my boyfriend keeps me secert

pinkgreen311 · 24-05-2004 3:45pm #1

i have recentely discovered that my boyfriend of 2 years is keeping things we do together a seceret from his friends ,
we went to paris (his idea) last weekend from thurs - mon he treated me like a princess ...fancy dinners every evening he bought me a gorgeus dress and perfume we had the best time ever felt so close to him .
but last wendesday we were out for a walk and bumped into one of his good firends
it was his best friends b-day the weekend we were away and he was a bit mad at my boyfriend for not going out with him for his birthday but instead of telling him he was away with me he told him he was really sick at the week end and had to stay in bed.
i was a bit confused by this and asked him why he lied to him and my boyfried said that if he had told him that he had gone away with me that his mate would of been slaggin him ?????
what do u make of that my bf is 25 and i am completely baffled by hiis behaviour

Nala · 24-05-2004 3:47pm

Maybe he was afraid that his mate would be offended that he didnt go to his party cos he was away with you instead.

Sleepy · 24-05-2004 3:48pm

Your boyfriend either needs to grow up a bit or he needs new friends. Simple really.

seamus · 24-05-2004 3:49pm

Originally posted by pinkgreen311
i have recentely discovered that my boyfriend of 2 years is keeping things we do together a seceret from his friends ,
we went to paris (his idea) last weekend from thurs - mon he treated me like a princess ...fancy dinners every evening he bought me a gorgeus dress and perfume we had the best time ever felt so close to him .
but last wendesday we were out for a walk and bumped into one of his good firends
it was his best friends b-day the weekend we were away and he was a bit mad at my boyfriend for not going out with him for his birthday but instead of telling him he was away with me he told him he was really sick at the week end and had to stay in bed.
i was a bit confused by this and asked him why he lied to him and my boyfried said that if he had told him that he had gone away with me that his mate would of been slaggin him ?????
what do u make of that my bf is 25 and i am completely baffled by hiis behaviour

His mates are obviously children. I wouldn't worry about it too much, so long as they know you exist, and he doesn't neglect you for fear of being slagged.
Do you know his mates well, or at all?

koneko · 24-05-2004 3:55pm

Tell him to grow some backbone, he can't keep that up forever. Heh, say you're getting married he'll be telling them a relative died instead.

Also, if his mates would slag him over him going away with his girlfriend for the weekend, they obviously have the mental ages of 7 year olds.

pinkgreen311 · 24-05-2004 3:56pm

i know his friends. His best mate (the one in question )doesnt like me for some reason, i dont know what it is i have never do anything against and i always make an effort when i see him
my boyfriend says that he is jealous of me because my bf is always with me and not him
but this makes things awkard because i am never allowed go out with them at the weekend because i am not a "lad"

Gordon · 24-05-2004 3:58pm

You're not a lad? I hope your boyfriend knows this fact..

I'd be pretty insulted if it were me in your position to be honest. It's quite surprising that he is 25. Are you quite a bit younger than him?

pinkgreen311 · 24-05-2004 4:02pm

im 21 my birthday is in july so there isn't a huge gap ,

fitz · 24-05-2004 4:02pm

Perhaps another option hasn't been looked at?
Maybe your boyfriend didn't want his friend to resent you even more than he obviously already does.

I mean, how would the mate react:

"So you coming out to my birthday?"
"No, going away with the missus"
"**** sake, you're choosing her over me?!"

The friend is obviously a catty man-bitch, and it is possible that your boyfriend didn't want to further aggrivate his mate against you.

He's also hardly going to admit this, cause that would mean admitting that his mate openly dislikes you, which isn't the nicest thing for you to hear.

Just another slant on it.
Give him the benefit of the doubt.

At the end of the day, he took you to Paris, he obviously prefered that to going to his mates brithday. It's the way he treats you that you should judge him on, not his fucked up relationship with his petty, childish mates...

seamus · 24-05-2004 4:04pm

Originally posted by pinkgreen311
but this makes things awkard because i am never allowed go out with them at the weekend because i am not a "lad"

If this makes you unhappy, bring it up. Me and my gf haven't gone out at the weekend in a good while because her mates aren't the kind of people I hang around with, and she's the same with my mates. If we go out together it's just the two of us, or my brothers or her sisters. But we're happy otherwise not to be going out on the piss together every weekend.

If you're not happy, you don't have to put up with it. Don't be afraid to rock the boat a little. You're going out 2 years ffs.

Beruthiel · 24-05-2004 4:08pm

Originally posted by pinkgreen311
i was a bit confused by this and asked him why he lied to him and my boyfried said that if he had told him that he had gone away with me that his mate would of been slaggin him ?????
what do u make of that my bf is 25 and i am completely baffled by hiis behaviour

lol
I didn't think blokes like this still existed, obviously your b/f isn't a 'hard man' but his mates are and he also has to pretend to be one while out with them. Tis a bit sad that at the age of 25 he feels he still has to behave like this, how can these be real mates if he doesn't feel comfortable with them knowing how he really is? All I can say is god help any g/f's these friends of his have!

I wouldn't worry, he treats you right, but I'd be sad for him I suppose, he should find himself some real friends.

joePC · 24-05-2004 4:10pm

if he had told him that he had gone away with me that his mate would of been slaggin him ?????

Hes 25 you said........

Jesus, 25 & still worries about what his so called friends think. Tell him to grow up..... I think you pass that phase in 1st year.......:)

Anyways nothing to worrie about, just needs to grow up a bit....

Thanks JoePC

Corksham · 24-05-2004 4:27pm

I have a spare backbone if he is interested, if he loves you then he shouldn't care too much what his friends think. I'd hate to have friends like that, if that was one of my posse I'd say fair play

Stark · 24-05-2004 4:41pm

Don't judge the friend too harshly, it's a simple concern - "Why didn't you come out with me for my birthday?". I'd be a little hurt too, doesn't make me childish. And you don't know if your boyfriend was telling the truth about the slagging, it could be just an excuse, maybe he really didn't want to admit he was choosing you over his friend.

The Corinthian · 24-05-2004 4:48pm

Originally posted by fitz
"So you coming out to my birthday?"
"No, going away with the missus"
"**** sake, you're choosing her over me?!"

"And if you changed gender and learned how to suck ****, I might reconsider the matter."

secret_squirrel · 24-05-2004 8:04pm

Are you sure its his mates are the ones at fault?

Sounds like he's the one with the problem. If he cares enough about you to splash out on a nice weekend, he should care enough to proudly announce how much he cares for you in front of his mates.

Ask yourself dont you deserve to be acknowledged as a couple in front of all of his mates?

Could he be taking advantage of you coz you're a little younger than him? If you were 19 when you met him is it your first serious relationship? Is he trying to have his cake and eat it too?
Confront him (reasonably) about this.

Also not being funny but is there any reason he wants to keep you away from his mates? Whats he like when he's out with them I wonder?

Is it only me wondering if this guy is trustworthy and deserves you? (I may be blowing things outa proportion a little here, but I'd thought I'd play devils advocate)

(sorry for the rant, your story got me riled on your behalf for some reason
:mad: )

Victor · 24-05-2004 8:24pm

Make his friend like you by giving him the occasional blow job.[DBC voice off]

Originally posted by The Corinthian
"And if you changed gender and learned how to suck ****, I might reconsider the matter."

Hmmm, I had an interesting but not quite parallel thought - is the boyfriend playing away from home, with male friends?

qwertyphobia · 24-05-2004 8:29pm

we bit of a drama calling the thread "my boyfriend keeps me secert " which would be a big problem.

Instead it's a case of your boyfriend not telling his mate that he went away to paris with his girlfriend on his mates birthday, bit odd but not really a big deal unless there is more stuff like it going on

Red Alert · 24-05-2004 9:02pm

I think it's a bit strange really, but then again it's not really causing much of a bother by the looks of things. Some of my mates have g/f's like me, other's don't - everyone more or less knows who's with who, it's something to talk about if we're bored!

Peace · 24-05-2004 9:05pm

If i had brought my missus away to paris and bought her loads of good stuff and done a bit o nasty

then i'd be shouting it from the rooftops.

Go figure.

BrianD3 · 24-05-2004 10:02pm

I'm pretty much repeating what Beruthiel has said, except from a male perspective. Yes, it could well be that your b/f likes to portray himself as a "jack the lad" among his mates. A bad-boy with a "treat 'em mean keep 'em keen" attitude. Someone who brags about having one night stands and using women for sex. Etc. etc.

However, it's all a load of BS. The truth is that he has a girlfriend and has brought her to Paris for a romantic weekend. This doesn't sit well with the image he likes to portray to his mates, so he tries to hide it from them. If they find out, he gets slagged for being "soft" or "pussy whipped"

This sort of ridiculous machismo is very common in groups of immature, insecure males. Usually, guys grow out of this by the time they reach 20 or 21 but some never grow out of it. At 25, he could still be prone to this.

Still, if you like him and he treats you well, what's the problem? His relationship with his mates shouldn't be a concern unless it affects you adversely which it clearly doesn't. I bet he doesn't give a sh1t about your relationship with your mates and couldn't care less if you have an argument with one of them about missing a brithday etc. So I don't see any problem. If he feels the need to lie/brag to his mates or treat them like sh1t, just let him get on with it.

BrianD3

minority · 24-05-2004 10:09pm

best advice i have is get a life and stop being a drama queen.
If you need to listen to all the rubbish you read here from the self styled 'agony aunts' you obviously arent very strong are you?

Peace · 24-05-2004 10:14pm

Originally posted by minority
best advice i have is get a life and stop being a drama queen.
If you need to listen to all the rubbish you read here from the self styled 'agony aunts' you obviously arent very strong are you?

muppet

TOMSIE · 24-05-2004 10:16pm

mabeye if you could give a little bit more information its very hard to know if its his fault or the friends its hard to judge a fellow if you dont really know him and his friends.

alleepally · 24-05-2004 10:18pm

If your bf is worried about getting slagged about you, maybe there's more to it that. Maybe there's bullying going on or something? Bring it up with your b/f and ask him straight out what's going on at work.

minority · 24-05-2004 10:18pm

Originally posted by Peace
muppet

see what i mean. At the end of the day they dont have anything constructive advice to give you do they.

Joe23 · 24-05-2004 10:32pm

Originally posted by Beruthiel
he should find himself some real friends.

And what makes them not real friends exactly? They don't like his girlfriend that hardly makes them not real friends. I don't think the situation would be helped by her going out with them, its not a case that you're not male, its a case of people act differently around there partners.

I'm pretty much repeating what Beruthiel has said, except from a male perspective. Yes, it could well be that your b/f likes to portray himself as a "jack the lad" among his mates. A bad-boy with a "treat 'em mean keep 'em keen" attitude. Someone who brags about having one night stands and using women for sex. Etc. etc.

However, it's all a load of BS. The truth is that he has a girlfriend and has brought her to Paris for a romantic weekend. This doesn't sit well with the image he likes to portray to his mates, so he tries to hide it from them. If they find out, he gets slagged for being "soft" or "pussy whipped".

Where the hell are you people gettign all this infomation from. Listen if he's lieing to his best friend then he can lie to you love. Most likely he didn't tell his mate about it because he didn't want to hurt his feelings, I doubt he would have actually been slagged about it, or more to the point have cared. Do you no think this is more likely?

Jesus, 25 & still worries about what his so called friends think.

Whats with the aggression there, as I've said they could be great friends, but feel that theres a major part of him life they are not apart of. I'd feel the same if it was my best friend. Except I'd have no problems getting along with the girl. Example is a close friend of mine is going out with a complete ****ing bitch (trust me on this you don't want to know what this girl has been up to behind his back) but she thinks we're friends

Chinafoot · 25-05-2004 12:43am

oh thank god im not the only person this has happened to! except my ex didnt keep stuff we did a secret.....he kept me a secret. we were going out for a year and his best mate HATED me with a passion. when i confronted him on the shít stirring he had been doing, he admitted that he didnt like me because i was taking his best mate away from him! this didnt bother me too much because at the end of the day i was going out with Derek, not his mate and there was no need for us all to be out together. he would go out with the lads and i'd go out with the girls on a saturday after we spent the friday together.
this was all good til the best mate started stirring it up with my ex's mam! she then threw a hissy fit and told him to break up with me or move out of the house!! so he said we had to break up!!! of course i was devastated as i thought i was in love and i begged him not to do it. so what did he decide........"we can stay together but nobody can find out" and me being a big muppet said "okay!"
so for the following three months i was kept a secret. when he finally told her we were together she banned me from her house. we lasted another 9months but all the crap got too much for me. so i broke up with him.

i know its a different situation from yours but im sure you still felt crappy when he lied about where he was. and it does hurt. im not saying you should dump him or anything but its definately something you talk to him about if its bothering you. but at the end of the day just remember that you're going out with him and not his mates. if you dont get on with them it needn't be a big deal.

Gordon · 25-05-2004 6:08am

Originally posted by minority
see what i mean. At the end of the day they dont have anything constructive advice to give you do they.

Do you not think that there is any good advice on this thread?

If not please feel free to comment on the advice and add your own thoughts on any advice given.

fitz · 25-05-2004 7:42am

Eh, in fairness, I reckon he didn't wanna have a bust up with his mate about blanking the birthday. If he had told the truth, that would have drawn the original poster into the argument/ill feeling.

This is nothing to do with backbone/keeping stuff secret/untrustworthiness.

Is hassle prevention from a bloke who has friends that are obviously insecure and childish.

MojoMaker · 25-05-2004 11:14am

Spot on - no more, no less. Let that be the conclusion of the thread. The mystery is solved.

Joe23 · 25-05-2004 2:55pm

Look at it this way, would you rather he used you as an excuse. Don't mean to sound abite bad here, but maybe he didn't choose you over his friends birthday, maybe he had no intention of going and decided that he might as well treat you right.

peachypants, you honestly didn't feel bad about coming between a guy and his closest friend? Its a very different relationship then women have with there best friends. A best friend is no someone you can replace once he's gone. Maybe he hated you because you had no reguard for what had come before you. As they say partners come and go, but friends are always there.

Typedef · 25-05-2004 6:28pm

People tell white lies all the time .

Honestly. Your man took you away. Paid for everything. Treated you like the sun shone out of various place on yourself.... and all you have to say is

"Why did he lie to his best friend about blanking his birthday party"?

Are you high maintenance or what?

The Corinthian · 25-05-2004 11:10pm

Originally posted by Typedef
Honestly. Your man took you away. Paid for everything. Treated you like the sun shone out of various place on yourself.... and all you have to say is

"Why did he lie to his best friend about blanking his birthday party"?

Are you high maintenance or what?

The man has a point.

red_ice · 26-05-2004 12:42am

a friend of mine that i was in the pub with tonight us just back from hollidays with his GF... he told me that they did allllll the things that you just said... and, he bought her the stuff you got from yours..

How odd is that? Difference is... hes 21 not 25

Id laugh if you lied about his age, becasue if know who you are, then you would be a first for him... as he usually had gfs for about a week.. not 2 years

oneweb · 26-05-2004 12:52am

Maybe your boyfriend's ashamed to admit he's straight? And/Or his "best friend" has more than a friendly/chumly/mately interest in him? Aren't both the points I've made exactly the same? Don't I ask a lot of questions?

Ask HIM. Not us. For one, I'm not phsychic - I never have been and I never will be. And I'm pretty sure that would apply to everyone else here. And those who say they aren't have already seen you coming.

my boyfriend keeps me secert

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