ye ye i suck just tell me how much

Shallow-Vision

first poem ever... just tell me how **** it is so i know how much i have to improve ????

Walking through the classrooms of hell
Teachers cane still laid out on the chair,
The redness on my hand had not faded
Since that winters day ….

It wasn’t like she hated me
Nor did she like me
None the less the cane came down,
And struck my hand right to the ground

Just remember Miss O’Neill
I wont forget this great ordeal
And when your old and cold and frail
You’ll wish you never hit me that fateful day

CuLT

It's not sh*te, you have your theme, the poem also looks as if it's broken up appropriately and you have some good alliteration in there with "And when you old and cold and frail".


So just a few general guidelines I *try* to follow (but don't always, naturally) when writing 'poetry'
(Incidentally, I rather hope you take this positively ):

I personally try to have a fairly regular rhyming scheme for the poetry, i.e. there'll be a certain... wave, or rythm that the words flow in (unless going for something specifically disjointed for effect).

I also try to make the last words of alternating lines rhyme. I'm pretty sure you're poem has the same linguistic properties that my first stuff (which I haven't NOR WILL EVER post ).

Repeatedly say the stuff over in your head and aloud to see if it rolls off the tongue.

I try to get double or triple meanings into the poems if I can, but it's bloody hard work, I haven't been quite successful there yet.

*Of course, ignore this if you don't agree, I'm no authority and, ideally, poetry has no "rules", but I reckon there are some things that make it sound better.
Get some Leaving Certificate poetry course material, read up, it broadens your perspective, gives ideas etc.

I think BEAT, Shewhomustbe, seantí and Beatrix in particular would have some useful advice/tips. (It'd be a good way to keep all our notions in the one place).

Shallow-Vision

thanks a million , everything any of you say is much appreciated , however if someone plans to come and just say its crap without telling me how to improve it then just dont bother its not welcome

DEmeant0r

Originally posted by CuLT
I also try to make the last words of alternating lines rhyme. I'm pretty sure you're poem has the same linguistic properties that my first stuff (which I haven't NOR WILL EVER post ).

I disagree, I am sick of poems that rhyme, they are too ordinary and you don't get that much space to express what you want to say when you're sticking to a set rhythm.

BEAT

for a first attempt at writing a poem it isnt that bad really.
I think if you keep at it you will come out with some really good stuff.

Keep it up and post up when you have new stuff so we can see your progress.

thanks

Beatrix

I think that the idea and feeling that you're trying to express does get across. It's a good theme and the poem is honest... It's really good for a first go! It's like stuff I used to write. I felt, after reading my poems sometimes, that they were too strained. That can sometimes take away from the true emotion of the poem.

I don't think that beginning poems should rhyme because that takes too much effort, and calculation. It takes a really experienced poet to write well with rhymes. I can't do it at all well. When I think of an idea, I write it out in full. It's certain to flow in the right way then. If you don't like its phrasing after that you can always change it to fit the poem....

I hope that helped! Well done!!!! I'd love to see your next poem really soon!

xx Ms Me xx

CuLT

Originally posted by Demeant0r
I disagree, I am sick of poems that rhyme, they are too ordinary and you don't get that much space to express what you want to say when you're sticking to a set rhythm.

That's why I don't just write poetry .

adonis

crap,
dunno why
just a boorish opinion

seamus

Originally posted by Demeant0r
I disagree, I am sick of poems that rhyme, they are too ordinary and you don't get that much space to express what you want to say when you're sticking to a set rhythm.

The art is in expressing yourself well and emotionally, while stll sticking to the rhythm.
Clever rhyming poetry uses clever phrasing or loose synoyms to maintain the structure, but keep the meaning. There's a lot more to it than "Twinkle, twinkle little star..."

weeginger

I like the theme of your poem. It is honestly conveyed. I agree the grouping of stanza's is good. I am not sure about the rhythm. I find it difficult to remain true to the theme in rhyming poems, but I try to develop a consistant rythm unless the theme is more suited to something sticata.

The best thing to do is read it out loud. Read it exactly as it is punctuated to see if you have put pauses and commas in the places. Just a personal opinion but I thought maybe the poem would be a little stronger if slowed a little with punctuation. However the current speed conveys the intensity of the emotions.

As you can see from my poems, I am definately no expert, but hope what I said makes sense. I would be very proud if my first poem was a good as that. Someday for a laugh I'll post my first few poems. I posted one that was a few years old and it didn't go down very well !

Keep up the good work - I look forward to reading more.

Rua

RopeDrink

Poetry, just like basic writing, is something we are all capable of and can thrive at if you keep at it.

It's a good first attempt, and you'll probably suprise youself and what else you can come up with if you continue with poetry. Soak up all the hints and tips you can get, they do help, but you'll nearly ALWAYS come up with your own style so stick to it and get back to us

Shanannigan

don't think, just write... thats poetry