Need Advice On Coming Out

LegacyUser

Hey everybody,

Posting anonymously for obvious enough reasons, Yellum. I know this has been covered time and time again but I’d appreciate any advice you can give me.

Basically, I'm a 21yr old male on the verge of coming out to my family and friends. I suspected that I was gay since I was about 14 but over the past 2 or 3 years I've become sure of it (a long time, I know).

Anyway, I'm happy to have accepted my sexuality myself and I'm pretty sure that the people close to me will take it well - fingers crossed.

Still, I'm absolutely petrified to go through with it. I mean, I really don't know what to do. What if it goes wrong? Is there a 'best way' to come out?

Help!

BuffyBot

Is there a 'best way' to come out?

You know, if you find it, bottle it. You'll make a fortune.

It's great to hear you feel happy with yourself - that's probably the first step. It really isn't a good idea to come out until you feel comfortable with it.

As I hinted above, I don't think there is a "best" way to do it. The first thing I would do is think about telling someone close to you - best friend, family member you trust etc and then work from there. By testing the water with someone you trust, you have an oppurtunity to test your approach before telling other people.

For me, coming out to the first person I told was painful - I was so full of nerves, it was unbelievable. It took me days and days of almost telling, until it reached the point where I believe she was about to hit me. When I did say it, I felt so good that someone knew - I think you'll find that too.

So find someone you trust, summon up the courage and tell them you have something you need to say.. just go from there.

Best of luck with it, however you decide to go about it. Feel free to PM if you want to

MarcusGarvey

Funny, I was just watching Beautiful Thing tonight...

Firstly, congratulations. Just typing your post took courage in itself. I remember the first time I told someone I was gay. I told them via MSN and I swear to god my hands were trembling as I typed "I'm gay".

You're probably going to be more nervous than this when you tell someone in person but don't worry you'll be fine. You'll possibly look back with a smile and a teary eye. The fact that you are comfortable yourself with your sexuality is the major hurdle, each hurdle after this gets smaller and smaller.

There were some old threads about coming out in this forum. Ok just checked I think theres one
here and here too. They're good reading material.

Take Buffy's advice too. There is never a best way to come out. In an ideal world there should be no reason to "come out" it would just be accepted that people can be gay or straight or in-between. The worlds not ideal right now but we're working to fix that.

Tell one person first, see how it goes. Tell someone you know has a decent personality and who will not think being gay is such a big thing (there are more of these people around every year yay !). When you've told one tell another. Do this a few times and see how you go from there.

Remember to take things at your pace. If you want to take your time do, if you want to blurt it to the world do.

Let us know how you get on, your experiences can be added into the ones already listed in this forum by others and so you can aid in helping others to come out too.

ixoy

Originally posted by Fake Name Guy
Hey everybody,

Posting anonymously for obvious enough reasons, Yellum.

Yellum's gone. There's a new mod (or set of them) in town

Is there a 'best way' to come out?

Help!

Some good advice given so far. There's plenty of people that you can talk to about the issue, there's even books that you can read, but you ask any gay person and each story will be slightly different.

Myself? I'm like BuffyBot. When I was first telling someone, I took an age to get the words out. At one point my friend got up and said - "I'm going to the toilet. When I come back, you're going to tell me what the hell you're on about." But it went well in the end

Pick a situation you feel comfortable with. If you drink, try not to loosen your tongue too much by drinking a load of alcohol, although a few may help it's nice to be in control of what you intend to do. Now you can either tell everyone in a group, or tell people individually, the latter approach being what I favour. If you go for this, I think it may be best to bring it up when it's just you and the other person. Try and think of an appropriate, tangential subject matter perhaps to introduce it. Stephen Gately had just come out when I told some friends, so I was able to direct it via that. Maybe someone in the media, or a friend, can be used to test the waters or bring in the subject matter. Perhaps an article on gay marriages that you read, using it to say you'd not like to be denied marriage in future cases.

I'm not saying you need to, or even should, plot out a night precisely. I just suggest you think maybe of ways to work up the subject matter so you don't feel so awkward on the night. Your own self and fears are often you biggest enemy. Fortunately today, as MarcusGarvey has said, people are more accepting and open minded so you should go for it. You'll feel a lot better when you do - but why not let us know how it goes? Good luck!

LegacyUser

Yellum's gone. There's a new mod (or set of them) in town.

* hails to the chief *

Thanks for all the advice guys - some of your stories, and those in the older threads, were quite inspiring.

I've made up my mind to get it over with in the next week or two. I feel like I've just been procrastinating way too long - there's never going to be a perfect time or a perfect way to come out (something I knew all along anyway - ah, naivete).

I figure I'll tell my friends (individually) first and then tell my parents together. Should I maybe get some kind of Coping With Your Gay Child type lit for them just in case?
I mean, I'm fairly sure they'll be OK but they're the kind of people to put on a brave face and then just never talk about it again. And I really don't want that kind of relationship.

Anyway, thanks again. Hopefully I'll be back pretty soon with good news.

Cheers,

B.

MarcusGarvey

Nice one fella. The very best of luck.

moridin

Depending on your parents, it can help if they realise that being gay doesn't mean that you're a freak or that you're going to get screwed about by freaks... I know mine weren't too happy when I told them and only started to accept it when they met the guy I was going out with and saw how nice he was

Friendwise, you'll be a lot happier when you have it off your chest I suspect... it's fun to jig with the innuendo vibe and tease them to see their reaction a while after you've told them... they'll also suddenly stop making gay jokes when you say you find them offensive, and then you can laugh at them for stopping. I love my friends, really

thomas/paul

the first step is admiting it to yourself and ajusting to it, this is a good step. now decide woh you are closest to and tell them person by person alone, dont get bogged down on how they react, this is also a good way to find out your real friends are and give them some time to ajust then tell the others again slowly. just remember to take at a day at a time. good luck.

Boston

Originally posted by moridin
Friendwise, you'll be a lot happier when you have it off your chest I suspect... it's fun to jig with the innuendo vibe and tease them to see their reaction a while after you've told them... they'll also suddenly stop making gay jokes when you say you find them offensive, and then you can laugh at them for stopping. I love my friends, really

This really annoys the living ****e out of me. I've a friend that pulls (and is pulling) the exact same stunt. He's starts it off by implying we're all closest homosexuals, picks on one guy in particular he knows is abite confused, When we (actually usually me) turn the tables and rip the hell out of him left right and centre, he gets pissed off with all the "gay jokes" and accuses us of being immature and homophobic. But this is how we have always been around each other.

this is also a good way to find out your real friends.

keep in mind that it takes people time to adjust to a new reality, some friends are quiet intimate with each other in one way or another. You coming out to a friend may cause that person to question their own sexual identity, even at 21. allot of people don't like taking a long and deep look at themselves and this may be the cause of a negative reaction. If a friend reacts badly, and its someone pervious worth having as a friend, then just give them time and hope they can adjust to the reality.

Parent wise, you're 21 and you're your own man at this stage, once you're confident in it, go for it.

MarcusGarvey

Originally posted by Boston
If a friend reacts badly, and its someone pervious worth having as a friend, then just give them time and hope they can adjust to the reality.

That's well said. Some people react badly initially and come around in time. While some friends are blessed with being open minded and cool with whatever you do, some are not, but it doesn't mean they are evil people.

Of course it doesn't mean that you let them treat you like crap though.

Boston

Thing is that sometimes it can be quiet hard to know how to react. Should you be watching every word incase you offend your friend, should you be trying to treat them the same as always, they might think you're trying to ignore a side of them they have opened up to you. You embrace it then you might be treating them differently then before, which they might not like. It can be fairly confusing knowing what way to react, and this is from someone who has no morality issues, or personal issues with it.

Word of advice, tell all your friend pretty quickly after each other. Last thing you want is for them to find out through a third party. It puts a strain on the relationship. From personal experience i found out that a long standing friend (over ten years) was gay when another friend casually droped it into conversation in the pub. It was quiet awkward finding out that way, and lead to trouble in actually accepting it. It was also very apparent I was the last to find out, and that he had his reasons for wanting to handle it sensitively around me. For what ever reason the others had be sworn not to tell me specifically. That was kinda hurt full in itself.

anyway, maybe there should be a sticky on how to react when a friend/family member comes out.

moridin

Originally posted by Boston
This really annoys the living ****e out of me. I've a friend that pulls (and is pulling) the exact same stunt. He's starts it off by implying we're all closest homosexuals, picks on one guy in particular he knows is abite confused, When we (actually usually me) turn the tables and rip the hell out of him left right and centre, he gets pissed off with all the "gay jokes" and accuses us of being immature and homophobic. But this is how we have always been around each other.

I think you misunderstood me. My friends are my friends and I wouldn't want them to change for anything in the world... but it's fun to make them squirm from time to time. If I'd taken offence at that kind of thing I wouldn't be hanging around with them in the first place :eek:

Boston

Originally posted by moridin
I think you misunderstood me. My friends are my friends and I wouldn't want them to change for anything in the world... but it's fun to make them squirm from time to time. If I'd taken offence at that kind of thing I wouldn't be hanging around with them in the first place :eek:

I hear yea, my friend says the same thing, but then contradicts himself.

moridin

Mmmm, a few people I know came out and go fabulously camp and in your face... people either tend to be drawn into the glittery fabulous sweetie darling fakeness of the scene or just remain themselves.

I think it might have to do with how strong of a sense of identity you have yourself, and how much you feel like you need to act gay in order to be accepted as gay.

I've nothing against camp guys, as some of my friends will attest to, but as with everything, moderation and keeping your head is important imo

ixoy

Originally posted by moridin
Mmmm, a few people I know came out and go fabulously camp and in your face... people either tend to be drawn into the glittery fabulous sweetie darling fakeness of the scene or just remain themselves.

Definetely true. There was someone in my year, who was reasonably level-headed. He dated this other guy I knew for a bit but they broke up because, once the Guy From My Year came out, he suddenly took on the glittery fabulous sweetie darling fakeness and it really irritated him.

I think it might have to do with how strong of a sense of identity you have yourself, and how much you feel like you need to act gay in order to be accepted as gay.

Agreed. Those gay people I hang around with are no different when they're out, or in. I don't register any real change in their behavior, and that's good. I certainly don't feel the need - nor I hope should anyone else - to act in a particular way, contrary to who you are, to fit into a certain mould.

I've nothing against camp guys, as some of my friends will attest to

LMAO! Oh god *clutches sides* Oh the irony of those first few words *wheezes and calls for an ambulance to stitch up his split sides*

Anyway, the heart of the matter is that don't try and adapt yourself, when coming out, to meet friend's expectations. It's important, I think, for friends to realise that you're not changing, that you've always been this person. If your attitude shifts suddenly, in whatever manner, and you act differently it could be more unnerving. Really try and be yourself when you go through all this.

moridin

Originally posted by ixoy
LMAO! Oh god *clutches sides* Oh the irony of those first few words *wheezes and calls for an ambulance to stitch up his split sides*

I knew you couldn't resist commenting on it. Any suggestion of my own campness level or people I fancy are highly offensive and nasty. You horrible bitch-mod