Help!

Okay, first off I am posting this in personal issues instead of lgb because I want to have opinions form everyone.

So I am a 17 year old guy, I have known all my life I am gay, I am not the stereotypical gay guy, but I don't think it would really surprise people if I told them. I have always accepted that I am gay, its who I am and its cool but I have had trouble being open about it, especially since I turned 16.
I told two of my friends that I was a bit 'gay' (which I later stated as 'bisexual'). He was totally okay about it and I knew he would be. It was a spur of the moment thing to tell him, it was my 17th birthday. It felt so great to tel someone.

Anyway, I got it into my head that it would be a better idea to tell everyone that I am bisexual instead of coming out as totally gay. The reason why I did this is because I know many bisexual people, no gay people, and I think that it might be more comfortable for people for me to be bisexual. Whether or not this was the right decision, I don't know. I am having my doubts, but only time will tell. I plan on telling people that I am gay and not bi when I am older, and I am in a more adult situation. The way I see it, I am still a child in some ways. Maybe having a boyfriend will give me the incentive to not lie about it.

All of my male friends are straight, and if they said they were bisexual it would really only go as far as kissing a member of the opposite sex. They are very accepting and open about everything. But many times we go out or are in any social situation by ourselves, when they talk about girls (graphically or not) I feel like I am lying to them when I just keep quiet or maybe comment on how I think so and so is good looking or whatever. I feel isolated from many conversations, and many times I wish I was straight because I feel that I can't really be like the rest of my friends because I'm not.

To make matters worse. I really like my best friend. I know that love is only when both reciprocate, but I have been thinking of him everyday for the past year in an obsessive way. When he pisses me off as best friends do, I take it very seriously and actually feel awful continuosly. I feel so infatuated with him, and at the same time I hate him because I feel he doesn't treat me as well as he should. But could that be me looking from a 'I love you, why do you treat me like this' point of view, or is he acting as a normal friend would.

It has gotten to the point where I purposely want to sleep in the same bed as him if the gang is going out and staying at a house, and use being drunk as an excuse to subtlely touch him. God this sounds so disgusting when I am writing it down. I feel like I am lying to my friend and being a bad person, y'know?

So the summer is here. It will be the last before college and adulthood I guess. I'm going to a 6th year course in the city while the rest are going to college so I know things are going to change, and I know that my heart will ache when he gets with a girl and I am standing by myslef. Should I stop my feelings for him and try and just have a purely platonic relationship with him. Should I be true to myslef and continue with my admiration for him while not making him uncomfortable or should I tell him how I feel? Or should I tell another friend how I feel for him?

To be honest, I KNOW that he will never feel the same way about me, and that I am wasting my time. I am open to relationships with others, but where I'm from the openly gay guys scare me. But I am sure this will change when I go to the city in September.

nads

Originally posted by David Lynch
I KNOW that he will never feel the same way about me, and that I am wasting my time.

Say nothing mate! Sorry.

tk123

OK i'm not gay but I have gay friends who I always knew were gay - even before they told me. Your friends are probably the same so just tell them you are gay and not bi. If they are your friends they will except this - if not well fook them cos you'll be making loads of new friends at your new school/college. As for the friend you fancy - you need to accept the fact that he doesn't feel the same as you - he's not gay!!! I dont think so should be getting so close to your friend knowing that he doesn't have feelings for you - if the friend was a girl and you said you were touching her etc people would have a dim view of it - it's just as bad if it's a guy. It's easy to fall for friends - I have a nasty habit of falling for people who bug me - there's this one guy who bugs the hell out of me but every now and again we have lunch or have a joke etc and I decide i like him...then he annoys me again and I realise I don't!!! Anyhoo back to you - you are already honest with yourself so just be honest with your friends - the ones who accept you are real friends who will be there to support you and these and the ones you need to have around you!

nads

well don't say 'lookit guys i'm gay/bisexual' i never stood in front of my friends and said 'i'm straight' so you shouldn't have to comment on your sexuality, you've done nothing wrong so there's nothing to be 'stated'.
stay away from yer man though, do nothing like.

Yeah, see I don't see myself ever trying anything on with him, the touchy feely thing isn't exactly a big deal because my friends are always doing stuff like that. But the difference with me is that I have another motivation behind it.
If I had to choose between our friendship and carrying on like this I would choose the former, but you must understand that these feeling are intense and I don't thinl are ever really going to go away. He is a huge part of my life, for the moment anywya and probably will be an influencing factor in years to come so I don't know what to do.

Originally posted by nads
well don't say 'lookit guys i'm gay/bisexual' i never stood in front of my friends and said 'i'm straight' so you shouldn't have to comment on your sexuality, you've done nothing wrong so there's nothing to be 'stated'.

Meh, sexuality is a big thing. People assumer that you are straight right off the bat. And if you are not and you pretend to be straight then that is wrong. They never asked me if I was gay, or made gay jokes. But I guess they always knew something.

Originally posted by nads
stay away from yer man though, do nothing like.

Um okay.

tk123

Originally posted by David Lynch
Meh, sexuality is a big thing. People assumer that you are straight right off the bat. And if you are not and you pretend to be straight then that is wrong. They never asked me if I was gay, or made gay jokes. But I guess they always knew something.

Um okay.

Usually people assumptions are all wrong - I'm girl and I have short hair and people automatically think I'm gay when I'm not!!

Anyhoo once you go to school and you are not seeing yer man all the time you'll get over him. I know it's easy to say but I was really into that eejit I mentioned earlier but after a few weeks I came to my senses - you'll get over him in time!!!

Mutz

Ah leave good enough alone - honestly. You might ruin things. You'll meet someone soon!

Yeah, but he is my best friend so it will be hard to not see him.

giveth

Hey,

I think you should tell your friend how you feel. As long as he isnt a homophobic person, he'd probably be just flattered. Then when if he says that nothing will ever happen, you might be able to get over it.

I'm a gay guy too. I became friendly with a guy a few years ago and really got to like him. I did nothing about it.... just wondered for about a year 'is he gay or not?'. Then he stayed back a year in college and we dont meet any more. I still think about what could have been. I have never felt anything like the way i felt for him and it still gets me down sometimes.
Anyway, thats my experience with not opening up about my feelings.

By the way, i havent really told anyone that im gay. Ive completely accepted it too since i was about 13 but never felt the need to tell anybody yet. I'm sure they all have a good idea though. :rolleyes:

Etain

There was a big group of us who were friends all through school. We had one friend who we all realized was gay. It was never commented on, we just knew and that was that. When we were older teen-agers he would sometimes bring a "girlfriend" along. Sure, right. No one said anything. Then one day, he brought a real "date" with him. We were all accepting of it, it wasn't a surprise after all. He was relieved not to have to continue the charade.
My point? Your friend probably knows and he accepts you, you've said that he is straight, so why put him in a position that may jeopardize the friendship?

Boston

You're going to college, he may soon no longer be a major part of your life, this oculd change how you few him. His attitude towards his own sexuality may change as well.

What you have is a really accepting best friend, who will always be there for you. How many straight guys would be willing to share a bed with an openly bi/gay guy... not many. Really friends are hard to come accross and in the end that might be more important then a casual thing. From experience I've had a gay friends tell me he wanted to be with me, several times infact, didn't effect our relationship one bite. Then again I'm pretty certain he just was horny and wanted to **** me, this love thing would have been another issue.

Yeah, I would rather just be friends and NOT have this feelings. They are messing up everything. I just want to get over them, but how. It just seems so hard.

Boston

Originally posted by David Lynch
Yeah, I would rather just be friends and NOT have this feelings. They are messing up everything. I just want to get over them, but how. It just seems so hard.

Well think logically for a second, is a sexual relationship workable. I mean friendship isn't less of a relationship then a sexual one, its just different, and can often times over come things the other can't. Like come september are you going to be one end of the country and him another? How would his family react, hell how would yours. You say you have a group of friends, well they may all be deadly sound with you being gay, just so long as you're not attracted to them. The realisation that you might be attracted to one of them, may cause you to loose all your friends. These feelings are tough but your to in-experienced to full handly them as of yet. IT's not unusual for someone in your situation toturn to a best friend in this way. Theres safety in the acceptance you know you will recieve.

Well I'm going to a sixth year school with one of my other friends and the rest are going to college which are like 5 mins from eachother. We are a close group and I see us continuing that for at least the next year. We will probably go out at the weekends and stuff and maintain our friendship. Must of the time we spend together is out of school anyway.

He isn't gay and has shown no signs of being bisexual. And even if he was leading towards that way I don't think I would. There are a number of reasons for this. I know it would be too weird for him (and me) because I don't think he would want to be open about it to anyone. His family, our friends etc. It would be weird.

Friendship is what I want to maintain. But I feel this way about him and it makes my thinking irational in that I worry about what he thinks of me all the time, if he still finds me interesting, is he bored of me. I have never had these worries about anyone before him, and I believe it is because I 'love' him more than a friend. I would never be attracted to any other of my friends. My best friend means much more to me than the rest of them, mainly because he was the only person that was there for me when something really bad happened in my life. So I kinda depended on him, and that dependence got bigger and bigger.

I want to let go, and make new friends in September and still be friends with him, but I don't want these feelings to mess everything up.

Boston

Originally posted by David Lynch
Well I'm going to a sixth year school with one of my other friends and the rest are going to college which are like 5 mins from eachother. We are a close group and I see us continuing that for at least the next year. We will probably go out at the weekends and stuff and maintain our friendship. Must of the time we spend together is out of school anyway.

Easy to driff apart if you allow it, prepectives change after college starts, so many new people, its like a fresh start, where no one judges you, to start with.

Originally posted by David Lynch
Friendship is what I want to maintain. But I feel this way about him and it makes my thinking irational in that I worry about what he thinks of me all the time, if he still finds me interesting, is he bored of me. I have never had these worries about anyone before him..
...he was the only person that was there for me when something really bad happened in my life. So I kinda depended on him, and that dependence got bigger and bigger.

Judging from the above, he's someone who has seen you at your worst, the real you without any shields, and he's been there for you. So why the hell are you worried about crap like is he bored with you and does he find you interesting. He knows the type of person you are and wants to be with you as a friend, that is something special and rare enough.

and I believe it is because I 'love' him more than a friend

I love my best friend like a brother, I suppose it would be easy to get those emotions mixed up. I understand exactly where your coming from, but only answer is give it time.

Rock Climber

Ok some good sound posts there which should help you David.
When I was in school,I fell in love a few times.
Twice it was very intense and with the second I was lucky but that fizzled out later as we went our separate ways,and different towns.

I know what you are going through, the feeling of intense attraction to someone who also happens to be your best friend and when you know they won't reciprocate is awfull.
It's one of the worst feelings in the world actually and yeah especially when you have to watch a girl get to go where you want to go.
I've been there too, but if it's any consolation it does fizzle out as you move on to your next attraction which might be just as intense.

Being a boy falling in love with a straight boy is ten times worse than any "straight" unrequited love as you have no chance at all

That said some straight boys will experiment and I have to say thats fun and a great release(for both )

One thing I can guarantee you,if you are anyway out go-ing at all is that you will meet someone who floats your boat and this pain will fade.
As someone else said here anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger

On the advice side of things, be as open as you feel you can with your mate, he should appreciate that, oh and take opportunities to get out into gay venues and meet likeminded lads who will know theyy are on to a good thing in you and will want you as much as you do them( accidental pun I've just noticed but I wont re-phrase )

The other thing I'd suggest is , if you have a summer job, go on holidays, and go have a gay fling there and have a laugh in some "pink" clubs, it will do you the world of good and make you more confident.
It will help you also to realise that theres more out there than just pining over your friend

That said,I'd also go along with what someone else said here and tell your mate how you feel... you never know!!!( he just might wanna hug you ) And anyway it's best to be open with him in that way in my view

Originally posted by Rock Climber
Ok some good sound posts there which should help you David.
When I was in school,I fell in love a few times.
Twice it was very intense and with the second I was lucky but that fizzled out later as we went our separate ways,and different towns.

I know what you are going through, the feeling of intense attraction to someone who also happens to be your best friend and when you know they won't reciprocate is awfull.
It's one of the worst feelings in the world actually and yeah especially when you have to watch a girl get to go where you want to go.
I've been there too, but if it's any consolation it does fizzle out as you move on to your next attraction which might be just as intense.

Being a boy falling in love with a straight boy is ten times worse than any "straight" unrequited love as you have no chance at all

That said some straight boys will experiment and I have to say thats fun and a great release(for both )

One thing I can guarantee you,if you are anyway out go-ing at all is that you will meet someone who floats your boat and this pain will fade.
As someone else said here anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger

On the advice side of things, be as open as you feel you can with your mate, he should appreciate that, oh and take opportunities to get out into gay venues and meet likeminded lads who will know theyy are on to a good thing in you and will want you as much as you do them( accidental pun I've just noticed but I wont re-phrase )

The other thing I'd suggest is , if you have a summer job, go on holidays, and go have a gay fling there and have a laugh in some "pink" clubs, it will do you the world of good and make you more confident.
It will help you also to realise that theres more out there than just pining over your friend

That said,I'd also go along with what someone else said here and tell your mate how you feel... you never know!!!( he just might wanna hug you ) And anyway it's best to be open with him in that way in my view

This post really cheered me up! Thanks, this is some very good advice. Although I'm not sure about the pink clubs? Sleazy comes to mind, but who knows!

Rock Climber

Ah I meant gay bars
Good luck and have fun and don't be as worried about your feelings for your mate,it will work out and in time you'll wonder what you were worrying about-especially when you find someone who cares the same way back and you will!

Boston

One has to wonder, if you've been through so much, is it not possible that you will get through this together as well. Doesn't seem sensible to be doing your head in without your best mate