all of this.

kirn

the click and spit
of all of this
the black and chrome
moving slow;
the wind seems to whisk papers
around the cells.

the clanking clicks
of all of this
the darkness roams
where my eyes go;
the steel reflects the cold of loneliness.

the boxed view
of all of this
has been confused with
a kind of revenge;
where the bars bend in from pressure.

kirn

any thoughts?

kirn

anyone?

simu

Originally posted by kirn
the click and spit
of all of this
the black and chrome
moving slow;
the wind seems to whisk papers
around the cells.

the clanking clicks
of all of this
the darkness roams
where my eyes go;
the steel reflects the cold of loneliness.

the boxed view
of all of this
has been confused with
a kind of revenge;
where the bars bend in from pressure.

Overall, it's pretty cool. I find the image with black and chrome in the first verse a bit odd because that makes me think of a slow-moving limo which seems incongruous with the prison scene described by the rest of the verse, but maybe that's just me.

As for the rhythm of it - maybe it would be better if the last two lines of each verse had the same number of beats - it would give the poem greater unity. The last two lines. especially, while expressive, don't fit in very well.

It's definitely a good starting point though.