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  • 30-06-2004 2:06pm
    #1
    Doc
    Registered Users Posts: 2,670 ✭✭✭


    I wrote these on the why home the other day on the bus the second one isn’t finished but id like to get some initial feedback on it if you think there crap please say so never written any poems or songs or any of that kind of thing before an was board on the bus so gave it a go all opinions welcome...


    #1
    It grips the eye and pulls them tight
    The waking trance the drone of life
    A moments slip the dreams take hold
    Your body stops your mind goes cold
    You try to fight but want to stop
    To just give in to crash to drop
    But at that point just as you fall
    When hope is lost and mind will stall
    That sudden jerk from life to death
    Can pull you back with panicked fret

    Our Rivers Flow

    Your sinking in this pool of safety
    Mired in a faded dream
    The field you chose is ploughed by giants
    What mark can you make with no blade?

    You know that something calls you.
    You know that you must go.
    The fates pull hard on all of us
    They make our rivers flow…


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    #2
    Naos
    Registered Users Posts: 4,728 ✭✭✭Naos


    hmm normalamente i wouldnt be arsed critisising or whatever, and im certainly not the right man to ask an opinion. However..


    the second poem
    I think the line, "The field you chose is ploughed by giants" is a great line, and you should leave it like that.. dont try add more.


  • Options
    #3
    Ivan
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators Posts: 4,560 Mod ✭✭✭✭Ivan


    The first one is fantastic.

    Good job.


  • Options
    #4
    Doc
    Registered Users Posts: 2,670 ✭✭✭Doc


    Thanks Mear and Ivan for the replys

    I finished the "Our Rivers Flow" yesterday on the way home
    What do you think?

    Our Rivers Flow

    Your sinking in this pool of safety
    Mired in a faded dream
    The field you chose is ploughed by giants
    What mark can you make with no blade?

    You know that something calls you.
    You know that you must go.
    The fates pull hard on all of us
    They make our rivers flow.

    The dream you had is tarnished now
    No spark in it remains
    Don’t let the dreams of others
    Guide you on your way.

    All straight routes may not bring you
    To where you need to go.
    The fates are there to guide us
    They make our rivers flow.

    The time to act is close at hand
    Decisions must be made
    Wish not return to child hood
    When others still held sway.

    Our choices build our future
    We all take time to grow
    The fates will wait for no man
    They make or rivers flow.


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