Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

No sugar coating please.

Options
  • 21-06-2004 11:36pm
    #1
    Suaimhneach
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 4,436 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I want to cry now,
    because your not here,
    and I know you would be,
    if life and love were not,
    wrong sometimes.

    I know you understand,
    and that I am the only one that appreciates that.
    I know you love me,
    and that I love you, and that is all that matters.

    You know what is important.
    You guided the pathway to the light and I can see clearer because of you.

    I am, who I am, because you helped, and now your gone. I don't want to carry on.

    Please come home.

    This would be my second time ever showing anyone my poetry, but the first time I felt all the respones were sugar caoted, so some honesty would be appreciated.


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    aidan_walsh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,208 ✭✭✭✭aidan_walsh


    Honestly? To me it sounds like it should have an R&B beat running in the background.

    How much you like R&B will decide whether its a critisism or a complement...


  • Options
    #3
    Suaimhneach
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 4,436 Mod ✭✭✭✭Suaimhneach


    Lol, em. I dance to it if its on.....:)

    [edit] Lmao, I just read it with a beat in my head, and it does kinda work. lol, but generally I'd personally read it quite slow....but meh. The beauty that is poetry eh? Diffrent interpretations [/edit]


  • Options
    #4
    Beatrix
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭Beatrix


    I thought it was a very engaging poem. The commas in certain places threw me, but perhaps they're supposed to be that way... I'm not sure. I feel they take from the flow of the piece.

    I loved this stanza. I found it very striking and unique...

    "I know you understand,
    and that I am the only one that appreciates that.
    I know you love me,
    and that I love you, and that is all that matters."

    I like the poem, as a whole, very much. Hope this helped...

    xx Beatrix xx


  • Options
    #5
    BEAT
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,945 ✭✭✭BEAT


    I dont want to discourage you from posting more and writing more but I didnt like it at all.
    it, doesnt, flow , like, it should. understand? it is also something that sounds like its been cut off...there should be more details to the feelings you are trying to express.

    Right now I would say it looks like a heart felt letter you were writing to someone who died or broke up with you and no more.

    You said you didnt want sugar coating so I hope this encourages you to look at your work and make it "more"

    :D


  • Options
    #6
    Suaimhneach
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 4,436 Mod ✭✭✭✭Suaimhneach


    Thanks. Constructive critism is always helpful. I know what you mean about flow. Hmm. Practice makes perfect, or at least better!

    It's not for an ex though. Or someone dead.

    Reading it now, I see what you mean, I guess that makes more sense. I just couldnt see it when I was reading it. So asking for opinions is really the best thing.

    Thanks.


  • Advertisement
Advertisement