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No sugar coating please.

  • 21-06-2004 10:36pm
    #1
    Suaimhneach
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 4,436 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I want to cry now,
    because your not here,
    and I know you would be,
    if life and love were not,
    wrong sometimes.

    I know you understand,
    and that I am the only one that appreciates that.
    I know you love me,
    and that I love you, and that is all that matters.

    You know what is important.
    You guided the pathway to the light and I can see clearer because of you.

    I am, who I am, because you helped, and now your gone. I don't want to carry on.

    Please come home.

    This would be my second time ever showing anyone my poetry, but the first time I felt all the respones were sugar caoted, so some honesty would be appreciated.


Comments

  • #2
    aidan_walsh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,208 ✭✭✭✭aidan_walsh


    Honestly? To me it sounds like it should have an R&B beat running in the background.

    How much you like R&B will decide whether its a critisism or a complement...


  • #3
    Suaimhneach
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 4,436 Mod ✭✭✭✭Suaimhneach


    Lol, em. I dance to it if its on.....:)

    [edit] Lmao, I just read it with a beat in my head, and it does kinda work. lol, but generally I'd personally read it quite slow....but meh. The beauty that is poetry eh? Diffrent interpretations [/edit]


  • #4
    Beatrix
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭Beatrix


    I thought it was a very engaging poem. The commas in certain places threw me, but perhaps they're supposed to be that way... I'm not sure. I feel they take from the flow of the piece.

    I loved this stanza. I found it very striking and unique...

    "I know you understand,
    and that I am the only one that appreciates that.
    I know you love me,
    and that I love you, and that is all that matters."

    I like the poem, as a whole, very much. Hope this helped...

    xx Beatrix xx


  • #5
    BEAT
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,945 ✭✭✭BEAT


    I dont want to discourage you from posting more and writing more but I didnt like it at all.
    it, doesnt, flow , like, it should. understand? it is also something that sounds like its been cut off...there should be more details to the feelings you are trying to express.

    Right now I would say it looks like a heart felt letter you were writing to someone who died or broke up with you and no more.

    You said you didnt want sugar coating so I hope this encourages you to look at your work and make it "more"

    :D


  • #6
    Suaimhneach
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 4,436 Mod ✭✭✭✭Suaimhneach


    Thanks. Constructive critism is always helpful. I know what you mean about flow. Hmm. Practice makes perfect, or at least better!

    It's not for an ex though. Or someone dead.

    Reading it now, I see what you mean, I guess that makes more sense. I just couldnt see it when I was reading it. So asking for opinions is really the best thing.

    Thanks.


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