A Few Short Lines...

CuLT

I'm nothing as good as Beatrix, Shewhomustbe or seantí, but I would like some sort of feedback on some of my poems, I'm not particularily sensitive about it; I know I'm better at regular prose than at poetry .

So,

---

Differentiation

'Revolution!' I scream
From the top of my life
Deprivation - it teems
On the edge of a knife

'Anarchy!' they chant
Self-framed in black
Derision - less scant
For those smoking crack

'Change!' he wails
The political scum
Death - the snail
crushed under his thumb

'Hallelujah!' she croaks
Crippled with time
Blindness - provoked
By antifreeze wine.

---

Die, you!

Die, you!,
Take that knife,
Let it slide,
And cut your life,

Feel this heat,
This burning steel,
It turns your meat,
Oh yes - it's real!

Taste that sweet
Metallic tinge,
**** you and your
Twisted grins,

What is this?
Surprise? Pain?
You had it coming -
David Blaine.

---

Net Send Packet Failure

Lines of text and code
Exert their hoarse, Morse force
To twine and slither their course
Down to my abode

These bits and bytes and beeps
Divulge the disfunct discord,
(Cynically seducing sleep)
To wind and whirl and whistle
Behind my bloodshot brain.

This thing that twists my thoughts
And scatters my somnambulance
Is irritating
Idiots I irk online,
The ruck of ruffling ruffians
Who wane and wither my will,
Who rout my reason
Who derail sanity.

---

[Edit: didn't paste the last line of the first poem :eek: ]

Shallow-Vision

i like .. especially the 2nd one

BEAT

I immidiatley had a picture in my head of a dark jazz club and a young "beatnik" type shouting poetry on stage at open-mike night dressed in all black with a beret on...

You have that angry beatnik stylee about ya, I can dig it
/me hits bongo as applause

CuLT

Lol BEAT, thanks ,
/me clicks fingers to bass rumble...

and thanks Shallow-Vision, that's the least weird of what I consider to be the "funny" ones .

Beatrix

I really like Die, you! It's so clever and well put together! I love the sweet, vicious, twisted rage.... and I hate David Blaine too! The stupid phoney lol

xx Beatrix xx

TheProvost

To begin – a minor editorial thought

'Hallelujah!' she croaks
Crippled with time
Blindness - provoked
By antifreeze wine.

Might scan better if written:

'Hallelujah!' she croaks
Crippled with time
Blindness - provided
By antifreeze wine.

The three-syllable beat flows quite a bit better, in my opinion. You sacrifice the double rhyme, but I suspect it is an excessive restriction (is this more of an expression experiment or a skill test?) and its removal or reworking throughout the poem my really bring it to life.

Also, would you care to develop some of the symbolism in these verses, especially the first three? Why do you use ‘Deprivation’ in the first stanza? If I’ve interpreted it correctly, that doesn’t seem the most appropriate word… ‘Feeling’ or ‘Sensation’ might have been more obvious (perhaps too much so; the first stanza could easily descend into “Down, not across” territory)

I really like the ‘Self-framed in black’ line, very cool. But what do you mean by ‘Derision - less scant / For those smoking crack’? I’m especially puzzled by the phrase, ‘less scant’. Surely, if anything, it should be ‘more scant’…

Finally, why do you use the word ‘scum’ in the third paragraph? And what does the snail represent?

Anyway, cool work duder, I trust you’ll keep it up.

And now, to bed *Fnoof*

Paladin

Actually I prefer "Blindness - Provoked".

The "oked" sound feels better with the croaked preceding it.

I think from purely a critical point of view that Differentiation is the best of the three. I guess it just feels better without too much deep analysis. That said, oh how I laughed at the words "David Blaine"

PS - All excellent though!

TheProvost

Originally posted by Paladin
Actually I prefer "Blindness - Provoked".

The "oked" sound feels better with the croaked preceding it.

I think from purely a critical point of view that Differentiation is the best of the three. I guess it just feels better without too much deep analysis. That said, oh how I laughed at the words "David Blaine"

PS - All excellent though!

Looking over it again, I'd have to agree. Provided is a little to soft, and the harsh 'v' and 'k' of 'provoked is definitely superior (even though the resulting interpretations are somewhat bizarre). Also, my very concern (syllable-beats) is actually a point in provoked's favour, as its use creates a slight jarring sensation, heightening the verse's potency (or whatever - I should never be allowed write critical analysis at midnight, or mid-afternoon... or ever)