Family issues

LegacyUser

I'm a regular PI visitor, and I know you're all probably thinking, "not another family issues" thread but here goes...

I've got no brothers or sisters at home so it's just myself and my parents. I am 20 years old. When I was a lot younger my parents were very protective but once I went to college this really wasn't the case any more.

My mother was always much more tempermental and moody than my father. A lot of my friends say that she is just normal, but deep down I worry about how me and her are going to get on in the next few years. She takes care of an elderly relative and does that very well. I really enjoy helping out when I can, but my mother always feels as if I don't care. Having a new girlfriend in the past few weeks hasn't helped matters at all, my mother refuses to accept that she exists and now almost daily goes in to a child like sulk to me and my father, saying that I only fit our elderly relative in when I can and I couldn't give a **** anymore which is far from the truth. She almost calls me a freak sometimes and makes very hurtful remarks about my new girlfriend which is very upsetting because I hardly ever mention her in the house and she has never met my mother (or my father for that matter).

My father is perfectly normal, but he seems to be getting the same treatment from my mother. I certainly don't want to be the cause of him getting a sulk from her. I have talked to him about all this and he says that I should just carry on as I am, and not give in to her complaints. However, I don't want to discuss this too much with him, as it'd be unfair on him to have to know all this and keep it from my mum.

I don't want to be so harsh on my mum, because she really is a great woman. But this behaviour thats appearing recently is really wearing me down. I don't know why I bother any more.

Zulu

Sounds to me that you should listen to your dad - he's has been with her longer than you after all.
The way I would look at it. You are her only son. Her baby. She is getting jellous about your girlfriend because she feels your attention is no longer with her. Maybe she feels you won't love her as much. Your girlfriend will never be good enough for "her little boy".
Your dad is right carry on as you are.
As for your mum, I'd, personally have a chat with her. Explain to her that you really like/love your girlfriend. Explain to her that her actions/insults aren't going to make you change your mind, that in fact they are a little childish, and that they are just hurtful to you. Tell her that when you are hurt, you talk to your loved ones, ie: girlfriend.
It you decide to have a chat with your mother it's VITAL you don't get aggressive. Keep you head, no matter what is said. Be calm, assuring and assertive.
She's a grown woman - if you point out the basic facts she'll see she's wrong (she mightn't admit it - don't expect an apology), and she'll talk to your father. He'll back you up. She'll feel silly and get over it.

Best of luck.

BigCon

Hmmm, I know where you're coming from, I had a similiar experience years ago. Just do what you feel is right, you have to lead your life as you want, no point in doing things just to please your mother (or anyone else for that matter) while you're miserable because of it. Carry on regardless, she'll get over it eventually...

ravenhead

It sounds to me that there could be two explainations for your mothers behavour - one being that she is in fact suffering from Empty Nest syndrome & does still really see you as her little boy & you getting a girlfriend may be making her feel like she is being replaced. There is a very big chance that if this is the case, arranging for your girlfriend to meet your parents might be a good idea as she will see for herself that things aren't anything like what she thought & she will also feel more involved in your life.
However there is number two & I think this really may be the case - I think that your mother may be going through the change of life - it would explain her mood swings & the things that she is saying... If this is the case, it may be an idea to talk to her about it - let her know that you're there for her & try to encourage her to go to see a doctor about it... she doesn't have to deal with it alone.....

Best of luck with this ... I know what you're going through...

Seraphina

menopause tbh

Sleepy

I know this might sound a little left-of-field but how about trying to do something nice for her? Have dinner cooked for her when she gets home some evening or something along those lines. If it is empty nest syndrome, all she needs is reassurance of the fact that you love her.

Battlesnake

Maybe I'm getting the wrong end of the stick here.
From what I read I see the issue as more to do with the elderly relative than anything else. Sounds to me like your mum is finding it difficult to cope and is therefore crying out to the two people closest to her - you and your dad.
I too have the only child syndrome! I understand how clostrophobic is can be.
I think she's taking out her frustration on your girlfriend as she sees her as the barrier stopping you from helping her.
Now might be the time to get a little extra help for your mum, it isn't healthy to take the total responsibility for someone elses wellbeing. You just end up neglecting yourself and are left in a mess. Her going through the menopause is prob attributing to the stress and has pushed her towards the edge.
Have a chat with her and try and get some professional help with this relative. It isn't your responsibility.

Typedef

Basically mothers are those things driven by instinct, which don't view you as a person, but as *their child*.

My best advice is too completely ignore your mother's tantrums, she still views you as a child, so you *cant* have reasoned conversation with her, and she's probably quite jealous of your girlfrend and probably thinks that she's not good enough for her son.

Then again, since you only have one mother, you only have to put up with that irrational maternal crap from one person.

Maybe get her a dog or buy her a chineese baby to take care of.. she won't resent you so much for growing up and not needing her anymore as much then.

Edit:

Oh also, for what it's worth, I don't think it would be the best idea in the world to introduce the girlfriend to your mother.

Simply because you can conclude before hand that your mother will reject her and try to refit you into her predefiend box where you are her baby.

Moreover, your girlfrend doesn't want to do the whole meeting mammy & daddy thing... it's stressful and unpleasant. Cook her dinner... and then cook her dinner... instead of inviting her round to meet mammy.. if you catch my drift.

Rockiemalt

i'm not an only child but pretty much as my bro and sis have both moved out and i'm the only one left at home. my parents give out if i come in late which gets very annoying as i'm nearly 20 and going into 2nd year on college!
I get the you don't care about us coming in this late lecture and we have to stay up till u come in.

What i just is ignore it now, it was kinda difficult at first but if u want to have any life its the only solution i coud find

good luck!