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Innocent

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  • 25-06-2004 5:13pm
    #1
    weeginger
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭


    Ok here goes the latest offering - be kind


    Innocent

    Across the lines,
    Beyond the dreams,
    Broken hearts
    Aren't what they seem.

    I live the night
    On Crover Pier,
    Relive the pain,
    Cling to the fear.

    Dreaming makes it
    Real again,
    Somehow confirms
    I'm not insane


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  • Options
    #2
    weeginger
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭weeginger


    is it that bad ???


  • Options
    #3
    simu
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,730 ✭✭✭✭simu


    I live the night
    On Crover Pier,
    Relive the pain,
    Cling to the fear.

    I think it would read more smoothly if you took out the "the" in the third line of this verse.

    Overall, I didn't like it as much as some of your other poems - the images aren't very unusual - broken hearts, clinging to fear etc - these are quite commonplace. Most poetry is a small number of themes being dealt with over and over again in different ways but what's important is expressing these in an individual way. I like the mention of Crover Pier though - it makes the whole thing seem more solid and the name sounds a bit sinister (I have no idea where that is btw)!

    Hope this is helpful!


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