ratty 2 my missus

zag

Hey all,

I'm having trouble with my girlfriend. We are going out nearly a year now. We started off dating when she was living in an apartment, for about 9 months. We are now living in a house together renting, so we see each other morning and night. We usually get on pretty well, but I have the tendancy to get pissed off and over sensitive for the slightest thing, especially in the morning, and I don't go in for the theory,"I'm not a morning person", because then you are categerising what you are, and making it harder for change. But, especially in the mornings, I can be tempramental, and ratty towards her, lets say, if she turned me down for sex. I stop making eye contact, and deliberatly scowl, and I'm really pissed off doing that to her. Don't get me wrong, she does scowl too, and bite also, but it's really got to stop. Any advice?

hedgetrimmer

There is always a period of adjustment when you move in with someone, and a high degree of compromise when you are gonig out with that person. You no longer have the freedom, as it were, to live as you did, and this can have the undercurrent of eroding, or appearing to erode, your identity, which can cause huge frustration.

The best thing to do is talk to her about you feeling this way - you may find out that she is feeling the same and that you can work it out. The key to living together is constant and open communication - without that ye are sunk.

So talk to her, and the weight will lift off your shoulders.

Good luck

zag

Thanks for the sincere advice, hedge, but, I don't know what to say to her. I'm stuck for words, besides, she tries to avoid such conversations.

hedgetrimmer

Well, the reality there, mate, is that if you don't talk about, it will just keeping going on and maybe get worse. Ye are going have to have "such conversations" a lot as you adjust to living with each other, and there is huge benefit in them.

There is no set formula, no standard wording. Just say it to her one evening, about the way way you have been feeling on edge, and ask her what she thinks and how she feels. Just be honest, and open to her telling you stuff too. Never let a minor misunderstanding ruin a great friendship/ relationship

Beruthiel

Originally posted by zag
Thanks for the sincere advice, hedge, but, I don't know what to say to her. I'm stuck for words, besides, she tries to avoid such conversations.

ok
perhaps to soften the mood, some flowers or some such

then, I just wanted to have a little talk with you honey
just needed to say, sorry for being such a grumpy boots, especially in the morning, I supposed you've noticed, and I didn't want this to become an issue, is there anything I can do to make this better....
let her take it from there

seamus

If it's a morning thing, try arranging it so that you get up a little earlier than her. Then she goes back to sleep, and you get up. If you are both leaving early, then come back to her after you've had something to eat and woken up a little.

I say that you're the one who should get up early because of the sex thing. Us men like our sex in the morning. Always, without exception. It has to do with a little shot of testosterone we get just after dawn. Women sometimes like sex in the morning, sometimes they don't. Some hate it altogether. If she was the one who got up first, you'd be awakened, horny, and would just as easily get pissed off, and probably not go back to sleep. By being the one who gets up earlier, you know that she needs more sleep, so hopefully you'll let her get it.

I know a few people who are grumpy in the morning, but return to form 15 minutes later after a bowl of weetabix and a cup of coffee. Maybe that's all you need?

zag

Ok. I've taken all that on board. So how does this plan sound:

Set alarm on fone for around 6:15, that's 45 minutes earlier than usual. Go down stairs, smoke, coffee, come back up and shower. meditate for fifteen minutes(I'm learning buddhist meditations btw to calm me down!). Go down stairs, feed the dogs(she will be in the shower at this stage) feed fish, and make breakfast for her. Do all the household bits she does herself before going to work(dishwasher, clothes etc.).
Put the radio on, and sit and relax with some orange juice while she eats her breakfast. Ask her would she like to go for a walk after work(we live near Slieve Bloom, and she's been pining to go for ages). On the way home, pick up some flowers in a florist(lillies are her fave, but we have some at home already =( any suggestions there?
There's this really expensive really good resteraunt called Fiacri house, I will book it for that night. When I give her the flowers, I make some tea, and say,
"I just wanted to have a little talk with you honey, just needed to say, sorry for being such a grumpy boots, you've noticed, and I didn't want this to become an issue, is there anything I can do to make this better...."
I got the inspiration for the words just now, like a flash into my skull(thanks beruth=)
Have a few drinks in the resteraunt, and then see how it goes.

hedgetrimmer

Sounds like a solid plan, zag. Good luck

Beruthiel

that will work
without a shadow of doubt

zag

Have to say, thanks guys.

Beruthiel - You have great insight into what women want(no plugs for movies here

Seamus - And you have great understanding of the male libido!

hedgetrimmer - Sincere and Insightful advice, man.

Cheers to the lot of ye...ye should have a tv prog by now

zag

At the expense of looking like a dick, I'm posting this email that I sent to her, and her reply, chamone. Thank God for words!

Here it is:

Everytime that I fall down,
Youre there to kick my arse,
Anytime I'm daydreaming,
You expose my little farce.

If I were to say my mind was solid,
You'd be my gravity,
That brings me back when I'm adrift,
You wake my sanity.

I'm an ass and you're a woman,
Possessed of all good virtue,
I mess up, and waste your time
but I love you girl it's true.

Sometimes at dawn I feel forlorn,
And don't let harmony in,
I start you off with a mind that's torn,
And create a brooding din.

I apologise, for all it's worth,
And will pursue a more gentle path,
The last thing I want is to cause you hurt,
And feel the extent of my misused wrath.

You are and mean the world to me,
You're probably sick of hearing it,
But I will endevour, stick with me,
And I will make it worth it.

Forget about the pain,
Forget about torment and grief,
Take on a life free from strain,
And expose those hidden reefs.

I won't let my temper get in our way,
From this day consider it at bay,
No more shifty breakfast eyes,
No more hurting, and tears in eyes.

Unnessasary pain no more,
I love you girl, I know I'm a chore,
But I would lay down my life for you,
You can walk on me with high heel shoes!

Please love me back, I love you so much,
Zag



The Reply:

Thanks for such a sweet sweet poem wish I was poetic, as it made my heart
melt.
Come home on time after work so I can spend a bit of quality time with you
before the girls call out
Love you sooo much too

Beruthiel

be sure to let us know how you get on

seamus

zag. You're probably the last man on these forums who needs relationship advice

Fionn101

can we highlight , underline , make bold and increase to font size 200 hedgetrimmers words :

"The key to living together is constant and open communication - without that ye are sunk."

this is so fruckin true , in any relationship , if in doubt just talk about it ..

the only thing to consider is when and where are best to talk about these things, heat of the moment is rarely a good time


take it easy

Fionn

zag

Thanks for the vote of confidence Seamus, but sometimes what I think and what I do are two different things! I can be a selfish fukker at times, and I end up suppressing it, that's why I started meditation, do deal with these fukked up single-minded emotions.

hedgetrimmer

Well the fact that you are willing to go to this trouble, are aware of your emotions and how they relate to and imapct upon events, and conscious of the relationship and its working gives you both a better chance than many. It appears that you are pretty solid and this is just teething worries at the start of a new phase of your lives together.

As the lady said...

Love you sooo much too

zag

Aye, only too painfully aware of my emotions! We said at the start of the move, that we would try and keep an open communicative relationship, and I have to say, it's easier said than done. But, it is worth working at, it yields benificial results for both people. Anytime I have ever vented frustration or talked to Gemma about how I was feeling, in an open a creative way, we have both ended up better for it. Thanks guys for giving this issue some airtime.

zag

BTW-Hedge, you should consider a career in counselling

hedgetrimmer

Of course it is much easier said than done - that's the challenge in making a relationship work. And it is not humanly possibly to openly communicate all the time, and bringing that understanding to the fore is also part of the relationship challenge. And you are right, you both learn to grow as people.

As for the counselling...funny you should say that I'll be looking into it when I get back to ireland in August. Thanks for the vote of confidence

zag

I was wondering about that, I mean the couselling. You have a good head on those shoulders of yours. I think counselling is a very arduous, but very noble pursuit. I am far too lazy to pursue such a path, although it intruiges me.

hedgetrimmer

My parents are trained, though approaching retirement, and they said the courses are very very challenging, opening up you a lot and very emotionally draining. Which is only right an proper that you go through it to help other go through something similar.

Sure you never know, if I go down that path, I'll keep you posted

Typedef

Originally posted by Beruthiel
ok
perhaps to soften the mood, some flowers or some such

Bah.

Take the slipper to her.

Failing that, bring her back to the shop and demand your money back.

zag

Just to let yall know how I got on:

Left work yesterday, and headed home to her. Kissed her, told her I was sorry for being a grumpy ass hole in the morning and things were going to change. Went to bed..........
then I cooked dinner, cleaned up, and went fishing(her friend was coming over for a pedicure=). Came home, just cuddled for a while, went to bed.
Got up at, 6:30am, went down, fed dogs, fed fish, cleaned up after sh*tty pup, washed dishes, washed and hung out clothes. Made breakfast, woke Gemma, went to meditate while she was in the shower. Went down, put on radio, had all her stuff organised for her(phone, keys, bag etc.) Went to work, she was major impressed. She's working abit late tonight, but have booked the really nice resteraunt for 9:15
It's all going to plan.

hedgetrimmer

Wonderful! Hope the dinner goes as well. Thanks for letting us know it's going well, mate

Cabaal

Originally posted by zag
Just to let yall know how I got on:

Sounds like a well layed out day, goo luck man

zag

Relationship problems have all but disappeared, meal went well last night. The food and more importantly, the mood was great. Thanks for all the help guys, hope I can do the same some time.

arkles

keep at it zag, one swallow dont make a summer

zag

Aye, there is that too. How easy it is to slip back into mediocraty and inconsistancy. I will be ever vigilant. Good advice.

Zulu

Originally posted by Typedef
Bah.

Take the slipper to her.

Failing that, bring her back to the shop and demand your money back.

Hear, hear. Finally another meat eating male.

dub45

Several books on relationships that I have browsed (at a time of personal crisis of course!) have pointed out that relationships follow a broad pattern and that in particular in and around the 12 month stage (maybe earlier maybe later ) the intial euphoria dies away and both partners see each other as just 'ordinary' and this can be a critical stage in relationships. Apparently quite a lot of people cannot cope without that euphoria with the result that a lot of relationships end at this stage and the search begins again.

Just occurred to me seeing as you mentioned that you had been involved for about 12 months!

TomTom

Originally posted by arkles
keep at it zag, one swallow dont make a summer

No but it makes a very good girl friend.

















(sorry)