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2nd Poem... thoughts.. ??

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  • 24-06-2004 2:26pm
    #1
    Shallow-Vision
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ✭


    Before You read this i am writing this about a friend who commited suicide and his mother who was a complete bitch and always upset him, just so you know this is my 2nd poem so dont diss it too much.. ;)


    When he was young he used to pray
    he used to hope that some day,
    It would all be right that ,
    Some day he wouldn’t have to cry

    You said sorry too many times before
    It has no meaning anymore
    When he was young and innocent
    You didn’t tell him what you meant
    You didn’t say what it would be like

    Now his life has changed
    He’s all grown up now,
    Has he changed you ask..
    Is he alright you ask,
    You didn’t ask then
    Don’t ask now

    Now He’s gone,
    Your only memories is of you saying sorry
    Remember you didn’t ask him how he was,
    When it all started
    You should of noticed,
    How he’s dead,
    Can you say goodbye now..?


Comments

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    #2
    weeginger
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭weeginger


    Hard topic to deal with. Your poem is honest so a very good start.
    I don't like your punctuation in the first stanze (just an opinion). It is introducing the poem and the language is rythmical with roughly the same number of beats in each line. Am thinking out loud here and I am as yet undecided as to that stanza.

    I like the progression of the poem. The direct language conveys the intensity of your feelings. This is not a once upon a time poem, it is current and the feels are still real.


    "You said sorry too many times before
    It has no meaning anymore"

    I had an english teacher who once told me that every single word must justify its place on the page. A tip that stuck with me and i find quite useful !

    Keep up the good work !


  • Options
    #3
    Shallow-Vision
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ✭Shallow-Vision


    thanx , i know what you mean about the first stanza.. i didnt want to have it continous, i wanted it to be as if ur saying it, then taking a short break then say it again...


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    #4
    Shanannigan
    Registered Users Posts: 1,227 ✭✭✭Shanannigan


    i think thats a very good poem, and the first verse/stanza whatever the hell ya wanna call it nicely off beat with the rest of the rhythm of the poem... a good touch... it's a feeling poem i like it.. perhaps cos my mother left when i was young so i can relate to that idea... i like raw emotional poetry and this struck a chord, thanx a lot and keep it up


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