Obsessed? I think I just may be...

LegacyUser

The weekend just gone, I got intimate with a man for the first time.

It came out of the blue, he's a guy I know on and off for the past 6 months.
I have had fantasies of what it would be like with another man for years but never
did anything about it and was always too scared to find out.

It was on a night out with a good 'girl' friend of mine who I hadn't seen in ages - i txtd him to come along as he

was having family problems and wasn't getting out much.
He rang and txtd me a couple times a day till the night out in question - I never thought he was interested in men,

in fact last time I was in his company he spent the most of the evening in an hotel bedroom with a girl he picked

up. He is seperated with 2 kids.

Anyway, I liked him and I suppose in the back of my mind, fancied him (not in an 'every minute of the day' way)

since i was introduced to him. Never thought anything could/would happen but it did a few days ago.

My old 'girl'friend went home early, me and yer man stayed on with other ppl and gradually ended up at the bar

drinking together. Outside for a smoke and he says
have I ever tried anything with a bloke...now here is where I get confused cos I didn't miss a heartbeat and told

him no I havent but yeah I would like to...

Well, it happened.
He asked me was I gay, I said no (I have a gf who I see every other week, been together 5 yrs know each other over

10yrs, it's easy going not heavy)
He said he's been with men and women since he was a teenager, always will be and he *knew* I was interested...thats

the sortof scary bit...I'm fck all use with signals etc...

He was meant to come back to my place but after we did the intimate bit we went back drinking got into another crowd

and I got pallatic and found meself in a taxi on me own.

Since then I can't stop thinking about him, and to be blunt want to do it again. I've txtd playing it cool, got one

reply sayting 'be cool' and finally gave in and phoned (twice - once straight thru to his mailbox cos I was

embarrassed to talk direct) Second time I phoned I got no answer.

I'm turning into an obsessive and now have a 99% feeling I was just a one-nighter, another notch. Thats fine - its

the non-return of calls that have me
at this stage really annoyed. I really like his company as a friend and though you wouldn't guess it from the above

rambling, I'm fairly mature and levelheaded but this was pretty momentous for me.

So, am I becoming a muppetbrained obsessive or is it natural to feel so let down and useless after something like

this?
Maybe it was a cr*p experience for him - though I don't think it was, honestly. ;-)

PS I have had one-nighters before, with women but none of whom I knew as such and it was always cool, no big deal.

thanks,

outofmymind

Beruthiel

Originally posted by outofmymind
So, am I becoming a muppetbrained obsessive or is it natural to feel so let down and useless after something like this?

I would have said that it's quite normal to feel this way, you’ve been with women before so you are used to it to some degree, this is different and so it’s normal to have the adrenalin rush thing going there especially if you've been turned on so much

I'm not sure I'd call him anymore though, you've done it a few times now so the balls in his court

Gordon

Moved from PI.

outofmymind - you may still post unregistered here.

ixoy

It's a sad thing that one nighters occur and that some people don't have the manners to reply to a text or phone call. Their reason for this may be guessed at, but it's also quite inexcusable. It's ill mannered and ill considerate and so you have my sympathy on that regard.

As for why you feel the need for this it's probably for the reasons stated by Beruthiel. There's a great rush. The first time you do something like that is going to stick in your head. In this case, given the circumstances, try and take it for what it was - a quick, one off encounter. Whether something like this is going to happen again to you, with someone else, is something that's now up to you. I doubt very much you're alone in this.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies, Beruthiel and ixoy.

Yes - the rush from this experience is/was incredible, I feel it subsiding from my mind a bit now. The last few days have been mental torture I tell ya.

I guess I'm more annoyed that I *think* I made a fool of myself with the few times I tried to contact him since, the feeling of no 'feedback' is crap and also the fact that more than likely a good friendship has gone by the wayside over a stupid phonecall is wrecking my head.

Aaarghhh.

Jpaulik

I think we've all been there at some stage. I certainly have been. Happened with a guy I didn't think was bi/gay. In the morning he was cold and awkward and started telling me "I'm not gay you know, I'm straight".

We were good friends beforehand with a lot of regular contact and he basically ignored me for ages afterward. Now and then he'd get drunk or horny and he'd make contact and proposition me for sex, but when he sobered up he'd change his mind and cancel a get together.

I just came to accept he was still unsure of himself and was not ready to admit that side of his personality. I'm still in contact with him and now just brush off his drunken advances. He's progressing slowly but steadily and now is more comfortable with the fact that at times he likes to play around with guys.

Don't be embarrassed about you trying to contact him, we'd all do that given the same situation. It' is natural to feel used and unwanted when they don't get back to you, but it's probably to do with him being uncomfortable with that side of his sexuality.

LegacyUser

Jpaulik,

I don't think he's too hung up on his bisexuality at all. He was quite forward in what he said to me, no hint of embarrassment or anything. I was drunker than him, tho not drunk enough to not know what was going on...he was very clear in what he wanted.

I'm more likely to be hung up unfortunately, tho I think of myself as a liberal guy - I'd like to know HOW he knew I'd be interested or does he just have a thing for living dangerously and chancing his arm??? I'm trying too hard to remember everything he said to me that night, I'm sure he said he knew I was gay, which I don't think I am... or maybe I am, I just dunno...that's obviously a whole new deck of cards...
Thinking about it, maybe me txting and calling p*ssed him off somewhat as he's pretty easygoing...I thought I was too! In my head, it's a cool friendship going down the pan, not the chance of a quick jump.

Oops my txting fingers are getting itchy again - I 'll have to bury me phone somewhere or I'll make a bigger tw*t of myself than I already have...


Thanks for the words tho...also reading another recent sortof the same post on this board was quite helpful (Ardam's)

dub45

Just a couple of thoughts and maybe questions for you.

Firstly you had a very good first gay sexual experience - dont underestimate this (I know the follow up has not been great) - lots of guys dont and end up full of guilt and so on.

You have talked a lot about the other guy but what is your own reaction to finding out that you could enjoy sex with another guy? How does it leave your ongoing relationship with your girlfriend - do you feel in any way different about it as a result of this?

If you met him again what would you want to happen? Would you want it to be the start of something regular?

bullit

Firstly you had a very good first gay sexual experience - dont underestimate this (I know the follow up has not been great) - lots of guys dont and end up full of guilt and so on.

I understand that. It was very exciting. All that I could have thought, and I have thought over the past numpteen years - well okay maybe not all :P. Oops, it was a bit seedy but at the time, at the instant it happened/began it was cool.

You have talked a lot about the other guy but what is your own reaction to finding out that you could enjoy sex with another guy?

I'm cool with it. I knew for ages that I wanted to try it out...and now I have I want it again. But I'm picky - I like(d) him, knew him, etc...does that make a difference?

The bit I'm not cool with is that he *knew* I was gay/bi/willing..how da feck? I always thought I knew I was in control of what vibes I gave out...it sounds pathetic but he firmly said he always knew that I was into it...I'm racking what brains I have left to try and figure out how I gave off that impression to him and by extension now, everybody.
This means a lot to me - I'm okay with folks but I'm not with folks knowing or thinking they know my business. I'm feckin liberal with a small el it seems and I'm cracking up over it and that kills me.


PS He replied tonight saying blah blah blah...ppl over from UK...blah blah...catch ya again...

I told him thank fck he wasn't a total fckin *****r and wished him the best in life.

Knobend.


signed

bullit (outofmymindfornogoodreason)

How does it leave your ongoing relationship with your girlfriend - do you feel in any way different about it as a result of this?

bullit

How does it leave your ongoing relationship with your girlfriend - do you feel in any way different about it as a result of this?

oops hit enter once too often there.

I had a couple of days down south with her ... I was ratty and she pissed off back home.
I love her for that. She won't put up with crap from me...we're cool.
She's strictly straight, she knows I think thunk thank the other thing.

If you met him again what would you want to happen? Would you want it to be the start of something regular?

Yes.Yes. Yes.

I think thats the way I came across to him, unfortunately.


Thanks for the input, I'm a bit happier but still want the git. i musta been s*it!!!



bullit

Jpaulik

Originally posted by bullit
The bit I'm not cool with is that he *knew* I was gay/bi/willing..how da feck? I always thought I knew I was in control of what vibes I gave out...it sounds pathetic but he firmly said he always knew that I was into it...I'm racking what brains I have left to try and figure out how I gave off that impression to him and by extension now, everybody.

Paranoid aren't we ? Well there may be a few reasons:

1) He is the type that thinks everyone is bi/gay and that everyone wants him. Listen to some groups of gay guys and you'll hear them comment on every cute guy that passes "Oh he so is" "yeah he's gay" "Did you see the way he looked at me ? Oh he wants me ! " etc

2) He may be good at reading subtle or not so subtle signs. Some people are good at that when the majority of people might not be.

3) It takes one to know one.

4) The big gay hair, the mincing walk, the high pitched voice and the flappy wrists might have given it away. (Joking ! )

bullit

Paranoid aren't we ?

YES! I feckin well am!

1) He is the type that thinks everyone is bi/gay and that everyone wants him. Listen to some groups of gay guys and you'll hear them comment on every cute guy that passes "Oh he so is" "yeah he's gay" "Did you see the way he looked at me ? Oh he wants me ! " etc

Ach, he's no oilpainting or bighead - thinking about the past few months he was sussing me out though see above - I am paranoid. Now.

2) He may be good at reading subtle or not so subtle signs. Some people are good at that when the majority of people might not be.

Oh yeah. He must be. Cos I SWEAR I didn't give any indication that I was into it. At all. I SWEAR........otoh, I'm sh*t at that type of thing (signals and such)

3) It takes one to know one

It does you know. though I didn't have a bogs about him. I am braindead, obviously. ;-)


I am at last beginning to laugh about this - when I first posted it was the end of the world to me but now, erm, maybe not...:)

) The big gay hair, the mincing walk, the high pitched voice and the flappy wrists might have given it away. (Joking ! )

I shave (necessity)
I slouch (years of being a boy)
I growl (years of getting my own way)
I'm not very handy.

!

Thanks mate, and all. I'm getting there. I've found out a few things about myself, not all complimentary I may add. But there you go.


(This has become like a very crap episode of the worst series of Friends. Without Phoebe)



signed

bullit

dub45

Its pretty important to be able to laugh at yourself in all of this and its good to see you doing that it gives a bit of perspective to the whole thing.

He may be genuinely perceptive and be able to spot people who are 'gayish' shall we say and there again he may not. He may have enjoyed playing a few mind games with you and letting you think that he was that perceptive.

Its important not to get hung up on that part always remember most people are far too worred about what you think of them to be worrying about whether you are gay or not. And if you did broadcast any signs of rampant homsexuality I am sure that it would have been mentioned to you long before now. People do tend to point out such things.

Rather than allow yourself to get too involved with this other guy - realistically nothing 'serious' is going to happen with him as he obvously has found a way of dealing with his bi side while staying 'straight' - would you not consider exploring by meeting a few other guys and see what happens?

And a parting thought always remember the only normal people are the ones you dont know well!!!!

Jpaulik

Originally posted by bullit

I shave (necessity)
I slouch (years of being a boy)
I growl (years of getting my own way)
I'm not very handy.

Dad ? Is that you ? Hehe.

As others have said, you should move on, you know this yourself although like so many others before you, you'll probably have to learn the hard way. I'm sure looking back in a few months at this thread you'll smile and think how much you've learned since.

bullit

Its pretty important to be able to laugh at yourself in all of this and its good to see you doing that it gives a bit of perspective to the whole thing

Yeah, you're so right saying that. I am still slightly annoyed and sort of have a lost feeling but it's not the end of the world like it seemed a day or two ago. I'm still wanting more, wanting him especially but hey, there ya go. You can't have everything.

Rather than allow yourself to get too involved with this other guy - realistically nothing 'serious' is going to happen with him as he obvously has found a way of dealing with his bi side while staying 'straight' - would you not consider exploring by meeting a few other guys and see what happens?

I may do, but he was 'safe' if you know what I mean. I *liked* him. I don't think I could go through a stack of one-nights to find the bloke I liked....that sounds stupid but...
I suppose I could try and stop thinking through my b*llocks and go out and meet some likeminded blokes but, I dunno - he took care of that effort if you know what I mean.
It now sounds as if I want to move in with him, but all it consisted of was sex. Pure and simple. I guess I want no hassles, no callback eh, just like him.

I suppose he made it comfortable for me to have my first gay experience.
I'm off to thank him...Not.

And a parting thought always remember the only normal people are the ones you dont know well!!!!

Eh? okay dub. I mean, bud.





signed

bullit

bullit

As others have said, you should move on, you know this yourself although like so many others before you, you'll probably have to learn the hard way. I'm sure looking back in a few months at this thread you'll smile and think how much you've learned since.

I've learned, I've learned. oi vay,.....but still grumble about it now and then.

Where's me Werthers???


cheers all


signed


bullit