the experience of a lifetime

NaturalDelight

Hi, this is something i wrote while i was on my way home from a holliday. Im kinda ashamed to post it, coz its not really that good.. Its based around a metaphore, which im sure you will easily pick out. Please dont pass any judgement on me, just the writing! Its my first creative writing piece, i hope to do more, but i need to know what you think of my style.

Here it is, enjoy

________________________________________

i walk through old streets with laid back people in search of her
The days are so long here, nothing to do but relax and make big talk.
Not small talk as we know each other so well, 10 years of my life ive dedicated friendship to these people
10 years they have returned that friendship.

I found her in my wallet,
she looks so precious,
I know what the hype is
and why everyone says that a special being in your life can change you
and she did.

There may be contenders,
but shes different.
I had to have her,
everyone said change me and all all people
lets have a look see..

Others enter the group search as they sit idly by admiring the scenery and bliss,
instant friendship is formed as they know what we are experiencing,
They help us out, and we give them food from our fire,
Happy faces and friendship all around in exchange for a handshake

I can feel her with me now,
shes coursing through my veins,
Shes every thing i look at,
shes everything i hear
shes the warm happiness inside me

And so i start to think...

Everythings so different over here...
How could i live here?
I couldnt live here...
but everything is the way i want it to be back home.
Home is just right for me,
i cant wait to see the real love of my life waiting for me back home.
Over here its the hazy atmosphere, the friendly people,
the way everything is just so simple.
Back home its too...
stringant?

The simple things in life are over looked,
I never realised how beautiful life can be.
Dress, act do what you want, but stay in your personal space...
You can invite your love, or partener for the night into it and it can be magical
Its my bubble, i wanna keep it that way,
Maybe ill decide to share it with you... but..
if you want ill tell you what my bubble is like?

Sitting in my tent looking out at trees,
Wolves gaze back at me, Sweying back and forth with the leaves..
but there is no danger.
the grass grows tall here, over our vinal covers of our shelter to the sky,
I could touch the sky if i wanted, but i dont want to leave my friends alone.
Through a plastic device i see crystals in emmence detail,
i can only sit here and look at them, its so beautiful.
3 of us sit here in conversation, Giants amonst men, not a care in the world other than whats on the fire.

my hands appear huge, but i know its a mental projection of how i feel,
i put on my glasses and everythings so clear.
I think of the people back home, what they would think of me now and im.. worried..
The feeling that i am experiencing is utter bliss,
How can something be so wrong when its feels so right?

A rainbow of colours surrounds me,
im warm,
not from the weather, but from emotion and happiness
a picture of a special person back home triggers inhilation of butterflies, love and memories,
i wish she was here with me.

3 friends united in one feeling.
No alpha male here, just equality and bliss.
Equal respect and reassurance is givin to help enjoy the experience
and what an experience at that

The sky never looked so good,
The air never smelt so fresh,
The grass never looked so green,
the haste of an 11 hour journey to get to where we are was all worth it
Even though we could only be here for a couple of days..

I know when i return ill be a different person
I know when i return ill have stories to tell
i know when i return ill be able to associate with the stories ive heard

People have told me stories, and i worried for them while they told them
now, when i tell the story i want others to know it was the time of my life.

I also know that when i go home...

I can see the girl of my dreams

BEAT

hmmm, I have mixed feelings on this...mainly because it is your first piece of creative writing. I think it is important to remember that personal pieces mean a lot to us and that writing from experience is generally personal in nature.
I would say to keep writing, write about your feelings and other things, write more about your observations in your own words...how 'you' see things. This seems to be a good starting point for you after reading this piece.

Try and write a little something each day...until your words seem to flow and ideas are popping into your head everytime you blink your eyes.

Like the old saying goes...practice makes perfect

For a first try I would say it was good, though a bit detached and confusing at some points, but making a piece flow comes with time.

I would like to see you post some more to see your progress though, It is clear that you show an interest in creative writing and I'd like to see where you can take it.

Thanks for sharing.

NaturalDelight

thanks - i can't write properly at all, i know this! I do have alot of things flowing through my mind, but i cant put them on paper. The things that i put down on paper were actually gathered through photos and things i wrote down on the trip..

Its not about a girl - although the last line is... Its probably a bad topic, or the fact that all the things i wrote about where a hallucination of my mind. A first time experience in life that i was egar yet afraid to witness, that im glad i did in the end. The reason i wrote it like that was because thats how i felt as i was writing it in the first place... i thought that that would have been shown in the style, but it was probably me being over confident in my writing!

I think that this is a bad piece to post for many a reason as it more than likely paints a bad image of myself for future pieces because of the topic it was on.

I dont really like to write about the hard side of life, i think that happiness should overpower bad feelings

On another note, is this forum used for poetry only? Or can i just post something for you all to read? (i dont like writing poetry, i just like to put things down on paper)

Id like more feedback if its possible from yourself and other readers. I see alot of hits, but 1 reply.. so its blatent there is nothing really positive from the poeple that read it other than its a shallow piece or something..

If only i was better with words!

Thanks, i have more pieces(mentally prepared) that i want to post and you'l see em soon

BEAT

You must remember that "we are our own worst judge" and that the piece isnt bad, it is just a first attempt and people do not compare you yourself to what has been written.

We post anything that is creative writing in here, not just poetry so Post away!

remember that brain storming, writing freely as words come to you is a great help in writing...just write anything down that comes to mind, it doesnt have to form a sentence or make sense.
It is a tool that writers use...try it and see where it takes you

Petoria

Sorry, I didn't like that at all. Very stale, boring, unoriginal, and lacks imagination.

*this link has been removed due to allegations that the piece may have been stolen...until we hear from user we can not post it again.*

BEAT

well petoria, while your piece was quite exceptional you cant really compare it to what the original poster has written can you?

It is a first attempt at creative writing and we all were not born writers we were? So I would say that the original poster could get some tips from your story but doubt they are at the skill level you are at yet...thank for posting your story agin though...
I think I missed it the first time around

InBetweenIdeas

Hello, enjoyed the piece NaturalDelight. It's original, imaginative, and i admired its surreal honesty and the bit about the hands. Good stuff. I think i might understand what you were experiencing.
I must say I preferred it to the short story Petoria wrote. Though very different works, short story was dull with little emotional depth. Just my opinion. Thanks.
keep it up:)