Family Issues

LegacyUser

Hey,
This isn’t so much a question as much as an outlet for some crap that’s been happening over the years.
Anyway, I’m a male, in my late teens, about to start college in September. I’m in the middle in the family, and have really just been ignored up until now. It’s not like I was ever crying out for attention or anything up until now, I just wasn’t bothered with it. That’s not really the problem though – it’s more the mind fcuks that my parents love to do. Ever since I can remember, since I was maybe four of five years old, they’ve always tried to put us on these huge guilt trips all the time. Obviously at the time it just seemed normal, but now, when I look back, it’s obvious what they were doing. Always trying to make us feel guilty about things we had no control over – one of my parents constantly blames us (albeit discreetly – but it’s obvious what they’re doing) for their heart disease and subsequent surgery. They smoked, ate unhealthily, didn’t exercise, yet it’s still our fault that they’re so sick. This probably doesn’t seem like a very big issue, and maybe even normal for someone trying to deal with a life-threatening disease; but it’s just one example of what’s been happening for years. It probably makes me seem selfish, but I don’t even know what to think anymore. All these mind games and falseness has given me major trust issues – I can’t actually bring myself to trust anybody anymore. I spend most of my time inside, trying to avoid interacting with other people, especially family members. It’s also made me paranoid – always trying to think about the ulterior motives people have for saying or doing things.
Up until recently, I didn’t think it was much of an issue, just thought it was normal family stuff going on – until a sibling admitted being suicidal. One of my parents’ responses to this was that my sibling was being selfish and ungrateful – a reaction that kind of said “how dare you try and take peoples sympathy from me”. They proceeded to scream at the sibling, reminding them of how hard the parent works and the usual crap. Whatever kind of reaction it was, it definitely wasn’t one of an understanding parent.
This post may not make much sense… but like I said, I can’t even begin to describe it properly; my mind is just a mess. Right now, all I want to do is get out of the house, move away for college and not have to deal with these people again.
I’d appreciate any advice/comments people have.

Etain

You didn't mention the age of your sibling, is he or she enrolled in school? Are there mental health counselors at the school or in your local area? They need to speak with someone very soon. Go with them, it will help you to talk to someone too. When you get to college, make it a point to meet the mental health counselor (there will be one) . It will help you to talk with someone. You aren't crazy, but it can make you feel crazy when you deal with mental cruelty , it's easy to forget what "normal" is. You probably won't be able to change your parents, but you can help yourself and your siblings in dealing with them.
Find out where there's help in your area and access that help.

Victor

Originally posted by Aanon
Up until recently, I didn’t think it was much of an issue, just thought it was normal family stuff going on – until a sibling admitted being suicidal.

Well, it's good that she(?) recognises it, try to set some time aside and talk to her. A visit to the doctor or just a recommendation from the doctor for a counsellor would be a good idea. No particular need to go to the family GP, although it would be better if you did, as the doctor may know more background.

Sounds like the whole family needs a bit of counselling - and learn how to communicate and respect each other.

snoopish

Just to let you know your not alone on this one...it's been happening to me for years, ever since I can remember.The mental torture of petty mind games has left me untrusting of others...I mean I try my best, and i've been learning to deal with it, but it's hard to break the habit of a life time.All I can say it try not to let it consume you, even if you feel it already has.I have pushed away so many people unintenionally and i'm still doing it in small doses, and it sickens me tbh!As far as your sibling is concered you should take them out somewhere and talk openly about whats been happening over the years, do it candidly if possible so as to relieve thier pressures...! My brother did that for me, and I can't tell you the relief I felt, just having an outlet! As for youself, and I know this is easily said than done, confided in someone you are close to, make that extra effort with a friend to trust them...it helps.

dod

I would highly recommend that you read this book: Toxic Parents. It's available in the big bookshops in Dublin. You might be surprised how prevalent issues like you mention are- but they tend to be swept under the carpet because nobody likes to admit that what goes on behind the closed doors of the family home is anything but idyllic.

Seriously, for the sake of six or seven quid, buy the book. Don't be concerned about the American "self-help" aspect of it which is overdone, but do read through it. I would like to explain what it's about, but really I think that it reads differently in different contexts depending on the specifics of your situation, so I wouldn't like to be prescriptive about what you might get out of it.

Steveire

Originally posted by Aanon

This probably doesn’t seem like a very big issue, and maybe even normal for someone trying to deal with a life-threatening disease; but it’s just one example of what’s been happening for years

Its a huge issue if only because it is so very common. About the trust thing: i know what you mean about the unintentional pushing people away, but remember everyone has personal issues, and out of your friends, there's probably at least one who has exactly the same problem as you. In any case, talk to your friends about it; get some avenues open and build trust. If you really don't want to do that, write down what your thinking, it'll get the mind juices flowing, and give clarity.
It's guilt trips that bug me the most.

jinxycat

hey, well first off your definately not along in this situation. i know many people who have been in it. if your sibling is considering suicide talk to them and help and find help for them, but be sensitive about it, it's a tricky area. tbh i know what it's like to get the blame for things that's beyond your control. the got the blame for my parents splitting i was only 13 at the time. luckly things worked out tho. it was hard to trust my mum again after it tbh now we don't speak at all and haven't seen her since the day she left. if it's getting to you so much depart yourself from the family for a while and see how it goes, if ya still can't cope definately seek advice and help. there's loads out there just need to find the right one. if your sibling is much younger than you do help then them coz it's a shame to hear of someone thinking about suicide. well hope it all works out for you.