father and son relationship

LegacyUser

Hey all

For the sake of anominity, I as a regular boards user am posting incognito.

Background to my situation:

Parents split up when I was 5 (I am now 28) so I grew up used to the situation. However father remarried years ago in England and now has 3 other children twins - 7 yrs younger then me and a baby - 25 yrs younger then me).

The problem is I have never been really close to my dad. Every weekend when I was younger he took my brother and I for the entire weekend, which then turned into a single Saturday which then turned into a few hours whenever he felt like seeing my bro and me. Keep in mind that neither my bro or I asked to stop seeing him over the weekends, plus aswell I always felt pushed to get on with his "new" family.

Anyway, last weekend, I got a call from my Gran (dad's mother) and she told me that he had a stroke, etc. That he was going for tests, etc, etc. However amongst her sobbing she was getting in nasty digs at my bro and I for not keeping in regular contact with my dad or them. There is a lot more background information that I dont want to go into, as I am not particularly comfortable in telling all and sundry about it.

My situation is this - should I go visit my dad when I get the chance, and should I also "correct" gran in what she said to me and let her in on a few truths she maybe forgetting - one being my dad going to england and getting married and not telling me and my bro til the following week

thnx

Beruthiel

honestly, do what you feel is right for you – sounds to me like you owe him nothing, he’s your father, where has he been all these years? Your Gran had no right to throw any digs your way, I am sure she is well aware of the situation.
Now
You have to ask yourself one question
If the worst should happen and he passes away, how do you think you will feel? Are you the type to regret? if you are, then do what you need to do to not feel that way later.
I have very strong opinions on men who neglect their kids, you have absolutely no reason whatsoever to feel any guilt here, remember that.

aidan_walsh

I agree with Beruthiel that your gran had no right to speak to you the way she did, but I think you should go to your dad while you have the chance. You might be sure about how you feel now, but you don't have a clue about how it'll be if you lose him suddenly. Save yourself the possible regret and go, at least the once to see if it could work...

mike65

Forget your Grans words, she properly was'nt exactly on form when she rang and go as for seeing your dad, I lost mine at 24 so I know what I'd do....

Mike.

seamus

Ignore your Gran. She either may be in the dark, or she may just look at her son through rose tinted glasses. Either way, there's no need to open that can of worms.

If she says it again though, just politely let her know that it wasn't you and your brother who stopped seeing your father.

Do what you want to do. If you want to see him do, if you don't then don't.

The only thing I will say is that even though you feel it is his fault you've lost touch, doesn't mean you must leave the responsibility of getting to know eachother again up to him. That is if you want to. This could be a good opportunity.

LegacyUser

well I rang my dad today, and I have to say I have never been more scared in my life to talk to someone on the phone - and this is purely stemming from the fact that I didnt know how he would be on the phone. I had previously been told he had broken down crying whenever anyone rang him, and i dont know how I could handle that. Apprantly he has been told to rest and convalese (sp?) at home.

I am still royally pissed with my gran, but i know i will never get a chance to give back as much as she gave me.

dont get me wrong as a kid i loved them all to death, but in recent years it has becomed somewhat strained, where I am expected to contact them, and yet when my dad left us, they never contacted my mam or us, only when my dad took us for those weekends - so in my own twisted way, I view them with the same apathy as I do with my dad.

would i be upset if my dad died (touch wood), i would say yes, as I am a very emotional person, but with tendencies to bottle it up for years (whole different story). i said to my mam after the phone call from my gran, if my dad is such a good dad (gran's words) then we shall see how good he is, if he provides for my bro and I in his will. Quite a morbid thing to say, but when you realise that since he had another family , my bro and I (his first born children), we were denied a lot of what his other family got - foriegn holidays, etc. I know its a fairly childish thing to point out, but when you have grown up in that situation you do tend to get bitter about the small things in life.

I suppose the whole reason for my original post was to do some venting, but to also write down what I would feel and currently felt about my dad, and his current situation - suppose the more I write, the more I will know.

With that said, I will thank Bruthiel and the rest of you for your input - who knows might write a book or at worst a blog out of this

again thnx

Typedef

Yes on both accounts!

Asok

Go see your dad as after all he still is just that your dad. If you didnt go you strike me as the type who would regret it (I would).

As for your gran,smack her across the head with a shovel.......or set her straight about the "facts" either would work.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Unsure
would i be upset if my dad died (touch wood), i would say yes, as I am a very emotional person, but with tendencies to bottle it up for years (whole different story)

in that case, it's a very good thing that you called him, and if you have the means to go over and see him, I would advise it, for your own peace of mind


i said to my mam after the phone call from my gran, if my dad is such a good dad (gran's words) then we shall see how good he is, if he provides for my bro and I in his will. Quite a morbid thing to say, but when you realise that since he had another family , my bro and I (his first born children), we were denied a lot of what his other family got - foriegn holidays, etc. I know its a fairly childish thing to point out, but when you have grown up in that situation you do tend to get bitter about the small things in life

you have every right to feel bitter because of this. I bet he doesn’t even realise that you feel so neglected, unwanted and unloved. He probably thinks you are fine and your mother took good care of you, which she has, but that does not make up for the fact that he was not there for you, I’m betting he doesn’t even get how deep that goes.
I am also guessing, that perhaps he may have missed you when he left first, that it was probably even easier for him to not see you, not to be reminded of what he was giving up, it was probably easier for him to sleep at night, because the more he does not see you the less real you became to him. I think that’s just human nature in people, if you understand what I mean. It doesn’t excuse him but it may explain him.
Don’t let the bitterness you feel get to you, let it go if you can, for your own sake. Nothing here was your fault and you have to keep reminding yourself of that fact. Your Da is human like the rest of us, with all his faults, I’m betting he is taking a good look at his life right now, a health shock like this normally does that to a person. From your posting and the fact that you called him - I can tell that you are a better man then him, you should be proud of that fact.
Take care
a

Xterminator

Hi,

I just wanted to add a thought.

Your dad does not know how you feel. he can only guess. and if in your time with him you have avoided the subject, (yes men avoid talking about their feelings except with strangers sometimes!!!) then he may not even be aware of the resentent you feel towards him.

I am sure he regrets not being a better father, but unlike some of the posters here i do not think any of us can criticise him, without 'walking a mile in his shoes'. We simply dont know enough. It is possible even you do not know of the different pressures he was under that led him to spend less time with you. That is not an excuse, but a simple fact.

The fact you still have an attachment to him, means that for your sake, i would fell that you might try to make the most of what time is left. Perhaps a good honset talk letting him know you felt a little 'pushed out' would be good for your relationship, or at least your piece of mind.

My 2 cents

X

littlemiss

It is upto you if you want to see him or not, don't let anyone guilt you into feeling bad about it. Your Gran had no right to say anything. I understand some of what you are going through, my parents have been seperated for over ten years and my dad never really made an effort. He has done some rotten things in the past and I feel happier not having contact with him. It is difficult when people say oh he's your dad you should talk to him. Only you know how he has treated you and how you feel. If you want to see him then do if you feel that will help otherwise no one has the right to criticise the decisions you make regarding him. Hope you get it all sorted

Tommy Vercetti

My advice would be to go see him. If that is the wrong decision then fine - deal with that whatever way you see fit. On the other hand if you don't go and see him, it could be something that you will always regret after he eventually does pass away.

Ignore the gran, she's old and she's a woman => mad

mike65

Oh and please, dont write a book!

Mike.

Reader

In a relationship between you and your dad, there are two sides and two perspectives, yours and his. We know how you felt, and we know why you think your dad's time with you got more and more limited. But we don't know how he felt, and we don't know his reasons for why his time with you got limited; we don't know these things, and more importantly, neither do you, and until you do, all you have to go on is your own conjecture. The first thing you need to do with your dad is to explain to him how you perceived it and then seek to understand what happened from his perspective.

Into this mix comes your grandmother, who sees things from your dad's perspective; and your grandmother's attitude might be a proxy for your dad's perspective. Whatever your grandmother said, she said from what she thought were the right reasons, but you will get nowhere by disputing it with her. Rather, if you sort things out with your dad, she will be onside too.

And, of course, into this mix also come your mum (and your dad's relationship with her), and your dad's new family. It is a complex situation, in which there is more than one perspective, and a lot of far from perfect people doing the best they can in difficult circumstances. The more people talk in such situations, the easier it is to work out the best thing to do; the less people talk (and, if not talking, assume and/or brood), the harder it is to work out the best thing to do. And the worst thing to do is to start seeking to ascribe blame for the past. Rather, try to understand it, and use that understanding to build a better future.

The Muppet

Go see your Dad, I understand your confusion but what harm can making the visit do. Your worst case scenario is not going and living to regret it in the . God forbid but when you dad passes you could be left with serious issues that you can not resolve.

I had a great relationship with mine but even so still have regrets that enter my mind from time to time. These a petty things and nothing like you could have but once someone has passed there's nothing you can do to put things right.

Don't go for your gran or even your Dad, Go for yourself and advise your brother to do likewise if only for your peace of mind in the future.

Best of Luck

The Muppet

Go see your Dad, I understand your confusion but what harm can making the visit do. Your worst case scenario is not going and living to regret it in the . God forbid but when you dad passes you could be left with serious issues that you can not resolve.

I had a great relationship with mine but even so still have regrets that enter my mind from time to time. These a petty things and nothing like you could have but once someone has passed there's nothing you can do to put things right.

Don't go for your gran or even your Dad, Go for yourself and advise your brother to do likewise if only for your peace of mind in the future.

Good Luck

The Real B-man

the should shouldn't issue i think you should go see him i have being growing up living with one parent i say go see him you no in your heart & soul wheter or not to go and regardless what people say go with you with whatever your heart & soul says


and for the granny is you dont mind me saying shes a bitch for throwing digs at you

The Corinthian

Two points.

It was ultimately your father’s responsibility to keep contact as you were growing up - if he failed in his duty then, your duty to reciprocate and keep contact as an adult is exonerated.

Your grandmother, however, is using a classic matriarchal strategy of using emotional blackmail to get her message across. It is quite likely that she doing this to morally / or psychologically set herself up to take sides in favour of the second family. For this you should respond to her in kind and suggest that your father’s failure to keep contact with you and your brother is in part due to her failure to encourage this in him.

Of course, this is probably not true, but neither is what she said to you, and more importantly puts her on the defensive. While there is always the danger that this will result in a blazing row with her, if handled correctly this will pull the moral rug from under her and she’ll be unable to make that or similar accusations in future.

Second and more importantly seek legal advice immediately. Your mother, your brother and yourself have inheritance rights in the event of his death. And if, as I suspect, there is some coldness between his original and ‘new’ family, then you can kiss your inheritance adios if you take no action now.