Having some doubts - need advice

havingdoubts

Okay, I don't know where to start....

I've been in a relationship with a girl for 4 years now, and I really love her. I think she is gorgeous and we really get on great together. However a recent incident has really got me messed up in the head about our relationship.

Its a bit complex but I'll try to tell it anyways.. essentially were both college students, and she is a year ahead of me. (well she isn't a student anymore as she just finished college a week ago and will be graduating soon).

Anyways we were both having our finals. We study in Dublin. (hers finished recently).

So it started when she got some study leave for her finals. This happened at the beginning of april (sorry the chronology is kinda important to understand the situation). She decided to go back to the UK to stay with her family. I had a big final coming up in a two or three weeks time and it would have been nice, if she had stayed and helped me a bit through it. My exam was on the 22nd or so of April.So I was a little miffed when she left, but I understood that she had to study and had family issues.

Now after my exam i had a months leave to study for my exam. Initially I had planned on staying in dublin and studying there, and helping her through her finals when she came back. But I was a bit spiteful, and also felt that why shouldn't I look out for myself? So I had my family book me a flight for the 23rd of april to come home to the UK to study for my exams.

When I told her this on the phone, she flipped. Went absolutely nuts, about how I was abandoning her, and how much she needed my help etc etc etc. Its because she needed someone to practise her clinical skills on, and i'm better than her clinically while she is better than me theoretically. Now I had originally planned on helping her but after she went back home without a second thought for my exam I felt that perhaps I should do the same.

In any case, I relented. I asked her when her exam was and asked my family to change my flight back home to that date. (luckily they hadn't booked the flight yet so it wasn't a big issue). This meant me staying an extra 10-11 days or so in dublin. Now I knew that I wouldn't be able to study as well in dublin as I could at home, but I was willing to make this sacrifice for her.

I told her that i had made this change over the phone, and she was still not satisfied. I told her that my flight would be booked soon for the 4th of May as she had told me her exam was on the 3rd. Anyways she wanted me to stay for longer.

So i told her that if she came back on the 18th or 19th of april, (like 2 or 3 days before my exam). and helped me then I would contact my family and ask them to cancel my trip home. She didn't do this and didn't return till the day of my exam.

Anyways it turned out that she hadn't been sure about the date of her exam and it wasn't on the 3rd but much later like the 11th of May. And she wanted me to stay on. Now my family had already booked the flight for me to come home and booking a new flight at the last moment would cost us money. She did a lot of emotional blackmail and fought with me like hell ( which prevented me from studying at the time) and said that I couldn't stay with her for 2 days extra for her exams? She threatened to leave me etc. and really threw huge tantrums. So in the end i gave in, and booked my flight for the 8th, which was as much time as i could spare as I really needed to study for my exams.

Now her exams finished on the 14th or so, and she's back in the UK.
I'm in the UK right now too and my exam starts on the 27th. I asked her if she would come help me a bit during my exams and she's refused ofc. She has to come to dublin ANYWAY on the 1st, because of her garduation, but she's going back to the UK on the 3rd. I had asked her if she would stay for a week.

Now this seems like big double standards on the surface but she says she has valid reasons.

Firstly she says that her family needs her. this is kinda true, her family do have some problems, so i kind of understand that.
2ndly she says her mom has done a lot for her in accepting our relationship or atleast not openly opposing it too much despite her mom's personal beliefs and that she owes her mom big for this "personal sacrifice". So her mom's needs clearly outweigh mine and therefore she must stay with her mother to help her for her exams, which happen to coincide with mine.
But I should still have had no problem staying because my family doesn't have needs, or because their problems aren't as important/serious.
and I could just as easily study in dublin (which i felt i couldn't as i get easily distracted).

the problem is that this is the way things have been for the past 4 years. It seems that whenever its her family or me, she always chooses what her family wants. I always give her first priority over anyone else but she doesn't do the same for me. Every time she has had a holiday or anything in the past and i have needed her she has left, but i'm always happy to stay in dublin to be with her during my holidays, this is the only time that i got sick of it and decided to oppose her. And now after all this i'm seriously confused about if I really want to marry someone who it seems will never give me priority over her family.

Is there really a double standard or am I just being too needy?
Does her claim that her family needs her "more" justify this every time?
We've had disagreements in the past but always worked out a compromise... but on this issue we seem stuck..
she thinks i should be more understanding
i think that if your gonna be married your first priority should be to each other. I accept that she needs to do stuff for her family too and maybe i'm being selfish, but I don't want to spend my entire life being 2nd choice in her decisions.
i have a lot more questions in my head but i don't seem to be able to articulate them right now.

thing is, i do really love her.. and when we ARE together things are usually great. She does compromise a lot on other issues, but then so do I.

But right now I just really feel let down... maybe its just the exam stress thats making it all worse?
after her exam was over she did appologise for the way she acted, but she says its because she was stressed, but she still doesn't think she needs to come help me as her mom takes priority etc etc etc... so i'm rambling now..

i'd really appreciate your thoughts and advice on all this.


p.s. sorry if i'm accidentaly reposting this, but my post does not seem to be coming up on the forum

Lainey

i think you should take a little time out from each other for a while.. your heads being messed up is not going to help in your exams.. decide to meet up after the exams are over to see where you feel your future lies.. you obv have problems with not coming first to her and you should make this clear to her.. i don't understand how she owes her mother for 'accepting the relationship'.. she is after all an adult and you shouldn't suffer for her families beliefs.. this is her issue to sort out in my opinion as it's her family...
hope things work out ok for you..

Ellesmere

Are the two of you joined at the hip or something? It doesn’t sound like feel secure with her commitment to the relationship. You’ve been going out for four years, but it seems like you didn’t lay down the ground rules in the first year.

It sounds like you’ve established a pattern of unhealthy expectations on each other and your already starting to develop these for marriage. You need communicate with each other better, let each other know your intentions well in advance.

It’s wrong to think you ‘need’ someone to help with study. Look at any nerd and you can bet they study alone. This sounds like an issue more about individual space. Keep in mind that your not married and respect each others need for space and individual time for your families.

You didn’t make it clear whether you were living together in Dublin. What will be the situation in the future, are you going to have a long distance relationship from a point of living together? I think this is what you should be giving serious consideration to and planning this together; never mind ‘helping each other to study’.

RicardoSmith

As we don't know what her family issues are we can't take that into consideration. So other than that from the way you tell the story its seems like its a very one sided relationship. There should be give and take on both sides. But you know this and are (rightly in my opinion) unhappy with it otherwise you wouldn't have posted. So tell her this and either shes willing to change or shes not. After that you have to make a judgement call.

Sound like you are both very "needy". Time to grow out of that.

senordingdong

Sounds to me (from what you have said) like its all double standards with her. Is that really the case (does she always have double standards) or is it just the way you have put the arguement across?

Miguel_Sanchez

Thank you Lord for double-standard bearing women.

Of course it's unreasonable of her but there are a lot of women (and men) like that out there. Lay down the law - in you cave in to her all the time she'll just keep expecting her way no matter how unreasonable it is. I decided a while ago that any relationship should be serioulsy reconsidered if this sort of carry on is perpetrated by either person. Saves a lot of hassle in the long run.

I have been no help.

That is all.

fitz

She was applying double-standards, you were being spiteful.
Neither of which is a sign of people loving or respecting each others feelings.

This is probably all down to your heads being wrecked by exams.
But it may not be.

Some people are more attached/closer to their family than others.
Accept that.

Work on your communication, set each others expectations.

But for Christ sake, don't do it in the middle of your finals!

Wait until you're both finished, then go away for a weeks holidays, relax and talk.
Explain how much she means to you, and raise any issues you have, but cover yourself by saying that these issues arose when you were under exam stress, and you realise you may be reading into things too much.

She may just come out with exactly the same thing.

Or she may not.
If you continue to treat each other like this after all the exam stress is gone, maybe you need to look at whether you both truly love each other, or whether you're settled into a comfortable habit.

MojoMaker

2ndly she says her mom has done a lot for her in accepting our relationship or at least not openly opposing it too much despite her mom's personal beliefs

Please clarify, may have more relevance than is immediately apparent.