni pizzas (in the red box) and they've always been good. Except for never being enough cheese on it, which is easily remidied by grating some, I've never had a problem. I often add sweetcorn and chicken too. Was it the thin or think base one you had? Fresh or frozen?
Funny story though

mycroft

Dunnes own brand pizzas are lovely - the fresh ones

Concur, but the bacon and mushroom ones are minging.

Dod you sell yourself short you'd be a better food critic than the sap which does the sunday indo.

I once cooked a pizza, took two bites and realised I forgot to take off a styrafoam base.

It's the fact that it took two bites for me to notice that bothers me.

robbie1876

Fantastic post.

Gastrotastic pizza.

Micheal Wittman

Excellent post

Great grasp of english there.

You made something out of nothing and made it interesting

Herr Krupp Of Essen

gonker

love the post made me laugh......try this......8oz plain four 1 teaspoon salt, drop of olive oil 1/4pt of tepid water. 1 sachet of yeast mix together bash the fook out of it....its great to get anger out. put on a pizza tin top with tin of chopped tomatoes mozzarella cheese and anything else you fancy...leave to rise for a while in a warm place.....cook in oven for about 20mins to half an hour 220c....yummy much nicer than frozen pizza and prob cheaper and no styrofoam base.:D

Raskolnikov

Goodfellas Delicia is, in my humble opinion the best frozen pizza you can buy. It comes in a green, thinner box rather than the normal red one for bog standard Goodfellas.

The worst pizza on the market has to be the Super-Valu own brand pap. I'm not normally a fussy eater, but that pizza (if you could call it that) went straight into the bin.

Raz

I'd have to say my favourite pizza of the frozen variety is the goodfellas ciabatta ones, Stone oven baked. Especially scintilating if you add fresh sliced tomatoe and some extra cheese. At somewhere around €3.50 you're not getting a bad deal considering the equivalent dominos would cost at least €12. I do love my dominos though!

The Real B-man

those pizza ritorante pizzas from Dr otker are lovely real food

Tommy Vercetti

Superb post

I usually go for the stonebaked margherita (think it's Gino Ginelli), being an evil vegetarian hippy limits my choice

Sarky

No no no. Aldi deep pan mini pizzas. Sex with tomato purée. Or something along those lines.

accensi0n

VERY funny post but you can't knock all own brand pizzas.
Super Value pizzas are amazing.

flogen

superquinn pizzas are damn nice (sloppy guiseppe their called, or something).

if you save up for a week or two, splash out on a Chicago Town Pizza... oh they are sexual.

And lidl noodles aint half bad, either.

flogen

munkeehaven

mmm i love lidl for chocolates,sweets and big german sausages.
except i dont like when i find blonde hairs embedded in the pseudo-weetabix and a dead centipede in the spaghetti carbonara. only happened twice though. the icecream is delish too.

Guy:Incognito

Originally posted by jor el
I often buy Tesco frozen thin and crispy pepperoni pizzas (in the red box) and they've always been good. Except for never being enough cheese on it, which is easily remidied by grating some, I've never had a problem. I often add sweetcorn and chicken too. Was it the thin or think base one you had? Fresh or frozen?
Funny story though

I eat those aswell, very tasty. I think the ones he means are the white boxed ones, truely menant for the poor, those. Dont mean to offend anyone there.


You cant beat the goodfellas Delicia pepperoni, my god are they tasty.

benz

fantastic post. The tears were running down my face with the laughter

tk123

Try the Tesco pizza in the chilled Italian section - they're square and goooooooood eatin'

Tommy Vercetti

Originally posted by tk123
Try the Tesco pizza in the chilled Italian section - they're square and goooooooood eatin'

they look good but they're kinda tasteless imo

Basq

Goodfella's Spicy Chicken Ciabatta
Goodfella's Ham & Mushroom Ciabatta
Dr. Oetker's Ristorante Pollo

My 3 favourite pizza's!

All that's left in the freezer now is my sister's Goodfella's Feta Cheese & Sundried Tomato Ciabatta pizza!

It really is as appetising as it sounds!!.... :rolleyes:

Makaveli

Chicago Town are my pizza of choice at the moment.
Can't stomach Goodfellas at all anymore, they put me off eating pizza for months.

munkeehaven

apparently the italian pizza dudes in that country are getting pissed off with how pizza is made all around the world and they want it totally revamped.i would like to taste an actual genuine italian pizza.when i was in germany i went to an italian eaterie and had..i forget the name but it was these huge pasta pipes with cheese,tomatoe and mincemeat..it was nice....i love the way in germany everyone says ciao....ciao bella!

Kêrmêttê

Originally posted by munkeehaven
i went to an italian eaterie and had..i forget the name but it was these huge pasta pipes with cheese,tomatoe and mincemeat..it was nice....[/i]

That's pasta carbonara if I'm not mistaken... quite yummy actually

I had pizza in Rome... very nice... although when you buy a slice in a take away pizzeria you have to remember to ask them to heat it up for you... but cold pizza is nice to snack on walking down the street in the scorchy hot summer

CareBear

I decided to try the new deepdish pizza for a "change". It was completely skank! Yuck! Never tasted anything like it :dunno:

munkeehaven

no carbonara is ham,cream, cheese and bacon...what i had was called cannonelli or something like that.

Lucutus

Very entertaining post dod...

...although, you have tasted more furniture than anyone I know.

Luc

flogen

Originally posted by Lucutus
Very entertaining post dod...

...although, you have tasted more furniture than anyone I know.

Luc

wow... a 6th admin.... why arent you listed on the front page with all the others?

flogen

LoneGunM@n

Originally posted by benz
fantastic post. The tears were running down my face with the laughter

I concur!

Goodfella's thriple cheese feast pizzas are well tasty ... which is weird 'cause I hate cheese

tk123

Originally posted by basquille

Dr. Oetker's Ristorante Pollo
:

Where can you get them?

Basq

Originally posted by tk123
Where can you get them?

The only place i've seen them is Dunnes Stores.

Picture of box below:

Very tasty pizza!!

littleninja

Very entertaining, worryingly accurate and well written... the home brand pizzas I've tasted pretty much taste like cardboard :dunno:

Kêrmêttê

Originally posted by munkeehaven
no carbonara is ham,cream, cheese and bacon...what i had was called cannonelli or something like that.

DOH! Yeah... you're quite right... Damn me and my malfunctioning senile alcohol addled brain!

joseph brand

this guy sure can write.

Well done dod.

OLDYELLAR

yea dunnes own brand pizzas are lovely , the worst cheap pizza`s are them big am cant think of the brand but the name of the one i got was bacon combo in this kind of big purple box , absolutely stink!

fjon

Does anyone remember those little pizzas you used to have as a kid? They were around 4-5 inches diameter, had a really thick doughy base, and came in a plastic bag, similar to what you get a sliced pan in. Those things were fairly minging! Do they still sell them?

Selik

I actually really like the pizzas that you can order over the counter in Tesco, you know the one where you can decide exactly what you want on it and the size etc... I can't quite put my finger on it but there's something absolutely delicious about them.

Pity you can't weigh them yourself these days... Ha, I once remember getting some seriously sketchy looks from the girl at the checkout a good few years ago when she scanned in a 12" pizza which weighed a ton - it only cost about £2.00 of the old money or something when it should have been at least 3-4 times that!!!

Tommy Vercetti

Originally posted by fwk
Does anyone remember those little pizzas you used to have as a kid? They were around 4-5 inches diameter, had a really thick doughy base, and came in a plastic bag, similar to what you get a sliced pan in. Those things were fairly minging! Do they still sell them?

hahahah yes I remember those things, they are still around, I think I saw them in Tesco not so long ago, they used to have a tiny cube of ham on them

flogen

Originally posted by Tommy Vercetti
hahahah yes I remember those things, they are still around, I think I saw them in Tesco not so long ago, they used to have a tiny cube of ham on them

were they not the old Gino Ginelli pizzas?

flogen

Tommy Vercetti

Originally posted by flogen
were they not the old Gino Ginelli pizzas?

flogen

no no, they used to come in a bag with 9 "pizzas", Gino Ginelli was positively upmarket next to them.

flogen

Originally posted by Tommy Vercetti
no no, they used to come in a bag with 9 "pizzas", Gino Ginelli was positively upmarket next to them.

oh jesus, i remember them.... they were muck! I had some of them not too long ago (by not too long I mean about a year or two).

bleuh...

flogen

Selik

Gino Ginelli used to have the nicest frozen pizzas ever! They were about 9" and they were pretty much just cheese and tomato and some herbs. The base was really thin and crispy as well (and also slightly hollow).

Gino Ginelli please please please bring them back!

Basq

Yeah, i remember cooking them under the grill as a young 'un

Used to love the Ham & Bacon ones.

Think they were Dunnes own brand actually!

I actually really liked them!!