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all of this.

  • 24-06-2004 12:24pm
    #1
    kirn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 528 ✭✭✭


    the click and spit
    of all of this
    the black and chrome
    moving slow;
    the wind seems to whisk papers
    around the cells.

    the clanking clicks
    of all of this
    the darkness roams
    where my eyes go;
    the steel reflects the cold of loneliness.

    the boxed view
    of all of this
    has been confused with
    a kind of revenge;
    where the bars bend in from pressure.


Comments

  • #2
    kirn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 528 ✭✭✭kirn


    any thoughts?


  • #3
    kirn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 528 ✭✭✭kirn


    anyone?


  • #4
    simu
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,730 ✭✭✭✭simu


    Originally posted by kirn
    the click and spit
    of all of this
    the black and chrome
    moving slow;
    the wind seems to whisk papers
    around the cells.

    the clanking clicks
    of all of this
    the darkness roams
    where my eyes go;
    the steel reflects the cold of loneliness.

    the boxed view
    of all of this
    has been confused with
    a kind of revenge;
    where the bars bend in from pressure.

    Overall, it's pretty cool. I find the image with black and chrome in the first verse a bit odd because that makes me think of a slow-moving limo which seems incongruous with the prison scene described by the rest of the verse, but maybe that's just me.

    As for the rhythm of it - maybe it would be better if the last two lines of each verse had the same number of beats - it would give the poem greater unity. The last two lines. especially, while expressive, don't fit in very well.

    It's definitely a good starting point though.


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